Reading vs. Watching TV

• Reading would allow you to contribute intelligently to conversations at a dinner or cocktail party. But, if you don’t watch enough TV, you won’t have as many pop culture references to make during conversations at a dinner or cocktail party.

• Reading would be intellectually stimulating. But you’d miss whatever show is on TV while you’re reading. What if somebody you like gets voted off American Idol? Or, what if that episode of Fresh Prince with the extra long introduction rap is on? Or, what if Look Who’s Talking Too is on?! That movie is so cute!

• Reading would allow for some quiet “me time.” But, turning the TV off and allowing silence to fill the house might remind you of just how alone you are.

• Reading would increase your vocabulary. But, you would be even more disappointed when TV stars don’t respond to your letters after you put in all those fancy new vocabulary words you worked so hard to understand.

• Reading is better for your eyes than staring at the TV all the time. But, watching TV is better for your skin. When watching TV you have literally no chance of getting a paper cut. Whereas reading requires you to touch books, which can be made of hundreds of sheets of paper, all with at least three sharp edges exposed and waiting for your supple fingers.

• Reading a lot could impress people. But, your friends will probably be threatened by your attempt to better yourself and they’ll most likely lash out. Then you won’t have friends or TV. Sounds like a real great life you’ve got set up there.

Anger Management

Today I'd like to discuss ways to deal with road rage and minimize the violent confrontations that invariably result.

Listen, I know driving can be terrible. From the morons who cut you off and stop for pedestrians, to the slow grandmas who what? Don’t notice tailgating, high beams, and excessive honking?! Go, lady!

I’m not here to eliminate your rage, you’re right to be angry at those horrible people. I’m just here to teach you some techniques to express your anger in ways that won’t get you sued or charged with assault and battery.

And I’m not talking about everyday anger management techniques like breathing exercises, counting to ten, or seeing how quickly you can get those around you to cry and shake with fear. That sort of thing never works.

Instead, consider taking your anger out on your passengers. It masks road rage, while getting things off your chest. Your daughter’s on the phone too much, your son’s bad at sports, your wife is like, obsessed, with your road rage issues. Whatever it is, a derisive shouting session can easily release the frustration you feel after 3 red lights in a row.

But what if you’re alone in the car? Let’s say there’s traffic, you’re late for work, and somebody cuts you off. I’d suggest not brandishing weapons out the window while ramming the back of the offending car repeatedly, but rather exerting you energies on inanimate objects of your procession.

Slamming you hands into the thin roof of your car, makes you feel powerful. Punching the passenger seat is satisfying and easy on the hands. And while mashing the radio can be costly, destroying something expensive and electronic really gives you a sense of accomplishment.

Visualizing is another wonderful tool. If someone is driving too slowly, simply visualize yourself punching them, putting them in a headlock while smashing their face into the trunk, or holding a gun to their head as they cry and beg for their lives. Before you know it, your fury will melt away into joy.

So, with these techniques under your belt, I’d imagine the next time somebody honks at you, you’ll be able to handle it— without forcing them to pull over and then making them bleed from the face area.

The Horror

I do not like scary movies. Nor do I understand their appeal. And while I have never seen a scary movie by my own volition, I have been made to watch quite a few. It was almost always due to social pressures; there was a sleepover party and the movie was already rented and everybody else wanted to watch it, the big kids invited me to the movies and I was too excited/nervous to voice an opinion, or I was simply over at a friend’s house and despite my protests the movie was put in and play was pressed. All unavoidable situations; all caused years of anxiety. It’s time I spoke out against this genre.

I don’t see how horror movies could, in anyway, be fun or pleasurable. First of all, they are often violent and gory, which doesn’t top my list of enjoyable things to look at. Additionally, the main point of a horror movie is to make me uncomfortable, jumpy, and frightened. How is that entertainment? Oh, wow, what a great movie! I can tell because I’m shaking and about to cry. This is a wonderful experience! I’d gladly pay $10 again if a movie could make me this upset. I definitely wouldn’t rather pay $10 to watch a movie that makes me laugh and smile.

On another note, if anyone out there is looking for warning signs of potential criminals, writers and directors of scary movies could not be sending stronger signals. Instead of holding these people in esteem as artists, we should perhaps be getting them help. They think of nothing but worst case scenarios. Husband cheating on you? No he’s planning on murdering you! Going on a class trip? Well, all your peers are going to die! Simply having a family, going to work, saving for vacation, trying to have a normal life? Nope, neighbors are serial killers and they’re coming over to kill you with golf clubs! These aren’t logical chains of events. The people who come up with these stories don’t have normal brain patterns.

For example, the writer of the Saw movies is a complete crazy person. The cruelties portrayed in his movies are so grotesque, unique, and brutal they seem unimaginable. Yet the writer imagined them. And he didn’t just imagine them in a in a general sense, he invented every single detail to make those torture devices and the human response as realistic as possible. I would argue that not everyone is capable of those kinds of thoughts. And I’m nervous about giving someone who does have those kinds of thoughts a public voice. Yeah, great idea, let’s grant the guy who thinks up monstrous ways to physically and emotionally torment people a forum to reach everyone ages 17 and up. Oh, and if their parents say it’s okay or they look old, kids under 17 should be able to experience this guy’s ideas too. Makes perfect sense to me!

Believe it or not, I’m also pretty strongly against scary movie commercials. Why do they have to be so graphic? I’m just trying to watch TV, I don’t want to hear some child whispering “are you okay?” all slow and creepy, and then, with a flash of light, have a hand claw out at me. That’s not fair. If I choose to buy a ticket, then sure, go ahead and let that little kid whisper at me, but not until then.

And why are horror movies advertised during comedy television shows? Just because it’s late at night?! Staying up late does not mean I invite images of criminally insane cannibals into my living room. I just want to watch The Colbert Report! I’m not in your target audience! Advertise for pillows, that’s what I’m more susceptible to purchasing after 11:30, not tickets to a murder show.

Don’t worry, I have ways of standing up for myself. I’ve got news for everyone who put effort into creating the scary movies I’ve seen: your efforts were wasted on me. I didn’t see your award winning performances, your expensive special effects, or your artistically framed scenes because my eyes were closed the whole time. (Well, not the whole time, I do tend to watch the nice parts that show how happy everyone is before the murders get going.) But get this: I also didn’t hear your meticulously crafted creepy dialogue, or your painstakingly composed bone-chilling music because I was plugging my ears and humming a pleasant little tune throughout all the frightening parts. So, horror movie industry …take that.

Pride

Things my parents think I should be proud of, but I’m not ________________________________________ Boggle abilities	Things I am proud of, but shouldn’t necessarily be _________________________________________ Simpsons recall abilities
Knowing not only what an iPod is, but how to use it	Knowing which of the TV-repeating websites has the fewest commercials interrupting the show
Having a clean room	Having room set up so I can see both the TV and the computer from my bed, all without getting any glare from the sun on either screen
Graduating from College	Can spin Frisbee on one finger for minutes at a time
Having a job helping children	Having a really good plan to quit my job after not only using up my annual sick leave, but also waiting until all the paid holiday breaks are over. Thus creating an ideal Money Earned to Hours Worked ratio
6th place in 800 meter relay, MD state regional track meet, 2001	NYC subway turnstile sometimes says, “too fast, swipe again”

Ways to Maximize Enjoyment of Your Lunch Break

While my favorite part of the workday is when I walk out the door at 5pm, my lunch break is a very close second. Lunch is a sacred time when you can relax, clear your mind, and pretend you’re not even at work. And while it may seem like whatever you do during your lunch break would be incredibly enjoyable in contrast to what you do before and after lunch, you cannot just rely on juxtaposition. Challenge yourself, put some effort in, and before you know it you’ll be having the best lunch breaks of your life.

There are several quick fixes to making your lunchtime all that it can be. Listen to your iPod, nap in your car, eat exclusively at a Baskin Robbins. But most importantly, get yourself out of the building. How can you clear your head and pretend you’re not at work, if you are still at work?

Leaving the building can be tricky. The halls of your workplace are lined with people desperate for socialization. They’re lonely, bored, and waiting to pounce. Keep your head down, avoid eye contact, and walk quickly. If you don’t, you risk getting sucked into conversation and spending up to 10 minutes of your break learning about the HR lady’s family reunion next weekend.

And what happens if a boring or hated coworker gets you in conversation and then nonchalantly asks, “Where are you going for lunch?” If you answer honestly, he is going to invite himself along. If you say you don’t know, he’s going to ask you to join him at some awful place of his choosing. It’s a delicate situation. I’ve found the best response is, “I’m going to the bank, to run errands.” Just saying “running errands” still welcomes company. But the bank is private and everybody knows that.

That’s not to say you have to eat lunch alone. Arrange for someone you like outside of work to meet up with you. Be warned, this approach has pitfalls. You probably have to ask unemployed friends to meet you because no one else is free in the middle of the day. Then at lunch, when you talk about your day and your unemployed friend talks about his day, you may go mad with jealousy. Worse yet, when you say you’re jealous your friend might not even be sympathetic. He’ll probably reply, “I don’t know, I’d love to have a job right now.” And then you’ll fly into a murderous rage— just in time to have to go back to work. So you have to stifle your emotions, return to work, and let your friend leave thinking he didn’t do anything wrong.

The best way to maximize enjoyment of your lunch break is to maximize your lunch break. Start by coming back 5 minutes late. If nobody notices, increase it to 10 minutes, then 15, and then level off. (20 minutes could be a fire-able offense, depending on company policy.)

Be sure to have your excuses lined up in case/when somebody notices your extra lunch minutes. Some excuses are better than others. Saying, “I lost track of time, sorry ” might keep you free from reprimand, but it doesn’t really leave you open to coming back late again. Saying something like, “I just had to use the bathroom real quick when I got back,” is an okay excuse, but not perfect. If you actually have to use the bathroom, you can’t then go right away without inviting suspicion. (Side note: Don’t go to the bathroom during lunch. That detracts from your break time and takes away an opportunity to miss some work. All bathroom breaks —real or fake— should be taken during working hours.)

A better excuse for returning tardy from lunch would be, “I left for lunch a bit late, so I figured it was reasonable to come back late too.” There’s no way anybody is going to remember what time you left for lunch. But the best excuse involves not admitting you were late at all. “I was helping Brian downstairs. He ran into me on my way back in and asked me to help him.” Whether or not someone named Brian works with you, that’s a pretty airtight alibi.

My last bit of advice is incredibly crucial. Never take a working-lunch. Claim you have a doctors appointment, say you’re meeting a client, run out of the room crying, anything! Just find a way to free yourself. Lunch is your time. Don’t let anything change that.

How To Build a Deck

Step 1: Put up flyers offering deck building services at low low rates.

Step 2: Negotiate with potential clients; remember to require full fridge privileges, full TV privileges, full toy bin privileges.

Step 3: Buy wood planks, hammer, nails, book about how to build a deck.

Step 4: Try nailing wood planks together in deck-like shape.

Step 5: Go to hospital.

Step 6: Purchase some sort of prebuilt child’s playhouse.

Step 7: Have delivery men carry the playhouse around back and scoot it up right next to real house.

Step 8: Build many layered masking tape connection between real house and playhouse.

Step 9: Revel in your accomplishment.

Step 10: Run away.

Well, At Least Get Some Candy for Yourself

I have very little patience for long lines. When in line at the drug store, getting frustrated with slow cashiers and contemplating stealing just to get the hell out of there, the only thing that can calm me down is the spread of candy displayed below the registers. Laid out before me is nearly every candy ever made; all wrapped, bright, shiny and new, just waiting for me to make my choice. As an intelligent person, I tend to focus on the chocolate and ignore the fruit chews, the gum, and the breath mints.

While I’m tempted by nearly all the chocolate bars, I try to limit myself to buying only one; I like the challenge and the added health benefits. Hershey’s with Almonds is definitely one of my favorites… but then again, plain Hershey’s is slightly bigger. Do I go for ingredient variety or quantity? Or something else entirely?

Kit Kats are delicious, but their structure is a huge flaw. Due to the candy bar’s built in perforation, people seem to have no qualms asking the owner to give up at least ¼ of their total candy. The horrible idea of sharing is even in Kit Kat’s jingle. Though catchy and fun, “Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar” is responsible for a fairly large sales drop among candy loves. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Twix have the same problem. Get either of those and I may end up losing half my candy to a “friend.”

Snickers is one of my top picks. Talk about variety of ingredients! It’s got what, like 7 things in packed there? And thanks to their ad campaign, “Hungry? Grab a Snickers,” I can easily justify eating Snickers for breakfast.

M&Ms are a fine choice, but I tend to go through them a bit fast. It’s because of their packaging. With the tear-open-and-pour shape of the bag, eating M&Ms by the handful is inviting. But even more inviting is holding the bag straight up to your mouth and throwing your head back. Then, after just a couple swigs, you’re out of candy.

Charleston Chew is one candy bar that does not tempt me. I chose it once in childhood because it was the biggest. But instead of a never ending chocolate bar, I found myself with something that had only an incredibly thin outer layer of chocolate, and then a thick, tough inner center of some sort of sickly sweet hurt-your-teeth-sticky white filling. It was thrown out long before I reached the end.

Though I did disparage fruity chewy candy earlier, I’d like to take a moment to discuss jellybeans. While the hot button topic in the field is certainly how gross licorice jellybeans are, I want to focus on the positive. Jelly Belly brand jelly beans are the most remarkable candy. The amount of genius it takes to make a jellybean taste exactly like pear, strawberry cheesecake, or toasted marshmallows is unprecedented and truly impressive.

For example, plenty of hard candy companies claim to have a grape jelly flavor, but time after time their promise falls short and their product just taste like plain old grape hard candy. But the Grape Jelly Jelly Belly is true to its name! As I chew the bean, I can literally feel the cold lumps of jelly, the flavor is so authentic— it doesn’t taste like grape hard candy, it tastes like I’m licking the knife after making a jelly and jelly sandwich.

The inventors and scientists at Jelly Belly are certainly to be revered. However, one must question their career choice. With their cognitive prowess and ability, they should be doing something like curing cancer, fighting global warming, or at the very least, making medicine not taste bad. (Not to discredit the inventors over at Advil who came up with the sugar coated tablets.) So, while I would like to give Jelly Belly my unwavering support and commendation, my social conscious is too strong to let them avoid at least some reproach.

Ah, Candy. By far my favorite meal, snack, and reward. Let’s be honest, though it comes in many shapes, flavors, consistencies, and packages, all candy has its merits. (*Except Charleston Chew) So no matter what anyone chooses*, it’s going to be great.

Olympic Figure Skating Scorecard

Ever wonder where in the world those wacky figure skating judges get their scores? Well, take a look at this authentic Olympic Figure Skating Scorecard and see for yourself!

COSTUME	3 points- Costume is reflective and sequined. Costume has skin-toned fabric covering up actual skin. +2 bonus points if skater has skin-toned ice skates that make him/her look like some sort of horse-footed blade walker. 2 points- Sequins are merely in geometric pattern and are not arranged as flower, snake, bowtie, or regular tie. 1 point- Actual skin showing in place of skin-toned fabric.
ATHLETICISM	3 points- Number of mid-air spins exceeds three. On ice twirls are so fast skater’s body gets the “rubber pencil” effect. Any number of flips. No falls. +2 bonus points if skater arranges for basketball hoops to be down, then has coach throw him/her a ball mid routine, and then either dunks, or makes a shot with eyes closed. 2 points- Number of mid-air spins exceeds two. Any number of high kicks. At least 10 consecutive push-ups part of routine. Fell. 1 point- Fell and then got up and just kept going as if we didn’t even notice and it wasn’t a huge deal.
GRACE	3 points- Footwork spells out Judges’ names on the ice. Music selection is in more than one judges’ iTunes library. Skater holds ice skate blade for over 2 seconds without drawing any blood. +2 bonus points if, while skating past area where opponent is sitting, skater holds nose, points to butt, or pretends to vomit. 2 points- Footwork spells out judges’ names on the ice, but later in the routine skater skates over the same patch of ice, literally crossing out judges’ names. Music selection boring or lame. Ugly face. 1 point- At end of routine, skater throws arms up in the air and smiles as if he/she has done a really good job. Why don’t we just wait and see what the judges have to say before we start celebrating.

Your Guide to Choosing a Career

Whether you’re a recent grad trying to enter the workforce in some way, or you’re an old person fed up with your current job, this comprehensive step by step guide is sure to help you choose a career you wont hate for at least a little while.

The first thing you want to do is throw out any other career guide you’ve purchased or borrowed from the library. Especially throw out top selling, “What Color is Your Parachute?” I don’t agree with their stance: “Quick! Buy this book, figure it out and choose a color, or you’re gonna end up smashed to bits on the pavement you’ve been steadily plummeting toward your entire life! A job is the only thing that can save you! Pick a color, pick a color!!”

The next step is some inward reflection. Think about yourself. What do you like doing? What do you hate? Who do you hate? How can you injure or mentally harm that person? (try not to get sidetracked, no matter how natural the thought progression may be)

Once you’ve answered those tough questions you’re ready to browse careers. I’ve complied my research and below are profiles of some of the occupations most often featured on television.

First up, teaching. Depending on the age you work with, you could be spending a lot of time with super fun toys. And best of all, teachers get three months off for summer vacation. While you might be tempted to become a teacher and stop reading right here, I implore you to continue. There is a dark side to teaching. I mean, do you know what time school starts? And that’s not all. Kids are covered in germs, there’s no spell check when you’re writing on the board, kids can be so cruel, and the toys probably wont even be fun because you have to use them safely.

So, if teaching isn’t for you, maybe you want to be a doctor? You’ll be well off, you’ll get to wear scrubs and Crocs to work, you’ll have access to prescription medications, and best of all you’ll be helping people. That can really raise your self-esteem. But there are sacrifices. You’ll probably have to do some gross blood and guts related things. And you’ll probably get sick a lot thanks to all the damn sick people that keep coming to you for help. It may not be worth it.

Consider becoming a professional athlete. Not only will your paycheck be in the millions, but there’s also bound to be extra income from endorsements, movie deals, and autographs you sell on Ebay. You’ll get all kinds of new clothes: home and away uniforms, warm-up pants, hats, jackets, the list is endless! But being a professional athlete isn’t all money and clothes. You’re going to have to get in shape. And I don’t think taking the stairs instead of the elevator will do the trick. You’re going to have to lift weights, go running all the time, and stop having “beer and cake Fridays.”

Perhaps you’d rather be a lawyer? If you find you have a real talent for law, you could probably keep yourself and loved ones out of jail regardless of the crime. If you find you don’t have that much talent, at least you’ll be in a better position to know a good lawyer than the average criminal. Downsides to this job would be the obvious; getting too involved in your trial and causing the murderer to add you to his hit list.

The last career I’d like to discuss is that of a psychologist. You will definitely be the most interesting person at any party you go to. If another party guest tries to tell an interesting story, I’m sure you’ll be able to top them with something your kooky or ill patients have done. But let’s not lose sight of the psychology profession as a whole. You might have to be fairly mentally balanced yourself to have any credibility at the job. Also, psychologist isn’t a great choice if you don’t like talking to people, looking people in the eye, or listening to others for even the shortest amount of time.

Hopefully by now my advice and insights have led you directly to your dream job. Wherever your interests take you, I wish you luck, prosperity, and enjoyment. And if you find all of that at your workplace, please let me know when they’re hiring. And put in a good word for me. Unless people don’t really like you, and you’re kinda that weird guy nobody sits next to at lunch. In that case, just tell me when they’re hiring.

Dear Professor

Dear Professor,

Hi, I’m Clara Morris from your Pysch415 class. I’m the one who sits way in the back, kinda behind some people. You might not be able to put a face with my name because I’m very short and contemplative, so I’m hard to see and quiet. But I’m always there, right on time. You probably don’t see me come in, since I’m right on time I enter the classroom along with a bunch of other people. And you probably don’t see me after class either. I have another really interesting class right after yours, so I always rush out the door.

Anyway, I’m writing because I had a few questions about the paper due this Monday. Approximately how long do you think it would take the average person to complete this kind of paper? I’ve already put a ton of time in, and I have a tendency to spend too much time on my schoolwork. I really don’t want to stress myself out needlessly, you know? And I want to be sure to get enough sleep so I’ll be alert when I present the paper in class tomorrow.

Oh, and another question, are we going to have time for everyone to present tomorrow? If we don’t present tomorrow, do we still turn in our papers? It seems like it’d be logical to hang on to the paper until we present, just so we can practice with the original copy. (I would hate to waste trees and print out another one!)

Now, the instruction sheet says you want us to provide a bibliography, and I was just wondering what specific sources you’d like to see in that bibliography. I’ve spent so much time at the library, researching and studying for this paper, I find myself with way too many sources! I don’t want to bore you with a super long bibliography, so if you could help me narrow it down, that’d be great.

If you could also point me to specific page numbers within those sources it would be helpful. Basically, all the reading is so valuable I feel like I should reference every page. But then I’d exceed your allotted word limit for the paper, so I’m really conflicted. Ugh, it’s so typical of me to include too in-depth coverage of each source! I’m just trying to break that habit and do a good job.

I’m sorry, I know this is a lot of questions, and I probably should have contacted you sooner. I’ve just been spending so much time and effort on the academic side (reading and reading, writing and writing) that I sort of let all the nitty gritty formalities go by the wayside. If you can’t answer me right away, I completely understand. I’d even be willing to put in a few days extra work and turn the paper in sometime after Monday. (With no late penalties, of course, since we’re discussing the special circumstances now) That would really be no problem at all.

Thanks and see you tomorrow :)

Clara

P.S. See you tomorrow unless we decide I should stay home to do the extra work on the paper. Which is totally fine with me. So, I guess if I don’t hear back from you in time, I wont come in or turn my paper in tomorrow morning, and I’ll assume we’re going with the above stated plan. Thanks!

Snowstorm Survival

With a record-breaking snowfall hitting the DC area, many residents find themselves stuck in dire situations not knowing what to do. Below I offer solutions to some of the major problems caused by this life-threatening storm.

The garbage service has been suspended throughout the metro region. Your kitchen trashcan is piling up, the garbage can outside is full and the lid has so much snow on it you couldn’t imagine lifting it or clearing it off. You don’t want to put plain trash bags outside because the animals will get into them and spread trash all over the lawn. And then you’ll have to clean it up and it’ll be disgusting and stinky and frozen.

Hey, calm down. Americans didn’t always have the advanced garbage collection system we have today. Take a lesson from history and fling your garbage from the windows. It’s fun and easy! Plus, you can get the kids involved and teach them responsibility. Make a game of it, seeing who can throw garbage furthest off your property, or aiming for a specific target like the mailbox, other garbage items, or your neighbors’ cleared walkway.

Many families are unable to go the grocery store and are running low on food supplies. Some think the only answer is spending hours digging out the car, only to brave unsafe driving conditions and patience-testing grocery store line conditions. But there are other options. Send a friend/neighbor who’s going to the store for themselves with your list and a little bit less money than they’ll need to cover you. (Before they leave be sure to tell them you expect plenty of change.) Friends and neighbors refusing to do you any more favors? Get creative and make a meal of those never-used back-of-the-cabinet foods. Condensed milk cans, lemonade mix, cranberry sauce, rejected milk duds from Halloweens past, and I’m sure you’ll find some hidden treasures unique to your home to help you make an inventive and edible dinner.

A grim situation affecting millions is that of boredom. Some people have been stuck in one location with only their families for over two days. My advice is trying to find entertainment within the walls of your home and your surrounding yard. TV, Internet, sleep, video games, Taboo, and talking pleasantly to those who share your household can all be great. Sign up for Netflix and watch a movie instantly. Go outside and build a snow fort/man/dragon/blockade for your neighbors’ car. Pick fights with those who share your household. Really explore your options and you’re sure to be amused for days.

Heavy precipitation and extremely high winds have wiped out power lines from Northern Virginia to Baltimore. Those without electricity risk freezing, stubbing their toes, having to eat unmicrowaved meals, and the torture of life without TV and Internet. If this happens to you, the first thing you should do is call the power company, weather service, fire department, police, newspapers, and local hospitals to tell them of your woes. While it may seem enticing, you don’t want to go to a hotel. That would cost money, and you’d have to dig out your car. I’d suggest going to bed and staying there until this whole thing blows over. If it lasts for days and you find yourself getting bedsores, call a friend who has power and a dug out car. See if they’ll pick you up and let you stay at their house for a while. As an added bonus, you definitely wont have to worry about going to the grocery store because you can eat all your friends’ food. Go for the most expensive stuff first.

If you’re lucky enough not to have lost power yet, take some precautionary measures. Fill your dryer with blankets and socks and keep it constantly running. That way, no matter when you lose power, you’ll be able to be all warm and cozy like you should during a snowstorm. Also, consider keeping a pot of hot chocolate continuously boiling.

While you should be able to get through the 2010 blizzard basically alive and happy, I must caution you not to jump back into business as usual as soon as the snow melts. Transitioning to work/school after more than a week of freedom can be incredibly traumatic. Not to mention the hazardous conditions of No More Snow. Forgetting the ice is gone and attempting to run and slide on pavement is responsible for numerous skin injuries every spring above the Mason Dixon line. Don’t let it happen to you. Be careful and adapt back to regular life at your own pace.

Conversations Between Me and My Dog

Me: Hey lil guy, did you burry your bone?

Dog: I would never tell you that. Please respect my privacy.

Me: Go, kill that stuffed animal!

Dog: Excuse me, did you just say stuffed animal? Am I wasting my time here?

Me: Good dog! Look at you, going to the bathroom outside! Good dog!

Dog: Don’t talk to me right now.

Me: Mmm, yum, dry dog food! Eat it all up.

Dog: Yeah! Fooooooood!! (Leans face in bowl and sniffs) Ew! What gives, lady?

Me: No! No barking.

Dog: I heard a noise, you idiot! We’re in extreme danger! I’m trying to protect you, for crying out loud. Someone …or something… is out there, and I don’t think it’s too friendly.

Me: Aw, you just love tug-of-war, don’t you? Don’t you?

Dog: I’m gonna bite you right in the hand.

Me: Down. Don’t beg at the table. This is my dinner.

Dog: Are you fucking kidding me?

Ways to Make Commuting Less Horrible

There are few things in life worse than the morning commute. You’re sleepy and grouchy, you’re freezing because the car’s heater hasn’t kicked in yet, your hands are especially cold because you had to scrape ice off your windshield, you’re stuck in standstill traffic and there’s no relief in sight. And I know what you’re thinking, “Please don’t try to make my commute better. It’s impossible. I just want to zone out, stay half asleep, and wallow in my suffering.”

But trust me, after you read this post, there’ll be no need to consider getting in an accident just to free yourself from the monotony that is the morning commute. (Side note: there is no need to discuss ways to make the afternoon commute better because simply reminding yourself you’re not at work and you are, in fact, driving in the opposite direction of your workplace, makes the trip leisurely and refreshing regardless of traffic.)

While quitting your job is clearly the best option to make your commute more enjoyable, I’ve come up with some less financially devastating methods. And I’m not talking about everyday activities like eating in the car, listening to the radio, or seeing how loud you can scream. That stuff gets old fast.

Try out becoming an aggressive driver. Cut people off, constantly change lanes, make risky left turns, tailgate, honk, and let that middle finger fly. The challenge will be entertaining and keep you on your toes, and the adrenaline rush from the close calls is bound to boost your spirits. And all that cutting in front of people and not waiting your turn will probably lessen your commuting time.

Do exercise some caution, however, as you may end up stuck at a red light or in traffic next to cars you haven’t treated well. But then again, that risk is another adrenaline rush! Oh, and I guess you should exercise caution because it’s dangerous/illegal.

If you’re nervous about aggressive driving, perhaps because you have a new car you don’t want to scratch, or you’re shy, or you’re just not the type to use the middle finger, consider this strategy: leave 20 minutes late, thus forcing yourself to drive aggressively in order to arrive on time for work. And you’ll get 20 minutes more sleep! (Feel free to adjust leaving time in accordance with your confidence level.)

But let’s say you’re really stuck in unmoving traffic. I will admit, aggressive driving loses some of its thrill when you can’t get above 5mph. Don’t worry, I have a few ideas.

Stare at other drivers and time how long it takes for them to notice. Then see what they do when you don’t stop staring.

Try and make judgments about people based on the outside of their car. A blue Camary, fairly new, no bumper stickers, small scratch on fender… is the driver a man or woman? Old or young? Fat or skinny? Dumb or really dumb? Then when you get up close, peer in and see how accurate you were.

Try and read signs backwards. Reset your odometer. Make anagrams out of license plate letters. Close your eyes … just for a second … you’re not moving anyway… No! That one’s just a joke!

Another great way to make commuting less horrible is to switch up travel modes. Try public transportation for a few days. It’s nice to have a change, and you’re sure to appreciate the perks of not having to drive. No traffic, you can read a book, or maybe even lightly nap. Plus, public transportation is bound to make the switch back to driving seem like the biggest relief imaginable. No more waiting in the cold for the train or bus, you’re guaranteed a seat, you can’t smell anybody or breathe in their germs, and best of all nobody is going to accidentally touch you.

Now if all else fails, the best way to improve your commute is to call in sick. That way, not only do you skip the drive all together, you also don’t have to go to work. It’s a win-win. If you’re out of sick days, well, then you might just want to cause that car accident we discussed earlier…

Typical NYC Craigslist Writing and Editing Job Postings

Editor Needed

I am a writer and I have written an ~800 page novel, but for some reason I need someone to edit it for basic grammar and punctuation. Must have superior grammar knowledge. Must treat me as if I am a writer-genius. I will pay $0.05 a page.

Also, manuscript needs to be transferred from bits of paper and dining-room-table-etchings to computer.

Comedy Writer Opportunity

I am looking for a writing partner! I have plenty of my own hilarious friends who I hang out with all the time, don’t worry ;) but I decided I wanted a different perspective so I’m reaching out!

Please send me some samples or ideas, and we can get started right away.

If you have writing or performing experience, it is a big plus. If you have a cool apartment we could meet in and hang out in, it is a big plus. If you want to go to the movies or hang out at a bar every Friday night, like best friends might, it is a big big plus. Even better if you want to make and then exchange friendship bracelets. See ya soon!

No Pay.

Scripts Wanted

I’m a producer. I won’t tell you exactly what that means, or what I’ve worked on in the past, or why I’m posting on Craigslist for scripts instead of using my producer contacts.

Send me your scripts, the ones you consider your life’s accomplishment. Send them to me and I’ll do something. Maybe something good, maybe something bad, who knows? I’m certainly not going to tell you.

This could be your big break. But this could also be a big set up for some sort of humiliating reality show. “Desperate Writers” or something like that. But hey, relax, you’re being overly paranoid; most likely I’m just someone who’s going to steal the best ideas in your script. But then again, maybe it’s your big break! Send scripts.

No Pay.

Writer's Assistant Job Opening

You will work inside of my home. After-dark availability preferred.

No Pay.

Calling All Humor Writers!!!!!!!!!!!

Hiya funny guys and gals! We’re making a website that is going to be the next big thing in terms of comedy websites. We’re hoping to get a vibe like ComedyCentral.com.

Though we have never made a website before, we are sure this website will actually show up, will not have numerous formatting problems, and will not be abandoned within the month. Get your hopes up about this opportunity!

We are taking submissions on basically any topic, but we prefer the following hilarious topics: sex, race, disabilities, and anything Adam Sandler’s done.

Thanks!

No pay.

Attention Young Writers!

New Restaurant opening at 93^rd and 10^th hiring front of house and back of house. Must, repeat MUST, have AT LEAST 2 YEARS NYC RESTAURANT EXPERIENCE. Must be available to work evenings, weekends, holidays, birthdays, and any other time you were looking forward to enjoying.

$2.50/hour +tips

In the Kitchen with Clara

For years now I’ve been subsisting on a diet of restaurant food and things that are easy to cook. While I do enjoy restaurants, the real driving force behind my dietary choices is the fact that I cannot cook. And I find the idea of learning rather intimidating/impossible. I’m not exactly sure why, but perhaps a look into my past will prove revealing.

When I was 6 my sister accidently caused a small fire in the toaster. But I’m not sure that made me have any negative feeling about cooking. To be honest, I sort of enjoyed it. The fire wasn’t really scary, as much as something to tease my sister about for the rest of her life.

Hmm, perhaps a traumatizing incident happened later in life. At age 15 I sliced my finger while cutting a bagel. Permanent nerve damage left me with no feeling in the tip of my left ring finger. But that’s not actually as bad as it sounds. Sure it hurt at the time, but as a consequence my fidgeting has forever been advanced. While other people can only twiddle their thumbs when bored in class, I can run my finger over my paper and marvel at not being able to feel where the paper ends and the desk begins. I can close my eyes and make a game of it, blindly guessing where the paper’s edge is. Time flies and before I know it class is over. Oh, but don’t worry, I’m sure twiddling your thumbs has the same effect...

While these first two events are logical reasons to cause a fear of cooking, I don’t think that’s what is going on in my complicated, deep, and extremely intelligent psyche.

I believe the cause is more academic. In 7^th grade we spent a week studying the terrifying diseases that come from eating undercooked meat. Trichinosis, tape worm, salmonella, parasites, and of course, death. We went over not just what happened to one’s fragile insides, but what each disease physically felt like.

Just the fact that I remember such details of a middle school science unit should show how deeply I was affected. If only fear mongering had been used in math too; I could have been an astronaut!

So I don’t cook because I’m afraid of getting horribly sick and dying. I’m comfortable with that decision.

Now that’s not to say I haven’t tried. I’ve gone so far as to purchase chicken, put the pieces in individual freezer bags, put them in the freezer, and then look at the ground when a roommate says, “whose chicken is taking up all this room in the freezer, it’s been here forever.”

I’m not exactly proud of my inability in the kitchen, but I am proud of the way I’ve learned to cope. And I’d like to impart my non-culinary expertise on to those of you who, like me, find the kitchen a frightening place full of bacteria, disease, and sharp blades.

Let’s start in chronological order with breakfast foods. Certain cereals are great because they have tons of vitamins and minerals built in, no effort on your part needed. Other cereals are great because they are coated in sugar. Pour in some milk and you’ve got added calcium and protein, which will enable you to stay alive. Bonus!

Instant oatmeal requires little more than tearing open a package, dumping it into a bowl of milk, and microwaving for a few minutes. You’ve got warmth, mush, annnd nutrition!

Think that was valuable? Well, here’s a tip I discovered early on: breakfast foods can be eaten at any time of the day. Cereal for lunch? That’s totally appropriate! Cereal for dinner? That’s slightly less appropriate!

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Next up: lunch foods. Sandwiches are essentially just piling things up. Bread, already cooked meat, already sliced cheese, bread. You just built a tower, and a meal!

Easy Mac is similar to instant oatmeal, perhaps with a bit more stirring. Don’t worry, your work will be rewarded. Easy Mac isn’t just packed with flavor from the cheese-like powder, the hot orange color will make you feel like you’re in a Chuck-E-Cheese commercial! Radical!

Alright, last but not least: Dinner. There are many affordable restaurants that provide healthy, filling, and complicated meals. I’m talking way more than two ingredients! Check your local listings.

Hungry, but not feeling up to stirring, piling, or being in public? No problem, we can work around that. …Canned soup anyone?