Your Guide to Choosing a Career

Whether you’re a recent grad trying to enter the workforce in some way, or you’re an old person fed up with your current job, this comprehensive step by step guide is sure to help you choose a career you wont hate for at least a little while.

The first thing you want to do is throw out any other career guide you’ve purchased or borrowed from the library. Especially throw out top selling, “What Color is Your Parachute?” I don’t agree with their stance: “Quick! Buy this book, figure it out and choose a color, or you’re gonna end up smashed to bits on the pavement you’ve been steadily plummeting toward your entire life! A job is the only thing that can save you! Pick a color, pick a color!!”

The next step is some inward reflection. Think about yourself. What do you like doing? What do you hate? Who do you hate? How can you injure or mentally harm that person? (try not to get sidetracked, no matter how natural the thought progression may be)

Once you’ve answered those tough questions you’re ready to browse careers. I’ve complied my research and below are profiles of some of the occupations most often featured on television.

First up, teaching. Depending on the age you work with, you could be spending a lot of time with super fun toys. And best of all, teachers get three months off for summer vacation. While you might be tempted to become a teacher and stop reading right here, I implore you to continue. There is a dark side to teaching. I mean, do you know what time school starts? And that’s not all. Kids are covered in germs, there’s no spell check when you’re writing on the board, kids can be so cruel, and the toys probably wont even be fun because you have to use them safely.

So, if teaching isn’t for you, maybe you want to be a doctor? You’ll be well off, you’ll get to wear scrubs and Crocs to work, you’ll have access to prescription medications, and best of all you’ll be helping people. That can really raise your self-esteem. But there are sacrifices. You’ll probably have to do some gross blood and guts related things. And you’ll probably get sick a lot thanks to all the damn sick people that keep coming to you for help. It may not be worth it.

Consider becoming a professional athlete. Not only will your paycheck be in the millions, but there’s also bound to be extra income from endorsements, movie deals, and autographs you sell on Ebay. You’ll get all kinds of new clothes: home and away uniforms, warm-up pants, hats, jackets, the list is endless! But being a professional athlete isn’t all money and clothes. You’re going to have to get in shape. And I don’t think taking the stairs instead of the elevator will do the trick. You’re going to have to lift weights, go running all the time, and stop having “beer and cake Fridays.”

Perhaps you’d rather be a lawyer? If you find you have a real talent for law, you could probably keep yourself and loved ones out of jail regardless of the crime. If you find you don’t have that much talent, at least you’ll be in a better position to know a good lawyer than the average criminal. Downsides to this job would be the obvious; getting too involved in your trial and causing the murderer to add you to his hit list.

The last career I’d like to discuss is that of a psychologist. You will definitely be the most interesting person at any party you go to. If another party guest tries to tell an interesting story, I’m sure you’ll be able to top them with something your kooky or ill patients have done. But let’s not lose sight of the psychology profession as a whole. You might have to be fairly mentally balanced yourself to have any credibility at the job. Also, psychologist isn’t a great choice if you don’t like talking to people, looking people in the eye, or listening to others for even the shortest amount of time.

Hopefully by now my advice and insights have led you directly to your dream job. Wherever your interests take you, I wish you luck, prosperity, and enjoyment. And if you find all of that at your workplace, please let me know when they’re hiring. And put in a good word for me. Unless people don’t really like you, and you’re kinda that weird guy nobody sits next to at lunch. In that case, just tell me when they’re hiring.