The Horror

I do not like scary movies. Nor do I understand their appeal. And while I have never seen a scary movie by my own volition, I have been made to watch quite a few. It was almost always due to social pressures; there was a sleepover party and the movie was already rented and everybody else wanted to watch it, the big kids invited me to the movies and I was too excited/nervous to voice an opinion, or I was simply over at a friend’s house and despite my protests the movie was put in and play was pressed. All unavoidable situations; all caused years of anxiety. It’s time I spoke out against this genre.

I don’t see how horror movies could, in anyway, be fun or pleasurable. First of all, they are often violent and gory, which doesn’t top my list of enjoyable things to look at. Additionally, the main point of a horror movie is to make me uncomfortable, jumpy, and frightened. How is that entertainment? Oh, wow, what a great movie! I can tell because I’m shaking and about to cry. This is a wonderful experience! I’d gladly pay $10 again if a movie could make me this upset. I definitely wouldn’t rather pay $10 to watch a movie that makes me laugh and smile.

On another note, if anyone out there is looking for warning signs of potential criminals, writers and directors of scary movies could not be sending stronger signals. Instead of holding these people in esteem as artists, we should perhaps be getting them help. They think of nothing but worst case scenarios. Husband cheating on you? No he’s planning on murdering you! Going on a class trip? Well, all your peers are going to die! Simply having a family, going to work, saving for vacation, trying to have a normal life? Nope, neighbors are serial killers and they’re coming over to kill you with golf clubs! These aren’t logical chains of events. The people who come up with these stories don’t have normal brain patterns.

For example, the writer of the Saw movies is a complete crazy person. The cruelties portrayed in his movies are so grotesque, unique, and brutal they seem unimaginable. Yet the writer imagined them. And he didn’t just imagine them in a in a general sense, he invented every single detail to make those torture devices and the human response as realistic as possible. I would argue that not everyone is capable of those kinds of thoughts. And I’m nervous about giving someone who does have those kinds of thoughts a public voice. Yeah, great idea, let’s grant the guy who thinks up monstrous ways to physically and emotionally torment people a forum to reach everyone ages 17 and up. Oh, and if their parents say it’s okay or they look old, kids under 17 should be able to experience this guy’s ideas too. Makes perfect sense to me!

Believe it or not, I’m also pretty strongly against scary movie commercials. Why do they have to be so graphic? I’m just trying to watch TV, I don’t want to hear some child whispering “are you okay?” all slow and creepy, and then, with a flash of light, have a hand claw out at me. That’s not fair. If I choose to buy a ticket, then sure, go ahead and let that little kid whisper at me, but not until then.

And why are horror movies advertised during comedy television shows? Just because it’s late at night?! Staying up late does not mean I invite images of criminally insane cannibals into my living room. I just want to watch The Colbert Report! I’m not in your target audience! Advertise for pillows, that’s what I’m more susceptible to purchasing after 11:30, not tickets to a murder show.

Don’t worry, I have ways of standing up for myself. I’ve got news for everyone who put effort into creating the scary movies I’ve seen: your efforts were wasted on me. I didn’t see your award winning performances, your expensive special effects, or your artistically framed scenes because my eyes were closed the whole time. (Well, not the whole time, I do tend to watch the nice parts that show how happy everyone is before the murders get going.) But get this: I also didn’t hear your meticulously crafted creepy dialogue, or your painstakingly composed bone-chilling music because I was plugging my ears and humming a pleasant little tune throughout all the frightening parts. So, horror movie industry …take that.