Anger Management

Today I'd like to discuss ways to deal with road rage and minimize the violent confrontations that invariably result.

Listen, I know driving can be terrible. From the morons who cut you off and stop for pedestrians, to the slow grandmas who what? Don’t notice tailgating, high beams, and excessive honking?! Go, lady!

I’m not here to eliminate your rage, you’re right to be angry at those horrible people. I’m just here to teach you some techniques to express your anger in ways that won’t get you sued or charged with assault and battery.

And I’m not talking about everyday anger management techniques like breathing exercises, counting to ten, or seeing how quickly you can get those around you to cry and shake with fear. That sort of thing never works.

Instead, consider taking your anger out on your passengers. It masks road rage, while getting things off your chest. Your daughter’s on the phone too much, your son’s bad at sports, your wife is like, obsessed, with your road rage issues. Whatever it is, a derisive shouting session can easily release the frustration you feel after 3 red lights in a row.

But what if you’re alone in the car? Let’s say there’s traffic, you’re late for work, and somebody cuts you off. I’d suggest not brandishing weapons out the window while ramming the back of the offending car repeatedly, but rather exerting you energies on inanimate objects of your procession.

Slamming you hands into the thin roof of your car, makes you feel powerful. Punching the passenger seat is satisfying and easy on the hands. And while mashing the radio can be costly, destroying something expensive and electronic really gives you a sense of accomplishment.

Visualizing is another wonderful tool. If someone is driving too slowly, simply visualize yourself punching them, putting them in a headlock while smashing their face into the trunk, or holding a gun to their head as they cry and beg for their lives. Before you know it, your fury will melt away into joy.

So, with these techniques under your belt, I’d imagine the next time somebody honks at you, you’ll be able to handle it— without forcing them to pull over and then making them bleed from the face area.