New Rules For Old Board Game

Scrabble

If you can make your opponent too insecure to challenge your fake words, you’ve won the game. 

If a player is winning by more than 150 points, proper nouns and phrases will be accepted from all other players—given that those proper nouns and phrases insult the winning player. i.e. Mr. LuckyTiles, Captain Fatty, Guess Who Isn’t Invited To The Next Game Night.  

If you successfully trick players into thinking you have a blank tile when really you’ve just flipped over a regular tile, you’ve won the game. If the tile you flipped was a hard to play tile (Q, X, or Z) then the results of the 3 most pervious games (within the past 10 years) are altered to make you the winner. 

Blank tiles played may be challenged. However, if a challenge is incorrect, the challenger must trade in all their tiles and replace them with Q’s, X’s, and Z’s.

Monopoly

In order to speed the game up, players no longer take turns, but rather wrestle the dice away from each other and go at will. To really speed things up, dice from other board games may be incorporated, and more than one player can go at once. 

Instead of calculating how much an opponent owes you when they land on your property, you get 3 seconds to grab as much of their cash as possible. 

Whoever chooses the dog figurine as their game piece gets an addition $500 for being the best piece. 

Whoever chooses the iron figurine as their game piece gets an addition $100 in an effort to raise their self-esteem. At distribution, have the banker say something like: “Because you earned it!” or “This is the special prize for the prettiest girl.”

Chess

Instead of a game of logic and strategy this version of Chess becomes a game of creativity and artistry. Players use pieces to reenact either the royal wedding, an episode of Game of Thrones, or the Leonardo DiCaprio version of Romeo and Juliet. Players are allowed to venture outside of popular culture for their reenactment, but they risk alienating the audience. This is a dangerous move as winners are determined by audience applause.

Trivial Pursuit

Whoever throws this game out wins.

Zipping Around Town

Zip Car gets to strut around like they’re something special. With their washed cars free of sticky cup holders and extensive body damage. But Zip Car isn’t all maintenance and new car smell. Remember all those times you thought you found that one open parking space, right up front, that somehow everyone else missed? But when you got up there, it wasn’t an available spot, was it? 

And Zip Car isn’t just unfair to outsiders looking for a good parking spot, the service is also unfair to members. I know this because, though it pains me, I am a Zip Car member. Look, I’m sorry, but sometimes I just finished eating a burrito and I don’t want to propel my bike and body weight up any hills, or even across any flat surfaces. (If it was all down hill, all the time, Zip Car would be out of business.)

Zip Car misleads customers by painting themselves as the simple, stress-free car rental experience. Oh, how convenient, the closest car is about a mile from my house and it’s a pickup truck! And don’t worry, if the truck’s checked out, I can just walk two more miles to the next Zip Car! Often times the only reason I want a Zip Car is because it’s raining. Now look at me. Soaked.

Even after you finally arrive at your Zip Car, you still can’t relax. You have to get into this unfamiliar car, adjust the mirrors somehow, find the windshield wiper controls, figure out why the doors aren’t locking— all while being screamed at by anger-rap and vibrating slightly from the bass because apparently the pervious driver was hard of hearing and mad about it. 

And actually driving the Zip Car isn’t any better. Time after time I find myself driving down the road, terrified of new blind spots, trying to figure out how to turn off my brights, and then it hits me! I forgot to look for and report any damage before I started driving! If the previous driver dented the door or something I’m going to have to pay for it. Plus, if I cause any damage I’m going to have to pay for that too because I didn’t remember to report any fake damage in my usual “problem areas” (rear bumper, front fender corners). 

Returning the Zip Car is no simple matter. The car must be returned to the original parking space it was picked up from. So, you cannot drive to meet your friends at a movie, park at another Zip Car spot, and forget about the car forever. Instead, you can park the car, keep paying for it while you watch the movie, tell that boy you like you can’t ride home with him because you have to return the Zip Car to it’s original space, and then drive back to the original space— at which point you can finally stop paying for the car.

Now, I must admit, there are some positives to Zip Car. You don’t have to talk to, or be seen by, anyone in order to use the service. Signing up and renting out a car is all done online. And picking up the car requires no human interaction, you just swipe your card. It’s great if, for example, you haven’t changed out of your night clothes in three days and you just want to go to the grocery store really quick to get some more ice cream because, if we look at your pants, you clearly spilled quite a bit of your previous ice cream and probably didn’t get your fill. 

 Oh, another great thing about Zip Car is that their luxury cars don’t display the logo anywhere. So whoever sees you pulling out of the high school reunion parking lot will be much more likely to believe that you actually are a wealthy Google Brain Surgeon. And they thought there was no such thing and that you were an idiot. 

Although I’m pretty much against Zip Car, I will continue to use it. I mean, what am I going to do, buy a car? Figure out the bus schedule? Just stay my room, under the covers, and have my groceries delivered? While that last option does seem ideal (especially if I had Netflix), I think we all know I can’t do that. Sooner or later, I’ll stop getting out of bed to open the door for the grocery delivery man and I’ll die of starvation. Thus, Zip Car is a necessary evil in my life. 

Love Is a Curious Thing

The Power of Love:

Can cause you to sing from the rooftops.

Cannot improve your musical ability or balance.

Can enable you to lift a car to free your trapped baby.

Cannot enable you to pry open the locked doors of a 7-11 to get your favorite candy bar.

Can turn you into a poet.

Cannot make others enjoy people who refer to themselves as poets.

Can give you realistic visions of fireworks exploding in the night sky.

Cannot give you realistic visions of fireworks exploding in big bowls of pudding. 

Can make you a more generous person.

Cannot lower the price of anything.

Can make you cry.

Cannot stop you from crying once someone enters the room.

Can bring you to your knees.

Cannot help you grow several feet taller and intimidate the object of your affection into loving you back. 

What To Do With Thanksgiving Leftovers

-Use them as a passive aggressive way to find out who actually liked your stuffing. "Don't you want to take some stuffing home with you, Mom? Oh, just one scoop. I see."

-Save at least one plate exactly as it was left on the table--  obscene mashed potato sculpture, bits of broken glass, tear-stained napkin and all--  as a reminder of why smaller, separate tables are better than one big table the whole extended family can sit at together. 

-Passive aggressively tell your sister that her green bean casserole was terrible while giving your dog a healthy treat!

-Make sandwiches. Sure everyone makes leftover turkey sandwiches, but what are you supposed to do when the only thing left is cranberry sauce? Make another turkey?  Nope, just slather that stuff between some bread and pack it for lunch! (Ideally, pack it for someone else’s lunch.) 

-Collect the discarded food from guests’ plates, mush it together in a Christmas tree shape, freeze until Christmas.

-Use as projectiles to make Black Friday go a little smoother. “C’mon guys, lets leave, people are starting to throw gravy-filled water balloons. We can get a flat screen tv later, at full price. This isn’t worth it.” And then the line becomes one family shorter.

-Use as projectiles to make Any Time Shopping go a little smoother. “Hey, I just got hit by a hard, moldy yam! Let’s get out here, we can do our back to school shopping somewhere else!”

-If sister’s kids or pets were cuter than yours at Thanksgiving, use the leftovers to fatten up her kids and pets so yours will definitely be cuter at Christmas. 

-Buy no other food and merely live off the leftovers for as long as possible, thus really sticking it to grocery stores and restaurants that usually have such a monopoly on the whole “need food to survive” thing.

Let's See

I hate to admit it, but I am near-sighted and need to wear glasses. I tried switching to contacts, it didn't work. Apparently my survival instinct is really high and I can't stomach sticking my finger in my eyeball multiple times a day. And laser eye surgery isn’t really an option because lasers are for things like death rays, and because lasers should always be pointed away from the eyes. Any label knows that. So, I’ve learned to cope with my glasses.

I am lucky because my eyes aren’t so terrible that I have to constantly wear glasses. Sure, my driver’s license says I need them to drive, but the MVA just doesn’t want to be held liable for any accidents. I mean, I can see the cars coming at me, all big and colorful. I just maybe couldn’t read their license plates. No big deal.

However, I do feel like I miss out on a lot of bumper stickers. Bumper sticker font is often too small to read no matter how severely I tailgate. And maybe it’s because I can’t read them, but it always seems like the good bumper stickers are hard to make out, while the asinine ones have big, bold, easy-to-read lettering. Like those old “MEAN PEOPLE SUCK” bumper stickers. So easy to read, but such a bad message! Mean people are some of the funniest people around! Plus, by saying a certain type of person “sucks” you’re being pretty mean yourself. So do you suck, owners of that bumper sticker, or are you just hypocrites?

And don’t get me started on those new “bumper stickers” that go on minivan rear windows. You know, those stick figure decals of each family member all lined up that seem to say, “we’re such a fun, happy family we could have our own special on Nickelodeon Jr— and we have no problem with the fact that we’re so unoriginal a Hallmark employee managed to capture our essence in a stick figure.”  Why can’t those bumper stickers be the small ones and the funny stickers that say things like, “If yous kin reed this, thank a teecher,” be the big ones? Just because I have poor eyesight doesn’t mean I deserve to be subjected to the lame and spared from the insults to intellectuals! 

Now don’t get me wrong, I do like the popular belief that smart people wear glasses. I mean, in my case it’s just so accurate I can’t possibly find any fault with it. 

However, I do not like the popular belief that dorky people wear glasses. It makes no sense. Glasses don’t prevent me from picking up on social cues or wearing a bikini while riding a skateboard. Glasses are just a tool that make my eyes stronger and more effective. Is society trying to say that using tools to make yourself stronger and more effective is dorky? Because under that logic, Batman would be a pretty huge dork. And personally, I wouldn’t want to go around insulting someone who is good at punching and can basically fly. 

I’d also like to address the term “Four Eyes.” That is not an accurate description of the situation, nor does it make sense as an insult. My glasses go in front of my eyes and help me see, they are not another pair of eyes capable of independent sight. And if they were, that would be awesome. “Four Eyes” should be a compliment.

For argument’s sake, let’s say the first caveman to evolve opposable thumbs was called “Four Hands.” (This nickname would at least make sense because opposable thumbs are kind of like tiny hands that can grasp and carry.) Now, do you think this early-evolved caveman was insulted or complimented when he was called “Four Hands?” As in, “We should all follow ‘Four-Hands’ because of how much better he is at moving rocks and fighting predators.” Or, “Let’s give our first born to ‘Four Hands’ because he’ll be able to provide him with shelter and food.” Or, “I wish I could give a thumbs up like ‘Four Hands.’ Man, that guy is cool.”

So, I think it’s about time for society to reevaluate the way we look at glasses-wearers. Either that, or invent some kind of machine that is not scary and can painlessly fix my eyes. And it’s free. And it dispenses cotton candy (in case you’re nervous during the procedure). I think we all know which option is more practical. Get to work, medical science!

What Should You Be For Halloween?

Scary Costumes  

Examples: Grim reaper, Zombie, Your future self stuck in the same dead-end job, with less hair, and apparently that rash didn’t just go away on it’s own. 

Pros: Satisfaction of being true to the Halloween spirit. It's fun scaring people.

Cons: When children run from you screaming you’ll feel accomplished, but the subconscious effect will be much less positive.

Sexy Costumes

Examples: Nurse, Fairy, Turtle Without Its Shell

Pros: Won’t get over heated in crowded bars. Also, attention!

Cons: Might get really cold. EMTs will take you less seriously when responding to your alcohol poisoning.

Word Play Costumes

Examples: Cereal killer (serial killer), Hot tea (hottie), A gift box with label reading, “To: Women  From: God” (annoying person)

Pros: People will call you clever!

Cons: You’ll struggle with your conscience at each and every compliment as you fail to tell people you didn’t think of the costume on your own, but rather Googled, “clever Halloween costumes.”

Your Own Regular Clothes Costumes

Examples: Average Joe, Commuter, Poor Sport

Pros: Easy, comfortable, inexpensive.

Cons: Chance you'll feel left out. People may withhold free drinks because they think you aren't really dressed up.

Obscure Costumes

Examples: 1987 Denver Nuggets third string point guard, The brother from Clarissa Explains it All, That guy from that dream you had once.

Pros: Feel superior to others for knowing more than them.

Cons: Waste a lot of time researching detailed info that will never be useful again. 

TV or Movie Character Costumes

Examples: Bart Simpson, Someone from Star Trek/Wars, You if you had applied yourself. 

Pros: Costumes are premade and easy to find, so all you have to do is go to the store the night before Halloween and shell out some money.  

Cons: Might get sued for character defamation because of eating all that Taco Bell in public while dressed as a celebrity. 

Popular Party Games

Host’s Food Eating Contest

Who can make the most host’s food disappear without getting caught? Remember, despite the name of the game, you don’t actually have to eat the food. You just have to ruin it. 

Some options include stealing food, mixing different foods together and then daring people to consume your concoction, throwing food at other guests—either blatantly as a food fight, or secretly as a surprise for guests to find in their clothes and hair the next morning. 

But you might just want to go ahead and eat because few things are as satisfying as being drunk and having access to mass amounts of free food. 

Disqualification: You throw up any amount of the host’s food.

Bonus points: Find and devour the expensive chocolates/rare and exotic truffles/endangered condor eggs that the host clearly tried to hide from drunk guests. 

Beer Pong Distraction

This game is challenging to your imagination and bravery, yet simple in form. All you do is walk up to the beer pong table and try to make players miss their shots. There’s no signing up, no waiting for a turn, and no choosing an allegiance. Why ruin the game for just one team, when you could be ruining it for everyone?

Pretty much anything is fair game outside of attacking players and/or cups. From making noises to starting fires and from pretending the cops have arrived to faking a heart attack, it’s all in bounds if it makes a player mess up. 

Disqualification: Somebody hits you in the face. 

Bonus points: A player gets so mad he hits the table/wall/his partner with such force it knocks over his team’s cups. Be very careful, it is difficult to pull off this maneuver without getting disqualified.

Create A Bathroom

This game is great for both those who have to go to the bathroom and those who don’t. Though it’s especially great if you do have to go to the bathroom. There are few rules; just create a bathroom by doing your business somewhere that isn’t traditionally a bathroom. Points are awarded for originality and daring, so don’t just settle for some private corner of the yard. Consider the front steps, a corner of the bedroom, someone’s shoes, anywhere, just be creative!

If you’re reluctant to play because you’re “polite,” or “friends with the host,” I have a feeling you’ll change your mind at some point while you’re suffering in the ridiculously slow real-bathroom line. 

Disqualification: Bathroom created in pants. 

Bonus points: Poop.