In the Kitchen with Clara

For years now I’ve been subsisting on a diet of restaurant food and things that are easy to cook. While I do enjoy restaurants, the real driving force behind my dietary choices is the fact that I cannot cook. And I find the idea of learning rather intimidating/impossible. I’m not exactly sure why, but perhaps a look into my past will prove revealing.

When I was 6 my sister accidently caused a small fire in the toaster. But I’m not sure that made me have any negative feeling about cooking. To be honest, I sort of enjoyed it. The fire wasn’t really scary, as much as something to tease my sister about for the rest of her life.

Hmm, perhaps a traumatizing incident happened later in life. At age 15 I sliced my finger while cutting a bagel. Permanent nerve damage left me with no feeling in the tip of my left ring finger. But that’s not actually as bad as it sounds. Sure it hurt at the time, but as a consequence my fidgeting has forever been advanced. While other people can only twiddle their thumbs when bored in class, I can run my finger over my paper and marvel at not being able to feel where the paper ends and the desk begins. I can close my eyes and make a game of it, blindly guessing where the paper’s edge is. Time flies and before I know it class is over. Oh, but don’t worry, I’m sure twiddling your thumbs has the same effect...

While these first two events are logical reasons to cause a fear of cooking, I don’t think that’s what is going on in my complicated, deep, and extremely intelligent psyche.

I believe the cause is more academic. In 7^th grade we spent a week studying the terrifying diseases that come from eating undercooked meat. Trichinosis, tape worm, salmonella, parasites, and of course, death. We went over not just what happened to one’s fragile insides, but what each disease physically felt like.

Just the fact that I remember such details of a middle school science unit should show how deeply I was affected. If only fear mongering had been used in math too; I could have been an astronaut!

So I don’t cook because I’m afraid of getting horribly sick and dying. I’m comfortable with that decision.

Now that’s not to say I haven’t tried. I’ve gone so far as to purchase chicken, put the pieces in individual freezer bags, put them in the freezer, and then look at the ground when a roommate says, “whose chicken is taking up all this room in the freezer, it’s been here forever.”

I’m not exactly proud of my inability in the kitchen, but I am proud of the way I’ve learned to cope. And I’d like to impart my non-culinary expertise on to those of you who, like me, find the kitchen a frightening place full of bacteria, disease, and sharp blades.

Let’s start in chronological order with breakfast foods. Certain cereals are great because they have tons of vitamins and minerals built in, no effort on your part needed. Other cereals are great because they are coated in sugar. Pour in some milk and you’ve got added calcium and protein, which will enable you to stay alive. Bonus!

Instant oatmeal requires little more than tearing open a package, dumping it into a bowl of milk, and microwaving for a few minutes. You’ve got warmth, mush, annnd nutrition!

Think that was valuable? Well, here’s a tip I discovered early on: breakfast foods can be eaten at any time of the day. Cereal for lunch? That’s totally appropriate! Cereal for dinner? That’s slightly less appropriate!

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Next up: lunch foods. Sandwiches are essentially just piling things up. Bread, already cooked meat, already sliced cheese, bread. You just built a tower, and a meal!

Easy Mac is similar to instant oatmeal, perhaps with a bit more stirring. Don’t worry, your work will be rewarded. Easy Mac isn’t just packed with flavor from the cheese-like powder, the hot orange color will make you feel like you’re in a Chuck-E-Cheese commercial! Radical!

Alright, last but not least: Dinner. There are many affordable restaurants that provide healthy, filling, and complicated meals. I’m talking way more than two ingredients! Check your local listings.

Hungry, but not feeling up to stirring, piling, or being in public? No problem, we can work around that. …Canned soup anyone?