Zipping Around Town

Zip Car gets to strut around like they’re something special. With their washed cars free of sticky cup holders and extensive body damage. But Zip Car isn’t all maintenance and new car smell. Remember all those times you thought you found that one open parking space, right up front, that somehow everyone else missed? But when you got up there, it wasn’t an available spot, was it? 

And Zip Car isn’t just unfair to outsiders looking for a good parking spot, the service is also unfair to members. I know this because, though it pains me, I am a Zip Car member. Look, I’m sorry, but sometimes I just finished eating a burrito and I don’t want to propel my bike and body weight up any hills, or even across any flat surfaces. (If it was all down hill, all the time, Zip Car would be out of business.)

Zip Car misleads customers by painting themselves as the simple, stress-free car rental experience. Oh, how convenient, the closest car is about a mile from my house and it’s a pickup truck! And don’t worry, if the truck’s checked out, I can just walk two more miles to the next Zip Car! Often times the only reason I want a Zip Car is because it’s raining. Now look at me. Soaked.

Even after you finally arrive at your Zip Car, you still can’t relax. You have to get into this unfamiliar car, adjust the mirrors somehow, find the windshield wiper controls, figure out why the doors aren’t locking— all while being screamed at by anger-rap and vibrating slightly from the bass because apparently the pervious driver was hard of hearing and mad about it. 

And actually driving the Zip Car isn’t any better. Time after time I find myself driving down the road, terrified of new blind spots, trying to figure out how to turn off my brights, and then it hits me! I forgot to look for and report any damage before I started driving! If the previous driver dented the door or something I’m going to have to pay for it. Plus, if I cause any damage I’m going to have to pay for that too because I didn’t remember to report any fake damage in my usual “problem areas” (rear bumper, front fender corners). 

Returning the Zip Car is no simple matter. The car must be returned to the original parking space it was picked up from. So, you cannot drive to meet your friends at a movie, park at another Zip Car spot, and forget about the car forever. Instead, you can park the car, keep paying for it while you watch the movie, tell that boy you like you can’t ride home with him because you have to return the Zip Car to it’s original space, and then drive back to the original space— at which point you can finally stop paying for the car.

Now, I must admit, there are some positives to Zip Car. You don’t have to talk to, or be seen by, anyone in order to use the service. Signing up and renting out a car is all done online. And picking up the car requires no human interaction, you just swipe your card. It’s great if, for example, you haven’t changed out of your night clothes in three days and you just want to go to the grocery store really quick to get some more ice cream because, if we look at your pants, you clearly spilled quite a bit of your previous ice cream and probably didn’t get your fill. 

 Oh, another great thing about Zip Car is that their luxury cars don’t display the logo anywhere. So whoever sees you pulling out of the high school reunion parking lot will be much more likely to believe that you actually are a wealthy Google Brain Surgeon. And they thought there was no such thing and that you were an idiot. 

Although I’m pretty much against Zip Car, I will continue to use it. I mean, what am I going to do, buy a car? Figure out the bus schedule? Just stay my room, under the covers, and have my groceries delivered? While that last option does seem ideal (especially if I had Netflix), I think we all know I can’t do that. Sooner or later, I’ll stop getting out of bed to open the door for the grocery delivery man and I’ll die of starvation. Thus, Zip Car is a necessary evil in my life. 

Love Is a Curious Thing

The Power of Love:

Can cause you to sing from the rooftops.

Cannot improve your musical ability or balance.

Can enable you to lift a car to free your trapped baby.

Cannot enable you to pry open the locked doors of a 7-11 to get your favorite candy bar.

Can turn you into a poet.

Cannot make others enjoy people who refer to themselves as poets.

Can give you realistic visions of fireworks exploding in the night sky.

Cannot give you realistic visions of fireworks exploding in big bowls of pudding. 

Can make you a more generous person.

Cannot lower the price of anything.

Can make you cry.

Cannot stop you from crying once someone enters the room.

Can bring you to your knees.

Cannot help you grow several feet taller and intimidate the object of your affection into loving you back. 

What To Do With Thanksgiving Leftovers

-Use them as a passive aggressive way to find out who actually liked your stuffing. "Don't you want to take some stuffing home with you, Mom? Oh, just one scoop. I see."

-Save at least one plate exactly as it was left on the table--  obscene mashed potato sculpture, bits of broken glass, tear-stained napkin and all--  as a reminder of why smaller, separate tables are better than one big table the whole extended family can sit at together. 

-Passive aggressively tell your sister that her green bean casserole was terrible while giving your dog a healthy treat!

-Make sandwiches. Sure everyone makes leftover turkey sandwiches, but what are you supposed to do when the only thing left is cranberry sauce? Make another turkey?  Nope, just slather that stuff between some bread and pack it for lunch! (Ideally, pack it for someone else’s lunch.) 

-Collect the discarded food from guests’ plates, mush it together in a Christmas tree shape, freeze until Christmas.

-Use as projectiles to make Black Friday go a little smoother. “C’mon guys, lets leave, people are starting to throw gravy-filled water balloons. We can get a flat screen tv later, at full price. This isn’t worth it.” And then the line becomes one family shorter.

-Use as projectiles to make Any Time Shopping go a little smoother. “Hey, I just got hit by a hard, moldy yam! Let’s get out here, we can do our back to school shopping somewhere else!”

-If sister’s kids or pets were cuter than yours at Thanksgiving, use the leftovers to fatten up her kids and pets so yours will definitely be cuter at Christmas. 

-Buy no other food and merely live off the leftovers for as long as possible, thus really sticking it to grocery stores and restaurants that usually have such a monopoly on the whole “need food to survive” thing.

Let's See

I hate to admit it, but I am near-sighted and need to wear glasses. I tried switching to contacts, it didn't work. Apparently my survival instinct is really high and I can't stomach sticking my finger in my eyeball multiple times a day. And laser eye surgery isn’t really an option because lasers are for things like death rays, and because lasers should always be pointed away from the eyes. Any label knows that. So, I’ve learned to cope with my glasses.

I am lucky because my eyes aren’t so terrible that I have to constantly wear glasses. Sure, my driver’s license says I need them to drive, but the MVA just doesn’t want to be held liable for any accidents. I mean, I can see the cars coming at me, all big and colorful. I just maybe couldn’t read their license plates. No big deal.

However, I do feel like I miss out on a lot of bumper stickers. Bumper sticker font is often too small to read no matter how severely I tailgate. And maybe it’s because I can’t read them, but it always seems like the good bumper stickers are hard to make out, while the asinine ones have big, bold, easy-to-read lettering. Like those old “MEAN PEOPLE SUCK” bumper stickers. So easy to read, but such a bad message! Mean people are some of the funniest people around! Plus, by saying a certain type of person “sucks” you’re being pretty mean yourself. So do you suck, owners of that bumper sticker, or are you just hypocrites?

And don’t get me started on those new “bumper stickers” that go on minivan rear windows. You know, those stick figure decals of each family member all lined up that seem to say, “we’re such a fun, happy family we could have our own special on Nickelodeon Jr— and we have no problem with the fact that we’re so unoriginal a Hallmark employee managed to capture our essence in a stick figure.”  Why can’t those bumper stickers be the small ones and the funny stickers that say things like, “If yous kin reed this, thank a teecher,” be the big ones? Just because I have poor eyesight doesn’t mean I deserve to be subjected to the lame and spared from the insults to intellectuals! 

Now don’t get me wrong, I do like the popular belief that smart people wear glasses. I mean, in my case it’s just so accurate I can’t possibly find any fault with it. 

However, I do not like the popular belief that dorky people wear glasses. It makes no sense. Glasses don’t prevent me from picking up on social cues or wearing a bikini while riding a skateboard. Glasses are just a tool that make my eyes stronger and more effective. Is society trying to say that using tools to make yourself stronger and more effective is dorky? Because under that logic, Batman would be a pretty huge dork. And personally, I wouldn’t want to go around insulting someone who is good at punching and can basically fly. 

I’d also like to address the term “Four Eyes.” That is not an accurate description of the situation, nor does it make sense as an insult. My glasses go in front of my eyes and help me see, they are not another pair of eyes capable of independent sight. And if they were, that would be awesome. “Four Eyes” should be a compliment.

For argument’s sake, let’s say the first caveman to evolve opposable thumbs was called “Four Hands.” (This nickname would at least make sense because opposable thumbs are kind of like tiny hands that can grasp and carry.) Now, do you think this early-evolved caveman was insulted or complimented when he was called “Four Hands?” As in, “We should all follow ‘Four-Hands’ because of how much better he is at moving rocks and fighting predators.” Or, “Let’s give our first born to ‘Four Hands’ because he’ll be able to provide him with shelter and food.” Or, “I wish I could give a thumbs up like ‘Four Hands.’ Man, that guy is cool.”

So, I think it’s about time for society to reevaluate the way we look at glasses-wearers. Either that, or invent some kind of machine that is not scary and can painlessly fix my eyes. And it’s free. And it dispenses cotton candy (in case you’re nervous during the procedure). I think we all know which option is more practical. Get to work, medical science!

What Should You Be For Halloween?

Scary Costumes  

Examples: Grim reaper, Zombie, Your future self stuck in the same dead-end job, with less hair, and apparently that rash didn’t just go away on it’s own. 

Pros: Satisfaction of being true to the Halloween spirit. It's fun scaring people.

Cons: When children run from you screaming you’ll feel accomplished, but the subconscious effect will be much less positive.

Sexy Costumes

Examples: Nurse, Fairy, Turtle Without Its Shell

Pros: Won’t get over heated in crowded bars. Also, attention!

Cons: Might get really cold. EMTs will take you less seriously when responding to your alcohol poisoning.

Word Play Costumes

Examples: Cereal killer (serial killer), Hot tea (hottie), A gift box with label reading, “To: Women  From: God” (annoying person)

Pros: People will call you clever!

Cons: You’ll struggle with your conscience at each and every compliment as you fail to tell people you didn’t think of the costume on your own, but rather Googled, “clever Halloween costumes.”

Your Own Regular Clothes Costumes

Examples: Average Joe, Commuter, Poor Sport

Pros: Easy, comfortable, inexpensive.

Cons: Chance you'll feel left out. People may withhold free drinks because they think you aren't really dressed up.

Obscure Costumes

Examples: 1987 Denver Nuggets third string point guard, The brother from Clarissa Explains it All, That guy from that dream you had once.

Pros: Feel superior to others for knowing more than them.

Cons: Waste a lot of time researching detailed info that will never be useful again. 

TV or Movie Character Costumes

Examples: Bart Simpson, Someone from Star Trek/Wars, You if you had applied yourself. 

Pros: Costumes are premade and easy to find, so all you have to do is go to the store the night before Halloween and shell out some money.  

Cons: Might get sued for character defamation because of eating all that Taco Bell in public while dressed as a celebrity. 

Popular Party Games

Host’s Food Eating Contest

Who can make the most host’s food disappear without getting caught? Remember, despite the name of the game, you don’t actually have to eat the food. You just have to ruin it. 

Some options include stealing food, mixing different foods together and then daring people to consume your concoction, throwing food at other guests—either blatantly as a food fight, or secretly as a surprise for guests to find in their clothes and hair the next morning. 

But you might just want to go ahead and eat because few things are as satisfying as being drunk and having access to mass amounts of free food. 

Disqualification: You throw up any amount of the host’s food.

Bonus points: Find and devour the expensive chocolates/rare and exotic truffles/endangered condor eggs that the host clearly tried to hide from drunk guests. 

Beer Pong Distraction

This game is challenging to your imagination and bravery, yet simple in form. All you do is walk up to the beer pong table and try to make players miss their shots. There’s no signing up, no waiting for a turn, and no choosing an allegiance. Why ruin the game for just one team, when you could be ruining it for everyone?

Pretty much anything is fair game outside of attacking players and/or cups. From making noises to starting fires and from pretending the cops have arrived to faking a heart attack, it’s all in bounds if it makes a player mess up. 

Disqualification: Somebody hits you in the face. 

Bonus points: A player gets so mad he hits the table/wall/his partner with such force it knocks over his team’s cups. Be very careful, it is difficult to pull off this maneuver without getting disqualified.

Create A Bathroom

This game is great for both those who have to go to the bathroom and those who don’t. Though it’s especially great if you do have to go to the bathroom. There are few rules; just create a bathroom by doing your business somewhere that isn’t traditionally a bathroom. Points are awarded for originality and daring, so don’t just settle for some private corner of the yard. Consider the front steps, a corner of the bedroom, someone’s shoes, anywhere, just be creative!

If you’re reluctant to play because you’re “polite,” or “friends with the host,” I have a feeling you’ll change your mind at some point while you’re suffering in the ridiculously slow real-bathroom line. 

Disqualification: Bathroom created in pants. 

Bonus points: Poop.

Pizza Kingdom

DOUG:  Welcome to Pizza Kingdom.

CUSTOMER 1: Hi, I’d like 2 plain slices.

DOUG: Excuse me, but that is no way to address a king!

CUSTOMER 1: Huh?

DOUG: You come into my kingdom, don’t bow or humble yourself in any manner, yet go so far as to expect me to serve you!

CUSTOMER 1: Listen, I’m starving, can I just have 2 slices?

DOUG: Ugh, I am so tired of the hungry masses crawling to my feet to grovel and complain! If you are starving, petition your lord to increase your rations! This is hardly a matter for the king. How did you get past the guards?

CUSTOMER 1: What guards? Ah, whatever, I’ll just go across the street.

DOUG: Rather rude! Note to self: Find out who her lord is and take some of his land as penance. Hello, and welcome to Pizza Kingdom.

CUSTOMER 2: Hey, how’s it going? Uh...lemme get that spinach and mushroom piece there.

DOUG: You are quite bold indeed, to make demands upon a king!

CUSTOMER 2: Ha ha. Nice act, very funny. Spinach and mushroom please.

DOUG: These peasants disgust me, with their meager vegetable subsistence and slovenly dress.

CUSTOMER 2: Hey, c’mon pal, what gives?!

MANAGER: Is there a problem here?

DOUG: No sir, sorry sir.

CUSTOMER 2: This kid won’t give me my pizza!

MANAGER: Doug! How many times do have to tell you...to address me as Sire.

DOUG: Forgive me, Sire.

CUSTOMER 2: Oh for crying out loud!

MANAGER: It’s alright, Doug. You’re just a young king. Soon you’ll be more versed in the royal ways. Now, who is this mere serf, and how did he get past the guards?

CUSTOMER 2: What guards? And how can you both be king? Shouldn’t he be a prince or something?

DOUG: Insolent subject!

CUSTOMER 2: Alright, alright. Your majesties, would you bestow upon me the right to purchase some pizza from you?

MANAGER: Bargaining with Kings?! How dare you?! I banish thee! Out! Out, I say!

CUSTOMER 2: Fine, forget you guys.

MANAGER: I’ll be on my throne if you need me.

CUSTOMER 3: Hi there, I need to order 3 large pizzas.

DOUG: Is this for some sort of feast?

CUSTOMER 3: Heh, yeah, kinda. I’m from Book Empire down the road, and it’s our manager’s birthday, so--

DOUG: ...Book Empire... INTRUDER! INTRUDER!

CUSTOMER 3: Whoa, hold on a second.

MANAGER: Man your battle stations!

DOUG: Bring up the drawbridge!

MANAGER: Seal off the Queen’s chambers!

CUSTOMER 3: What is going on?! Hey, hey, don’t throw straws at me! HEY, don’t throw pizza! I’m out of here!

DOUG: We are victorious! …We should imprison those guards.

Fun in the Fall

Fall has a lot going against it. School starts, it’s cold but there’s no possibility of snow, my birthday isn’t in the fall, the plant life dies, the birds start to fly away, the name of the season implies a terrible accident, the list goes on and on. But there are some good aspects of the season, you just have to dig a little deeper to find them. 

Fall is the perfect season to make yourself appear smarter. It provides the opportunity for simple changes in vocabulary that can make you seem like quite the well-read intellectual. All you have to do is refer to regular old leaves as foliage, call the weather brisk instead of kinda cold, speak of mulled cider instead of Juicy Juice, and always call the season autumn as opposed to Fall. And before you know it people will be asking you grammar questions and recruiting you for trivia night. 

Due to tea, sweaters, and blankets general coziness skyrockets in autumn. The same blankets that you kicked off in a sweaty rage just a few nights ago will suddenly become sought after companions for evening TV time. And even better, all day TV time is much more socially acceptable in the cold weather of autumn. You don’t have to feel lazy for curling up with a hot tea and watching hours and hours of TV because what else are you supposed to do? Go outside and freeze to death? 

Corresponding nicely, autumn features the return of new episodes of beloved TV shows, as well as brand new shows to explore and judge! And not only will this grant you lots of fun at home, but work will be more fun too. Water cooler conversation is about to get meaningful. Instead of silence or that same old conversation about Styrofoam cups, you and your co-workers will share genuine laughter over what happened on last night’s Parks and Rec. Thus, I think it’s fair to say that autumn promotes human relationships. Oh, and people sweat much less in autumn than in summer, which is pretty good for human relationships as well.

Once you’ve exhausted everything on Hulu, apple picking is a great autumn activity. You get some fresh air, you get to buy fruit without standing in line at the grocery store behind an old person who accidentally got in the self checkout aisle and won’t figure out how to ring up their apples for at least 17 minutes. As another bonus, apple orchards are littered with soft, or rotting, apples. These are great for stomping, kicking while yelling ‘APPLESAUSE!’ and surreptitiously wiping on fellow apple pickers who look like they’re having more fun than you.

Don’t let a good leaf pile pass you by this autumn. When you see a quality pile, slam on the brakes, run out of the car, leap into the air and ruin the hard work of others with your landing, subsequent rolling around, and attempts at making leaf-angles. Your joy will be enhanced as other drivers slow down and stare at you with envy over your carefree childlike spirit. It might look like they’re staring at you with confusion or judgment, but trust me, it’s envy. Those who yell at you to get your car out of the middle of the street are especially envious.

Don’t be a sucker and build your own leaf pile to jump in. Just remember, neighbor’s leaves are for jumping in, your leaves are for collecting in the gutters and sitting in the yard until they rot and become part of the soil. Unless of course your landlord rakes your leaves. Then, by all means, get in there. 

Be warned, leaf piles sometimes contain rocks. But, leaf piles also sometimes contain money or other prizes that have fallen out of the leaf-raker’s pockets. So I’d say jump in with gusto. Consider going in headfirst so you can see the prizes more easily. Plus if your landlord rakes your leaves you can probably sue him for any resulting concussions or stitches.

After investigating the season more thoroughly, it would appear there are lots of good things about autumn. The possibility of money, homemade applesauce, TV—those are all huge pluses in my book. But, I mean, c’mon autumn, have you even heard of sledding? I’m sorry but none of this competes with sledding. 

CEO Etiquette

For the past five years, my greatest fear at Netflix has been that we wouldn't make the leap from success in DVDs to success in streaming. Most companies that are great at something – like AOL dialup or Borders bookstores – do not become great at new things people want (streaming for us).    --Excerpt, apology email from Netflix CEO Reed Hastings to all customers.

Dear Reed Hastings,

I always considered us to be on friendly terms. So imagine my surprise upon opening your most recent email.  Let me paint you a picture.

I sat down at the computer, put on my glasses and said, “Oh, an email from Reed! He’s probably writing to converse CEO to CEO—or I guess CEO to ex-CEO now. Maybe he’s writing to offer me his condolences about my beloved Borders going under. It’s a dark time for me, and I appreciate any and all support. Or maybe he has a new project he wants to bring me in on! Yes, that’s probably it, he wants to help me out while I’m down.” But that wasn’t it. You just wanted to kick me, and Borders, while we were down.  

The Halloween stores that rented our old buildings haven’t even moved in yet, and you’re already taking cheap shots. And lumping us in with AOL? Low blow. It’s not like we became uncool, we just went out of business. Plenty of companies go out of business! And we went out quietly, we didn’t drag down Time Warner or anybody else. 

And it’s not like you’re some savvy, intelligent businessman. Emailing all your customers and admitting a mistake? I must have missed Harvard Business Review’s article on that brilliant strategy. And come on, you’re renting movies. It must be sooooo hard to get people interested in the product of a billion dollar industry—a product that focuses on things like true love, explosions, and jokes. Borders was selling books. Do you know what books are about? Things like tax reform law and how to cope with depression. Try selling those, Hastings! 

Are you attacking me because it looked like I couldn’t remember your wife’s name at the Helicopter and Scotch CEO party last year? Because you know my mouth was full, I had just been hand-fed like seven or eight grapes. Her name is Barbara! And, as I’ve explained many times, earlier in the party I did say, “Good one, Babs!’ while we pelted the help with golden coins. …Sigh, I’m going to miss those parties.

You look fat in your youtube video, by the way. 

Best,

Mike Edwards

Borders Ex-CEO

Baseball

I have attended two professional baseball games within the last month. I didn’t know much about baseball before going to the games. I mean, I knew the basics like three strikes and you’re out, peanuts and cracker jacks are everywhere, and you shouldn’t run on the field no matter how fun it looks or how fast you think you are. During the games I learned loads more about baseball stuff like sacrifice bunts, balking on the pitch, and just how many security guards they have to keep people from running onto the field. But the more I learned the more questions I had. It seems baseball is a rather complicated game. 

First off, I don’t understand the economy inside a baseball stadium. Now I’m no economic expert (if I were, I’d be making way more topical jokes right now) but I do know there is something wrong with an economy where men are hired to walk about offering me salted nuts and giant foam hands, and vendors sell chicken fingers for no less than $10. I could get the cheapest meal on the menu at a fancy restaurant for $10! And are we all just pretending we don’t know how much a beer costs outside of this enclosure? Everyone is fine with what’s happening, and nobody wants to leave and go to a bar? I don’t understand this business model, and I don’t agree with it. And it kills me that I supported it. But what was I supposed to do, just sit there and not get drunk?

I didn’t get a free t-shirt out of the t-shit gun at either game. So, I hate the t-shirt gun and those who invented it. How’d they even come up with such a stupid idea anyway? “Let’s see, we have 7 free t-shirts and 30,000 fans, what’s the most reasonable and fair way to distribute these shirts? We don’t want to incite a riot, but we want to get close—for team spirit. It’s going to be a delicate balance. Hmm … how about…how about a gun? We can shoot the t-shirts, like bullets, into the crowd of children and drunken adults and let them fight it out.  Also, let’s make sure the t-shirts are all XXL so they are of no use to anyone. It’ll keep the winners hungry.”

I have a lot of questions about the Jumbotron. If I’ve been on the Jumbotron, can I tell people at cocktail parties and job interviews that I’ve been on TV? I’d argue that  more people watch the Jumbotron than most educational television shows. And the actors on those shows get to walk around like they’re something special, so why can’t I? 

Hey, Jumbotron, why isn’t the score the biggest number on the scoreboard? Apparently “The Count,” is shown as the biggest number. Is the count more important than the score? Can a team with a lower score actually win the game because of their great count? No. Unlike the rest of written language, text size has no significance in baseball. And even worse, the score isn’t listed under the letter ‘S’ because that would be too obvious, instead it’s hiding under the letter ‘R.’ Baseball really isn’t looking out for the beginner spectator.

But they’re also not really looking out for the players. Every time a player goes up to bat, his picture goes up on the Jumbotron. Seems like it’d be distracting to have a huge photo of yourself looming over the stadium while you try to hit a rock traveling at 90mph with a stick. Plus, the players’ pictures are rarely flattering. They’re the kind of poorly lit close-up headshot where you can tell the photographer gave really unclear directions about whether the player should smile or sort of just bare his teeth and look like he wants to go home. Why put up these pictures and make players self-conscious? No other professions that deal with performance under pressure do that. It would be ridiculous, “Hey surgeon, just remember, you’re no looker! Seeeee? Okay, now carefully take out this guy’s heart.”

If I were in charge of baseball, there would be no giant pictures of players, the score would be displayed clearly, and free beers would float from the sky on parachutes made of free t-shirts. It would be glorious. Especially after I hired some people who knew about baseball, just to keep that part running smoothly. But there’s bound to be an adjustment period, so just bare with us and back off a little. Thanks.

In Case of Accidental Ingestion...

Induce vomiting 

Right away and wherever you are— at work, at the mall, at the rat poison warehouse, anywhere. Don’t be embarrassed, it’s much more important to get that printer ink, perfume sample, or rat poison out of your system than it is to look cool and un-vommity in front of your coworkers, that cute boy at Panda Express, or that cute boy at the rat poison sample table.

Drink a full glass of water

And don’t go in for a second bite until you put some jam, jelly, or at least some butter on that dry, dry double-toasted English muffin.

Contact the Poison Control Center

If they put you on hold, try emailing. If they don’t respond in a few days, and you feel okay and/or alive, you’re probably fine. If you don’t feel okay and/or alive, try emailing again, but with a less spammy subject line. The PCP has a pretty strict spam filter. Try to avoid subjects like, “Big Savings of My Life are Needed” or “Save Big –I’m overweight and my life’s in danger!” or “I Need PCP.” Those go straight to spam.

Seek medical attention immediately

And not the kind of medical attention where you just passively wait for your surgeon dad to notice your good grades. You just ingested poison, you might die. You should aggressively make sure your surgeon dad sees those good grades. His sense of pride and approval will really lift your spirits in these dark times. If your dad isn’t a surgeon, just show your good grades to any old doctor, having a respected member of the community act impressed with you will really lift your spirits in these dark times. If you don’t have good grades to flaunt, beat up a doctor. Beating up someone who thinks they’re so smart will definitely lift your spirits.

Stay Calm

Feeling worried about yourself is no excuse to make everyone put up with your crying and screaming. We’ll take you to the hospital as soon as we can, but the more we have to calm you down and comfort you, the longer it’s going to take to finish this monopoly game.

I Have a Moonbounce to Fit Into

In two weeks my niece turns two. My sister has informed me there will be a moonbounce at the birthday party. A moonbounce with a weight limit of 99 pounds. My goal for the next two weeks? Drop my weight down to 99 pounds. (For concerned readers, and for my mom: I just need to lose 6 pounds, calm down.) Now, what’s the quickest, hippest way to lose weight that doesn’t involve surgery since I’m afraid of sharp things? Fad diets!

Without doing any research at all, the Atkins diet seems really fun. Especially if I’m around other people. I think I’d enjoy saying things like, “Oh, excuse me, I need to go get more bacon because I’m watching my weight.” Or “Instead of toast with my eggs, can I have a rotisserie pig? But would you mind taking the apple out of his mouth? Fruit has soooo many carbs.”

This would be the perfect diet except for the fact that protein isn’t really my main vice when it comes to loss-of-self-control-consumption. Is there an Atkins diet equivalent where instead of loading up on meat you load up on ice cream? Any, “instead of toast I would like ice cream” options out there? Because I’d excel at that diet.

The Jenny Craig Diet would be good because it would fit in well with my laziness. They deliver premade meals right to your door! But, so does Domino’s and I already have their number programed into my phone…

Weight Watchers isn’t for me. That diet involves simple math. It’s so cruel. I’m already hungry and grouchy from lack of sugar and high fructose corn syrup, and now I have to concentrate and count and add? The math is too “simple” to justify a calculator so I have to do it all in my head, and it’s hard to keep track of, and I’m so hungry, and when I check my work it doesn’t come out right, and my chest is tightening, and before I know it I’m face-deep in the emergency Doritos. So, Weight Watchers is off the table.

A raw food diet isn’t right for me either. I’m not interested in health, I'm interested in a one time burst of weight loss. Plus a raw food diet sounds risky. What if I’m at a dinner party and the host misinterprets my diet and serves me raw meat? Then I would have to choose between making the host look like an idiot in front of all his guests, or mocking him mercilessly later, behind his back. Which would be funnier? I don’t know! But I do know that’s a lot to have on my mind when I’m supposed to be enjoying a dinner party. 

I am sort of interested in doing a master cleanse. The diet requires you to live on a mixture of cayenne pepper, lemon slices, and maple syrup. So basically, it’s a diet of all condiments and fixin’s. I think I could handle that, but I’d like to choose my own condiments. And like to choose them from Cold Stone.

I’m conflicted about the Biggest Loser Diet. On the one hand, I love and trust the TV very much, but on the other hand why is the TV insulting me? Besides, they call the diet the “Biggest Loser Club,” so I’m pretty sure they won’t let me in.  I’m just a little bit way too cool. 

No matter what diet I end up choosing, I must not fail. A 99 pound weight limit? Moonbounces have a severe prejudice against adults, and I will not stand for it. So, in two weeks, when I kick off my shoes and dive through that mesh door, it will be for all the adults in the world who wish they could moonbounce. And when I land on that sleek plasticy cloud, I’m landing for the all the adults who envy children. And every time I turn down a dessert in the next two weeks, I’m turning it down for those who grew up too quickly. I diet— in the name of fun-loving, reluctant adults. Throw your support behind me, friends! And soon I’ll bounce to new heights for us all! No matter how many small children get in my way!

For those who wish to throw their support behind me both emotionally and monetarily, I am excepting donations. Please contact me at clara.a.morris@gmail.com

Dishwasherless

Dishwashers are one of the greatest inventions ever made, but I didn’t fully appreciate them until I was without one. I used to walk around like an idiot thinking stuff like penicillin or the Internet were the greatest inventions ever. Ridiculous!

Below I’ve analyzed the options the dishwasherless have to improve their lives. And, unfortunately, it’s all too easy to see why these options do not suffice.

Use Only Paper Plates:  Wasteful, too expensive, cannot support significant number of marshmallows during or after microwaving.

Let Dishes Pile Up:  Creates mold/guilt. When sink and surrounding counters are full, you spend the next week endlessly washing dishes, cursing, and vowing to never let them pile up again.

Wait For Someone Else To Do Your Dishes:  See “Let Dishes Pile Up.”

Do Dishes Right After Using Them:  See “Let Dishes Pile Up” but apply it to one day later than normal.

Eat Over The Sink:  Makes guests uncomfortable, stains shirts.

Eat Out All The Time:  Too expensive, have to put on pants before eating.

Turn Non-Disposable Dishes Into Disposable Dishes:  Makes trash bags really heavy, you’ll eventually run out of dishes.

Learn To Eat Without Silverware:  Sticky hands. If it becomes a habit, you’ll ruin all business lunches. 

Subsist Solely On Juice Boxes:  Won’t get enough protein, have to go to the bathroom way too frequently.  

Just Use Dirty Dishes:  More diseases, less self-esteem.

Fast:  Makes you pretty hungry.

For Bussers

As someone who is fragile and who tried to move to New York to be a standup comedian, I find myself rather familiar with bus travel between New York City and the safety and comfort of my parents’ home. During my time as a comedian/bus rider I learned a lot about bus travel—from the various benefits of packing light, to how to stomach the injustice of being forced to spend hours on a bus full of televisions that will not be used. I’d like to pass on some of my wisdom, in case you ever find yourself strapped for cash, far from home, and needing to get out of New York before you burst into tears because you touched a subway pole and it was a little bit wet and there’s no way to tell why.

Let’s begin with seating. The bus seating process serves as evidence that man is inherently evil. Every single person will forgo honesty and generosity in order to have a row of seats to themselves. This isn’t an airplane, there’s no assigned seating. If you’re going to get a row of seats to yourself it’s not through luck, it’s through strategy and perseverance. The row is yours to earn. So put your empty bag on the extra seat to imply it’s occupied, avoid eye contact with passengers searching for a spot, and mumble about fires, warlocks, and the government loudly enough for potential seatmates to hear to you. Whatever it takes. 

When choosing a seat for yourself remember to be cautious. Don’t just rush to a window seat because you think it will be fun. Nothing will be fun. Did you forget this is a multiple hour bus trip? Nothing will be fun. 

If you tend to get claustrophobic, you might want a window seat so you can look outside and feel less of that trapped-on-a-bus nausea. Plus, in an emergency, being next to a window would give you a quick escape exit. And emergencies seem kinda likely since I’m not sure how well they train those drivers. They certainly don’t train their drivers in manners. I’m trying to sleep. Please don’t make announcements. I’m not going to put my trash in the trash bag no matter how many times you ask. In fact, the more times you make that announcement, the more trash I’m going to leave outside the bag. 

Aisle seats have some perks as well. If you’re tall and need a little extra leg room, you can stretch into the aisle. If you’re nosy and need to see what fellow passengers are doing, you can easily peer into the surrounding seats. If you’re mean and relish in other people’s struggles, you have a front row seat to watch passengers try to keep their balance as they attempt to walk to the bathroom. And for a real good laugh you can “accidentally” trip them. However, if they grab the back of your headrest for balance, all bets are off and you can go ahead and scream. 

But no matter where you end up sitting, the whole trip will be ruined if you don’t bring a snack. Even if your trip is short, or if you ate a lot before boarding, or if you’re on a steady regiment of appetite suppressants—you’re going to need a snack. Because someone on your bus will have french fries. And there’s something about bus ventilation that will cause the savory smell of french fries to not only fill the air, but also to somehow replace all available oxygen. This has a tendency to make you somewhat hungry. So unless you want to walk to the bathroom and fall over onto the french fry owner, and then regain your balance in such a way that you end up with a handful of french fries, I’d suggest bringing a snack. 

Bus travel is never fun, rarely easy, and always too cold. Even in the summer. Who is in control of the air conditioning and why do they want me to get sick? But despite all the unpleasantries, it is possible to get through the trip without murdering anyone or having a nervous breakdown (regardless of how close you were to having a nervous breakdown before boarding the bus.) Just remember to be assertive, look out for yourself, and never ever sit near the bathroom.

Battle Adorable: Dogs vs. Babies

The tired cliché match-ups of Dogs vs. Cats, Cats vs. Mice, and Man vs. Beast are played out. It’s time for a new rivalry to take shape and capture not only our interest, but our hearts as well. I suggest, in a battle of the cutest things I have interaction with: Dogs vs. Babies.

Dogs play fetch, tug-of-war, and do tricks.  

Babies are very good at just lying there.

Point, Dogs

When you’re about to get a new dog people say things like, “um…I don’t know, you’re so… what about a fish? Or a plant?”  

When you’re about to get a new baby people throw you a party and give you gifts.

Point, Babies

Dogs can travel by airplane in a bag under your seat, or in a kennel with the checked luggage.  

Babies can only travel while shrieking.

Point, Dogs

Don’t ever eat, or even taste, dog food no matter how hungry or curious you are.

Baby food? Eat all you want! 

Point, Babies

Dogs give you a few warning dry heaves before they actually throw up. Which provides the opportunity to grab a bucket or shove a whole bunch of paper towels under their face before it happens.

Babies will throw up without warning at any time for any reason. And they will especially throw up if they are on your lap and you’re wearing your good jeans.

Point, Dogs

People can be allergic to dogs, so it can be hard to find a dogsitter.

People cannot be allergic to babies. Thus, when you need a sitter so you can go out and get wasted, your friends will have once less excuse. They’ll be left with only, “I’m sick,” or  “I have to go to a funeral that night,” or “I think you should drink less.” None of which are as strong as, “I’m allergic to what you need me to care for.”

Point, Babies

Dogs are very loyal and will always love you.

Babies will grow up to resent you. This is such a distressing concern, that before you even have babies, you have anxiety about your potential future children finding some scathing humor article you wrote about babies in general, before your children even existed. Then they’ll probably take the article personally, and use it as an excuse to go do drugs in the park instead of attending your 50^th birthday party. The big 5-0, the one you rented out the country club banquet room for.  

Point, Dogs.

That seals it. Dogs win, 4-3. Take that, babies. 

(P.S. to my potential future children: Just kidding! Love you guys! See you at the party!)