I Have a Moonbounce to Fit Into

In two weeks my niece turns two. My sister has informed me there will be a moonbounce at the birthday party. A moonbounce with a weight limit of 99 pounds. My goal for the next two weeks? Drop my weight down to 99 pounds. (For concerned readers, and for my mom: I just need to lose 6 pounds, calm down.) Now, what’s the quickest, hippest way to lose weight that doesn’t involve surgery since I’m afraid of sharp things? Fad diets!

Without doing any research at all, the Atkins diet seems really fun. Especially if I’m around other people. I think I’d enjoy saying things like, “Oh, excuse me, I need to go get more bacon because I’m watching my weight.” Or “Instead of toast with my eggs, can I have a rotisserie pig? But would you mind taking the apple out of his mouth? Fruit has soooo many carbs.”

This would be the perfect diet except for the fact that protein isn’t really my main vice when it comes to loss-of-self-control-consumption. Is there an Atkins diet equivalent where instead of loading up on meat you load up on ice cream? Any, “instead of toast I would like ice cream” options out there? Because I’d excel at that diet.

The Jenny Craig Diet would be good because it would fit in well with my laziness. They deliver premade meals right to your door! But, so does Domino’s and I already have their number programed into my phone…

Weight Watchers isn’t for me. That diet involves simple math. It’s so cruel. I’m already hungry and grouchy from lack of sugar and high fructose corn syrup, and now I have to concentrate and count and add? The math is too “simple” to justify a calculator so I have to do it all in my head, and it’s hard to keep track of, and I’m so hungry, and when I check my work it doesn’t come out right, and my chest is tightening, and before I know it I’m face-deep in the emergency Doritos. So, Weight Watchers is off the table.

A raw food diet isn’t right for me either. I’m not interested in health, I'm interested in a one time burst of weight loss. Plus a raw food diet sounds risky. What if I’m at a dinner party and the host misinterprets my diet and serves me raw meat? Then I would have to choose between making the host look like an idiot in front of all his guests, or mocking him mercilessly later, behind his back. Which would be funnier? I don’t know! But I do know that’s a lot to have on my mind when I’m supposed to be enjoying a dinner party. 

I am sort of interested in doing a master cleanse. The diet requires you to live on a mixture of cayenne pepper, lemon slices, and maple syrup. So basically, it’s a diet of all condiments and fixin’s. I think I could handle that, but I’d like to choose my own condiments. And like to choose them from Cold Stone.

I’m conflicted about the Biggest Loser Diet. On the one hand, I love and trust the TV very much, but on the other hand why is the TV insulting me? Besides, they call the diet the “Biggest Loser Club,” so I’m pretty sure they won’t let me in.  I’m just a little bit way too cool. 

No matter what diet I end up choosing, I must not fail. A 99 pound weight limit? Moonbounces have a severe prejudice against adults, and I will not stand for it. So, in two weeks, when I kick off my shoes and dive through that mesh door, it will be for all the adults in the world who wish they could moonbounce. And when I land on that sleek plasticy cloud, I’m landing for the all the adults who envy children. And every time I turn down a dessert in the next two weeks, I’m turning it down for those who grew up too quickly. I diet— in the name of fun-loving, reluctant adults. Throw your support behind me, friends! And soon I’ll bounce to new heights for us all! No matter how many small children get in my way!

For those who wish to throw their support behind me both emotionally and monetarily, I am excepting donations. Please contact me at clara.a.morris@gmail.com