The tired cliché match-ups of Dogs vs. Cats, Cats vs. Mice, and Man vs. Beast are played out. It’s time for a new rivalry to take shape and capture not only our interest, but our hearts as well. I suggest, in a battle of the cutest things I have interaction with: Dogs vs. Babies.
Dogs play fetch, tug-of-war, and do tricks.
Babies are very good at just lying there.
Point, Dogs
When you’re about to get a new dog people say things like, “um…I don’t know, you’re so… what about a fish? Or a plant?”
When you’re about to get a new baby people throw you a party and give you gifts.
Point, Babies
Dogs can travel by airplane in a bag under your seat, or in a kennel with the checked luggage.
Babies can only travel while shrieking.
Point, Dogs
Don’t ever eat, or even taste, dog food no matter how hungry or curious you are.
Baby food? Eat all you want!
Point, Babies
Dogs give you a few warning dry heaves before they actually throw up. Which provides the opportunity to grab a bucket or shove a whole bunch of paper towels under their face before it happens.
Babies will throw up without warning at any time for any reason. And they will especially throw up if they are on your lap and you’re wearing your good jeans.
Point, Dogs
People can be allergic to dogs, so it can be hard to find a dogsitter.
People cannot be allergic to babies. Thus, when you need a sitter so you can go out and get wasted, your friends will have once less excuse. They’ll be left with only, “I’m sick,” or “I have to go to a funeral that night,” or “I think you should drink less.” None of which are as strong as, “I’m allergic to what you need me to care for.”
Point, Babies
Dogs are very loyal and will always love you.
Babies will grow up to resent you. This is such a distressing concern, that before you even have babies, you have anxiety about your potential future children finding some scathing humor article you wrote about babies in general, before your children even existed. Then they’ll probably take the article personally, and use it as an excuse to go do drugs in the park instead of attending your 50th birthday party. The big 5-0, the one you rented out the country club banquet room for.
Point, Dogs.
That seals it. Dogs win, 4-3. Take that, babies.
(P.S. to my potential future children: Just kidding! Love you guys! See you at the party!)
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