Baseball

I have attended two professional baseball games within the last month. I didn’t know much about baseball before going to the games. I mean, I knew the basics like three strikes and you’re out, peanuts and cracker jacks are everywhere, and you shouldn’t run on the field no matter how fun it looks or how fast you think you are. During the games I learned loads more about baseball stuff like sacrifice bunts, balking on the pitch, and just how many security guards they have to keep people from running onto the field. But the more I learned the more questions I had. It seems baseball is a rather complicated game. 

First off, I don’t understand the economy inside a baseball stadium. Now I’m no economic expert (if I were, I’d be making way more topical jokes right now) but I do know there is something wrong with an economy where men are hired to walk about offering me salted nuts and giant foam hands, and vendors sell chicken fingers for no less than $10. I could get the cheapest meal on the menu at a fancy restaurant for $10! And are we all just pretending we don’t know how much a beer costs outside of this enclosure? Everyone is fine with what’s happening, and nobody wants to leave and go to a bar? I don’t understand this business model, and I don’t agree with it. And it kills me that I supported it. But what was I supposed to do, just sit there and not get drunk?

I didn’t get a free t-shirt out of the t-shit gun at either game. So, I hate the t-shirt gun and those who invented it. How’d they even come up with such a stupid idea anyway? “Let’s see, we have 7 free t-shirts and 30,000 fans, what’s the most reasonable and fair way to distribute these shirts? We don’t want to incite a riot, but we want to get close—for team spirit. It’s going to be a delicate balance. Hmm … how about…how about a gun? We can shoot the t-shirts, like bullets, into the crowd of children and drunken adults and let them fight it out.  Also, let’s make sure the t-shirts are all XXL so they are of no use to anyone. It’ll keep the winners hungry.”

I have a lot of questions about the Jumbotron. If I’ve been on the Jumbotron, can I tell people at cocktail parties and job interviews that I’ve been on TV? I’d argue that  more people watch the Jumbotron than most educational television shows. And the actors on those shows get to walk around like they’re something special, so why can’t I? 

Hey, Jumbotron, why isn’t the score the biggest number on the scoreboard? Apparently “The Count,” is shown as the biggest number. Is the count more important than the score? Can a team with a lower score actually win the game because of their great count? No. Unlike the rest of written language, text size has no significance in baseball. And even worse, the score isn’t listed under the letter ‘S’ because that would be too obvious, instead it’s hiding under the letter ‘R.’ Baseball really isn’t looking out for the beginner spectator.

But they’re also not really looking out for the players. Every time a player goes up to bat, his picture goes up on the Jumbotron. Seems like it’d be distracting to have a huge photo of yourself looming over the stadium while you try to hit a rock traveling at 90mph with a stick. Plus, the players’ pictures are rarely flattering. They’re the kind of poorly lit close-up headshot where you can tell the photographer gave really unclear directions about whether the player should smile or sort of just bare his teeth and look like he wants to go home. Why put up these pictures and make players self-conscious? No other professions that deal with performance under pressure do that. It would be ridiculous, “Hey surgeon, just remember, you’re no looker! Seeeee? Okay, now carefully take out this guy’s heart.”

If I were in charge of baseball, there would be no giant pictures of players, the score would be displayed clearly, and free beers would float from the sky on parachutes made of free t-shirts. It would be glorious. Especially after I hired some people who knew about baseball, just to keep that part running smoothly. But there’s bound to be an adjustment period, so just bare with us and back off a little. Thanks.