In Case of Accidental Ingestion...

Induce vomiting 

Right away and wherever you are— at work, at the mall, at the rat poison warehouse, anywhere. Don’t be embarrassed, it’s much more important to get that printer ink, perfume sample, or rat poison out of your system than it is to look cool and un-vommity in front of your coworkers, that cute boy at Panda Express, or that cute boy at the rat poison sample table.

Drink a full glass of water

And don’t go in for a second bite until you put some jam, jelly, or at least some butter on that dry, dry double-toasted English muffin.

Contact the Poison Control Center

If they put you on hold, try emailing. If they don’t respond in a few days, and you feel okay and/or alive, you’re probably fine. If you don’t feel okay and/or alive, try emailing again, but with a less spammy subject line. The PCP has a pretty strict spam filter. Try to avoid subjects like, “Big Savings of My Life are Needed” or “Save Big –I’m overweight and my life’s in danger!” or “I Need PCP.” Those go straight to spam.

Seek medical attention immediately

And not the kind of medical attention where you just passively wait for your surgeon dad to notice your good grades. You just ingested poison, you might die. You should aggressively make sure your surgeon dad sees those good grades. His sense of pride and approval will really lift your spirits in these dark times. If your dad isn’t a surgeon, just show your good grades to any old doctor, having a respected member of the community act impressed with you will really lift your spirits in these dark times. If you don’t have good grades to flaunt, beat up a doctor. Beating up someone who thinks they’re so smart will definitely lift your spirits.

Stay Calm

Feeling worried about yourself is no excuse to make everyone put up with your crying and screaming. We’ll take you to the hospital as soon as we can, but the more we have to calm you down and comfort you, the longer it’s going to take to finish this monopoly game.