For Bussers

As someone who is fragile and who tried to move to New York to be a standup comedian, I find myself rather familiar with bus travel between New York City and the safety and comfort of my parents’ home. During my time as a comedian/bus rider I learned a lot about bus travel—from the various benefits of packing light, to how to stomach the injustice of being forced to spend hours on a bus full of televisions that will not be used. I’d like to pass on some of my wisdom, in case you ever find yourself strapped for cash, far from home, and needing to get out of New York before you burst into tears because you touched a subway pole and it was a little bit wet and there’s no way to tell why.

Let’s begin with seating. The bus seating process serves as evidence that man is inherently evil. Every single person will forgo honesty and generosity in order to have a row of seats to themselves. This isn’t an airplane, there’s no assigned seating. If you’re going to get a row of seats to yourself it’s not through luck, it’s through strategy and perseverance. The row is yours to earn. So put your empty bag on the extra seat to imply it’s occupied, avoid eye contact with passengers searching for a spot, and mumble about fires, warlocks, and the government loudly enough for potential seatmates to hear to you. Whatever it takes. 

When choosing a seat for yourself remember to be cautious. Don’t just rush to a window seat because you think it will be fun. Nothing will be fun. Did you forget this is a multiple hour bus trip? Nothing will be fun. 

If you tend to get claustrophobic, you might want a window seat so you can look outside and feel less of that trapped-on-a-bus nausea. Plus, in an emergency, being next to a window would give you a quick escape exit. And emergencies seem kinda likely since I’m not sure how well they train those drivers. They certainly don’t train their drivers in manners. I’m trying to sleep. Please don’t make announcements. I’m not going to put my trash in the trash bag no matter how many times you ask. In fact, the more times you make that announcement, the more trash I’m going to leave outside the bag. 

Aisle seats have some perks as well. If you’re tall and need a little extra leg room, you can stretch into the aisle. If you’re nosy and need to see what fellow passengers are doing, you can easily peer into the surrounding seats. If you’re mean and relish in other people’s struggles, you have a front row seat to watch passengers try to keep their balance as they attempt to walk to the bathroom. And for a real good laugh you can “accidentally” trip them. However, if they grab the back of your headrest for balance, all bets are off and you can go ahead and scream. 

But no matter where you end up sitting, the whole trip will be ruined if you don’t bring a snack. Even if your trip is short, or if you ate a lot before boarding, or if you’re on a steady regiment of appetite suppressants—you’re going to need a snack. Because someone on your bus will have french fries. And there’s something about bus ventilation that will cause the savory smell of french fries to not only fill the air, but also to somehow replace all available oxygen. This has a tendency to make you somewhat hungry. So unless you want to walk to the bathroom and fall over onto the french fry owner, and then regain your balance in such a way that you end up with a handful of french fries, I’d suggest bringing a snack. 

Bus travel is never fun, rarely easy, and always too cold. Even in the summer. Who is in control of the air conditioning and why do they want me to get sick? But despite all the unpleasantries, it is possible to get through the trip without murdering anyone or having a nervous breakdown (regardless of how close you were to having a nervous breakdown before boarding the bus.) Just remember to be assertive, look out for yourself, and never ever sit near the bathroom.