False Advertising

We all fall victim to false advertising once in a while. Be it the bait n’ switch at Best Buy, the “Colossal Pizzas” that turn out to be nothing more than large pizzas, or the Craigslist sofa that is “like new” except for the mystery smell and the amount of cats that are attracted to it. But nothing stings more than back in childhood, when we’d beg our parents for a toy or snack that looked amazing in the commercial, and then turned out to be insultingly lame. The following is what I feel certain successful companies owe me, due to their misleading commercials and slogans during my childhood.

RC Cars owes me a desert-like backyard with small, natural hills and mounds ideal for racing a remote control car. The dirt should be packed loosely enough so the tires kick up a bunch of dust upon starting. And the cars should come with friends who will scream and cheer during the whole race instead of saying they’re bored, or demanding a turn. 

The Mars Candy Company owes me M&M’s that will not melt in my hand no matter how long, nor how firmly, I clutch them. While not required, it would also be cool if they didn’t melt in my pockets, in the car, or under my pillow.

The Campbell’s Soup Company owes me Ninja Turtle shaped Spaghettios that are edible. What I’m asking for is two-fold. I’m not just asking for Ninja Turtle Spaghettios to taste better (though that does need to happen. What is their sauce? Ketchup and gasoline?) But I’m also asking for the Spaghettios to actually be Ninja Turtle shaped. Those vague circles they tried to pass off as heroes in a half shell aren’t cutting it. 

General Mills owes me a cereal that is actually made out of tiny chocolate chip cookies. Come on, General Mills, do you know how hard kids have to fight to get their parents to buy Cookie Crisp cereal?! And then it doesn’t even remotely taste like cookies! Does it even have sugar in it?! Are the chocolate chips drawn on with a marker?! You make chocolate flavored cereals, you clearly have the technology to do this right! But you just refuse. How do you sleep at night, General Mills? I know it’s not with anticipation of having cookies for breakfast because that’s not a reality, thanks to you.

Milton Bradley owes me a version of Crossfire that is fun in any way. I’m not asking for the game to live up to the commercial; I know that’s impossible. But there are plenty of board games that are fun even though don’t generate lightning bolts or require players to wear sweet karate headbands. 

My greatest sense of injustice is due to Nabisco. They owe me a cookie that delivers “a party in every bite.” That was the ad slogan for limited time Chips Ahoy cookies with Sprinkles. Disgusting, but with such a strong commercial, it didn’t matter. The product was short-lived, but the impact certainly was not. I still remember that fateful day in preschool when we had those cookies at snack time (I guess childhood obesity wasn’t in full force yet). 

My dad had told me it wouldn’t work, my sister had told me it wouldn’t work, but I didn’t believe them. Like I’ve always said, trust a good commercial over family. So, I sat at the preschool snack table, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and upon exhaling I quietly said, “Ok, Clara. Here we go.” I took a bite. I opened my eyes. And I was met with the same snack table, the same classmates, the same lack of lasers, smoke machines and rock n’ roll there always was in my preschool classroom. It hadn’t worked. 

I tried to psyche myself up for the second bite, but I knew. I knew it was over. And right then and there, when I was just three years old, the magic died. 

 Alright, Offending Companies, I have presented each of you with an opportunity to right your wrongs. And I know somewhere, deep down, you must want to. You know what it’s like to dream. Cookies for breakfast—you know what it’s like to dream. Your products are all wonderful in theory, it’s just the execution that failed. Be bold, create the products the way you intended them. Bring the magic back to life. Oh, and it’d be cool if you did so I could feel less conflicted about having a career in advertising.