Exercise

Beginning a new exercise program is never easy. Remember it’s important to start slow and build your way up to more intense workouts. Which is great for those of us who want to feel good about ourselves, but also don’t want to exert any effort. For instance, it’s easy to convince yourself that walking around slowly and gently counts as exercise. It’s more than you were doing before! But if that sounds like too big of a hassle, start even smaller. I mean, you don’t want to pull a muscle or have a heart attack right off the bat. That would set you back so much! Try sitting up. That’s gotta burn more calories that just lying there, unmoving. I bet even eating ice cream can count as exercise. It can be pretty hard to scoop out sometimes. But there is a chance you can’t lie to yourself forever. Sooner or later, you’re bound to realize the pounds just aren’t melting off like you thought they would— like the extra cheese on a delicious bacon-cheddar-ranch-chicken-Frito-pie. (But, to be fair, the cheese that melts off and sticks to the plate or microwave gets eaten eventually. It doesn’t just disappear into thin air.) 

So, if you’re ready to take the next step and start some of that old fashioned “real exercise,” I’d suggest running. You don’t really need any equipment or skills. Many people like to run on treadmills in a gym. The lack of weather hazards, cars, and small children pointing and laughing can make gym-running much more pleasant than outside-running. But keep in mind, gym-running presents hazards of it’s own. And if your gym has a daycare center, there will still be children pointing and laughing. 

Treadmills aren’t the easiest thing to get accustom to. You have to set your own distance and pace before you even begin. Overly proud people set the pace too fast and end up suffering—be it through the embarrassment of ending the workout after just two wheezy minutes, or through the embarrassment of getting thrown from a treadmill that’s spinning at an actually-not-that-impressive 9 miles per hour. 

Overly cautious people don’t have it any easier. They end up setting the pace too slow and get stuck trying to decide if they should be speed walking, or doing some sort of shuffle-jog. Both make you look equally awkward, I’d recommend just picking one and sticking with it. Don’t switch between the two, you’ll risk falling, and you won’t be thrown clear like the 9 mph guy.

Aside from gym-running, outside-running is very popular. You’re sure to feel accomplished as you realize you’re propelling your body forward, actually traveling, through your own physical power. Be cautions, this newfound ability, while powerful, isn’t a super power. You still cannot run through walls or stop cars with your mind. Do not try either.

Never outside-run at night. It’s like saying, ‘Hey criminals, I’m clearly tired and weak right now, so you could easily overpower me. Well, that is, as long as you can run faster than this slow jog I’m struggling to maintain.”

Organizing a group run with friends can be more fun than running alone. Maybe you guys will have a conversation to take your mind off the exercise. Or maybe you’ll decide as a group not to go running because it’s unpleasant, and instead just go to that bar over there, and oh my god it has free popcorn!  

If you guys do end up running, having friends present will add an element of accountability. You don’t want to look like a wimp, so instinctually you’ll try harder. Unless of course you look stupid when trying – you know, sweating, panting, falling, crying, dialing 911 because you think you’re having an exercise-induced stroke after just .3 miles. In that case having friends around will tend to make you try less hard. And before you know it you’re not exercising at all, but rather just sitting on the curb, throwing small pebbles at those who are running. 

But I’d argue that throwing pebbles is a form of exercise in itself. You’re moving your arm way more than normal, and throwing is a part of sports. So congratulate yourself on a tough workout, you sportsman. Looks like someone’s earned a protein shake with a few extra cookie crumbles!