In Case of Accidental Ingestion...

Induce vomiting 

Right away and wherever you are— at work, at the mall, at the rat poison warehouse, anywhere. Don’t be embarrassed, it’s much more important to get that printer ink, perfume sample, or rat poison out of your system than it is to look cool and un-vommity in front of your coworkers, that cute boy at Panda Express, or that cute boy at the rat poison sample table.

Drink a full glass of water

And don’t go in for a second bite until you put some jam, jelly, or at least some butter on that dry, dry double-toasted English muffin.

Contact the Poison Control Center

If they put you on hold, try emailing. If they don’t respond in a few days, and you feel okay and/or alive, you’re probably fine. If you don’t feel okay and/or alive, try emailing again, but with a less spammy subject line. The PCP has a pretty strict spam filter. Try to avoid subjects like, “Big Savings of My Life are Needed” or “Save Big –I’m overweight and my life’s in danger!” or “I Need PCP.” Those go straight to spam.

Seek medical attention immediately

And not the kind of medical attention where you just passively wait for your surgeon dad to notice your good grades. You just ingested poison, you might die. You should aggressively make sure your surgeon dad sees those good grades. His sense of pride and approval will really lift your spirits in these dark times. If your dad isn’t a surgeon, just show your good grades to any old doctor, having a respected member of the community act impressed with you will really lift your spirits in these dark times. If you don’t have good grades to flaunt, beat up a doctor. Beating up someone who thinks they’re so smart will definitely lift your spirits.

Stay Calm

Feeling worried about yourself is no excuse to make everyone put up with your crying and screaming. We’ll take you to the hospital as soon as we can, but the more we have to calm you down and comfort you, the longer it’s going to take to finish this monopoly game.

I Have a Moonbounce to Fit Into

In two weeks my niece turns two. My sister has informed me there will be a moonbounce at the birthday party. A moonbounce with a weight limit of 99 pounds. My goal for the next two weeks? Drop my weight down to 99 pounds. (For concerned readers, and for my mom: I just need to lose 6 pounds, calm down.) Now, what’s the quickest, hippest way to lose weight that doesn’t involve surgery since I’m afraid of sharp things? Fad diets!

Without doing any research at all, the Atkins diet seems really fun. Especially if I’m around other people. I think I’d enjoy saying things like, “Oh, excuse me, I need to go get more bacon because I’m watching my weight.” Or “Instead of toast with my eggs, can I have a rotisserie pig? But would you mind taking the apple out of his mouth? Fruit has soooo many carbs.”

This would be the perfect diet except for the fact that protein isn’t really my main vice when it comes to loss-of-self-control-consumption. Is there an Atkins diet equivalent where instead of loading up on meat you load up on ice cream? Any, “instead of toast I would like ice cream” options out there? Because I’d excel at that diet.

The Jenny Craig Diet would be good because it would fit in well with my laziness. They deliver premade meals right to your door! But, so does Domino’s and I already have their number programed into my phone…

Weight Watchers isn’t for me. That diet involves simple math. It’s so cruel. I’m already hungry and grouchy from lack of sugar and high fructose corn syrup, and now I have to concentrate and count and add? The math is too “simple” to justify a calculator so I have to do it all in my head, and it’s hard to keep track of, and I’m so hungry, and when I check my work it doesn’t come out right, and my chest is tightening, and before I know it I’m face-deep in the emergency Doritos. So, Weight Watchers is off the table.

A raw food diet isn’t right for me either. I’m not interested in health, I'm interested in a one time burst of weight loss. Plus a raw food diet sounds risky. What if I’m at a dinner party and the host misinterprets my diet and serves me raw meat? Then I would have to choose between making the host look like an idiot in front of all his guests, or mocking him mercilessly later, behind his back. Which would be funnier? I don’t know! But I do know that’s a lot to have on my mind when I’m supposed to be enjoying a dinner party. 

I am sort of interested in doing a master cleanse. The diet requires you to live on a mixture of cayenne pepper, lemon slices, and maple syrup. So basically, it’s a diet of all condiments and fixin’s. I think I could handle that, but I’d like to choose my own condiments. And like to choose them from Cold Stone.

I’m conflicted about the Biggest Loser Diet. On the one hand, I love and trust the TV very much, but on the other hand why is the TV insulting me? Besides, they call the diet the “Biggest Loser Club,” so I’m pretty sure they won’t let me in.  I’m just a little bit way too cool. 

No matter what diet I end up choosing, I must not fail. A 99 pound weight limit? Moonbounces have a severe prejudice against adults, and I will not stand for it. So, in two weeks, when I kick off my shoes and dive through that mesh door, it will be for all the adults in the world who wish they could moonbounce. And when I land on that sleek plasticy cloud, I’m landing for the all the adults who envy children. And every time I turn down a dessert in the next two weeks, I’m turning it down for those who grew up too quickly. I diet— in the name of fun-loving, reluctant adults. Throw your support behind me, friends! And soon I’ll bounce to new heights for us all! No matter how many small children get in my way!

For those who wish to throw their support behind me both emotionally and monetarily, I am excepting donations. Please contact me at clara.a.morris@gmail.com

Dishwasherless

Dishwashers are one of the greatest inventions ever made, but I didn’t fully appreciate them until I was without one. I used to walk around like an idiot thinking stuff like penicillin or the Internet were the greatest inventions ever. Ridiculous!

Below I’ve analyzed the options the dishwasherless have to improve their lives. And, unfortunately, it’s all too easy to see why these options do not suffice.

Use Only Paper Plates:  Wasteful, too expensive, cannot support significant number of marshmallows during or after microwaving.

Let Dishes Pile Up:  Creates mold/guilt. When sink and surrounding counters are full, you spend the next week endlessly washing dishes, cursing, and vowing to never let them pile up again.

Wait For Someone Else To Do Your Dishes:  See “Let Dishes Pile Up.”

Do Dishes Right After Using Them:  See “Let Dishes Pile Up” but apply it to one day later than normal.

Eat Over The Sink:  Makes guests uncomfortable, stains shirts.

Eat Out All The Time:  Too expensive, have to put on pants before eating.

Turn Non-Disposable Dishes Into Disposable Dishes:  Makes trash bags really heavy, you’ll eventually run out of dishes.

Learn To Eat Without Silverware:  Sticky hands. If it becomes a habit, you’ll ruin all business lunches. 

Subsist Solely On Juice Boxes:  Won’t get enough protein, have to go to the bathroom way too frequently.  

Just Use Dirty Dishes:  More diseases, less self-esteem.

Fast:  Makes you pretty hungry.

For Bussers

As someone who is fragile and who tried to move to New York to be a standup comedian, I find myself rather familiar with bus travel between New York City and the safety and comfort of my parents’ home. During my time as a comedian/bus rider I learned a lot about bus travel—from the various benefits of packing light, to how to stomach the injustice of being forced to spend hours on a bus full of televisions that will not be used. I’d like to pass on some of my wisdom, in case you ever find yourself strapped for cash, far from home, and needing to get out of New York before you burst into tears because you touched a subway pole and it was a little bit wet and there’s no way to tell why.

Let’s begin with seating. The bus seating process serves as evidence that man is inherently evil. Every single person will forgo honesty and generosity in order to have a row of seats to themselves. This isn’t an airplane, there’s no assigned seating. If you’re going to get a row of seats to yourself it’s not through luck, it’s through strategy and perseverance. The row is yours to earn. So put your empty bag on the extra seat to imply it’s occupied, avoid eye contact with passengers searching for a spot, and mumble about fires, warlocks, and the government loudly enough for potential seatmates to hear to you. Whatever it takes. 

When choosing a seat for yourself remember to be cautious. Don’t just rush to a window seat because you think it will be fun. Nothing will be fun. Did you forget this is a multiple hour bus trip? Nothing will be fun. 

If you tend to get claustrophobic, you might want a window seat so you can look outside and feel less of that trapped-on-a-bus nausea. Plus, in an emergency, being next to a window would give you a quick escape exit. And emergencies seem kinda likely since I’m not sure how well they train those drivers. They certainly don’t train their drivers in manners. I’m trying to sleep. Please don’t make announcements. I’m not going to put my trash in the trash bag no matter how many times you ask. In fact, the more times you make that announcement, the more trash I’m going to leave outside the bag. 

Aisle seats have some perks as well. If you’re tall and need a little extra leg room, you can stretch into the aisle. If you’re nosy and need to see what fellow passengers are doing, you can easily peer into the surrounding seats. If you’re mean and relish in other people’s struggles, you have a front row seat to watch passengers try to keep their balance as they attempt to walk to the bathroom. And for a real good laugh you can “accidentally” trip them. However, if they grab the back of your headrest for balance, all bets are off and you can go ahead and scream. 

But no matter where you end up sitting, the whole trip will be ruined if you don’t bring a snack. Even if your trip is short, or if you ate a lot before boarding, or if you’re on a steady regiment of appetite suppressants—you’re going to need a snack. Because someone on your bus will have french fries. And there’s something about bus ventilation that will cause the savory smell of french fries to not only fill the air, but also to somehow replace all available oxygen. This has a tendency to make you somewhat hungry. So unless you want to walk to the bathroom and fall over onto the french fry owner, and then regain your balance in such a way that you end up with a handful of french fries, I’d suggest bringing a snack. 

Bus travel is never fun, rarely easy, and always too cold. Even in the summer. Who is in control of the air conditioning and why do they want me to get sick? But despite all the unpleasantries, it is possible to get through the trip without murdering anyone or having a nervous breakdown (regardless of how close you were to having a nervous breakdown before boarding the bus.) Just remember to be assertive, look out for yourself, and never ever sit near the bathroom.

Battle Adorable: Dogs vs. Babies

The tired cliché match-ups of Dogs vs. Cats, Cats vs. Mice, and Man vs. Beast are played out. It’s time for a new rivalry to take shape and capture not only our interest, but our hearts as well. I suggest, in a battle of the cutest things I have interaction with: Dogs vs. Babies.

Dogs play fetch, tug-of-war, and do tricks.  

Babies are very good at just lying there.

Point, Dogs

When you’re about to get a new dog people say things like, “um…I don’t know, you’re so… what about a fish? Or a plant?”  

When you’re about to get a new baby people throw you a party and give you gifts.

Point, Babies

Dogs can travel by airplane in a bag under your seat, or in a kennel with the checked luggage.  

Babies can only travel while shrieking.

Point, Dogs

Don’t ever eat, or even taste, dog food no matter how hungry or curious you are.

Baby food? Eat all you want! 

Point, Babies

Dogs give you a few warning dry heaves before they actually throw up. Which provides the opportunity to grab a bucket or shove a whole bunch of paper towels under their face before it happens.

Babies will throw up without warning at any time for any reason. And they will especially throw up if they are on your lap and you’re wearing your good jeans.

Point, Dogs

People can be allergic to dogs, so it can be hard to find a dogsitter.

People cannot be allergic to babies. Thus, when you need a sitter so you can go out and get wasted, your friends will have once less excuse. They’ll be left with only, “I’m sick,” or  “I have to go to a funeral that night,” or “I think you should drink less.” None of which are as strong as, “I’m allergic to what you need me to care for.”

Point, Babies

Dogs are very loyal and will always love you.

Babies will grow up to resent you. This is such a distressing concern, that before you even have babies, you have anxiety about your potential future children finding some scathing humor article you wrote about babies in general, before your children even existed. Then they’ll probably take the article personally, and use it as an excuse to go do drugs in the park instead of attending your 50^th birthday party. The big 5-0, the one you rented out the country club banquet room for.  

Point, Dogs.

That seals it. Dogs win, 4-3. Take that, babies. 

(P.S. to my potential future children: Just kidding! Love you guys! See you at the party!)

Exercise

Beginning a new exercise program is never easy. Remember it’s important to start slow and build your way up to more intense workouts. Which is great for those of us who want to feel good about ourselves, but also don’t want to exert any effort. For instance, it’s easy to convince yourself that walking around slowly and gently counts as exercise. It’s more than you were doing before! But if that sounds like too big of a hassle, start even smaller. I mean, you don’t want to pull a muscle or have a heart attack right off the bat. That would set you back so much! Try sitting up. That’s gotta burn more calories that just lying there, unmoving. I bet even eating ice cream can count as exercise. It can be pretty hard to scoop out sometimes. But there is a chance you can’t lie to yourself forever. Sooner or later, you’re bound to realize the pounds just aren’t melting off like you thought they would— like the extra cheese on a delicious bacon-cheddar-ranch-chicken-Frito-pie. (But, to be fair, the cheese that melts off and sticks to the plate or microwave gets eaten eventually. It doesn’t just disappear into thin air.) 

So, if you’re ready to take the next step and start some of that old fashioned “real exercise,” I’d suggest running. You don’t really need any equipment or skills. Many people like to run on treadmills in a gym. The lack of weather hazards, cars, and small children pointing and laughing can make gym-running much more pleasant than outside-running. But keep in mind, gym-running presents hazards of it’s own. And if your gym has a daycare center, there will still be children pointing and laughing. 

Treadmills aren’t the easiest thing to get accustom to. You have to set your own distance and pace before you even begin. Overly proud people set the pace too fast and end up suffering—be it through the embarrassment of ending the workout after just two wheezy minutes, or through the embarrassment of getting thrown from a treadmill that’s spinning at an actually-not-that-impressive 9 miles per hour. 

Overly cautious people don’t have it any easier. They end up setting the pace too slow and get stuck trying to decide if they should be speed walking, or doing some sort of shuffle-jog. Both make you look equally awkward, I’d recommend just picking one and sticking with it. Don’t switch between the two, you’ll risk falling, and you won’t be thrown clear like the 9 mph guy.

Aside from gym-running, outside-running is very popular. You’re sure to feel accomplished as you realize you’re propelling your body forward, actually traveling, through your own physical power. Be cautions, this newfound ability, while powerful, isn’t a super power. You still cannot run through walls or stop cars with your mind. Do not try either.

Never outside-run at night. It’s like saying, ‘Hey criminals, I’m clearly tired and weak right now, so you could easily overpower me. Well, that is, as long as you can run faster than this slow jog I’m struggling to maintain.”

Organizing a group run with friends can be more fun than running alone. Maybe you guys will have a conversation to take your mind off the exercise. Or maybe you’ll decide as a group not to go running because it’s unpleasant, and instead just go to that bar over there, and oh my god it has free popcorn!  

If you guys do end up running, having friends present will add an element of accountability. You don’t want to look like a wimp, so instinctually you’ll try harder. Unless of course you look stupid when trying – you know, sweating, panting, falling, crying, dialing 911 because you think you’re having an exercise-induced stroke after just .3 miles. In that case having friends around will tend to make you try less hard. And before you know it you’re not exercising at all, but rather just sitting on the curb, throwing small pebbles at those who are running. 

But I’d argue that throwing pebbles is a form of exercise in itself. You’re moving your arm way more than normal, and throwing is a part of sports. So congratulate yourself on a tough workout, you sportsman. Looks like someone’s earned a protein shake with a few extra cookie crumbles!

Reasons to Look Both Ways When Crossing the Street

1. Avoid jaywalking ticket

2. Avoid injury

3. Avoid death 

4. Avoid being on some hidden camera reality show where a car comes out of nowhere, hits you, and then all of America watches while you struggle to learn to walk again.

Applying for a Loan

Bad credit due to past mistakes can really hinder your ability to get a loan. But for some reason, writing a letter of explanation can help. Below is a template of such a letter, which you are welcome to use free of charge.

To Whom it May Concern:

I am writing this letter to explain the late payments on my (mortgage), (numerous credit cards), (as-seen-on-TV, 3-in-one home gym/massage chair/portable DVD player) that occurred in the year (enter year).

I am very distressed that this has happened, but I was (laid off), (seriously injured by less legitimate creditors ), (bored and the TV was on the Home Shopping Network and the remote was out of batteries). These circumstances drained my (carefully put aside), (waning), (already nonexistent) savings and I was forced to miss (a), (multiple), (all) payments. A (financial advisor), (parent), (ABC Family Special), told me it might be good to (tap into my 401K), (get a job), (win the lottery), and I was able to recover from this crisis and begin (making on-time payments), (buying food again), ( showing people handfuls of cash in an attempt to make new, more wealthy, friends).

I have always prided myself in (paying on time), (my looks), (how loudly I can scream), and I have taken steps to put more money in my (savings account), (shoe box), (new cult) to guard against other (unforeseen), (foreseen), (inevitable) occurrences like this.

Sincerely,

(Your Signature), (A happy drawing of you with your loan money), (An angry drawing of what will happen to the bank employee if he doesn’t give you a loan).

False Advertising

We all fall victim to false advertising once in a while. Be it the bait n’ switch at Best Buy, the “Colossal Pizzas” that turn out to be nothing more than large pizzas, or the Craigslist sofa that is “like new” except for the mystery smell and the amount of cats that are attracted to it. But nothing stings more than back in childhood, when we’d beg our parents for a toy or snack that looked amazing in the commercial, and then turned out to be insultingly lame. The following is what I feel certain successful companies owe me, due to their misleading commercials and slogans during my childhood.

RC Cars owes me a desert-like backyard with small, natural hills and mounds ideal for racing a remote control car. The dirt should be packed loosely enough so the tires kick up a bunch of dust upon starting. And the cars should come with friends who will scream and cheer during the whole race instead of saying they’re bored, or demanding a turn. 

The Mars Candy Company owes me M&M’s that will not melt in my hand no matter how long, nor how firmly, I clutch them. While not required, it would also be cool if they didn’t melt in my pockets, in the car, or under my pillow.

The Campbell’s Soup Company owes me Ninja Turtle shaped Spaghettios that are edible. What I’m asking for is two-fold. I’m not just asking for Ninja Turtle Spaghettios to taste better (though that does need to happen. What is their sauce? Ketchup and gasoline?) But I’m also asking for the Spaghettios to actually be Ninja Turtle shaped. Those vague circles they tried to pass off as heroes in a half shell aren’t cutting it. 

General Mills owes me a cereal that is actually made out of tiny chocolate chip cookies. Come on, General Mills, do you know how hard kids have to fight to get their parents to buy Cookie Crisp cereal?! And then it doesn’t even remotely taste like cookies! Does it even have sugar in it?! Are the chocolate chips drawn on with a marker?! You make chocolate flavored cereals, you clearly have the technology to do this right! But you just refuse. How do you sleep at night, General Mills? I know it’s not with anticipation of having cookies for breakfast because that’s not a reality, thanks to you.

Milton Bradley owes me a version of Crossfire that is fun in any way. I’m not asking for the game to live up to the commercial; I know that’s impossible. But there are plenty of board games that are fun even though don’t generate lightning bolts or require players to wear sweet karate headbands. 

My greatest sense of injustice is due to Nabisco. They owe me a cookie that delivers “a party in every bite.” That was the ad slogan for limited time Chips Ahoy cookies with Sprinkles. Disgusting, but with such a strong commercial, it didn’t matter. The product was short-lived, but the impact certainly was not. I still remember that fateful day in preschool when we had those cookies at snack time (I guess childhood obesity wasn’t in full force yet). 

My dad had told me it wouldn’t work, my sister had told me it wouldn’t work, but I didn’t believe them. Like I’ve always said, trust a good commercial over family. So, I sat at the preschool snack table, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and upon exhaling I quietly said, “Ok, Clara. Here we go.” I took a bite. I opened my eyes. And I was met with the same snack table, the same classmates, the same lack of lasers, smoke machines and rock n’ roll there always was in my preschool classroom. It hadn’t worked. 

I tried to psyche myself up for the second bite, but I knew. I knew it was over. And right then and there, when I was just three years old, the magic died. 

 Alright, Offending Companies, I have presented each of you with an opportunity to right your wrongs. And I know somewhere, deep down, you must want to. You know what it’s like to dream. Cookies for breakfast—you know what it’s like to dream. Your products are all wonderful in theory, it’s just the execution that failed. Be bold, create the products the way you intended them. Bring the magic back to life. Oh, and it’d be cool if you did so I could feel less conflicted about having a career in advertising.