. . .With a Shot of Publicity

This past Tuesday, Starbucks closed stores nationwide for three hours in the early evening. Was it a marketing campaign? Some cruel scientific experiment to see just how addictive caffeine really is? Were they teaching a lesson to all those corporation-haters who badmouthed Starbucks' stranglehold on the market? No, Starbucks stores closed for three hours so that baristas would have time to be retrained. Oh, wait, I mean, yes it was a marketing campaign.

The Starbucks' closing was covered by most major media outlets, including The Washington Post, The New York Times, CBS and Fox. Even The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, though mockingly, gave airtime to the closings. How embarrassing for Starbucks! Now everybody knows there must have been some problem with their baristas! Lucky for them, they managed to fix it, but how horrible that the process was so public! I wish for Starbucks' sake there was some way they could have avoided all that press. It's too bad they couldn't have found a time other than business hours to train their workers, or maybe have found a way to avoid having every store in the nation closed at the exact same time. Oh well, I'm sure glad it's over now … and you know what, I'll bet Starbucks coffee will be better than ever. I can't wait to try it! Taking such an elaborate approach really shows how much Starbucks cared to fix their problems. And that's all it shows.

Some may say I'm being a bit hard on Starbucks, but, for the majority of my life, I've been fairly skeptical of coffee itself, let alone coffee shops. I believe it all stems back to my severe fear of growing up, getting a job, paying bills and becoming responsible for my actions. I've found it's quite easy to take my fears out on coffee.

Adults drink coffee; kids don't. Kids can't handle the bitter taste, and caffeine stunts growth. But adults can't get enough of it. Why? I don't know for sure, but I've got some theories. For one, most adults don't have to worry about stunted growth. And maybe the incredibly bitter cigarette-butt taste of coffee is just an acquired taste that comes with age. Does that mean that growing up is so awful it causes one to start favoring bitter over sweet? I cannot do that. Sweet is my favorite flavor! It is the flavor of all things good: nectar, honey, Kit-Kats. I don't want to live without that joy!

According to the National Coffee Association 82 percent of American adults drink coffee every day. You're right to immediately doubt this statistic because, of course, a fake association has to make itself look popular. But it's true. The National Coffee Association exists. And they take statistics.

I find this statistic incredibly ominous. No, not for health reasons or consumer concerns. You see, the only time I drink coffee is during exam week. A week when I'm trying to replace sleeping with reading unopened textbooks. A week when I'm so strapped for time, I think taking a shower can count as taking a break. A week when I can't fully open my eyes, be it because of sleep deprivation or a side effect of seven hours under the library's fluorescent lighting. Only during this week do I find the need to turn to coffee with hopes that it might have even the slightest energizing effect on my desperate physical condition. And that's the same drink 82 percent of adults turn to every morning.

While I do condemn Starbucks' publicity stunt as well as coffee and adulthood in general, I find I must now apologize. There are aspects of Starbucks that should be celebrated. Starbucks has done me a favor and made coffee as childish as they possibly can.

Take, for example, their drink the "mocha." For those who don't know, that drink is essentially a little bit of coffee watered down with hot chocolate. Oh yeah, with whipped cream on top. And they have other dessert-disguised coffee drinks. Consider their caramel macchiatto. That one's actually made of candy - says so right in the name.

So maybe growing up, having a job and being exhausted all the time won't be so bad simply because every morning I can wake up and drink coffee that tastes like a milkshake … maybe.