Questions of Etiquette

This week, while procrastinating, I opened my e-mail only to find another installment of the University of Maryland Arts and Humanities newsletter. The e-mail contained information about an event on future student success hosted by the Alumni Association. What is the event? An "etiquette dinner."

Curiously, I delved into the e-mail to see how etiquette affects college students of today.

My ignorance and apparent need for etiquette training were made clear right from the start. The Alumni Association opens the e-mail with the question, "What side is your bread plate on?" While I have had much experience with bread, I've never even heard of a bread plate. I have, however, heard of a cereal bowl, which is pretty close; it's grain in a dish. But I couldn't tell you which side of what a cereal bowl sits.

The e-mail does not take a cliff-hanger approach and answers the question immediately. "The bread plate goes on your left." It even offers an emergency procedure: "Should the person on your left use your bread plate, use your dinner plate for bread." However, I find this answer just creates more questions. If I sacrifice my dinner plate for bread, do I not get any dinner? The event costs $10; I refuse to just eat bread. And what the hell is the guy on my left's problem? He's the one who wanted extra bread; he should give me his dinner plate, granting me two dinners as recompense.

This problem-solving course of action seems natural to me, but is it proper etiquette? I just don't know. Good thing there's a training dinner that will answer all my questions. How valuable!

What other skills can this dinner teach me? The e-mail promises "etiquette tips that range from which fork to use for salad to proper dinner conversation." This is less intriguing than the bread plate conundrum. I already know which fork to use for salad: the one that's not a spoon. And even if I didn't know that, I could figure it out after a few attempts to spear some lettuce with the rounded edge of my spoon.

And don't get me started on proper dinner conversation. That's too easy. I mean, I already have the conversation all planned out. I'm just going to turn to my left and yell, "Get off my goddamn bread plate!" and I'll be good to go.

Now I'm under the impression that the Alumni Association is in existence to help me get a good job in the future. That may not be the case, but nobody has corrected me yet. Be it through networking, contacts, training programs or cash donations, there are many avenues the association can take to help me and other graduates. I'm just not sure being good at eating counts as one.

E-mail, prove me wrong. Apparently, "the Alumni Association Etiquette Dinner provides [me] with the opportunity to learn important social skills that will give [me] the edge [I] need to succeed." Isn't my face red, I always thought I had been developing social skills through a lifetime of realistic social interactions. I'm glad the Alumni Association is there to right my wrongs, while preparing me for success. I love success!

Since I was all pumped on the value of the Alumni Association, I hit up their website to see what other events I could attend. I found that, in addition to the upcoming etiquette dinner, the association hosts a fair amount of tailgate parties. Now, something here seems incongruous. These are radically different social events. One promotes politeness, the other rowdiness. But they're both sponsored and organized by our Alumni Association whose main goal is to serve as a networking community for students. So, I'm confused. Which is it, Alumni Association? What is going to get me more employment contacts, shotgunning beers in parking lots or setting tables appropriately?

Truth is, both types of social gatherings teach valuable skills for advancing in today's job market. Just be aware of your surroundings in order to use the different skills acquired at each event appropriately. For example, when your boss invites you over for dinner to meet his family, it would be inappropriate to start drinking at 10 a.m. It would, however, be appropriate to demand a separate plate for all carbohydrates. After receiving dirty looks from your boss and his family, feel free to cite the pretentious yet patronizing etiquette dinner you attended as an undergraduate here at the university. It's sure to make an impression.