Superhero: a short play

A young woman is walking down the street. A robber runs up to her and grabs her purse. The two struggle.

WOMAN: HELP! HELP! IS THERE ANYONE NEARBY WHO CAN HELP ME!

Our hero looks over and sees what’s happening. He twitches his nose and sniffs.

RATMAN: I smell trouble! This looks like a job for…Ratman!

With a series of little rapid steps he runs over to the robber and woman. He proceeds to beat up the robber, bites him, and takes the woman’s purse back.

WOMAN: You saved me! Thank you so much, how can I ever repay you, Rat – wait what did you say your name was?

RATMAN: Rrrratman!

WOMAN: Are you…are you committed to that name?

RATMAN: Yeah, of course! There’s nothing wrong with my name, it’s fitting.

WOMAN: Ew.

RATMAN: No, no, not because I carry diseases or anything like that. I only have the positive rat characteristics. I’m really really fast, and I have a great sense of smell. And sharp teeth!

WOMAN: Please don’t stand near me.

Scene 2:

Ratman enters the mayor’s office.

RATMAN: Hello Mayor.

MAYOR: Thank you for meeting me here, Ratman.

RATMAN: It’s alright, but I don’t know why we can’t ever meet at my place.

MAYOR: The Rat Cave..?

RATMAN: Yeah, I don’t know why you always refuse, it’s much more convenient. Do you know what it’s like to come up town at this time of day? I was in traffic for 45 minutes.

MAYOR: Listen, Ratman, we’ve got an emergency on our hands.

RATMAN: Alright, what’s going on?

Ratman starts to sit down.

MAYOR: Ooo, could you not sit there! It’s just that the upholstery’s really hard to clean. I mean, we just ended up throwing out the last chair you sat in.

RATMAN: Oh come on, do we have to go through this again? You don’t have to clean everything I touch; I only have the positive rat characteristics.

MAYOR: Uhhh, yeah, I know, just, well…better safe than sorry. Now, Ratman, The Exterminator has called in another threat to the city! He plans to pump the city’s drinking water full of cyanide.

RATMAN: (Gasps) Not The Exterminator again! From my very core emanates a deep pulsing hatred for that evil man.

MAYOR: Ooo, could you be careful where you step. We’ve laid out some newspapers, if you could try to just walk on those.

RATMAN: (Sighs) you know this is unnecessary.

MAYOR: I know, I know, but the cleaning staff doesn’t come in until Monday, and it costs extra to shampoo the carpets, you know how it is. Now, get out there and stop The Exterminator!

RATMAN: I’m on it!

Scene 3:

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, in the sewers below the city streets…

The Exterminator stands in the sewer. He has a large vat connected to a pump beside him.

EXTRMINATOR: I’ve got enough cyanide in this pump to kill half the city’s population! That’ll teach the other half to respect and fear me like they should!

Ratman drops into the sewer, The Exterminator doesn’t notice him.

EXTRMINATOR: I’ve got the hose hooked up to the main water line, and all I have left to do is flip the switch!

RATMAN: I don’t think you’ll be getting to that step, Exterminator.

EXTRMINATOR: Rrratman! I’d stay back if I were you. Beside me lies 3 tons of cyanide, or as you may know it, good old fashion rat poison.

RATMAN: Well, first of all, I only have the positive rat characteristics, so I’m just as susceptible to cyanide as you or anyone else. And since I don’t plan on eating any of your cyanide, it’s not a real threat to me…

EXTRMINATOR: Even if I placed it in this hunk of cheese!

RATMAN: Do rats even like cheese? You’re thinking of mice. Rats eat anything, especially garbage.

EXTRMINATOR: Ah ha! You sure know an awful lot about the disgusting eating habits of rats for someone who claims to only have the “positive” rat characterizes!

Exterminator throws the cheese at him and runs away.

Ratman drops to all fours and scurries after him. Exterminator manages to escape off stage.

RATMAN: Hmm, where did he go…

Ratman starts to sniff around in order to find him. He closes his eyes and lets his sniffing guide him.

The exterminator sneaks back on stage and approaches his vat and pump hook-up.

EXTRMINATOR: I’m afraid your characteristics have failed you, and the city, now!

He flips the switch and attempts to run away. Ratman scurries up to him and knocks him out with on punch, and then bites him. Hard. Ratman then struggles to pull the hose off the water pipe and tries to flip the switch back, but fails.

RATMAN: All locked! That blasted Exterminator! Well, there’s only one thing left to do. Good thing I have the positive rat characteristics!

He gets down on all fours and starts to gnaw away at the hose.

Scene 4:

Ratman emerges from the sewer onto the city streets. He is a bit dazed. A little girl and her mother stand near the manhole. The little girl has a fountain soda cup.

RATMAN: (breathing heavily) You’re safe now, drink up little girl.

He moves to put a hand on her shoulder. She screams.

MOTHER: Ugh, get away from us. Did you just crawl out of the sewer?

RATMAN: No, no, I’m Ratman!

MOTHER: Ew!

RATMAN: I just saved the whole city from the evil Exterminator!

MOTHER: Did you kill an exterminator down there? What is wrong with you?

RATMAN: Would you mind calling an ambulance…I’ve consumed a fair amount of poison.