Shopping Solutions

Holiday shopping puts quite a strain on the average college student. Finals are coming up; we don't have time to shop. Many of us don't have cars, making a trip to the mall a rather complicated journey. And, most difficult of all, many of us have been spending all our money on pizza and beer since the semester started. Yet parents, siblings and sometimes even extended family members expect gifts in return for their gifts. Talk about unfair.

Well, I'm here today to give you some advice and help keep you from breaking the bank this holiday season.

The first money-saving option that comes to mind is, of course, stealing. A great method to avoid spending while having some fun! Though this is certainly a thrifty, more creative way to "shop," there are some pitfalls. Each stealing technique has its drawbacks. Credit card fraud is fairly time-consuming, shoplifting limits you to only small, pocket-sized items, and old-fashioned holdups have a tendency to get a bit messy. And besides, if you get something too nice or expensive, your family is going to know you stole it.

If theft isn't your thing, don't worry. There are other ways to keep your wallet closed this holiday season. Take a lesson from your elementary school days and make your gifts this year. A drawing or a poem riddled with misspellings brought tears to your parents' eyes when you were 9 years old. Who's to say the effect will be different a decade later? The nostalgic value alone should have parents reaching for the tissues.

Arts and crafts activities offer more material options as well. Making jewelry or knitting scarves are definitely less expensive than buying either product. Origami looks impressive, and there are free instructions online. A cheap picture frame can be decorated to look much fancier. (Plus, giving a picture frame practically guarantees one more picture of yourself going up in your parents' house. Take that, older/younger sibling!)

Now, I know what you're thinking: "These are great money-saving ideas, but they take (some) time, (some) effort and (some) artistic talent. Not to mention, art supplies cost (some) money, so what's the point?"

You are wise to ask, but fear not my lazy, poor, artistically challenged friends: I have solutions. You can still make gifts for your loved ones; just consider making gifts poorly.

Glue some Easy Mac noodles to a piece of paper as fast as you can, and you've got abstract macaroni art. Consider using the powdered cheese product to add color. When the recipient opens this gift, be sure to talk about how much you liked the surrealism chapter in your art history book.

Glue together a tower of empty beer cans. When this gift is opened, make jokes about how much you drink; it'll be important to keep the mood light. I f you pull it off correctly, your parents will think you're silly and showing off, and your younger siblings will be impressed by your coolness. Be sure not to substitute building materials. A tower of empty hard liquor handles is less endearing and may be a bit disconcerting to parents.

Print out a family tree (or a family tree of the same, or at least a similar, last name). Though this gift should take no more than a quick Google search and the pressing of "print screen," you're sure to wow your elders with your tech-savvy capabilities.

Got some old ripped-up jeans? Don't throw them out; they're a gift waiting to be given! In fact, don't even wash them! Those jeans may seem unwearable to you, but I'm sure a younger sibling can be convinced they're the hottest new style straight from Diesel's grunge line.

Warning: Whatever you do, do not resort to giving chore coupons. Parents and relatives can see through this "gift" very easily. They may even futilely attempt to redeem the coupons, which is always a sad sight and tends to put a damper on the holidays.

Hopefully these tips and hints can keep you from dipping into your pizza and beer fund this gift-giving season. Because, whether you're stealing, drawing or just gluing garbage together, you're sure to have something for everyone on your list.