A Zoological Debate

Zoos have always presented a moral dilemma. Are they fun? Yes certainly. But is it right to keep wild animals captive for our entertainment? When I say it like that, it really doesn’t seem right. But there are many factors to weigh, let’s delve into some issues like zoo conditions, animal psyches, and the amount of time zoos can keep children from attacking their younger siblings.

Let’s begin by looking to the tiger. Zoo-dwelling tigers have their food prepared and given to them, so their natural hunter instincts wither and die. But research shows, tigers actually prefer it that way. And who wouldn’t? I’ve seen nature documentaries, I know how fast tigers have to run to get one tiny antelope. If I had to sprint a mile to get my food, I’d probably quit instantly and end up starving to death. I mean, I don’t even really like driving to the grocery store to get my food. And I know a lot of people feel the same way because mankind invented pizza delivery, Chinese delivery, and now that MobileWaiter.com thing where you get any restaurant food delivered right to your door. Tigers don’t have the ability to invent stuff like that, so instead they invented getting captured and taken to zoos. Which is kind of a better deal. Humans have to tip delivery guys. All tigers have to do is not kill their delivery guy.

So consciences are clear on food procurement, but what about animals’ homes? We do sort of rip them from their natural habitat. But maybe that isn’t so bad. Zookeepers work hard to give their animals a pretty nice mock-habitat. And in many situations the zoo’s mock-habitat is better than an animal’s natural habitat. Did you see March of the Penguins? Those poor penguins spent like 6 months huddling for warmth because it was so cold. And even though that is clearly entertaining (March of the Penguins grossed $77 million) zoos do not make penguins that unbearably cold.

Oh, also mock-habitats are a little better because the animals are separated from their predators. Kind of a big deal. And separating the animals has other benefits too. Giraffes experience a whole lot of body image issues in the wild because they have to be around other, more normally shaped animals.

No matter how great the mock-habitat, zoo animals still have to deal with people staring at them all day long. But some animals might like it. Some people love it. That’s how reality television shows exist. And zoo animals have it even better than reality TV stars. The animals get all the attention without the judgment. Nobody’s says, “Look at that stupid privileged panda holding that stick like a materialistic brat. She probably only got that stick because her parents are wealthy.” No, instead it’s all, “Aw look at that panda!!!! Oh my god she’s holding a stick, that’s the best thing I’ve ever seen!!!!” The esteem-boosting attention easily outweighs the lost privacy.

In the wild, animals are free to befriend practically anyone (according to Disney movies). Different species, talking insects, and human children are all ready and waiting to build a relationship with wild animals. But poor zoo animals are stuck interacting with whoever lives in their enclosure. It’s a limited selection, which includes their parents. Imagine trying to strike up a conversation with a potential mate while your parents are around. If we could understand animal languages, I’m sure throughout the zoo we’d hear thing like: “Mom! If you pick bugs out of my hair when I’m trying to talk to Mr. Giggles one more time I swear I’m going to choke you with the climbing rope!”

Now on the other hand, zoos do keep mothers from eating their young. So maybe it’s worth putting up with your mom all the time if you get to avoid dying the most traumatic death imaginable.

Maybe zoo animals don’t have it so bad. All in all, they’ve got a pretty cushy situation. But what about the humans who visit the zoo? No one ever champions our plight. We have to search for parking, buy tickets, walk around in the heat, endure crowds, and then we don’t even get to ride any of the animals. These conditions are unacceptable and we cannot rest while they stand. Zoos either need to fix their problems, or I need to be allowed to ride a hippo.