Clara's Blogging Again!

As the summer wears on many feel as though they’ve exhausted traditional methods for beating the heat. Be it through lack of extra funds for adequate AC, neighborly bickering turned vicious at the community pool, or getting banned from the local beach for “accidentally” destroying all the sandcastles that looked better than your small sand-hills, which actually have way more structural integrity than those stupid good-looking sandcastles anyway. Whatever the reason, many of us find ourselves in need of some lesser-known, yet equally entertaining, ways to stay cool this summer.

Consider hanging out in the grocery store day after day. The grocery store is always kept at frigid temperatures and there’s plenty to do. From typical and somewhat mundane activities like eating food from the shelves or racing shopping carts, to more adventurous pursuits like cooking food from the shelves (lighters located aisle 12) or Whole Chicken Dodgeball: the Game of Avoiding Salmonella. Plus if you have some spare change you have even more options. Whip coins at old people, buy plastic bracelets or bouncy balls from the machines up front, or use the blood pressure machine to slowly crush fruit. (Reminder: don’t buy the fruit, you’re using/ruining it within the store, so technically that’s not stealing. Also, since when are you opposed to stealing?)

If you think it’s too hot to leave the refrigerated aisles, simply stuff your clothes with bags of frozen peas before venturing into warmer store regions— watch out for skin damage, people mistaking you for a fat person, and accidentally getting disgusting peas anywhere near your mouth.

The library, while dorky, is another great summer hideout. It’s free and always kept at an ideal temperature. Librarians are so desperate to get people in there they don’t care how much they spend on utilities. Now, the library demands calm and quiet, which provides a two-pronged approach to fun. On one hand, you can accept what they demand by browsing the magazines, surfing the web, or napping— the children’s section should have some great bean bag chairs set up for you. And on the other hand, you can reject what they demand by holding screaming contests, building obstacle courses (try involving the bean bag chairs you used earlier!), or attempting to make larger-than-life dominos out of the shelves. Making slightly-larger-than-life dominos out of hard cover books, while fine in theory, is kind of immature.

Library too nerdy? You can always invite yourself over to a friend’s air-conditioned house and then turn the thermostat way down when they’re in the bathroom. But don’t just go to the same friend’s house day after day. In order to slow the eventual friend-to-enemy transition, rotate friends and go to a different house everyday. If you think you don’t have enough friends to keep this up, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your definition of the word “friend.” Friends can be neighbors, ex-girlfriends or boyfriends, or even that guy you screamed at for taking your parking space at the mall.

Not about to leave your air-conditioned house and brave the sweltering walk to your car? That is completely reasonable. And lucky for you, there are plenty of ways to cool off at home. Sitting with your face an inch away from the fan making a funny voice can provide minutes of entertainment, assuming you don’t get too close to the fan. But what can you do after you’ve tired of that funny voice? Consider wearing several sweaters and running around the house until you almost pass out. Then take the sweaters off and sit still, the contrast will feel incredibly refreshing. Or go ahead and pass out. Then you won’t feel the heat, or anything else that might be bothering you.

A cold shower is another great at-home heat-cure, but why not take it to the next level? Try standing in a layer of cold water while you shower, storing your shampoo in the fridge, or using an ice cream sandwich instead of soap. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

This summer is one of the hottest on record. Heed my advice, and do whatever it takes to avoid the heat. Don’t be a hero. The dad playing sports with his kids outside, the dedicated gardener weeding away, the kids playing sports with their dad outside, are all risking dehydration, sun poisoning, heat stroke, death, and excessive sweat/stink. It’s not worth it. Stay cool my friends.