Monday, November 17, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Life After Graduation
Upon graduating from college and moving to New York, I find myself quite unprepared for many aspects of semi-adulthood. I mean, I knew not having homework would rule. But apparently there’s more to self-sufficiency than that. To help illustrate my point, I’ve prepared excerpts of conversations from both my pre and post college days, and paired them side by side. Enjoy!
On Rest and Relaxation:
College Clara: “I was so tired from that awesome party last night, I totally slept through all my classes today!”
Present Clara: “I accidentally slept through business hours, so I couldn’t apply for a job today.”
On Diligence:
College Clara: “That class was so easy, I basically never went, barely studied for the exam, and guess what, l still got a B!”
Present Clara: “I think I didn’t get hired at that pizza place because I didn’t put enough effort into my cover letter.”
On Health:
College Clara: “I just signed up for student health insurance.”
Present Clara: “I just bought anti-bacterial soap.”
On Age:
College Clara: “Check out my fake ID! Sure looks real, huh?
Present Clara: “For lunch today I tried to say I was under 12 so I could eat for free at Fudruckers."
On Entertainment:
College Clara: “We didn’t feel like going to class, so we just stayed in and watched movies all day!”
Present Clara: “I just moved here and I don’t really know anybody yet, so I just stayed in and watched movies all day. Alone. With the lights off for some reason.”
On Food:
College Clara: “Guys, guys, check it out, I told that Dining Hall cashier that my cup is filled with water, but it’s really Sprite! Free Soda! High Five!”
Present Clara: “Today I realized I’m just that weird lady who steals Sprite from the neighborhood Chipotle.”
On Disturbance:
College Clara: “I can’t believe the R.A. gave us a hard time! I mean, these dorms are our home and we’re just trying to have a little fun. We aren’t even being that loud."
Present Clara: “I complained to the building manager that the 6 year old across the hall laughs and plays too loudly.”
On Interaction:
College Clara: “Sure is fun to be around all my friends constantly. Let’s stay young and happy forever. Especially happy.”
Present Clara: “Yes, I got an email! All right, Barnes and Noble coupons!!”
On Rest and Relaxation:
College Clara: “I was so tired from that awesome party last night, I totally slept through all my classes today!”
Present Clara: “I accidentally slept through business hours, so I couldn’t apply for a job today.”
On Diligence:
College Clara: “That class was so easy, I basically never went, barely studied for the exam, and guess what, l still got a B!”
Present Clara: “I think I didn’t get hired at that pizza place because I didn’t put enough effort into my cover letter.”
On Health:
College Clara: “I just signed up for student health insurance.”
Present Clara: “I just bought anti-bacterial soap.”
On Age:
College Clara: “Check out my fake ID! Sure looks real, huh?
Present Clara: “For lunch today I tried to say I was under 12 so I could eat for free at Fudruckers."
On Entertainment:
College Clara: “We didn’t feel like going to class, so we just stayed in and watched movies all day!”
Present Clara: “I just moved here and I don’t really know anybody yet, so I just stayed in and watched movies all day. Alone. With the lights off for some reason.”
On Food:
College Clara: “Guys, guys, check it out, I told that Dining Hall cashier that my cup is filled with water, but it’s really Sprite! Free Soda! High Five!”
Present Clara: “Today I realized I’m just that weird lady who steals Sprite from the neighborhood Chipotle.”
On Disturbance:
College Clara: “I can’t believe the R.A. gave us a hard time! I mean, these dorms are our home and we’re just trying to have a little fun. We aren’t even being that loud."
Present Clara: “I complained to the building manager that the 6 year old across the hall laughs and plays too loudly.”
On Interaction:
College Clara: “Sure is fun to be around all my friends constantly. Let’s stay young and happy forever. Especially happy.”
Present Clara: “Yes, I got an email! All right, Barnes and Noble coupons!!”
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Paris Fashion Week
Maria Valentin reveals her new collection, including the revolutionary "Lady's Brass Knuckles" with accompanying clutch.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Superhero: a short play
A young woman is walking down the street. A robber runs up to her and grabs her purse. The two struggle.
WOMAN: HELP! HELP! IS THERE ANYONE NEARBY WHO CAN HELP ME!
Our hero looks over and sees what’s happening. He twitches his nose and sniffs.
RATMAN: I smell trouble! This looks like a job for…Ratman!
With a series of little rapid steps he runs over to the robber and woman. He proceeds to beat up the robber, bites him, and takes the woman’s purse back.
WOMAN: You saved me! Thank you so much, how can I ever repay you, Rat – wait what did you say your name was?
RATMAN: Rrrratman!
WOMAN: Are you…are you committed to that name?
RATMAN: Yeah, of course! There’s nothing wrong with my name, it’s fitting.
WOMAN: Ew.
RATMAN: No, no, not because I carry diseases or anything like that. I only have the positive rat characteristics. I’m really really fast, and I have a great sense of smell. And sharp teeth!
WOMAN: Please don’t stand near me.
Scene 2:
Ratman enters the mayor’s office.
RATMAN: Hello Mayor.
MAYOR: Thank you for meeting me here, Ratman.
RATMAN: It’s alright, but I don’t know why we can’t ever meet at my place.
MAYOR: The Rat Cave..?
RATMAN: Yeah, I don’t know why you always refuse, it’s much more convenient. Do you know what it’s like to come up town at this time of day? I was in traffic for 45 minutes.
MAYOR: Listen, Ratman, we’ve got an emergency on our hands.
RATMAN: Alright, what’s going on?
Ratman starts to sit down.
MAYOR: Ooo, could you not sit there! It’s just that the upholstery’s really hard to clean. I mean, we just ended up throwing out the last chair you sat in.
RATMAN: Oh come on, do we have to go through this again? You don’t have to clean everything I touch; I only have the positive rat characteristics.
MAYOR: Uhhh, yeah, I know, just, well…better safe than sorry. Now, Ratman, The Exterminator has called in another threat to the city! He plans to pump the city’s drinking water full of cyanide.
RATMAN: (Gasps) Not The Exterminator again! From my very core emanates a deep pulsing hatred for that evil man.
MAYOR: Ooo, could you be careful where you step. We’ve laid out some newspapers, if you could try to just walk on those.
RATMAN: (Sighs) you know this is unnecessary.
MAYOR: I know, I know, but the cleaning staff doesn’t come in until Monday, and it costs extra to shampoo the carpets, you know how it is. Now, get out there and stop The Exterminator!
RATMAN: I’m on it!
Scene 3:
ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, in the sewers below the city streets…
The Exterminator stands in the sewer. He has a large vat connected to a pump beside him.
EXTRMINATOR: I’ve got enough cyanide in this pump to kill half the city’s population! That’ll teach the other half to respect and fear me like they should!
Ratman drops into the sewer, The Exterminator doesn’t notice him.
EXTRMINATOR: I’ve got the hose hooked up to the main water line, and all I have left to do is flip the switch!
RATMAN: I don’t think you’ll be getting to that step, Exterminator.
EXTRMINATOR: Rrratman! I’d stay back if I were you. Beside me lies 3 tons of cyanide, or as you may know it, good old fashion rat poison.
RATMAN: Well, first of all, I only have the positive rat characteristics, so I’m just as susceptible to cyanide as you or anyone else. And since I don’t plan on eating any of your cyanide, it’s not a real threat to me…
EXTRMINATOR: Even if I placed it in this hunk of cheese!
RATMAN: Do rats even like cheese? You’re thinking of mice. Rats eat anything, especially garbage.
EXTRMINATOR: Ah ha! You sure know an awful lot about the disgusting eating habits of rats for someone who claims to only have the “positive” rat characterizes!
Exterminator throws the cheese at him and runs away.
Ratman drops to all fours and scurries after him. Exterminator manages to escape off stage.
RATMAN: Hmm, where did he go…
Ratman starts to sniff around in order to find him. He closes his eyes and lets his sniffing guide him.
The exterminator sneaks back on stage and approaches his vat and pump hook-up.
EXTRMINATOR: I’m afraid your characteristics have failed you, and the city, now!
He flips the switch and attempts to run away. Ratman scurries up to him and knocks him out with on punch, and then bites him. Hard. Ratman then struggles to pull the hose off the water pipe and tries to flip the switch back, but fails.
RATMAN: All locked! That blasted Exterminator! Well, there’s only one thing left to do. Good thing I have the positive rat characteristics!
He gets down on all fours and starts to gnaw away at the hose.
Scene 4:
Ratman emerges from the sewer onto the city streets. He is a bit dazed. A little girl and her mother stand near the manhole. The little girl has a fountain soda cup.
RATMAN: (breathing heavily) You’re safe now, drink up little girl.
He moves to put a hand on her shoulder. She screams.
MOTHER: Ugh, get away from us. Did you just crawl out of the sewer?
RATMAN: No, no, I’m Ratman!
MOTHER: Ew!
RATMAN: I just saved the whole city from the evil Exterminator!
MOTHER: Did you kill an exterminator down there? What is wrong with you?
RATMAN: Would you mind calling an ambulance…I’ve consumed a fair amount of poison.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Hobbies
Choosing a new hobby is always challenging. To aid readers in their decision making, I’ve developed an easy-to-use guide which lists the pros and cons of popular activities. Hope it helps!
Taking Karate classes:
Pro: Exercise has many health benefits.
Con: Exercise requires more effort than eating, watching tv, napping, or sleeping.
Pro: Would learn to defend self physically.
Con: Would learn nothing to defend self mentally or emotionally.
Pro: Would meet new people.
Con: People you meet will know how to effectively attack you.
Pro: The uniforms would keep you from repelling potential friends with your lack of style.
Con: Your numerous food stains will show up more easily on the white uniform.
Pro: Would learn a valuable skill.
Con: Would have to control self around food.
Pro: Would meet new people.
Con: Would have to control self around knives.
Pro: Would be able to eat better.
Con: Might no longer have use for previously purchased 64 bulk pack Ramen Noodles.
Pro: Would be able to contribute more than just drinks and napkins to potluck dinner parties.
Con: Would feel more spite/shame when not invited to potluck dinner parties.
Taking swimming classes:
Pro: Low impact exercise is good for joints.
Con: Might drown to death.
Con: Being immersed in water is bad for the lungs.
Con: Can only assume everyone making eye contact with you is also peeing.
Pro: Some pools have slides.
Con: Would be reminded of outgrowing childhood fun while in line for the slide.
Pro: Would be earning money.
Con: Would have to spend money on an alarm clock.
Pro: Would be contributing to society.
Con: In most cases, would miss Price is Right.
Pro: Would gain sense of self respect.
Con: Couldn’t wear same sweatpants everyday.
Con: Might have to change hilarious email address which looks so good on high school reunion form.
Taking up smoking:
Pro: Would get to take smoke breaks at work, school, social outings, family gatherings, etc.
Pro: Would always have an “ice breaker.”
Con: Would only have one free hand when doing things.
Pro: Would have something to do.
Con: Death, disease.
Pro: Looks cool; is something the popular kids tend to do.
Taking up shoplifting:
Con: Illegal.
Pro: Get free stuff.
Con: Would have to wear baggy clothes all the time.
Pro: Could wear same sweatpants everyday, as well as, acquire new softer and less tattered sweatpants.
Con: Might get caught.
Pro: Before that, could convince friends/family you have a job.
Con: People would want to borrow, or at least touch, some of the fancy stuff you’ve worked so hard to get.
Pro: Friends!
Joining a gang:
Con: Illegal.
Pro: Friends!
Con: Fellow members might be too aggressive.
Pro: Your angry tendency of slamming doors would no longer look like “problem behavior.”
Con: Might have to murder.
Pro: Get to experience new activities not found in ordinary daily life.
Con: Might get murdered.
Pro: Would be remembered as someone with lots of friends.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
With love, from me to me
Yesterday I received a letter in the mail addressed to Clara "Fancy Pants" Morris. I was naturally suspicious. At the time I was wearing sweatpants. I mean, these sweatpants did have pockets, so maybe they could be considered fancy, but I knew it was a bit of a stretch. Even more mysterious was the fact that my name and address were written in handwriting strikingly similar to my own. Could this be an exploding letter from one of my enemies who mastered the imitation of both my handwriting and my wont of making up middle names? I looked at the return address and saw that it was from my 12th grade English teacher. Could she be such an enemy? After a moment of scowling at the envelope, I was graced with a slight memory of making some sort of time capsule for an assignment in 12th grade English.
I zealously ripped the letter open and confirmed my brief remembrance. This letter has allowed me to see in which ways I've grown, matured, stayed the same and not lived up to my own expectations during the past four years. Let's take a look:
My dearest Clara,
This is a letter from you to you, written for points in 12th grade AP English. As I write this I am sure future-me (present you) will remember the motivation behind every idea in this letter, every brilliant idea. (Throwing in the word "brilliant" there was a joke in case you don't remember, MORON. … that was a joke too … I love you). I realize that you might not actually remember writing this letter, but I find that weird and unsettling. It's only been four years.
I think I should point out that the only reason I am typing this, rather than handwriting it, is because I want all the words to be spelled correctly.
I couldn't think of a funny way to start the letter, so don't read the "my dearest Clara" and think to yourself, "God, I sure thought I was funny back then, but man, who was I kidding." Don't do that future-me, because I am funny. Don't judge me, greetings are hard.
You going to a prestigious grad school just like you planned? If not I guess this adds insult to injury, eh?
Did you think the references to "future-me" in the above paragraphs were funny? Cuz you did when you wrote it. Oh how you laughed. How I laughed. Um. How … we? laughed?
I love you so much,
Clara Morris, 1985-2008
(Ominous music)
My favorite aspect of this letter is how the bulk of it is simply my high school-self insecurely trying to prove to my future-self that I was actually funny.
In many ways, I have not really changed since age 18. For example, one of my first reactions upon finishing reading the letter was an overwhelming fear that I was a funnier writer back in 12th grade. I guess insecurities are long-lived. Oh, and I'm still a poor speller.
Some of the letter's defensiveness was warranted. When first reading the salutation, I did find "my dearest Clara" a bit weak in the humor department. It's not that I don't consider myself the dearest; it's just not laugh-out-loud funny. So, my initial reaction was a palpable panic that I made bad jokes throughout high school, convinced myself they were funny and continued that trend into the present day. Imagine my delight when I read the paragraph explaining that I settled on the greeting simply out of laziness and lack of effort! That's something I'll always be proud of.
There was one other part of the letter that filled me with a very tangible fear. 1985-2008. Really, past-me, that doesn't seem too aggressive? Is that really the sort of mean joke you thought I would be able to handle? Did you think I would be braver four years down the road? Because I am not, and I am pretty much convinced I'm going to be looking over my shoulder and having nightmares until 2009.
So, four years after writing this letter, I find myself not attending the prestigious grad school I challenged myself to as an 18-year-old. Instead I'm doing nothing and occasionally trying to be funny. But something tells me past-Clara wouldn't be too disappointed.
I zealously ripped the letter open and confirmed my brief remembrance. This letter has allowed me to see in which ways I've grown, matured, stayed the same and not lived up to my own expectations during the past four years. Let's take a look:
My dearest Clara,
This is a letter from you to you, written for points in 12th grade AP English. As I write this I am sure future-me (present you) will remember the motivation behind every idea in this letter, every brilliant idea. (Throwing in the word "brilliant" there was a joke in case you don't remember, MORON. … that was a joke too … I love you). I realize that you might not actually remember writing this letter, but I find that weird and unsettling. It's only been four years.
I think I should point out that the only reason I am typing this, rather than handwriting it, is because I want all the words to be spelled correctly.
I couldn't think of a funny way to start the letter, so don't read the "my dearest Clara" and think to yourself, "God, I sure thought I was funny back then, but man, who was I kidding." Don't do that future-me, because I am funny. Don't judge me, greetings are hard.
You going to a prestigious grad school just like you planned? If not I guess this adds insult to injury, eh?
Did you think the references to "future-me" in the above paragraphs were funny? Cuz you did when you wrote it. Oh how you laughed. How I laughed. Um. How … we? laughed?
I love you so much,
Clara Morris, 1985-2008
(Ominous music)
My favorite aspect of this letter is how the bulk of it is simply my high school-self insecurely trying to prove to my future-self that I was actually funny.
In many ways, I have not really changed since age 18. For example, one of my first reactions upon finishing reading the letter was an overwhelming fear that I was a funnier writer back in 12th grade. I guess insecurities are long-lived. Oh, and I'm still a poor speller.
Some of the letter's defensiveness was warranted. When first reading the salutation, I did find "my dearest Clara" a bit weak in the humor department. It's not that I don't consider myself the dearest; it's just not laugh-out-loud funny. So, my initial reaction was a palpable panic that I made bad jokes throughout high school, convinced myself they were funny and continued that trend into the present day. Imagine my delight when I read the paragraph explaining that I settled on the greeting simply out of laziness and lack of effort! That's something I'll always be proud of.
There was one other part of the letter that filled me with a very tangible fear. 1985-2008. Really, past-me, that doesn't seem too aggressive? Is that really the sort of mean joke you thought I would be able to handle? Did you think I would be braver four years down the road? Because I am not, and I am pretty much convinced I'm going to be looking over my shoulder and having nightmares until 2009.
So, four years after writing this letter, I find myself not attending the prestigious grad school I challenged myself to as an 18-year-old. Instead I'm doing nothing and occasionally trying to be funny. But something tells me past-Clara wouldn't be too disappointed.
. . .With a Shot of Publicity
This past Tuesday, Starbucks closed stores nationwide for three hours in the early evening. Was it a marketing campaign? Some cruel scientific experiment to see just how addictive caffeine really is? Were they teaching a lesson to all those corporation-haters who badmouthed Starbucks' stranglehold on the market? No, Starbucks stores closed for three hours so that baristas would have time to be retrained. Oh, wait, I mean, yes it was a marketing campaign.
The Starbucks' closing was covered by most major media outlets, including The Washington Post, The New York Times, CBS and Fox. Even The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, though mockingly, gave airtime to the closings. How embarrassing for Starbucks! Now everybody knows there must have been some problem with their baristas! Lucky for them, they managed to fix it, but how horrible that the process was so public! I wish for Starbucks' sake there was some way they could have avoided all that press. It's too bad they couldn't have found a time other than business hours to train their workers, or maybe have found a way to avoid having every store in the nation closed at the exact same time. Oh well, I'm sure glad it's over now … and you know what, I'll bet Starbucks coffee will be better than ever. I can't wait to try it! Taking such an elaborate approach really shows how much Starbucks cared to fix their problems. And that's all it shows.
Some may say I'm being a bit hard on Starbucks, but, for the majority of my life, I've been fairly skeptical of coffee itself, let alone coffee shops. I believe it all stems back to my severe fear of growing up, getting a job, paying bills and becoming responsible for my actions. I've found it's quite easy to take my fears out on coffee.
Adults drink coffee; kids don't. Kids can't handle the bitter taste, and caffeine stunts growth. But adults can't get enough of it. Why? I don't know for sure, but I've got some theories. For one, most adults don't have to worry about stunted growth. And maybe the incredibly bitter cigarette-butt taste of coffee is just an acquired taste that comes with age. Does that mean that growing up is so awful it causes one to start favoring bitter over sweet? I cannot do that. Sweet is my favorite flavor! It is the flavor of all things good: nectar, honey, Kit-Kats. I don't want to live without that joy!
According to the National Coffee Association 82 percent of American adults drink coffee every day. You're right to immediately doubt this statistic because, of course, a fake association has to make itself look popular. But it's true. The National Coffee Association exists. And they take statistics.
I find this statistic incredibly ominous. No, not for health reasons or consumer concerns. You see, the only time I drink coffee is during exam week. A week when I'm trying to replace sleeping with reading unopened textbooks. A week when I'm so strapped for time, I think taking a shower can count as taking a break. A week when I can't fully open my eyes, be it because of sleep deprivation or a side effect of seven hours under the library's fluorescent lighting. Only during this week do I find the need to turn to coffee with hopes that it might have even the slightest energizing effect on my desperate physical condition. And that's the same drink 82 percent of adults turn to every morning.
While I do condemn Starbucks' publicity stunt as well as coffee and adulthood in general, I find I must now apologize. There are aspects of Starbucks that should be celebrated. Starbucks has done me a favor and made coffee as childish as they possibly can.
Take, for example, their drink the "mocha." For those who don't know, that drink is essentially a little bit of coffee watered down with hot chocolate. Oh yeah, with whipped cream on top. And they have other dessert-disguised coffee drinks. Consider their caramel macchiatto. That one's actually made of candy - says so right in the name.
So maybe growing up, having a job and being exhausted all the time won't be so bad simply because every morning I can wake up and drink coffee that tastes like a milkshake … maybe.
The Starbucks' closing was covered by most major media outlets, including The Washington Post, The New York Times, CBS and Fox. Even The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, though mockingly, gave airtime to the closings. How embarrassing for Starbucks! Now everybody knows there must have been some problem with their baristas! Lucky for them, they managed to fix it, but how horrible that the process was so public! I wish for Starbucks' sake there was some way they could have avoided all that press. It's too bad they couldn't have found a time other than business hours to train their workers, or maybe have found a way to avoid having every store in the nation closed at the exact same time. Oh well, I'm sure glad it's over now … and you know what, I'll bet Starbucks coffee will be better than ever. I can't wait to try it! Taking such an elaborate approach really shows how much Starbucks cared to fix their problems. And that's all it shows.
Some may say I'm being a bit hard on Starbucks, but, for the majority of my life, I've been fairly skeptical of coffee itself, let alone coffee shops. I believe it all stems back to my severe fear of growing up, getting a job, paying bills and becoming responsible for my actions. I've found it's quite easy to take my fears out on coffee.
Adults drink coffee; kids don't. Kids can't handle the bitter taste, and caffeine stunts growth. But adults can't get enough of it. Why? I don't know for sure, but I've got some theories. For one, most adults don't have to worry about stunted growth. And maybe the incredibly bitter cigarette-butt taste of coffee is just an acquired taste that comes with age. Does that mean that growing up is so awful it causes one to start favoring bitter over sweet? I cannot do that. Sweet is my favorite flavor! It is the flavor of all things good: nectar, honey, Kit-Kats. I don't want to live without that joy!
According to the National Coffee Association 82 percent of American adults drink coffee every day. You're right to immediately doubt this statistic because, of course, a fake association has to make itself look popular. But it's true. The National Coffee Association exists. And they take statistics.
I find this statistic incredibly ominous. No, not for health reasons or consumer concerns. You see, the only time I drink coffee is during exam week. A week when I'm trying to replace sleeping with reading unopened textbooks. A week when I'm so strapped for time, I think taking a shower can count as taking a break. A week when I can't fully open my eyes, be it because of sleep deprivation or a side effect of seven hours under the library's fluorescent lighting. Only during this week do I find the need to turn to coffee with hopes that it might have even the slightest energizing effect on my desperate physical condition. And that's the same drink 82 percent of adults turn to every morning.
While I do condemn Starbucks' publicity stunt as well as coffee and adulthood in general, I find I must now apologize. There are aspects of Starbucks that should be celebrated. Starbucks has done me a favor and made coffee as childish as they possibly can.
Take, for example, their drink the "mocha." For those who don't know, that drink is essentially a little bit of coffee watered down with hot chocolate. Oh yeah, with whipped cream on top. And they have other dessert-disguised coffee drinks. Consider their caramel macchiatto. That one's actually made of candy - says so right in the name.
So maybe growing up, having a job and being exhausted all the time won't be so bad simply because every morning I can wake up and drink coffee that tastes like a milkshake … maybe.
University of Maryland Winter Break
Adjusting to the start of the spring semester is one of the most difficult things I've encountered. It's infinitely harder than adjusting to the fall semester. The fall semester comes on the heels of summer jobs. Not a hard act to follow. However, the spring semester comes on the heels of winter break.
Winter break is the most relaxing, most responsibility-free, most glorious time of our lives. There are no classes, no papers, no exams. There are no jobs, no managers and no bosses. Some of you may disagree with me. Particularly those of you who chose to take a class or work over winter break. But I am not to be blamed for your mistakes.
Winter break is wonderful because of the simple pleasures. When else in life is it acceptable to wear exclusively sweatpants, to sleep until 4 p.m., to not know what day of the week it is, to watch a seven-hour marathon of America's Next Top Model? Never. Well . . . all right, there are exceptions; perhaps if you're sick, having a migraine, suffering from depression, etc. But answer me this: When else in life is it acceptable to partake in these lethargic activities for an entire month straight? Only during winter break.
Any debate between summer and winter break can be cleared up by a simple glance to the calendar. Yes, summer break is longer, but that's not my point. Look more carefully. Winter break begins with holidays. For many of us, present-receiving holidays! For all of us, a holiday where the main point is to stay up late drinking! And what does the start of summer break offer? Let's see … it begins at the end of May … just in time for … oh, great, summer job interviews. Hooray. And what else? Mother's Day?! Followed closely by Father's Day?! Those are present-giving holidays!
So winter break begins with new stuff and evenings dedicated to drinking while summer break begins with seeing what it's like to be a working adult and losing money in order to be nice to your parents. What a contest.
I stand firmly in my belief that winter break is not an appropriate time to get a job. Future employers, grad school admission boards and parents expect you to get a job during the summer. But winter break is too short for anyone, especially parents, to expect a job. And, even if your parents are pushy, winter break has built-in escapes from employment. At every job you apply for, simply state that you refuse to work more than the month you're off from school. Also be sure to demand time off to relax after exams, time off for Christmas (regardless of religion) and, of course, a few days of vacation to recuperate after New Year's. You'll find potential employers rather reluctant to hire you. Especially if you really stress how much you'll need to recuperate after New Year's.
The University of Maryland has one of the longest undergraduate winter breaks. It is quite a blessing. For those of you who complain that winter break is "too long" or "boring," you are being incredibly disrespectful. Full-blown adults don't get a month off from work. I have a feeling you'll regret your bold comments sometime in adulthood when you roll over at 6:45 a.m. to turn off your alarm (which for some reason no longer plays music, but just emits a series of sharp beeps) only rising so you can sit in commuter traffic for hours and hopefully be on time to your soul-crushingly bland nine-to-five job.
I don't mean to scare you about the future. I'm sorry. You see, I'm a senior, thus I've recently run out of winter breaks. And all I can do now is make sure everyone realizes that winter break is something to be cherished.
Don't kill the time; absorb it. Hold on to each nothing-filled minute. Sleep as much as you possibly can. And after you wake up, stay lying down for as long as you possibly can. Spend some quality time with the TV. Watch E!. Watch Jurassic Park 3 with the violence edited out on TBS. Because if you don't do it during winter break, you may never get another chance. Winter break is an opportunity; seize it.
Winter break is the most relaxing, most responsibility-free, most glorious time of our lives. There are no classes, no papers, no exams. There are no jobs, no managers and no bosses. Some of you may disagree with me. Particularly those of you who chose to take a class or work over winter break. But I am not to be blamed for your mistakes.
Winter break is wonderful because of the simple pleasures. When else in life is it acceptable to wear exclusively sweatpants, to sleep until 4 p.m., to not know what day of the week it is, to watch a seven-hour marathon of America's Next Top Model? Never. Well . . . all right, there are exceptions; perhaps if you're sick, having a migraine, suffering from depression, etc. But answer me this: When else in life is it acceptable to partake in these lethargic activities for an entire month straight? Only during winter break.
Any debate between summer and winter break can be cleared up by a simple glance to the calendar. Yes, summer break is longer, but that's not my point. Look more carefully. Winter break begins with holidays. For many of us, present-receiving holidays! For all of us, a holiday where the main point is to stay up late drinking! And what does the start of summer break offer? Let's see … it begins at the end of May … just in time for … oh, great, summer job interviews. Hooray. And what else? Mother's Day?! Followed closely by Father's Day?! Those are present-giving holidays!
So winter break begins with new stuff and evenings dedicated to drinking while summer break begins with seeing what it's like to be a working adult and losing money in order to be nice to your parents. What a contest.
I stand firmly in my belief that winter break is not an appropriate time to get a job. Future employers, grad school admission boards and parents expect you to get a job during the summer. But winter break is too short for anyone, especially parents, to expect a job. And, even if your parents are pushy, winter break has built-in escapes from employment. At every job you apply for, simply state that you refuse to work more than the month you're off from school. Also be sure to demand time off to relax after exams, time off for Christmas (regardless of religion) and, of course, a few days of vacation to recuperate after New Year's. You'll find potential employers rather reluctant to hire you. Especially if you really stress how much you'll need to recuperate after New Year's.
The University of Maryland has one of the longest undergraduate winter breaks. It is quite a blessing. For those of you who complain that winter break is "too long" or "boring," you are being incredibly disrespectful. Full-blown adults don't get a month off from work. I have a feeling you'll regret your bold comments sometime in adulthood when you roll over at 6:45 a.m. to turn off your alarm (which for some reason no longer plays music, but just emits a series of sharp beeps) only rising so you can sit in commuter traffic for hours and hopefully be on time to your soul-crushingly bland nine-to-five job.
I don't mean to scare you about the future. I'm sorry. You see, I'm a senior, thus I've recently run out of winter breaks. And all I can do now is make sure everyone realizes that winter break is something to be cherished.
Don't kill the time; absorb it. Hold on to each nothing-filled minute. Sleep as much as you possibly can. And after you wake up, stay lying down for as long as you possibly can. Spend some quality time with the TV. Watch E!. Watch Jurassic Park 3 with the violence edited out on TBS. Because if you don't do it during winter break, you may never get another chance. Winter break is an opportunity; seize it.
Final Push
With exam week upon us, many feel that it's time to get serious, panic, and consider dropping out of school. While this is perhaps not the most constructive train of thought, it is a natural response to trying to read an entire textbook in 12 hours. (Or possibly even less time, depending on how many levels of Super Mario Bros. 3 you were able to beat that same evening). Let's be honest, most of us stopped trying after midterms. I mean, a lot of us stopped trying even sooner. And some of us never even started trying. (Hey, if the teacher wanted my attention the class should not have been scheduled for 8 a.m. …or 10 a.m. … and a 1 p.m. class is tricky because I get sleepy after lunch).
Now all of a sudden, the information that we spent months ignoring has to be learned in a week. It's an unpleasant situation, but I'd like to offer some strategies to decrease stress and anxiety during this grim, trying time.
Ignoring and not showing up for exams definitely curbs the pressures of exam week. But, be warned, this option does have its downsides. For example, if your roommate has an 8 a.m. exam, he might ask you to stop doing beer bongs and screaming along to Now That's What I Call Music 4! when you are just a mere two hours into your anti-exam celebration. Worse yet, he might even have the gall to accidentally wake you up when his alarm goes off at 7 a.m. Talk about irritating!
If you decide ignoring exams isn't for you, there are certainly other ways to lessen the tedium, the headaches and the tightening of the chest that always accompany exam studying. Procrastination is a wonderful tool. It's surprisingly easy to convince yourself you're studying when you're really just wasting your life. Remember the age old adage: As long as you're at a desk and/or computer, you're making progress.
If you have a laptop, move on over and "study" in bed. You'll find that lying down and falling asleep is much more comfortable than sitting at your desk and studying.
Consider compulsively checking your e-mail. Once every 15 minutes should make you feel busy. In the face of studying, anything from Barnes and Noble coupons to e-mails offering eternal youth in exchange for your credit card number can be worthwhile. However, this is not the best strategy to avoiding work. Stores, friends and con artists can only send out so many e-mails. There are few things as demoralizing as checking an empty inbox 12 times in a row.
I'd recommend moving on to a more personal, yet still removed, form of online communication: reading AIM away messages. This year, I implore everyone to please put up an amusing - or at least long - away message. Putting up a plain and simple message that says "studying" is completely insufficient. Think about it. That message is not interesting, and it takes about one second to read. And here I am trying to procrastinate. Thanks for nothing.
Give me an amusing quote, a YouTube link, the PSYC221 exam questions you swiped from the teaching assistant while explaining to him or her the illness/family emergency/secret spy mission that made you absent for the past month. Anything works, just put some effort in!
Study breaks are a great strategy. Convince yourself you need coffee to stay awake and read. But you can't just have homemade coffee; you deserve a treat because you're so stressed. Take a trip to Starbucks to get a sugary, milkshake-flavored coffee. And because the atmosphere is so inviting, curl up on one of their soft chairs. If you happen to fall asleep for four hours, well, hey, that's just your body's way of saying you really needed that coffee break.
If you've exhausted other procrastination options, you can begin to delve into actual schoolwork. But be cautious. Start by looking at past test scores and tally up your grade in that class thus far. Then plug in some hypothetical grades and see how badly you can do on the exam to still get a B … or a D. This little exercise can do wonders for alleviating anxiety. (Warning: If you discover you need more than 100 percent on your final to pass a course, stress may increase dramatically).
While these methods may not (read: certainly won't) help you get better grades, they will, at least temporarily, keep you from facing the mountains of work that have been building up since September. Nothing relieves schoolwork-related stress better than not doing schoolwork.
Now all of a sudden, the information that we spent months ignoring has to be learned in a week. It's an unpleasant situation, but I'd like to offer some strategies to decrease stress and anxiety during this grim, trying time.
Ignoring and not showing up for exams definitely curbs the pressures of exam week. But, be warned, this option does have its downsides. For example, if your roommate has an 8 a.m. exam, he might ask you to stop doing beer bongs and screaming along to Now That's What I Call Music 4! when you are just a mere two hours into your anti-exam celebration. Worse yet, he might even have the gall to accidentally wake you up when his alarm goes off at 7 a.m. Talk about irritating!
If you decide ignoring exams isn't for you, there are certainly other ways to lessen the tedium, the headaches and the tightening of the chest that always accompany exam studying. Procrastination is a wonderful tool. It's surprisingly easy to convince yourself you're studying when you're really just wasting your life. Remember the age old adage: As long as you're at a desk and/or computer, you're making progress.
If you have a laptop, move on over and "study" in bed. You'll find that lying down and falling asleep is much more comfortable than sitting at your desk and studying.
Consider compulsively checking your e-mail. Once every 15 minutes should make you feel busy. In the face of studying, anything from Barnes and Noble coupons to e-mails offering eternal youth in exchange for your credit card number can be worthwhile. However, this is not the best strategy to avoiding work. Stores, friends and con artists can only send out so many e-mails. There are few things as demoralizing as checking an empty inbox 12 times in a row.
I'd recommend moving on to a more personal, yet still removed, form of online communication: reading AIM away messages. This year, I implore everyone to please put up an amusing - or at least long - away message. Putting up a plain and simple message that says "studying" is completely insufficient. Think about it. That message is not interesting, and it takes about one second to read. And here I am trying to procrastinate. Thanks for nothing.
Give me an amusing quote, a YouTube link, the PSYC221 exam questions you swiped from the teaching assistant while explaining to him or her the illness/family emergency/secret spy mission that made you absent for the past month. Anything works, just put some effort in!
Study breaks are a great strategy. Convince yourself you need coffee to stay awake and read. But you can't just have homemade coffee; you deserve a treat because you're so stressed. Take a trip to Starbucks to get a sugary, milkshake-flavored coffee. And because the atmosphere is so inviting, curl up on one of their soft chairs. If you happen to fall asleep for four hours, well, hey, that's just your body's way of saying you really needed that coffee break.
If you've exhausted other procrastination options, you can begin to delve into actual schoolwork. But be cautious. Start by looking at past test scores and tally up your grade in that class thus far. Then plug in some hypothetical grades and see how badly you can do on the exam to still get a B … or a D. This little exercise can do wonders for alleviating anxiety. (Warning: If you discover you need more than 100 percent on your final to pass a course, stress may increase dramatically).
While these methods may not (read: certainly won't) help you get better grades, they will, at least temporarily, keep you from facing the mountains of work that have been building up since September. Nothing relieves schoolwork-related stress better than not doing schoolwork.
Shopping Solutions
Holiday shopping puts quite a strain on the average college student. Finals are coming up; we don't have time to shop. Many of us don't have cars, making a trip to the mall a rather complicated journey. And, most difficult of all, many of us have been spending all our money on pizza and beer since the semester started. Yet parents, siblings and sometimes even extended family members expect gifts in return for their gifts. Talk about unfair.
Well, I'm here today to give you some advice and help keep you from breaking the bank this holiday season.
The first money-saving option that comes to mind is, of course, stealing. A great method to avoid spending while having some fun! Though this is certainly a thrifty, more creative way to "shop," there are some pitfalls. Each stealing technique has its drawbacks. Credit card fraud is fairly time-consuming, shoplifting limits you to only small, pocket-sized items, and old-fashioned holdups have a tendency to get a bit messy. And besides, if you get something too nice or expensive, your family is going to know you stole it.
If theft isn't your thing, don't worry. There are other ways to keep your wallet closed this holiday season. Take a lesson from your elementary school days and make your gifts this year. A drawing or a poem riddled with misspellings brought tears to your parents' eyes when you were 9 years old. Who's to say the effect will be different a decade later? The nostalgic value alone should have parents reaching for the tissues.
Arts and crafts activities offer more material options as well. Making jewelry or knitting scarves are definitely less expensive than buying either product. Origami looks impressive, and there are free instructions online. A cheap picture frame can be decorated to look much fancier. (Plus, giving a picture frame practically guarantees one more picture of yourself going up in your parents' house. Take that, older/younger sibling!)
Now, I know what you're thinking: "These are great money-saving ideas, but they take (some) time, (some) effort and (some) artistic talent. Not to mention, art supplies cost (some) money, so what's the point?"
You are wise to ask, but fear not my lazy, poor, artistically challenged friends: I have solutions. You can still make gifts for your loved ones; just consider making gifts poorly.
Glue some Easy Mac noodles to a piece of paper as fast as you can, and you've got abstract macaroni art. Consider using the powdered cheese product to add color. When the recipient opens this gift, be sure to talk about how much you liked the surrealism chapter in your art history book.
Glue together a tower of empty beer cans. When this gift is opened, make jokes about how much you drink; it'll be important to keep the mood light. I f you pull it off correctly, your parents will think you're silly and showing off, and your younger siblings will be impressed by your coolness. Be sure not to substitute building materials. A tower of empty hard liquor handles is less endearing and may be a bit disconcerting to parents.
Print out a family tree (or a family tree of the same, or at least a similar, last name). Though this gift should take no more than a quick Google search and the pressing of "print screen," you're sure to wow your elders with your tech-savvy capabilities.
Got some old ripped-up jeans? Don't throw them out; they're a gift waiting to be given! In fact, don't even wash them! Those jeans may seem unwearable to you, but I'm sure a younger sibling can be convinced they're the hottest new style straight from Diesel's grunge line.
Warning: Whatever you do, do not resort to giving chore coupons. Parents and relatives can see through this "gift" very easily. They may even futilely attempt to redeem the coupons, which is always a sad sight and tends to put a damper on the holidays.
Hopefully these tips and hints can keep you from dipping into your pizza and beer fund this gift-giving season. Because, whether you're stealing, drawing or just gluing garbage together, you're sure to have something for everyone on your list.
Well, I'm here today to give you some advice and help keep you from breaking the bank this holiday season.
The first money-saving option that comes to mind is, of course, stealing. A great method to avoid spending while having some fun! Though this is certainly a thrifty, more creative way to "shop," there are some pitfalls. Each stealing technique has its drawbacks. Credit card fraud is fairly time-consuming, shoplifting limits you to only small, pocket-sized items, and old-fashioned holdups have a tendency to get a bit messy. And besides, if you get something too nice or expensive, your family is going to know you stole it.
If theft isn't your thing, don't worry. There are other ways to keep your wallet closed this holiday season. Take a lesson from your elementary school days and make your gifts this year. A drawing or a poem riddled with misspellings brought tears to your parents' eyes when you were 9 years old. Who's to say the effect will be different a decade later? The nostalgic value alone should have parents reaching for the tissues.
Arts and crafts activities offer more material options as well. Making jewelry or knitting scarves are definitely less expensive than buying either product. Origami looks impressive, and there are free instructions online. A cheap picture frame can be decorated to look much fancier. (Plus, giving a picture frame practically guarantees one more picture of yourself going up in your parents' house. Take that, older/younger sibling!)
Now, I know what you're thinking: "These are great money-saving ideas, but they take (some) time, (some) effort and (some) artistic talent. Not to mention, art supplies cost (some) money, so what's the point?"
You are wise to ask, but fear not my lazy, poor, artistically challenged friends: I have solutions. You can still make gifts for your loved ones; just consider making gifts poorly.
Glue some Easy Mac noodles to a piece of paper as fast as you can, and you've got abstract macaroni art. Consider using the powdered cheese product to add color. When the recipient opens this gift, be sure to talk about how much you liked the surrealism chapter in your art history book.
Glue together a tower of empty beer cans. When this gift is opened, make jokes about how much you drink; it'll be important to keep the mood light. I f you pull it off correctly, your parents will think you're silly and showing off, and your younger siblings will be impressed by your coolness. Be sure not to substitute building materials. A tower of empty hard liquor handles is less endearing and may be a bit disconcerting to parents.
Print out a family tree (or a family tree of the same, or at least a similar, last name). Though this gift should take no more than a quick Google search and the pressing of "print screen," you're sure to wow your elders with your tech-savvy capabilities.
Got some old ripped-up jeans? Don't throw them out; they're a gift waiting to be given! In fact, don't even wash them! Those jeans may seem unwearable to you, but I'm sure a younger sibling can be convinced they're the hottest new style straight from Diesel's grunge line.
Warning: Whatever you do, do not resort to giving chore coupons. Parents and relatives can see through this "gift" very easily. They may even futilely attempt to redeem the coupons, which is always a sad sight and tends to put a damper on the holidays.
Hopefully these tips and hints can keep you from dipping into your pizza and beer fund this gift-giving season. Because, whether you're stealing, drawing or just gluing garbage together, you're sure to have something for everyone on your list.
Trick or Treating
This Halloween created quite a bit of inner turmoil for me. There were a lot of obstacles in the way of my celebrating the holiday. But it was also my senior-year Halloween, possibly my last chance to really do Halloween appropriately. So on Wednesday, despite being in my twenties, despite my evening class from 6:30 to 10, despite the influx of crime in the area, I braved the balmy fall night, headed out into the darkness and went trick-or-treating.
I haven't missed a year yet, and I wasn't about to break that streak, especially considering my age. Graduating college will bring with it a fate worse than not being able to drink constantly and having to wake up before noon. Next year, I might actually be too old to go trick-or-treating.
I do understand that I'm already pushing it. But as someone who is slowly realizing her last growth spurt isn't coming, permanently dooming her to a childlike 5-foot stature, I figure I'm entitled to some free candy at least once a year. C'mon, I can barely reach most shelves. I'm owed something!
Plus, as long as I'm still a student, I can easily justify myself. Trick-or-treating is for children, and children go to school. I also go to school and, therefore, should have no moral qualms or concerns about going trick-or-treating. I certainly can't find any holes in that logical argument!
I'm just not sure justification will be so lucid next year when I'm out of school, working some depressing grown-up's job. Something about rushing home after a long day at the office to change out of my take-charge pantsuit and into my totally awesome Ninja Turtles costume just seems wrong.
And no, I don't consider going trick-or-treating with kids of my own someday to be a chance to relive Halloween fun. That won't be real trick-or-treating. I imagine parenthood would force me to spend the entire holiday making sure nobody gets kidnapped or poisoned. How fun! I bet parents don't even get to eat chocolate until they vomit or steal candy from the smaller, weaker, less-experienced children. No, Halloween won't be the same at all.
Now, before you condemn me as a greedy, gluttonous, con-artist-thief, let me inform you that it's not all candy and costumes. I've had to face a fair amount of adversity because of my insistence on trick-or-treating well into legal adulthood.
First off, it's hard to convince your friends to go with you. Some would rather go to bars and get drunk. Others feel that, as appropriately sized people, the situation would prove too awkward to be fun.
Even if I can convince someone to accompany me, it's hard to get them looking like a child. Masks help. Having them hang back and pretend to be a parent is a little better. But I've found making new, shorter friends to be my best option.
No matter what, awkward situations do result. I guarantee at least once each Halloween I'm made to feel like a jerk. Maybe it happened because some feeble old lady actually believed I was 10. Or maybe because I got caught up in the moment and pushed an actual child out of the way so I could be first to ring the doorbell. It's hard to predict what's going to make me feel my age. However, I have a hunch graduating from college just might. So, I urge the readers still in school, both the short and the tall, to take advantage of the fleeting youth you have left. Halloween may be over this year, but there are always opportunities to act like a child. Throw some stuff at The Diner, use your outdoor voice indoors, play with fireworks. And next Halloween, forget the bars and go trick-or-treating instead. You've got your whole boring, responsibility-filled actual adulthood to spend drinking.
You may see your youth as already having past, but consider this: I've never in all my life been denied trick-or-treating candy. Once, in my junior year of high school, a woman said to me, "Aren't you a little too old for this?" as she dropped a fun-sized Snickers into my pillow case. And while her question may have sent me spinning into a pit of self-loathing, the truth remains: I still got candy.
I haven't missed a year yet, and I wasn't about to break that streak, especially considering my age. Graduating college will bring with it a fate worse than not being able to drink constantly and having to wake up before noon. Next year, I might actually be too old to go trick-or-treating.
I do understand that I'm already pushing it. But as someone who is slowly realizing her last growth spurt isn't coming, permanently dooming her to a childlike 5-foot stature, I figure I'm entitled to some free candy at least once a year. C'mon, I can barely reach most shelves. I'm owed something!
Plus, as long as I'm still a student, I can easily justify myself. Trick-or-treating is for children, and children go to school. I also go to school and, therefore, should have no moral qualms or concerns about going trick-or-treating. I certainly can't find any holes in that logical argument!
I'm just not sure justification will be so lucid next year when I'm out of school, working some depressing grown-up's job. Something about rushing home after a long day at the office to change out of my take-charge pantsuit and into my totally awesome Ninja Turtles costume just seems wrong.
And no, I don't consider going trick-or-treating with kids of my own someday to be a chance to relive Halloween fun. That won't be real trick-or-treating. I imagine parenthood would force me to spend the entire holiday making sure nobody gets kidnapped or poisoned. How fun! I bet parents don't even get to eat chocolate until they vomit or steal candy from the smaller, weaker, less-experienced children. No, Halloween won't be the same at all.
Now, before you condemn me as a greedy, gluttonous, con-artist-thief, let me inform you that it's not all candy and costumes. I've had to face a fair amount of adversity because of my insistence on trick-or-treating well into legal adulthood.
First off, it's hard to convince your friends to go with you. Some would rather go to bars and get drunk. Others feel that, as appropriately sized people, the situation would prove too awkward to be fun.
Even if I can convince someone to accompany me, it's hard to get them looking like a child. Masks help. Having them hang back and pretend to be a parent is a little better. But I've found making new, shorter friends to be my best option.
No matter what, awkward situations do result. I guarantee at least once each Halloween I'm made to feel like a jerk. Maybe it happened because some feeble old lady actually believed I was 10. Or maybe because I got caught up in the moment and pushed an actual child out of the way so I could be first to ring the doorbell. It's hard to predict what's going to make me feel my age. However, I have a hunch graduating from college just might. So, I urge the readers still in school, both the short and the tall, to take advantage of the fleeting youth you have left. Halloween may be over this year, but there are always opportunities to act like a child. Throw some stuff at The Diner, use your outdoor voice indoors, play with fireworks. And next Halloween, forget the bars and go trick-or-treating instead. You've got your whole boring, responsibility-filled actual adulthood to spend drinking.
You may see your youth as already having past, but consider this: I've never in all my life been denied trick-or-treating candy. Once, in my junior year of high school, a woman said to me, "Aren't you a little too old for this?" as she dropped a fun-sized Snickers into my pillow case. And while her question may have sent me spinning into a pit of self-loathing, the truth remains: I still got candy.
Questions of Etiquette
This week, while procrastinating, I opened my e-mail only to find another installment of the University of Maryland Arts and Humanities newsletter. The e-mail contained information about an event on future student success hosted by the Alumni Association. What is the event? An "etiquette dinner."
Curiously, I delved into the e-mail to see how etiquette affects college students of today.
My ignorance and apparent need for etiquette training were made clear right from the start. The Alumni Association opens the e-mail with the question, "What side is your bread plate on?" While I have had much experience with bread, I've never even heard of a bread plate. I have, however, heard of a cereal bowl, which is pretty close; it's grain in a dish. But I couldn't tell you which side of what a cereal bowl sits.
The e-mail does not take a cliff-hanger approach and answers the question immediately. "The bread plate goes on your left." It even offers an emergency procedure: "Should the person on your left use your bread plate, use your dinner plate for bread." However, I find this answer just creates more questions. If I sacrifice my dinner plate for bread, do I not get any dinner? The event costs $10; I refuse to just eat bread. And what the hell is the guy on my left's problem? He's the one who wanted extra bread; he should give me his dinner plate, granting me two dinners as recompense.
This problem-solving course of action seems natural to me, but is it proper etiquette? I just don't know. Good thing there's a training dinner that will answer all my questions. How valuable!
What other skills can this dinner teach me? The e-mail promises "etiquette tips that range from which fork to use for salad to proper dinner conversation." This is less intriguing than the bread plate conundrum. I already know which fork to use for salad: the one that's not a spoon. And even if I didn't know that, I could figure it out after a few attempts to spear some lettuce with the rounded edge of my spoon.
And don't get me started on proper dinner conversation. That's too easy. I mean, I already have the conversation all planned out. I'm just going to turn to my left and yell, "Get off my goddamn bread plate!" and I'll be good to go.
Now I'm under the impression that the Alumni Association is in existence to help me get a good job in the future. That may not be the case, but nobody has corrected me yet. Be it through networking, contacts, training programs or cash donations, there are many avenues the association can take to help me and other graduates. I'm just not sure being good at eating counts as one.
E-mail, prove me wrong. Apparently, "the Alumni Association Etiquette Dinner provides [me] with the opportunity to learn important social skills that will give [me] the edge [I] need to succeed." Isn't my face red, I always thought I had been developing social skills through a lifetime of realistic social interactions. I'm glad the Alumni Association is there to right my wrongs, while preparing me for success. I love success!
Since I was all pumped on the value of the Alumni Association, I hit up their website to see what other events I could attend. I found that, in addition to the upcoming etiquette dinner, the association hosts a fair amount of tailgate parties. Now, something here seems incongruous. These are radically different social events. One promotes politeness, the other rowdiness. But they're both sponsored and organized by our Alumni Association whose main goal is to serve as a networking community for students. So, I'm confused. Which is it, Alumni Association? What is going to get me more employment contacts, shotgunning beers in parking lots or setting tables appropriately?
Truth is, both types of social gatherings teach valuable skills for advancing in today's job market. Just be aware of your surroundings in order to use the different skills acquired at each event appropriately. For example, when your boss invites you over for dinner to meet his family, it would be inappropriate to start drinking at 10 a.m. It would, however, be appropriate to demand a separate plate for all carbohydrates. After receiving dirty looks from your boss and his family, feel free to cite the pretentious yet patronizing etiquette dinner you attended as an undergraduate here at the university. It's sure to make an impression.
Curiously, I delved into the e-mail to see how etiquette affects college students of today.
My ignorance and apparent need for etiquette training were made clear right from the start. The Alumni Association opens the e-mail with the question, "What side is your bread plate on?" While I have had much experience with bread, I've never even heard of a bread plate. I have, however, heard of a cereal bowl, which is pretty close; it's grain in a dish. But I couldn't tell you which side of what a cereal bowl sits.
The e-mail does not take a cliff-hanger approach and answers the question immediately. "The bread plate goes on your left." It even offers an emergency procedure: "Should the person on your left use your bread plate, use your dinner plate for bread." However, I find this answer just creates more questions. If I sacrifice my dinner plate for bread, do I not get any dinner? The event costs $10; I refuse to just eat bread. And what the hell is the guy on my left's problem? He's the one who wanted extra bread; he should give me his dinner plate, granting me two dinners as recompense.
This problem-solving course of action seems natural to me, but is it proper etiquette? I just don't know. Good thing there's a training dinner that will answer all my questions. How valuable!
What other skills can this dinner teach me? The e-mail promises "etiquette tips that range from which fork to use for salad to proper dinner conversation." This is less intriguing than the bread plate conundrum. I already know which fork to use for salad: the one that's not a spoon. And even if I didn't know that, I could figure it out after a few attempts to spear some lettuce with the rounded edge of my spoon.
And don't get me started on proper dinner conversation. That's too easy. I mean, I already have the conversation all planned out. I'm just going to turn to my left and yell, "Get off my goddamn bread plate!" and I'll be good to go.
Now I'm under the impression that the Alumni Association is in existence to help me get a good job in the future. That may not be the case, but nobody has corrected me yet. Be it through networking, contacts, training programs or cash donations, there are many avenues the association can take to help me and other graduates. I'm just not sure being good at eating counts as one.
E-mail, prove me wrong. Apparently, "the Alumni Association Etiquette Dinner provides [me] with the opportunity to learn important social skills that will give [me] the edge [I] need to succeed." Isn't my face red, I always thought I had been developing social skills through a lifetime of realistic social interactions. I'm glad the Alumni Association is there to right my wrongs, while preparing me for success. I love success!
Since I was all pumped on the value of the Alumni Association, I hit up their website to see what other events I could attend. I found that, in addition to the upcoming etiquette dinner, the association hosts a fair amount of tailgate parties. Now, something here seems incongruous. These are radically different social events. One promotes politeness, the other rowdiness. But they're both sponsored and organized by our Alumni Association whose main goal is to serve as a networking community for students. So, I'm confused. Which is it, Alumni Association? What is going to get me more employment contacts, shotgunning beers in parking lots or setting tables appropriately?
Truth is, both types of social gatherings teach valuable skills for advancing in today's job market. Just be aware of your surroundings in order to use the different skills acquired at each event appropriately. For example, when your boss invites you over for dinner to meet his family, it would be inappropriate to start drinking at 10 a.m. It would, however, be appropriate to demand a separate plate for all carbohydrates. After receiving dirty looks from your boss and his family, feel free to cite the pretentious yet patronizing etiquette dinner you attended as an undergraduate here at the university. It's sure to make an impression.
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