What Should You Be For Halloween?

Scary Costumes  

Examples: Grim reaper, Zombie, Your future self stuck in the same dead-end job, with less hair, and apparently that rash didn’t just go away on it’s own. 

Pros: Satisfaction of being true to the Halloween spirit. It's fun scaring people.

Cons: When children run from you screaming you’ll feel accomplished, but the subconscious effect will be much less positive.

Sexy Costumes

Examples: Nurse, Fairy, Turtle Without Its Shell

Pros: Won’t get over heated in crowded bars. Also, attention!

Cons: Might get really cold. EMTs will take you less seriously when responding to your alcohol poisoning.

Word Play Costumes

Examples: Cereal killer (serial killer), Hot tea (hottie), A gift box with label reading, “To: Women  From: God” (annoying person)

Pros: People will call you clever!

Cons: You’ll struggle with your conscience at each and every compliment as you fail to tell people you didn’t think of the costume on your own, but rather Googled, “clever Halloween costumes.”

Your Own Regular Clothes Costumes

Examples: Average Joe, Commuter, Poor Sport

Pros: Easy, comfortable, inexpensive.

Cons: Chance you'll feel left out. People may withhold free drinks because they think you aren't really dressed up.

Obscure Costumes

Examples: 1987 Denver Nuggets third string point guard, The brother from Clarissa Explains it All, That guy from that dream you had once.

Pros: Feel superior to others for knowing more than them.

Cons: Waste a lot of time researching detailed info that will never be useful again. 

TV or Movie Character Costumes

Examples: Bart Simpson, Someone from Star Trek/Wars, You if you had applied yourself. 

Pros: Costumes are premade and easy to find, so all you have to do is go to the store the night before Halloween and shell out some money.  

Cons: Might get sued for character defamation because of eating all that Taco Bell in public while dressed as a celebrity. 

Popular Party Games

Host’s Food Eating Contest

Who can make the most host’s food disappear without getting caught? Remember, despite the name of the game, you don’t actually have to eat the food. You just have to ruin it. 

Some options include stealing food, mixing different foods together and then daring people to consume your concoction, throwing food at other guests—either blatantly as a food fight, or secretly as a surprise for guests to find in their clothes and hair the next morning. 

But you might just want to go ahead and eat because few things are as satisfying as being drunk and having access to mass amounts of free food. 

Disqualification: You throw up any amount of the host’s food.

Bonus points: Find and devour the expensive chocolates/rare and exotic truffles/endangered condor eggs that the host clearly tried to hide from drunk guests. 

Beer Pong Distraction

This game is challenging to your imagination and bravery, yet simple in form. All you do is walk up to the beer pong table and try to make players miss their shots. There’s no signing up, no waiting for a turn, and no choosing an allegiance. Why ruin the game for just one team, when you could be ruining it for everyone?

Pretty much anything is fair game outside of attacking players and/or cups. From making noises to starting fires and from pretending the cops have arrived to faking a heart attack, it’s all in bounds if it makes a player mess up. 

Disqualification: Somebody hits you in the face. 

Bonus points: A player gets so mad he hits the table/wall/his partner with such force it knocks over his team’s cups. Be very careful, it is difficult to pull off this maneuver without getting disqualified.

Create A Bathroom

This game is great for both those who have to go to the bathroom and those who don’t. Though it’s especially great if you do have to go to the bathroom. There are few rules; just create a bathroom by doing your business somewhere that isn’t traditionally a bathroom. Points are awarded for originality and daring, so don’t just settle for some private corner of the yard. Consider the front steps, a corner of the bedroom, someone’s shoes, anywhere, just be creative!

If you’re reluctant to play because you’re “polite,” or “friends with the host,” I have a feeling you’ll change your mind at some point while you’re suffering in the ridiculously slow real-bathroom line. 

Disqualification: Bathroom created in pants. 

Bonus points: Poop.

Pizza Kingdom

DOUG:  Welcome to Pizza Kingdom.

CUSTOMER 1: Hi, I’d like 2 plain slices.

DOUG: Excuse me, but that is no way to address a king!

CUSTOMER 1: Huh?

DOUG: You come into my kingdom, don’t bow or humble yourself in any manner, yet go so far as to expect me to serve you!

CUSTOMER 1: Listen, I’m starving, can I just have 2 slices?

DOUG: Ugh, I am so tired of the hungry masses crawling to my feet to grovel and complain! If you are starving, petition your lord to increase your rations! This is hardly a matter for the king. How did you get past the guards?

CUSTOMER 1: What guards? Ah, whatever, I’ll just go across the street.

DOUG: Rather rude! Note to self: Find out who her lord is and take some of his land as penance. Hello, and welcome to Pizza Kingdom.

CUSTOMER 2: Hey, how’s it going? Uh...lemme get that spinach and mushroom piece there.

DOUG: You are quite bold indeed, to make demands upon a king!

CUSTOMER 2: Ha ha. Nice act, very funny. Spinach and mushroom please.

DOUG: These peasants disgust me, with their meager vegetable subsistence and slovenly dress.

CUSTOMER 2: Hey, c’mon pal, what gives?!

MANAGER: Is there a problem here?

DOUG: No sir, sorry sir.

CUSTOMER 2: This kid won’t give me my pizza!

MANAGER: Doug! How many times do have to tell you...to address me as Sire.

DOUG: Forgive me, Sire.

CUSTOMER 2: Oh for crying out loud!

MANAGER: It’s alright, Doug. You’re just a young king. Soon you’ll be more versed in the royal ways. Now, who is this mere serf, and how did he get past the guards?

CUSTOMER 2: What guards? And how can you both be king? Shouldn’t he be a prince or something?

DOUG: Insolent subject!

CUSTOMER 2: Alright, alright. Your majesties, would you bestow upon me the right to purchase some pizza from you?

MANAGER: Bargaining with Kings?! How dare you?! I banish thee! Out! Out, I say!

CUSTOMER 2: Fine, forget you guys.

MANAGER: I’ll be on my throne if you need me.

CUSTOMER 3: Hi there, I need to order 3 large pizzas.

DOUG: Is this for some sort of feast?

CUSTOMER 3: Heh, yeah, kinda. I’m from Book Empire down the road, and it’s our manager’s birthday, so--

DOUG: ...Book Empire... INTRUDER! INTRUDER!

CUSTOMER 3: Whoa, hold on a second.

MANAGER: Man your battle stations!

DOUG: Bring up the drawbridge!

MANAGER: Seal off the Queen’s chambers!

CUSTOMER 3: What is going on?! Hey, hey, don’t throw straws at me! HEY, don’t throw pizza! I’m out of here!

DOUG: We are victorious! …We should imprison those guards.

Fun in the Fall

Fall has a lot going against it. School starts, it’s cold but there’s no possibility of snow, my birthday isn’t in the fall, the plant life dies, the birds start to fly away, the name of the season implies a terrible accident, the list goes on and on. But there are some good aspects of the season, you just have to dig a little deeper to find them. 

Fall is the perfect season to make yourself appear smarter. It provides the opportunity for simple changes in vocabulary that can make you seem like quite the well-read intellectual. All you have to do is refer to regular old leaves as foliage, call the weather brisk instead of kinda cold, speak of mulled cider instead of Juicy Juice, and always call the season autumn as opposed to Fall. And before you know it people will be asking you grammar questions and recruiting you for trivia night. 

Due to tea, sweaters, and blankets general coziness skyrockets in autumn. The same blankets that you kicked off in a sweaty rage just a few nights ago will suddenly become sought after companions for evening TV time. And even better, all day TV time is much more socially acceptable in the cold weather of autumn. You don’t have to feel lazy for curling up with a hot tea and watching hours and hours of TV because what else are you supposed to do? Go outside and freeze to death? 

Corresponding nicely, autumn features the return of new episodes of beloved TV shows, as well as brand new shows to explore and judge! And not only will this grant you lots of fun at home, but work will be more fun too. Water cooler conversation is about to get meaningful. Instead of silence or that same old conversation about Styrofoam cups, you and your co-workers will share genuine laughter over what happened on last night’s Parks and Rec. Thus, I think it’s fair to say that autumn promotes human relationships. Oh, and people sweat much less in autumn than in summer, which is pretty good for human relationships as well.

Once you’ve exhausted everything on Hulu, apple picking is a great autumn activity. You get some fresh air, you get to buy fruit without standing in line at the grocery store behind an old person who accidentally got in the self checkout aisle and won’t figure out how to ring up their apples for at least 17 minutes. As another bonus, apple orchards are littered with soft, or rotting, apples. These are great for stomping, kicking while yelling ‘APPLESAUSE!’ and surreptitiously wiping on fellow apple pickers who look like they’re having more fun than you.

Don’t let a good leaf pile pass you by this autumn. When you see a quality pile, slam on the brakes, run out of the car, leap into the air and ruin the hard work of others with your landing, subsequent rolling around, and attempts at making leaf-angles. Your joy will be enhanced as other drivers slow down and stare at you with envy over your carefree childlike spirit. It might look like they’re staring at you with confusion or judgment, but trust me, it’s envy. Those who yell at you to get your car out of the middle of the street are especially envious.

Don’t be a sucker and build your own leaf pile to jump in. Just remember, neighbor’s leaves are for jumping in, your leaves are for collecting in the gutters and sitting in the yard until they rot and become part of the soil. Unless of course your landlord rakes your leaves. Then, by all means, get in there. 

Be warned, leaf piles sometimes contain rocks. But, leaf piles also sometimes contain money or other prizes that have fallen out of the leaf-raker’s pockets. So I’d say jump in with gusto. Consider going in headfirst so you can see the prizes more easily. Plus if your landlord rakes your leaves you can probably sue him for any resulting concussions or stitches.

After investigating the season more thoroughly, it would appear there are lots of good things about autumn. The possibility of money, homemade applesauce, TV—those are all huge pluses in my book. But, I mean, c’mon autumn, have you even heard of sledding? I’m sorry but none of this competes with sledding. 

CEO Etiquette

For the past five years, my greatest fear at Netflix has been that we wouldn't make the leap from success in DVDs to success in streaming. Most companies that are great at something – like AOL dialup or Borders bookstores – do not become great at new things people want (streaming for us).    --Excerpt, apology email from Netflix CEO Reed Hastings to all customers.

Dear Reed Hastings,

I always considered us to be on friendly terms. So imagine my surprise upon opening your most recent email.  Let me paint you a picture.

I sat down at the computer, put on my glasses and said, “Oh, an email from Reed! He’s probably writing to converse CEO to CEO—or I guess CEO to ex-CEO now. Maybe he’s writing to offer me his condolences about my beloved Borders going under. It’s a dark time for me, and I appreciate any and all support. Or maybe he has a new project he wants to bring me in on! Yes, that’s probably it, he wants to help me out while I’m down.” But that wasn’t it. You just wanted to kick me, and Borders, while we were down.  

The Halloween stores that rented our old buildings haven’t even moved in yet, and you’re already taking cheap shots. And lumping us in with AOL? Low blow. It’s not like we became uncool, we just went out of business. Plenty of companies go out of business! And we went out quietly, we didn’t drag down Time Warner or anybody else. 

And it’s not like you’re some savvy, intelligent businessman. Emailing all your customers and admitting a mistake? I must have missed Harvard Business Review’s article on that brilliant strategy. And come on, you’re renting movies. It must be sooooo hard to get people interested in the product of a billion dollar industry—a product that focuses on things like true love, explosions, and jokes. Borders was selling books. Do you know what books are about? Things like tax reform law and how to cope with depression. Try selling those, Hastings! 

Are you attacking me because it looked like I couldn’t remember your wife’s name at the Helicopter and Scotch CEO party last year? Because you know my mouth was full, I had just been hand-fed like seven or eight grapes. Her name is Barbara! And, as I’ve explained many times, earlier in the party I did say, “Good one, Babs!’ while we pelted the help with golden coins. …Sigh, I’m going to miss those parties.

You look fat in your youtube video, by the way. 

Best,

Mike Edwards

Borders Ex-CEO

Baseball

I have attended two professional baseball games within the last month. I didn’t know much about baseball before going to the games. I mean, I knew the basics like three strikes and you’re out, peanuts and cracker jacks are everywhere, and you shouldn’t run on the field no matter how fun it looks or how fast you think you are. During the games I learned loads more about baseball stuff like sacrifice bunts, balking on the pitch, and just how many security guards they have to keep people from running onto the field. But the more I learned the more questions I had. It seems baseball is a rather complicated game. 

First off, I don’t understand the economy inside a baseball stadium. Now I’m no economic expert (if I were, I’d be making way more topical jokes right now) but I do know there is something wrong with an economy where men are hired to walk about offering me salted nuts and giant foam hands, and vendors sell chicken fingers for no less than $10. I could get the cheapest meal on the menu at a fancy restaurant for $10! And are we all just pretending we don’t know how much a beer costs outside of this enclosure? Everyone is fine with what’s happening, and nobody wants to leave and go to a bar? I don’t understand this business model, and I don’t agree with it. And it kills me that I supported it. But what was I supposed to do, just sit there and not get drunk?

I didn’t get a free t-shirt out of the t-shit gun at either game. So, I hate the t-shirt gun and those who invented it. How’d they even come up with such a stupid idea anyway? “Let’s see, we have 7 free t-shirts and 30,000 fans, what’s the most reasonable and fair way to distribute these shirts? We don’t want to incite a riot, but we want to get close—for team spirit. It’s going to be a delicate balance. Hmm … how about…how about a gun? We can shoot the t-shirts, like bullets, into the crowd of children and drunken adults and let them fight it out.  Also, let’s make sure the t-shirts are all XXL so they are of no use to anyone. It’ll keep the winners hungry.”

I have a lot of questions about the Jumbotron. If I’ve been on the Jumbotron, can I tell people at cocktail parties and job interviews that I’ve been on TV? I’d argue that  more people watch the Jumbotron than most educational television shows. And the actors on those shows get to walk around like they’re something special, so why can’t I? 

Hey, Jumbotron, why isn’t the score the biggest number on the scoreboard? Apparently “The Count,” is shown as the biggest number. Is the count more important than the score? Can a team with a lower score actually win the game because of their great count? No. Unlike the rest of written language, text size has no significance in baseball. And even worse, the score isn’t listed under the letter ‘S’ because that would be too obvious, instead it’s hiding under the letter ‘R.’ Baseball really isn’t looking out for the beginner spectator.

But they’re also not really looking out for the players. Every time a player goes up to bat, his picture goes up on the Jumbotron. Seems like it’d be distracting to have a huge photo of yourself looming over the stadium while you try to hit a rock traveling at 90mph with a stick. Plus, the players’ pictures are rarely flattering. They’re the kind of poorly lit close-up headshot where you can tell the photographer gave really unclear directions about whether the player should smile or sort of just bare his teeth and look like he wants to go home. Why put up these pictures and make players self-conscious? No other professions that deal with performance under pressure do that. It would be ridiculous, “Hey surgeon, just remember, you’re no looker! Seeeee? Okay, now carefully take out this guy’s heart.”

If I were in charge of baseball, there would be no giant pictures of players, the score would be displayed clearly, and free beers would float from the sky on parachutes made of free t-shirts. It would be glorious. Especially after I hired some people who knew about baseball, just to keep that part running smoothly. But there’s bound to be an adjustment period, so just bare with us and back off a little. Thanks.