Reasons to Ride Your Bike to Work

-If you’re having a bad morning, you can cheer yourself up by getting some fresh air and making a whole lot of people late for work.

-Good for the environment, so you can stop feeling bad about that month or two when you threw all your garbage out the window because you ran out of trash bags.

-Great way to get exercise, so you can feel less shame after consuming a whole tub of ice cream in one sitting because you don’t want to share it with the rest of your family.

-Get to run red lights, which gives you a sense of justice for all those times a policeman’s presence has made you come to a complete stop, drive the speed limit, or put back the items you were planning on shoplifting.

-Can easily excuse wearing a helmet without explaining your propensity to have “breakdowns” or “anger-fits.”

A Zoological Debate

Zoos have always presented a moral dilemma. Are they fun? Yes certainly. But is it right to keep wild animals captive for our entertainment? When I say it like that, it really doesn’t seem right. But there are many factors to weigh, let’s delve into some issues like zoo conditions, animal psyches, and the amount of time zoos can keep children from attacking their younger siblings.

Let’s begin by looking to the tiger. Zoo-dwelling tigers have their food prepared and given to them, so their natural hunter instincts wither and die. But research shows, tigers actually prefer it that way. And who wouldn’t? I’ve seen nature documentaries, I know how fast tigers have to run to get one tiny antelope. If I had to sprint a mile to get my food, I’d probably quit instantly and end up starving to death. I mean, I don’t even really like driving to the grocery store to get my food. And I know a lot of people feel the same way because mankind invented pizza delivery, Chinese delivery, and now that MobileWaiter.com thing where you get any restaurant food delivered right to your door. Tigers don’t have the ability to invent stuff like that, so instead they invented getting captured and taken to zoos. Which is kind of a better deal. Humans have to tip delivery guys. All tigers have to do is not kill their delivery guy.

So consciences are clear on food procurement, but what about animals’ homes? We do sort of rip them from their natural habitat. But maybe that isn’t so bad. Zookeepers work hard to give their animals a pretty nice mock-habitat. And in many situations the zoo’s mock-habitat is better than an animal’s natural habitat. Did you see March of the Penguins? Those poor penguins spent like 6 months huddling for warmth because it was so cold. And even though that is clearly entertaining (March of the Penguins grossed $77 million) zoos do not make penguins that unbearably cold.

Oh, also mock-habitats are a little better because the animals are separated from their predators. Kind of a big deal. And separating the animals has other benefits too. Giraffes experience a whole lot of body image issues in the wild because they have to be around other, more normally shaped animals.

No matter how great the mock-habitat, zoo animals still have to deal with people staring at them all day long. But some animals might like it. Some people love it. That’s how reality television shows exist. And zoo animals have it even better than reality TV stars. The animals get all the attention without the judgment. Nobody’s says, “Look at that stupid privileged panda holding that stick like a materialistic brat. She probably only got that stick because her parents are wealthy.” No, instead it’s all, “Aw look at that panda!!!! Oh my god she’s holding a stick, that’s the best thing I’ve ever seen!!!!” The esteem-boosting attention easily outweighs the lost privacy.

In the wild, animals are free to befriend practically anyone (according to Disney movies). Different species, talking insects, and human children are all ready and waiting to build a relationship with wild animals. But poor zoo animals are stuck interacting with whoever lives in their enclosure. It’s a limited selection, which includes their parents. Imagine trying to strike up a conversation with a potential mate while your parents are around. If we could understand animal languages, I’m sure throughout the zoo we’d hear thing like: “Mom! If you pick bugs out of my hair when I’m trying to talk to Mr. Giggles one more time I swear I’m going to choke you with the climbing rope!”

Now on the other hand, zoos do keep mothers from eating their young. So maybe it’s worth putting up with your mom all the time if you get to avoid dying the most traumatic death imaginable.

Maybe zoo animals don’t have it so bad. All in all, they’ve got a pretty cushy situation. But what about the humans who visit the zoo? No one ever champions our plight. We have to search for parking, buy tickets, walk around in the heat, endure crowds, and then we don’t even get to ride any of the animals. These conditions are unacceptable and we cannot rest while they stand. Zoos either need to fix their problems, or I need to be allowed to ride a hippo.

Why Do We Need an iPad?

1. With more heft and a wider surface area, bugs are squished much more efficiently with the iPad than with the traditional flyswatter. Plus, right before death, the bug will be super impressed with the iPad’s sleek, minimalistic design.
2. The touch screen keyboard makes it impossible to get crumbs stuck under the keyboard keys. Combine that fact with the iPad’s ability to become completely flat with a simple rotation of the wrist, and the iPad is the perfect plate for all your snacking and mealtime needs.
3. 10 hour battery life helps you avoid interacting with people for up to 10 hours.
4. Fingertip scrolling makes computer mice useless, which is great news for actual mice who have been fighting to take back the word, and their sense of identity, since the early 2000s.
5. Video calling capability helps remind you that your girlfriend/boyfriend isn’t attractive enough for you to move across the country for them.
6. Additionally, video calling capability keeps your girlfriend/boyfriend from calling you while on the toilet.

Eeeeeeee!

Published in a real live book.

Check out page 240 of CollegeHumor’s new book “CollegeHumor The Website. The Book.” Or read it here for free.

Thank you for all readership, support, and friendship.

For A Winning Neighborhood Barbeque

Even though summer usually creates an outdoor temperature known to many as ‘unbearable,’ summer is also the season of the outdoor-party-involving-a-fire, making it somehow even hotter. Otherwise known as the neighborhood barbeque. Hosting a barbeque can be quite rewarding. It’s a great way to get to know the neighbors without letting them inside your home. And barbeque smell really carries, so the non-invited neighbors will know exactly what they're missing. But it’s not all fun and envy-inducing. From what to serve to what to wear, barbeque etiquette can be complex. One wrong move and you’ve got guests with food poisoning who want to use your bathroom. Before venturing into the world of barbeque hosting, take a look at some do’s and don’ts, and start telling people now about how weird it is that your house didn’t come with a bathroom.

What to serve for the main course is pretty easy. Hamburgers, hot dogs, corresponding buns, and of course, plenty of condiments. The greater the variety of condiments, the less effort you have to put into cooking the main course. Is this hamburger still bleeding? Nope, that’s ketchup! This hotdog seems cold, did you even put it on the grill? Sure did, must be cold from the cherry chutney that just came out of the fridge! Is this dog food? Nah, the mustard, bacon bits, capers and snausages just make it look that way!

As for side dishes, fruits and veggies can be crowd pleasers and they take little to no effort to prepare. If you love watermelon there’s no better time to buy one than when you’re going to have a bunch of people over to help you eat it. You get all the joy without the hassle of having to clean three pounds of rotten watermelon out of your refrigerator because you couldn’t finish it on your own.

Corn-on-the-cob is pretty great, and it’s fun too. Is it a vegetable? Is it a fruit? Is it a projectile? Who cares because once you’re done, it’ purely projectile! Plus before you start eating you can load it up with butter and salt guilt free since it’s a vegetable or something and that’s healthy. In fact, it’s so guilt-free you might even feel liked rewarding yourself for eating well with an ice cream. Corn-on-the-cob rules.

Now that the menu is set, what about entertainment? Your guests are in your yard and very near your house, you don’t want to leave them up to their own devices for fun. If you do, sooner or later they’ll trample your flowerbed and then track mud into your house while seeing how many valuables they can hide in their shirts—all in the name of staving off boredom. I know that’s what I’d do. So protect yourself and prepare something for your guests to do.

The toy store offers a wide variety of outdoor activities like lawn darts, slip n’ slide, badminton, and tackle football. These games are great if you don’t like some of your guests because each of these activities offers a pretty big possibility/opportunity for someone to get hurt accidentally/on purpose.

Conversation is also a viable option, though it may seem like something that merely gets in the way of eating and impaling enemies with lawn darts. But in fact, pleasant banter can prove quite advantageous. For example, if a neighbor has an unkempt lawn, try saying something like, “I’ve been looking for a good lawn care company, which one do you use? Oh you don’t? Here are several business cards of lawn care companies I’ve been researching.” Or if they have a pool they haven’t invited you to use, consider saying something along the lines of, “I love swimming. In fact, I wish I could have held a pool party instead of this great, elaborate, and expensive BBQ for all of my beloved neighbors.” Or if your neighbors do something horrible like let their son host band practice you could say, “What kind of music do you like? I like professional, recorded music before 10pm.” No matter what the problems you may have with your neighbor are, they can be solved through conversation.

In terms of what to wear when hosting a barbeque, I’d say clothes, sunscreen, and bug spray should do the trick. Maybe a watch, but that’s up to you. But rest assured, watch or no watch, if you follow my advice you’ll be hosting a barbeque the whole neighborhood will be talking about for years to come.

How the Internet Has Changed the Workday -- or -- Things You Can Do at Work to Look Like You're Working if Nobody Sits Behind You

1. Watch Cute Animal Videos

One of the few genres of online video that doesn’t require sound to be enjoyed. So whether headphones are allowed or not, these videos will brighten even the darkest day.

Pitfalls to be wary of:

1. Accidentally clicking on a scary animal attack video.

2. Falling in love and seeing how much it would cost to order a baby raccoon or a teacup pig, and then making the snap decision to get both. Though fun a first, this can easily backfire. It’s really gonna break your heart when you have to leave those little guys home alone all day while you're at work watching videos of other raccoons and pigs whose owners have the time to take video of them—even though they aren’t anywhere near as cute as Lil Bandit or Porky.

2. G-Chat

Talk to your friends while sitting at your desk, typing away. Your co-workers will think you’re diligently working, when really you’re being filled in on what you did last night while blackout drunk.

Pitfalls to be wary of:

1. Signing into chat and finding either nobody available, or nobody you actually want to chat with available, and subsequently slipping into a deep depression.

2. Even though the conversation is online, emotions expressed in response to the conversation (like laughing, scoffing, or quietly sobbing) are not online, but rather, are out loud. Expressing emotions out loud is usually frowned upon in the workplace. Not to mention, it sort of let’s everyone know that your mind is so far away from your work that you not only forgot you were at work, you forgot you were in public at all.

3. Shop Online

This is a great pastime because it often results in you getting new stuff. Plus there’s something exhilarating about making money and spending money at the exact same time.

Pitfalls to be wary of:

1. Insecure Internet connection making your credit card number, address, and waist size public information.

2. Buying things you don’t really need/want just to make the workday go by a little bit faster. Fuzzy Crocs might seem like a great idea because fuzzy sounds inviting (especially in the morning when you’re missing your bed) and because you could kill at least an hour browsing their color combos. It’s all innocent enough until a pair of Cleveland Browns fuzzy Crocs show up on your doorstep. Brown and orange? You can’t even wear those in the privacy of your home without feeling dumb.

Clara's Blogging Again!

As the summer wears on many feel as though they’ve exhausted traditional methods for beating the heat. Be it through lack of extra funds for adequate AC, neighborly bickering turned vicious at the community pool, or getting banned from the local beach for “accidentally” destroying all the sandcastles that looked better than your small sand-hills, which actually have way more structural integrity than those stupid good-looking sandcastles anyway. Whatever the reason, many of us find ourselves in need of some lesser-known, yet equally entertaining, ways to stay cool this summer.

Consider hanging out in the grocery store day after day. The grocery store is always kept at frigid temperatures and there’s plenty to do. From typical and somewhat mundane activities like eating food from the shelves or racing shopping carts, to more adventurous pursuits like cooking food from the shelves (lighters located aisle 12) or Whole Chicken Dodgeball: the Game of Avoiding Salmonella. Plus if you have some spare change you have even more options. Whip coins at old people, buy plastic bracelets or bouncy balls from the machines up front, or use the blood pressure machine to slowly crush fruit. (Reminder: don’t buy the fruit, you’re using/ruining it within the store, so technically that’s not stealing. Also, since when are you opposed to stealing?)

If you think it’s too hot to leave the refrigerated aisles, simply stuff your clothes with bags of frozen peas before venturing into warmer store regions— watch out for skin damage, people mistaking you for a fat person, and accidentally getting disgusting peas anywhere near your mouth.

The library, while dorky, is another great summer hideout. It’s free and always kept at an ideal temperature. Librarians are so desperate to get people in there they don’t care how much they spend on utilities. Now, the library demands calm and quiet, which provides a two-pronged approach to fun. On one hand, you can accept what they demand by browsing the magazines, surfing the web, or napping— the children’s section should have some great bean bag chairs set up for you. And on the other hand, you can reject what they demand by holding screaming contests, building obstacle courses (try involving the bean bag chairs you used earlier!), or attempting to make larger-than-life dominos out of the shelves. Making slightly-larger-than-life dominos out of hard cover books, while fine in theory, is kind of immature.

Library too nerdy? You can always invite yourself over to a friend’s air-conditioned house and then turn the thermostat way down when they’re in the bathroom. But don’t just go to the same friend’s house day after day. In order to slow the eventual friend-to-enemy transition, rotate friends and go to a different house everyday. If you think you don’t have enough friends to keep this up, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your definition of the word “friend.” Friends can be neighbors, ex-girlfriends or boyfriends, or even that guy you screamed at for taking your parking space at the mall.

Not about to leave your air-conditioned house and brave the sweltering walk to your car? That is completely reasonable. And lucky for you, there are plenty of ways to cool off at home. Sitting with your face an inch away from the fan making a funny voice can provide minutes of entertainment, assuming you don’t get too close to the fan. But what can you do after you’ve tired of that funny voice? Consider wearing several sweaters and running around the house until you almost pass out. Then take the sweaters off and sit still, the contrast will feel incredibly refreshing. Or go ahead and pass out. Then you won’t feel the heat, or anything else that might be bothering you.

A cold shower is another great at-home heat-cure, but why not take it to the next level? Try standing in a layer of cold water while you shower, storing your shampoo in the fridge, or using an ice cream sandwich instead of soap. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

This summer is one of the hottest on record. Heed my advice, and do whatever it takes to avoid the heat. Don’t be a hero. The dad playing sports with his kids outside, the dedicated gardener weeding away, the kids playing sports with their dad outside, are all risking dehydration, sun poisoning, heat stroke, death, and excessive sweat/stink. It’s not worth it. Stay cool my friends.