The Horror

I do not like scary movies. Nor do I understand their appeal. And while I have never seen a scary movie by my own volition, I have been made to watch quite a few. It was almost always due to social pressures; there was a sleepover party and the movie was already rented and everybody else wanted to watch it, the big kids invited me to the movies and I was too excited/nervous to voice an opinion, or I was simply over at a friend’s house and despite my protests the movie was put in and play was pressed. All unavoidable situations; all caused years of anxiety. It’s time I spoke out against this genre.

I don’t see how horror movies could, in anyway, be fun or pleasurable. First of all, they are often violent and gory, which doesn’t top my list of enjoyable things to look at. Additionally, the main point of a horror movie is to make me uncomfortable, jumpy, and frightened. How is that entertainment? Oh, wow, what a great movie! I can tell because I’m shaking and about to cry. This is a wonderful experience! I’d gladly pay $10 again if a movie could make me this upset. I definitely wouldn’t rather pay $10 to watch a movie that makes me laugh and smile.

On another note, if anyone out there is looking for warning signs of potential criminals, writers and directors of scary movies could not be sending stronger signals. Instead of holding these people in esteem as artists, we should perhaps be getting them help. They think of nothing but worst case scenarios. Husband cheating on you? No he’s planning on murdering you! Going on a class trip? Well, all your peers are going to die! Simply having a family, going to work, saving for vacation, trying to have a normal life? Nope, neighbors are serial killers and they’re coming over to kill you with golf clubs! These aren’t logical chains of events. The people who come up with these stories don’t have normal brain patterns.

For example, the writer of the Saw movies is a complete crazy person. The cruelties portrayed in his movies are so grotesque, unique, and brutal they seem unimaginable. Yet the writer imagined them. And he didn’t just imagine them in a in a general sense, he invented every single detail to make those torture devices and the human response as realistic as possible. I would argue that not everyone is capable of those kinds of thoughts. And I’m nervous about giving someone who does have those kinds of thoughts a public voice. Yeah, great idea, let’s grant the guy who thinks up monstrous ways to physically and emotionally torment people a forum to reach everyone ages 17 and up. Oh, and if their parents say it’s okay or they look old, kids under 17 should be able to experience this guy’s ideas too. Makes perfect sense to me!

Believe it or not, I’m also pretty strongly against scary movie commercials. Why do they have to be so graphic? I’m just trying to watch TV, I don’t want to hear some child whispering “are you okay?” all slow and creepy, and then, with a flash of light, have a hand claw out at me. That’s not fair. If I choose to buy a ticket, then sure, go ahead and let that little kid whisper at me, but not until then.

And why are horror movies advertised during comedy television shows? Just because it’s late at night?! Staying up late does not mean I invite images of criminally insane cannibals into my living room. I just want to watch The Colbert Report! I’m not in your target audience! Advertise for pillows, that’s what I’m more susceptible to purchasing after 11:30, not tickets to a murder show.

Don’t worry, I have ways of standing up for myself. I’ve got news for everyone who put effort into creating the scary movies I’ve seen: your efforts were wasted on me. I didn’t see your award winning performances, your expensive special effects, or your artistically framed scenes because my eyes were closed the whole time. (Well, not the whole time, I do tend to watch the nice parts that show how happy everyone is before the murders get going.) But get this: I also didn’t hear your meticulously crafted creepy dialogue, or your painstakingly composed bone-chilling music because I was plugging my ears and humming a pleasant little tune throughout all the frightening parts. So, horror movie industry …take that.

Pride

Things my parents think I should be proud of, but I’m not ________________________________________ Boggle abilities	Things I am proud of, but shouldn’t necessarily be _________________________________________ Simpsons recall abilities
Knowing not only what an iPod is, but how to use it	Knowing which of the TV-repeating websites has the fewest commercials interrupting the show
Having a clean room	Having room set up so I can see both the TV and the computer from my bed, all without getting any glare from the sun on either screen
Graduating from College	Can spin Frisbee on one finger for minutes at a time
Having a job helping children	Having a really good plan to quit my job after not only using up my annual sick leave, but also waiting until all the paid holiday breaks are over. Thus creating an ideal Money Earned to Hours Worked ratio
6th place in 800 meter relay, MD state regional track meet, 2001	NYC subway turnstile sometimes says, “too fast, swipe again”

Ways to Maximize Enjoyment of Your Lunch Break

While my favorite part of the workday is when I walk out the door at 5pm, my lunch break is a very close second. Lunch is a sacred time when you can relax, clear your mind, and pretend you’re not even at work. And while it may seem like whatever you do during your lunch break would be incredibly enjoyable in contrast to what you do before and after lunch, you cannot just rely on juxtaposition. Challenge yourself, put some effort in, and before you know it you’ll be having the best lunch breaks of your life.

There are several quick fixes to making your lunchtime all that it can be. Listen to your iPod, nap in your car, eat exclusively at a Baskin Robbins. But most importantly, get yourself out of the building. How can you clear your head and pretend you’re not at work, if you are still at work?

Leaving the building can be tricky. The halls of your workplace are lined with people desperate for socialization. They’re lonely, bored, and waiting to pounce. Keep your head down, avoid eye contact, and walk quickly. If you don’t, you risk getting sucked into conversation and spending up to 10 minutes of your break learning about the HR lady’s family reunion next weekend.

And what happens if a boring or hated coworker gets you in conversation and then nonchalantly asks, “Where are you going for lunch?” If you answer honestly, he is going to invite himself along. If you say you don’t know, he’s going to ask you to join him at some awful place of his choosing. It’s a delicate situation. I’ve found the best response is, “I’m going to the bank, to run errands.” Just saying “running errands” still welcomes company. But the bank is private and everybody knows that.

That’s not to say you have to eat lunch alone. Arrange for someone you like outside of work to meet up with you. Be warned, this approach has pitfalls. You probably have to ask unemployed friends to meet you because no one else is free in the middle of the day. Then at lunch, when you talk about your day and your unemployed friend talks about his day, you may go mad with jealousy. Worse yet, when you say you’re jealous your friend might not even be sympathetic. He’ll probably reply, “I don’t know, I’d love to have a job right now.” And then you’ll fly into a murderous rage— just in time to have to go back to work. So you have to stifle your emotions, return to work, and let your friend leave thinking he didn’t do anything wrong.

The best way to maximize enjoyment of your lunch break is to maximize your lunch break. Start by coming back 5 minutes late. If nobody notices, increase it to 10 minutes, then 15, and then level off. (20 minutes could be a fire-able offense, depending on company policy.)

Be sure to have your excuses lined up in case/when somebody notices your extra lunch minutes. Some excuses are better than others. Saying, “I lost track of time, sorry ” might keep you free from reprimand, but it doesn’t really leave you open to coming back late again. Saying something like, “I just had to use the bathroom real quick when I got back,” is an okay excuse, but not perfect. If you actually have to use the bathroom, you can’t then go right away without inviting suspicion. (Side note: Don’t go to the bathroom during lunch. That detracts from your break time and takes away an opportunity to miss some work. All bathroom breaks —real or fake— should be taken during working hours.)

A better excuse for returning tardy from lunch would be, “I left for lunch a bit late, so I figured it was reasonable to come back late too.” There’s no way anybody is going to remember what time you left for lunch. But the best excuse involves not admitting you were late at all. “I was helping Brian downstairs. He ran into me on my way back in and asked me to help him.” Whether or not someone named Brian works with you, that’s a pretty airtight alibi.

My last bit of advice is incredibly crucial. Never take a working-lunch. Claim you have a doctors appointment, say you’re meeting a client, run out of the room crying, anything! Just find a way to free yourself. Lunch is your time. Don’t let anything change that.

How To Build a Deck

Step 1: Put up flyers offering deck building services at low low rates.

Step 2: Negotiate with potential clients; remember to require full fridge privileges, full TV privileges, full toy bin privileges.

Step 3: Buy wood planks, hammer, nails, book about how to build a deck.

Step 4: Try nailing wood planks together in deck-like shape.

Step 5: Go to hospital.

Step 6: Purchase some sort of prebuilt child’s playhouse.

Step 7: Have delivery men carry the playhouse around back and scoot it up right next to real house.

Step 8: Build many layered masking tape connection between real house and playhouse.

Step 9: Revel in your accomplishment.

Step 10: Run away.

Well, At Least Get Some Candy for Yourself

I have very little patience for long lines. When in line at the drug store, getting frustrated with slow cashiers and contemplating stealing just to get the hell out of there, the only thing that can calm me down is the spread of candy displayed below the registers. Laid out before me is nearly every candy ever made; all wrapped, bright, shiny and new, just waiting for me to make my choice. As an intelligent person, I tend to focus on the chocolate and ignore the fruit chews, the gum, and the breath mints.

While I’m tempted by nearly all the chocolate bars, I try to limit myself to buying only one; I like the challenge and the added health benefits. Hershey’s with Almonds is definitely one of my favorites… but then again, plain Hershey’s is slightly bigger. Do I go for ingredient variety or quantity? Or something else entirely?

Kit Kats are delicious, but their structure is a huge flaw. Due to the candy bar’s built in perforation, people seem to have no qualms asking the owner to give up at least ¼ of their total candy. The horrible idea of sharing is even in Kit Kat’s jingle. Though catchy and fun, “Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar” is responsible for a fairly large sales drop among candy loves. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Twix have the same problem. Get either of those and I may end up losing half my candy to a “friend.”

Snickers is one of my top picks. Talk about variety of ingredients! It’s got what, like 7 things in packed there? And thanks to their ad campaign, “Hungry? Grab a Snickers,” I can easily justify eating Snickers for breakfast.

M&Ms are a fine choice, but I tend to go through them a bit fast. It’s because of their packaging. With the tear-open-and-pour shape of the bag, eating M&Ms by the handful is inviting. But even more inviting is holding the bag straight up to your mouth and throwing your head back. Then, after just a couple swigs, you’re out of candy.

Charleston Chew is one candy bar that does not tempt me. I chose it once in childhood because it was the biggest. But instead of a never ending chocolate bar, I found myself with something that had only an incredibly thin outer layer of chocolate, and then a thick, tough inner center of some sort of sickly sweet hurt-your-teeth-sticky white filling. It was thrown out long before I reached the end.

Though I did disparage fruity chewy candy earlier, I’d like to take a moment to discuss jellybeans. While the hot button topic in the field is certainly how gross licorice jellybeans are, I want to focus on the positive. Jelly Belly brand jelly beans are the most remarkable candy. The amount of genius it takes to make a jellybean taste exactly like pear, strawberry cheesecake, or toasted marshmallows is unprecedented and truly impressive.

For example, plenty of hard candy companies claim to have a grape jelly flavor, but time after time their promise falls short and their product just taste like plain old grape hard candy. But the Grape Jelly Jelly Belly is true to its name! As I chew the bean, I can literally feel the cold lumps of jelly, the flavor is so authentic— it doesn’t taste like grape hard candy, it tastes like I’m licking the knife after making a jelly and jelly sandwich.

The inventors and scientists at Jelly Belly are certainly to be revered. However, one must question their career choice. With their cognitive prowess and ability, they should be doing something like curing cancer, fighting global warming, or at the very least, making medicine not taste bad. (Not to discredit the inventors over at Advil who came up with the sugar coated tablets.) So, while I would like to give Jelly Belly my unwavering support and commendation, my social conscious is too strong to let them avoid at least some reproach.

Ah, Candy. By far my favorite meal, snack, and reward. Let’s be honest, though it comes in many shapes, flavors, consistencies, and packages, all candy has its merits. (*Except Charleston Chew) So no matter what anyone chooses*, it’s going to be great.