Love Is a Curious Thing

The Power of Love:

Can cause you to sing from the rooftops.

Cannot improve your musical ability or balance.

Can enable you to lift a car to free your trapped baby.

Cannot enable you to pry open the locked doors of a 7-11 to get your favorite candy bar.

Can turn you into a poet.

Cannot make others enjoy people who refer to themselves as poets.

Can give you realistic visions of fireworks exploding in the night sky.

Cannot give you realistic visions of fireworks exploding in big bowls of pudding. 

Can make you a more generous person.

Cannot lower the price of anything.

Can make you cry.

Cannot stop you from crying once someone enters the room.

Can bring you to your knees.

Cannot help you grow several feet taller and intimidate the object of your affection into loving you back. 

What To Do With Thanksgiving Leftovers

-Use them as a passive aggressive way to find out who actually liked your stuffing. "Don't you want to take some stuffing home with you, Mom? Oh, just one scoop. I see."

-Save at least one plate exactly as it was left on the table--  obscene mashed potato sculpture, bits of broken glass, tear-stained napkin and all--  as a reminder of why smaller, separate tables are better than one big table the whole extended family can sit at together. 

-Passive aggressively tell your sister that her green bean casserole was terrible while giving your dog a healthy treat!

-Make sandwiches. Sure everyone makes leftover turkey sandwiches, but what are you supposed to do when the only thing left is cranberry sauce? Make another turkey?  Nope, just slather that stuff between some bread and pack it for lunch! (Ideally, pack it for someone else’s lunch.) 

-Collect the discarded food from guests’ plates, mush it together in a Christmas tree shape, freeze until Christmas.

-Use as projectiles to make Black Friday go a little smoother. “C’mon guys, lets leave, people are starting to throw gravy-filled water balloons. We can get a flat screen tv later, at full price. This isn’t worth it.” And then the line becomes one family shorter.

-Use as projectiles to make Any Time Shopping go a little smoother. “Hey, I just got hit by a hard, moldy yam! Let’s get out here, we can do our back to school shopping somewhere else!”

-If sister’s kids or pets were cuter than yours at Thanksgiving, use the leftovers to fatten up her kids and pets so yours will definitely be cuter at Christmas. 

-Buy no other food and merely live off the leftovers for as long as possible, thus really sticking it to grocery stores and restaurants that usually have such a monopoly on the whole “need food to survive” thing.

Let's See

I hate to admit it, but I am near-sighted and need to wear glasses. I tried switching to contacts, it didn't work. Apparently my survival instinct is really high and I can't stomach sticking my finger in my eyeball multiple times a day. And laser eye surgery isn’t really an option because lasers are for things like death rays, and because lasers should always be pointed away from the eyes. Any label knows that. So, I’ve learned to cope with my glasses.

I am lucky because my eyes aren’t so terrible that I have to constantly wear glasses. Sure, my driver’s license says I need them to drive, but the MVA just doesn’t want to be held liable for any accidents. I mean, I can see the cars coming at me, all big and colorful. I just maybe couldn’t read their license plates. No big deal.

However, I do feel like I miss out on a lot of bumper stickers. Bumper sticker font is often too small to read no matter how severely I tailgate. And maybe it’s because I can’t read them, but it always seems like the good bumper stickers are hard to make out, while the asinine ones have big, bold, easy-to-read lettering. Like those old “MEAN PEOPLE SUCK” bumper stickers. So easy to read, but such a bad message! Mean people are some of the funniest people around! Plus, by saying a certain type of person “sucks” you’re being pretty mean yourself. So do you suck, owners of that bumper sticker, or are you just hypocrites?

And don’t get me started on those new “bumper stickers” that go on minivan rear windows. You know, those stick figure decals of each family member all lined up that seem to say, “we’re such a fun, happy family we could have our own special on Nickelodeon Jr— and we have no problem with the fact that we’re so unoriginal a Hallmark employee managed to capture our essence in a stick figure.”  Why can’t those bumper stickers be the small ones and the funny stickers that say things like, “If yous kin reed this, thank a teecher,” be the big ones? Just because I have poor eyesight doesn’t mean I deserve to be subjected to the lame and spared from the insults to intellectuals! 

Now don’t get me wrong, I do like the popular belief that smart people wear glasses. I mean, in my case it’s just so accurate I can’t possibly find any fault with it. 

However, I do not like the popular belief that dorky people wear glasses. It makes no sense. Glasses don’t prevent me from picking up on social cues or wearing a bikini while riding a skateboard. Glasses are just a tool that make my eyes stronger and more effective. Is society trying to say that using tools to make yourself stronger and more effective is dorky? Because under that logic, Batman would be a pretty huge dork. And personally, I wouldn’t want to go around insulting someone who is good at punching and can basically fly. 

I’d also like to address the term “Four Eyes.” That is not an accurate description of the situation, nor does it make sense as an insult. My glasses go in front of my eyes and help me see, they are not another pair of eyes capable of independent sight. And if they were, that would be awesome. “Four Eyes” should be a compliment.

For argument’s sake, let’s say the first caveman to evolve opposable thumbs was called “Four Hands.” (This nickname would at least make sense because opposable thumbs are kind of like tiny hands that can grasp and carry.) Now, do you think this early-evolved caveman was insulted or complimented when he was called “Four Hands?” As in, “We should all follow ‘Four-Hands’ because of how much better he is at moving rocks and fighting predators.” Or, “Let’s give our first born to ‘Four Hands’ because he’ll be able to provide him with shelter and food.” Or, “I wish I could give a thumbs up like ‘Four Hands.’ Man, that guy is cool.”

So, I think it’s about time for society to reevaluate the way we look at glasses-wearers. Either that, or invent some kind of machine that is not scary and can painlessly fix my eyes. And it’s free. And it dispenses cotton candy (in case you’re nervous during the procedure). I think we all know which option is more practical. Get to work, medical science!