Tech Talk

Technology is advancing so quickly that I’m afraid I’ll soon be left behind, forced to ask the youth for help while they snicker and say confusing words, like “meme,” or “nyan cat.” What is that? A stuffed animal? Do they mean Nylon Cat? 

So, I figured I ought to write about technology while I still can. Let’s take a look at how technology has improved some of our favorite devices— before they become too complicated to use, and teenagers on skateboards make us scared to go out after dark.

Computers are getting faster, lighter, and making it even easier to subtly brag about things that are unfit for real life conversation— Wow, the passenger side airbag didn’t turn on even though you’re sitting in the passenger seat?! What a perfectly acceptable status update! Now I think you’re beautiful and skinny! Good thing you didn’t have to tell anyone about it in person cuz then you would have looked super dumb and kind of crazy! 

Let’s now turn our attention to one of mankind’s most beloved inventions; the television. I used to think the only way to improve the television was with the advent of some sort of remote control alarm that would help you find your lost remote. And while that’s a good idea (I call patent!) I was wrong. Televisions have found many other ways to improve. Tivo lets us fast forward commercials, On Demand lets us order movies directly to our TV, and high definition creates a picture so crisp and vivid that people with good vision won’t shut up about it. Those of us who wear glasses and haven’t had our prescription updated in four years aren’t as impressed, but it still seems pretty cool. 

Now, while it’s not quite technology related, I’d be remiss not to mention just how far television has advanced content-wise. There’s a new NBC workplace comedy about a vet’s office?! Are you fucking kidding me?! I predict a whole lot of baby animals dressed in people clothes!!! 

Getting back to technological advances, have you been inside a rich person’s car lately? Modern fancy cars can parallel park themselves, and they can stop without the driver hitting the breaks. So basically, cars can drive themselves now. The Jetsons’ space-cars couldn’t even do that. And sure, the Jetsons could drive through the air, but what good is driving through the air if you have to do all the work yourself? 

          “Honey, look how high up we are, isn’t it amazing?!”

          “Please don’t distract me, I have to concentrate on driving. In fact, I have to be extra alert

          because these clouds reduce visibility, and I’m pretty sure the birds are mad at us for invading

          their territory.”

So, yeah, I’d say we’ve surpassed the Jetsons on this one. And that’s not the only way we’ve beaten the Jetsons. Consider the Roomba. It’s just like Rosie, the Jetsons’ robot maid, only way better. Roomba can’t talk, thus Roomba cannot convince you to do the right thing, even though the wrong thing is more fun. (Looking at you, Rosie.) 

Plus, Roomba isn’t shaped like a human, so you’re less likely to feel empathy for it while it cleans up the chips you purposely smashed into the carpet because you bought the wrong kind. (Baked Tostitos are inedible.)

With so many great devices and innovations making our lives more convenient than ever, one can’t help but wonder, should we quit while we’re ahead? I mean, we’ve all seen the movies. If we keep advancing it’s only a matter of time until our microwaves and Kindles turn against us. However, I’d argue that we aren’t ready to quit just yet. I believe there are two things we need to accomplish before hanging up our hats. First, I would like someone to make a cell phone that can love me back. And second, I feel like there’s gotta be a way we can make massage chairs more affordable. Because, c’mon, somebody gimme one of those.