With the rise of digital news sources, the traditional newspaper has transformed from something that once graced every breakfast table with the current affairs of the world, to something that now sits underneath every breakfast table of families who just got a new puppy, or who have a very, very old dog and refuse to put diapers on him because c’mon, he might be old but he still has dignity.
Where did the traditional newspaper go wrong? Almost everywhere.
First off, actual newspapers are way too hard to get. Even if you have a daily subscription it’s not that easy to get your hands on one. Because you still have to go outside to get it. What if it’s cold out? What if it’s raining? What if your neighbor’s out there and he asks you what you’ve been up to, and you lie and tell him you have a job? Then you’ll have to pretend to go to work every day to avoid being exposed as a liar—and that involves waking up early every morning, which totally ruins the only good aspect of unemployment. Thanks a lot, traditional newspapers.
And getting a newspaper from a store is pretty much never going to happen. Mostly because places like grocery stores and Starbucks always stock their newspapers near the register, right next to the impulse-buy items. Hmm should I spend an extra dollar on the newspaper or a fancy brownie with both chocolate chips, and chocolate chunks in it? Real hard decision.
The impulse-buy economy centers around indulgence. Salty snacks, sugary candy coated in sour sugar, and mean-spirited gossip magazines about those who are richer and thinner than you—those are all great impulse-buy items. But not newspapers. Nobody has a gut instinct to read about famous people’s accomplishments, or innocent people dying, or the newest kind of flu that will probably kill you.
But stores are hardly the worst delivery method. What are traditional newspapers thinking with those street corner vending machines? I am never going to stick my hand in one of those. They are basically the size and shape of a urinal, only they’re more colorful, and you don’t have to be a customer of any establishment to use one. Oh, and instead of having plumbing, they have a nice little door to hold in the waste until it’s absorbed by the newspapers inside.
Even if you can manage to get ahold of a newspaper, it’s not that great. Newspapers are depressing. And I’m not even talking about their content, sometimes their content is really upbeat (zoo got a baby panda, annual neighborhood dog parade happened, human was rescued). What’s depressing is the physical newspaper itself. All gray and floppy. It’s like looking at a rainy day.
Newspapers are a constant source of frustration. Thanks to numerous images throughout popular cartoon culture, I have been left with the impression that children, talking animals, and imaginary tigers can make hats out of newspaper. But the truth is, a full grown adult woman, who actually considers herself pretty coordinated, cannot make a hat out of newspaper without ripping it – first by accident, and then on purpose, for vengeance.
And why are newspaper pages so big? People don’t like having to use their whole torso to turn pages. Make it like a book! Get some staples! Magazines managed to figure out! C’mon newspapers, if “Ok! The Magazine” can figure it out, surely you can too.
The fact that newspapers make excellent kindling, while helpful when camping, isn’t the best selling point-- Hey, guys! This stuff catches on fire really easily but you should still buy it and have no qualms about leaving it lying around your home near your loved ones and important documents!
What else is causing the end of the newspaper? The Cartoons. Stop it, Family Circus.
What can the traditional newspaper do to survive? Change a few things, that’s for sure. First off, find a delivery method that allows people to stay in bed to read your content. And make the newspapers smaller, preferably hand-held and able to fit in your robe pocket. (But don’t make the text any smaller or harder to read.) Make the paper less bland-looking with some bright colors and pictures that move. And maybe add some new sections, like one where people can check their email or post pictures of their children for their friends to see. That kind of newspaper would definitely sell.
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