Slight Recognition

A publication outside of this blog

One more joke

It's not really a video.

Life After Graduation

Upon graduating from college and moving to New York, I find myself quite unprepared for many aspects of semi-adulthood. I mean, I knew not having homework would rule. But apparently there’s more to self-sufficiency than that. To help illustrate my point, I’ve prepared excerpts of conversations from both my pre and post college days, and paired them side by side. Enjoy!

On Rest and Relaxation:
College Clara: “I was so tired from that awesome party last night, I totally slept through all my classes today!”
Present Clara: “I accidentally slept through business hours, so I couldn’t apply for a job today.”

On Diligence:
College Clara: “That class was so easy, I basically never went, barely studied for the exam, and guess what, l still got a B!”
Present Clara: “I think I didn’t get hired at that pizza place because I didn’t put enough effort into my cover letter.”

On Health:
College Clara: “I just signed up for student health insurance.”
Present Clara: “I just bought anti-bacterial soap.”

On Age:
College Clara: “Check out my fake ID! Sure looks real, huh?
Present Clara: “For lunch today I tried to say I was under 12 so I could eat for free at Fudruckers."

On Entertainment:
College Clara: “We didn’t feel like going to class, so we just stayed in and watched movies all day!”
Present Clara: “I just moved here and I don’t really know anybody yet, so I just stayed in and watched movies all day. Alone. With the lights off for some reason.”

On Food:
College Clara: “Guys, guys, check it out, I told that Dining Hall cashier that my cup is filled with water, but it’s really Sprite! Free Soda! High Five!”
Present Clara: “Today I realized I’m just that weird lady who steals Sprite from the neighborhood Chipotle.”

On Disturbance:
College Clara: “I can’t believe the R.A. gave us a hard time! I mean, these dorms are our home and we’re just trying to have a little fun. We aren’t even being that loud."
Present Clara: “I complained to the building manager that the 6 year old across the hall laughs and plays too loudly.”

On Interaction:
College Clara: “Sure is fun to be around all my friends constantly. Let’s stay young and happy forever. Especially happy.”
Present Clara: “Yes, I got an email! All right, Barnes and Noble coupons!!”

Paris Fashion Week

Maria Valentin reveals her new collection, including the revolutionary "Lady's Brass Knuckles" with accompanying clutch.

Stand up, for comedy

One Joke

Superhero: a short play

A young woman is walking down the street. A robber runs up to her and grabs her purse. The two struggle.

WOMAN: HELP! HELP! IS THERE ANYONE NEARBY WHO CAN HELP ME!

Our hero looks over and sees what’s happening. He twitches his nose and sniffs.

RATMAN: I smell trouble! This looks like a job for…Ratman!

With a series of little rapid steps he runs over to the robber and woman. He proceeds to beat up the robber, bites him, and takes the woman’s purse back.

WOMAN: You saved me! Thank you so much, how can I ever repay you, Rat – wait what did you say your name was?

RATMAN: Rrrratman!

WOMAN: Are you…are you committed to that name?

RATMAN: Yeah, of course! There’s nothing wrong with my name, it’s fitting.

WOMAN: Ew.

RATMAN: No, no, not because I carry diseases or anything like that. I only have the positive rat characteristics. I’m really really fast, and I have a great sense of smell. And sharp teeth!

WOMAN: Please don’t stand near me.

Scene 2:

Ratman enters the mayor’s office.

RATMAN: Hello Mayor.

MAYOR: Thank you for meeting me here, Ratman.

RATMAN: It’s alright, but I don’t know why we can’t ever meet at my place.

MAYOR: The Rat Cave..?

RATMAN: Yeah, I don’t know why you always refuse, it’s much more convenient. Do you know what it’s like to come up town at this time of day? I was in traffic for 45 minutes.

MAYOR: Listen, Ratman, we’ve got an emergency on our hands.

RATMAN: Alright, what’s going on?

Ratman starts to sit down.

MAYOR: Ooo, could you not sit there! It’s just that the upholstery’s really hard to clean. I mean, we just ended up throwing out the last chair you sat in.

RATMAN: Oh come on, do we have to go through this again? You don’t have to clean everything I touch; I only have the positive rat characteristics.

MAYOR: Uhhh, yeah, I know, just, well…better safe than sorry. Now, Ratman, The Exterminator has called in another threat to the city! He plans to pump the city’s drinking water full of cyanide.

RATMAN: (Gasps) Not The Exterminator again! From my very core emanates a deep pulsing hatred for that evil man.

MAYOR: Ooo, could you be careful where you step. We’ve laid out some newspapers, if you could try to just walk on those.

RATMAN: (Sighs) you know this is unnecessary.

MAYOR: I know, I know, but the cleaning staff doesn’t come in until Monday, and it costs extra to shampoo the carpets, you know how it is. Now, get out there and stop The Exterminator!

RATMAN: I’m on it!

Scene 3:

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, in the sewers below the city streets…

The Exterminator stands in the sewer. He has a large vat connected to a pump beside him.

EXTRMINATOR: I’ve got enough cyanide in this pump to kill half the city’s population! That’ll teach the other half to respect and fear me like they should!

Ratman drops into the sewer, The Exterminator doesn’t notice him.

EXTRMINATOR: I’ve got the hose hooked up to the main water line, and all I have left to do is flip the switch!

RATMAN: I don’t think you’ll be getting to that step, Exterminator.

EXTRMINATOR: Rrratman! I’d stay back if I were you. Beside me lies 3 tons of cyanide, or as you may know it, good old fashion rat poison.

RATMAN: Well, first of all, I only have the positive rat characteristics, so I’m just as susceptible to cyanide as you or anyone else. And since I don’t plan on eating any of your cyanide, it’s not a real threat to me…

EXTRMINATOR: Even if I placed it in this hunk of cheese!

RATMAN: Do rats even like cheese? You’re thinking of mice. Rats eat anything, especially garbage.

EXTRMINATOR: Ah ha! You sure know an awful lot about the disgusting eating habits of rats for someone who claims to only have the “positive” rat characterizes!

Exterminator throws the cheese at him and runs away.

Ratman drops to all fours and scurries after him. Exterminator manages to escape off stage.

RATMAN: Hmm, where did he go…

Ratman starts to sniff around in order to find him. He closes his eyes and lets his sniffing guide him.

The exterminator sneaks back on stage and approaches his vat and pump hook-up.

EXTRMINATOR: I’m afraid your characteristics have failed you, and the city, now!

He flips the switch and attempts to run away. Ratman scurries up to him and knocks him out with on punch, and then bites him. Hard. Ratman then struggles to pull the hose off the water pipe and tries to flip the switch back, but fails.

RATMAN: All locked! That blasted Exterminator! Well, there’s only one thing left to do. Good thing I have the positive rat characteristics!

He gets down on all fours and starts to gnaw away at the hose.

Scene 4:

Ratman emerges from the sewer onto the city streets. He is a bit dazed. A little girl and her mother stand near the manhole. The little girl has a fountain soda cup.

RATMAN: (breathing heavily) You’re safe now, drink up little girl.

He moves to put a hand on her shoulder. She screams.

MOTHER: Ugh, get away from us. Did you just crawl out of the sewer?

RATMAN: No, no, I’m Ratman!

MOTHER: Ew!

RATMAN: I just saved the whole city from the evil Exterminator!

MOTHER: Did you kill an exterminator down there? What is wrong with you?

RATMAN: Would you mind calling an ambulance…I’ve consumed a fair amount of poison.

Hobbies

Choosing a new hobby is always challenging. To aid readers in their decision making, I’ve developed an easy-to-use guide which lists the pros and cons of popular activities. Hope it helps!

Taking Karate classes:

Pro: Exercise has many health benefits.
Con: Exercise requires more effort than eating, watching tv, napping, or sleeping.

Pro: Would learn to defend self physically.
Con: Would learn nothing to defend self mentally or emotionally.

Pro: Would meet new people.
Con: People you meet will know how to effectively attack you.

Pro: The uniforms would keep you from repelling potential friends with your lack of style.
Con: Your numerous food stains will show up more easily on the white uniform.

Taking cooking classes:

Pro: Would learn a valuable skill.
Con: Would have to control self around food.

Pro: Would meet new people.
Con: Would have to control self around knives.

Pro: Would be able to eat better.
Con: Might no longer have use for previously purchased 64 bulk pack Ramen Noodles.

Pro: Would be able to contribute more than just drinks and napkins to potluck dinner parties.
Con: Would feel more spite/shame when not invited to potluck dinner parties.

Taking swimming classes:

Pro: Low impact exercise is good for joints.
Con: Might drown to death.

Pro: Being immersed in water is good for the skin.
Con: Being immersed in water is bad for the lungs.

Pro: Can pee while making eye contact with fellow swimmers.
Con: Can only assume everyone making eye contact with you is also peeing.

Pro: Some pools have slides.
Con: Would be reminded of outgrowing childhood fun while in line for the slide.

Getting a job:

Pro: Would be earning money.
Con: Would have to spend money on an alarm clock.

Pro: Would be contributing to society.
Con: In most cases, would miss Price is Right.

Pro: Would gain sense of self respect.
Con: Couldn’t wear same sweatpants everyday.

Pro: Would be able to fill in “work info” section on high school reunion form.
Con: Might have to change hilarious email address which looks so good on high school reunion form.

Taking up smoking:

Con: Would have to spend money on cigarettes.
Pro: Would get to take smoke breaks at work, school, social outings, family gatherings, etc.

Con: Secondhand smoke is bad for those around you.
Pro: Would always have an “ice breaker.”

Con: Would only have one free hand when doing things.
Pro: Would have something to do.

Con: Death, disease.
Pro: Looks cool; is something the popular kids tend to do.

Taking up shoplifting:

Con: Illegal.
Pro: Get free stuff.

Con: Would have to wear baggy clothes all the time.
Pro: Could wear same sweatpants everyday, as well as, acquire new softer and less tattered sweatpants.

Con: Might get caught.
Pro: Before that, could convince friends/family you have a job.

Con: People would want to borrow, or at least touch, some of the fancy stuff you’ve worked so hard to get.
Pro: Friends!

Joining a gang:

Con: Illegal.
Pro: Friends!

Con: Fellow members might be too aggressive.
Pro: Your angry tendency of slamming doors would no longer look like “problem behavior.”

Con: Might have to murder.
Pro: Get to experience new activities not found in ordinary daily life.

Con: Might get murdered.
Pro: Would be remembered as someone with lots of friends.