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Tech Talk

Technology is advancing so quickly that I’m afraid I’ll soon be left behind, forced to ask the youth for help while they snicker and say confusing words, like “meme,” or “nyan cat.” What is that? A stuffed animal? Do they mean Nylon Cat? 

So, I figured I ought to write about technology while I still can. Let’s take a look at how technology has improved some of our favorite devices— before they become too complicated to use, and teenagers on skateboards make us scared to go out after dark.

Computers are getting faster, lighter, and making it even easier to subtly brag about things that are unfit for real life conversation— Wow, the passenger side airbag didn’t turn on even though you’re sitting in the passenger seat?! What a perfectly acceptable status update! Now I think you’re beautiful and skinny! Good thing you didn’t have to tell anyone about it in person cuz then you would have looked super dumb and kind of crazy! 

Let’s now turn our attention to one of mankind’s most beloved inventions; the television. I used to think the only way to improve the television was with the advent of some sort of remote control alarm that would help you find your lost remote. And while that’s a good idea (I call patent!) I was wrong. Televisions have found many other ways to improve. Tivo lets us fast forward commercials, On Demand lets us order movies directly to our TV, and high definition creates a picture so crisp and vivid that people with good vision won’t shut up about it. Those of us who wear glasses and haven’t had our prescription updated in four years aren’t as impressed, but it still seems pretty cool. 

Now, while it’s not quite technology related, I’d be remiss not to mention just how far television has advanced content-wise. There’s a new NBC workplace comedy about a vet’s office?! Are you fucking kidding me?! I predict a whole lot of baby animals dressed in people clothes!!! 

Getting back to technological advances, have you been inside a rich person’s car lately? Modern fancy cars can parallel park themselves, and they can stop without the driver hitting the breaks. So basically, cars can drive themselves now. The Jetsons’ space-cars couldn’t even do that. And sure, the Jetsons could drive through the air, but what good is driving through the air if you have to do all the work yourself? 

          “Honey, look how high up we are, isn’t it amazing?!”

          “Please don’t distract me, I have to concentrate on driving. In fact, I have to be extra alert

          because these clouds reduce visibility, and I’m pretty sure the birds are mad at us for invading

          their territory.”

So, yeah, I’d say we’ve surpassed the Jetsons on this one. And that’s not the only way we’ve beaten the Jetsons. Consider the Roomba. It’s just like Rosie, the Jetsons’ robot maid, only way better. Roomba can’t talk, thus Roomba cannot convince you to do the right thing, even though the wrong thing is more fun. (Looking at you, Rosie.) 

Plus, Roomba isn’t shaped like a human, so you’re less likely to feel empathy for it while it cleans up the chips you purposely smashed into the carpet because you bought the wrong kind. (Baked Tostitos are inedible.)

With so many great devices and innovations making our lives more convenient than ever, one can’t help but wonder, should we quit while we’re ahead? I mean, we’ve all seen the movies. If we keep advancing it’s only a matter of time until our microwaves and Kindles turn against us. However, I’d argue that we aren’t ready to quit just yet. I believe there are two things we need to accomplish before hanging up our hats. First, I would like someone to make a cell phone that can love me back. And second, I feel like there’s gotta be a way we can make massage chairs more affordable. Because, c’mon, somebody gimme one of those.

A Guide To Summer Reading

Books are a fitting companion to any summer plans; whether you’re headed to the beach and need something to help you avoid your family, or you’re staying home and just need something to hold while you drink cocktails on the porch at 11am so nobody can call you a depressed alcoholic.

Below you’ll find a comprehensive guide to popular summer reading choices, along with some specific recommendations.

Classics --or-- Books you Pretended to Read in High School

These books can help you become a more learned person, and a better conversationalist.

Catcher in the Rye is a great choice because it will give you a deeper insight into that Jennifer Aniston movie where the love interest is named Holden Caulfield.

Reading any Dickens novel will provide you with more things to scream in a British accent. Instead of just “tea and crumpets, gov’ner?” you’ll be able to scream things like, “Sweep away thy cobwebberies!” Much more authentic.

A Streetcar Named Desire is a wonderful selection because carrying it around pretty much gives you license to yell “Stelllllaaa!” whenever you need some attention.

Flowers for Algernon will give you an appreciation for your lack of self-awareness. 

Books that are currently popular movies or TV shows

These books have a built in safety net in case you get too tired to finish!

The Game of Thrones Series is a great choice because you can enjoy the saga without paying for HBO. Additionally, if you read enough to get ahead of the show’s broadcast, you can ruin the cliffhangers for your friends who have HBO and haven’t yet volunteered to give you their HBO GO password. 

The Twilight books offer a great way to experience modern, sexy vampires without having to mess up your Netflix recommendations. Just because someone watches Twilight does not mean they would also enjoy “17 Again,”  “High School Musical 3,” or “Robsessed: Inside the Life of Robert Pattinson.”

Put aside your discomfort with children killing each other and pick up The Hunger Games Series. While these books might be horrifying and nightmare-inducing in content, they’re extremely popular. And you want to fit in, don’t you?

The 50 Shades of Gray Series

You might be surprised to learn that this book was originally written as Twilight Fan Fiction. 

But wait—does that mean 50 shades of Gray is for boy-crazy pre-teens who are just learning to read chapter books? No way! These are books for self-respecting adults, written by an intelligent person with a firm grasp of spelling and grammar!

When writing her Twilight Fan Fiction, 50 shades' author E.L. James used the pen name Snowqueens Icedragon, which is proof that she’s super smart. I’ve never even heard of an ice-dragon! I mean, I would think an ice-dragon would destroy itself every time it breathed fire-- but then again, I’m not a best-selling author! 

The fact that a work of literature can go from sexy vampire fan fiction to the top of the New York Times Bestseller list isn’t a sign of a cultural void within our society, rather it’s a sign of hope for every fan fiction writer who slaves over the computer, churning out new adventures for already popular and well-developed characters. In fact, E.L. James’ success is even a sign of hope for aspiring authors who don’t write fan fiction ...yet!

Mother's Day Thank You's

Hey Sally, thank you so much for the painting of me! It did wonders for myself esteem. Now, I’m gonna go make myself throw up that breakfast-in-bed because apparently I’m bigger than the house! 

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Kids, thank you so much for the fancy box of chocolates! I have no problem sharing, so don’t even worry about asking. Just go ahead and grab madly with your grubby little fingers as soon as I open the box. I’ll just have whatever’s left when you’re done. I sure hope you leave me all the gross ones with that weird tough vanilla fudge in the center! Oh, and thank you so much for putting the ones you bit and didn’t like back in the box.  More chocolate for mom!

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What a great idea to go out to brunch for mother’s day! Watching Katie roll her eyes at me and text her boyfriend from a different breakfast table is just the kind of family fun that makes me glad I married you and became a mom instead of moving to Paris with that art teacher who said I had real talent.

And while I did genuinely enjoy the look in the waiter’s eyes while he cleaned up Timmy’s spilt OJ for the second time, I’m not sure it’s worth the amount of spit and pee he most likely put in our coffee.

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Thanks for getting flowers delivered, Sean. Now I have something pretty to look at.  I’m glad our bond is so deep that you noticed I liked looking at things.

And it must have taken you a whole two minutes to go online and click the cheapest bouquet option! I really appreciate that because I know it’s hard for you to find time for me in between playing video games and drinking Robitussin for fun.

Ann Romney, Hard Worker

Ann Romney approaches the podium.

I have called this press conference to address the allegations made by democratic pundit Hillary Rosen who claims I have “never worked a day in my life.”

While I may have never held a formal job at a factory or a mill, I did raise five boys.  And not just any five boys. I raised five super-rich boys. If that’s not hard work, I don’t know what is!

I mean, keeping the house neat and tidy could have been a full time job of it’s own. Five super-rich boys can make quite a mess!  They leave their croquet mallets lying around, let their ponies walk through the house, leave old caviar sitting out— and I was responsible for making sure the housekeepers could handle all of that.

Do you know how hard it is to deal with a housekeeper when your youngest son's favorite cufflinks go missing? You have to file a police report, search through all the housekeepers’ things, and often times deal with a language barrier that can be very difficult to scream through.

And while not everybody has been to a super-rich boy’s birthday party, you can at least imagine how much work goes into it! The walk between the liger rides and the swimming pool filled with golden coins is at least a few acres! Walking that path in a pair of designer heels? Now that’s hard work!

And don’t get me started on the boys and their sports! It’s not easy to make your children appear good at lacrosse when all you have is power and money.  “Check my son again and your father loses his job!” is a difficult concept to get across to an 8-year-old. 

But when you work as a stay-at-home super-rich mom, you can’t crumple in the face of adversity. You just have to work even harder to come up with a solution. For example in Josh's case, we hired a bunch of child actors to form a fake lacrosse league and always let Josh win the game, and score all the goals, and choose all the toppings on the celebratory post-game pizzas.

Oh, and do you think Hillary Rosen knows how many yacht names I have to keep track of as the mother of 5 super-rich boys? Just a hint Rosen, it’s way more than 5! 

There’s the “Patrician,” the “Class and Grace,” the “Wealthy Lad’s Companion,” the “I Promised My Dead Butler I’d Name a Yacht After Him But I Never Learned His Real Name,” “Romney’s Ark,” and so, so many more.

But I’m not here to prove that I’ve memorized yacht names. And I’m not here to complain about how hard I worked raising my super-rich family. That was the career choice I made.  Sure, I could have chosen to be a lawyer who works long hours and never sees her kids, or a waitress who lives off of tips and leftover scraps from the kitchen, but I took a different path. And my path is no less noble, and certainly no less difficult-- which I think I've proven here tonight. 

Thank you.

Why Traditional Newspapers Won’t Last

With the rise of digital news sources, the traditional newspaper has transformed from something that once graced every breakfast table with the current affairs of the world, to something that now sits underneath every breakfast table of families who just got a new puppy, or who have a very, very old dog and refuse to put diapers on him because c’mon, he might be old but he still has dignity.

 Where did the traditional newspaper go wrong? Almost everywhere. 

First off, actual newspapers are way too hard to get. Even if you have a daily subscription it’s not that easy to get your hands on one. Because you still have to go outside to get it. What if it’s cold out? What if it’s raining? What if your neighbor’s out there and he asks you what you’ve been up to, and you lie and tell him you have a job? Then you’ll have to pretend to go to work every day to avoid being exposed as a liar—and that involves waking up early every morning, which totally ruins the only good aspect of unemployment. Thanks a lot, traditional newspapers.

And getting a newspaper from a store is pretty much never going to happen. Mostly because places like grocery stores and Starbucks always stock their newspapers near the register, right next to the impulse-buy items. Hmm should I spend an extra dollar on the newspaper or a fancy brownie with both chocolate chips, and chocolate chunks in it? Real hard decision.

The impulse-buy economy centers around indulgence. Salty snacks, sugary candy coated in sour sugar, and mean-spirited gossip magazines about those who are richer and thinner than you—those are all great impulse-buy items. But not newspapers. Nobody has a gut instinct to read about famous people’s accomplishments, or innocent people dying, or the newest kind of flu that will probably kill you. 

But stores are hardly the worst  delivery method. What are traditional newspapers thinking with those street corner vending machines? I am never going to stick my hand in one of those. They are basically the size and shape of a urinal, only they’re more colorful, and you don’t have to be a customer of any establishment to use one. Oh, and instead of having plumbing, they have a nice little door to hold in the waste until it’s absorbed by the newspapers inside. 

Even if you can manage to get ahold of a newspaper, it’s not that great. Newspapers are depressing. And I’m not even talking about their content, sometimes their content is really upbeat (zoo got a baby panda, annual neighborhood dog parade happened, human was rescued). What’s depressing is the physical newspaper itself. All gray and floppy. It’s like looking at a rainy day. 

Newspapers are a constant source of frustration. Thanks to numerous images throughout popular cartoon culture, I have been left with the impression that children, talking animals, and imaginary tigers can make hats out of newspaper. But the truth is, a full grown adult woman, who actually considers herself pretty coordinated, cannot make a hat out of newspaper without ripping it – first by accident, and then on purpose, for vengeance.

And why are newspaper pages so big? People don’t like having to use their whole torso to turn pages. Make it like a book! Get some staples! Magazines managed to figure out! C’mon newspapers, if “Ok! The Magazine” can figure it out, surely you can too. 

The fact that newspapers make excellent kindling, while helpful when camping, isn’t the best selling point-- Hey, guys! This stuff catches on fire really easily but you should still buy it and have no qualms about leaving it lying around your home near your loved ones and important documents!  

What else is causing the end of the newspaper? The Cartoons. Stop it, Family Circus.  

What can the traditional newspaper do to survive? Change a few things, that’s for sure. First off, find a delivery method that allows people to stay in bed to read your content. And make the newspapers smaller, preferably hand-held and able to fit in your robe pocket. (But don’t make the text any smaller or harder to read.) Make the paper less bland-looking with some bright colors and pictures that move. And maybe add some new sections, like one where people can check their email or post pictures of their children for their friends to see. That kind of newspaper would definitely sell.

New Rules For Old Board Game

Scrabble

If you can make your opponent too insecure to challenge your fake words, you’ve won the game. 

If a player is winning by more than 150 points, proper nouns and phrases will be accepted from all other players—given that those proper nouns and phrases insult the winning player. i.e. Mr. LuckyTiles, Captain Fatty, Guess Who Isn’t Invited To The Next Game Night.  

If you successfully trick players into thinking you have a blank tile when really you’ve just flipped over a regular tile, you’ve won the game. If the tile you flipped was a hard to play tile (Q, X, or Z) then the results of the 3 most pervious games (within the past 10 years) are altered to make you the winner. 

Blank tiles played may be challenged. However, if a challenge is incorrect, the challenger must trade in all their tiles and replace them with Q’s, X’s, and Z’s.

Monopoly

In order to speed the game up, players no longer take turns, but rather wrestle the dice away from each other and go at will. To really speed things up, dice from other board games may be incorporated, and more than one player can go at once. 

Instead of calculating how much an opponent owes you when they land on your property, you get 3 seconds to grab as much of their cash as possible. 

Whoever chooses the dog figurine as their game piece gets an addition $500 for being the best piece. 

Whoever chooses the iron figurine as their game piece gets an addition $100 in an effort to raise their self-esteem. At distribution, have the banker say something like: “Because you earned it!” or “This is the special prize for the prettiest girl.”

Chess

Instead of a game of logic and strategy this version of Chess becomes a game of creativity and artistry. Players use pieces to reenact either the royal wedding, an episode of Game of Thrones, or the Leonardo DiCaprio version of Romeo and Juliet. Players are allowed to venture outside of popular culture for their reenactment, but they risk alienating the audience. This is a dangerous move as winners are determined by audience applause.

Trivial Pursuit

Whoever throws this game out wins.