Watch Me Dive

New Rules For Old Board Game

2012-01-18T16:30:00.000-05:00

Scrabble

If you can make your opponent too insecure to challenge your fake words, you’ve won the game.

If a player is winning by more than 150 points, proper nouns and phrases will be accepted from all other players—given that those proper nouns and phrases insult the winning player. i.e. Mr. LuckyTiles, Captain Fatty, Guess Who Isn’t Invited To The Next Game Night.

If you successfully trick players into thinking you have a blank tile when really you’ve just flipped over a regular tile, you’ve won the game. If the tile you flipped was a hard to play tile (Q, X, or Z) then the results of the 3 most pervious games (within the past 10 years) are altered to make you the winner.

Blank tiles played may be challenged. However, if a challenge is incorrect, the challenger must trade in all their tiles and replace them with Q’s, X’s, and Z’s.

Monopoly

In order to speed the game up, players no longer take turns, but rather wrestle the dice away from each other and go at will. To really speed things up, dice from other board games may be incorporated, and more than one player can go at once.

Instead of calculating how much an opponent owes you when they land on your property, you get 3 seconds to grab as much of their cash as possible.

Whoever chooses the dog figurine as their game piece gets an addition $500 for being the best piece.

Whoever chooses the iron figurine as their game piece gets an addition $100 in an effort to raise their self-esteem. At distribution, have the banker say something like: “Because you earned it!” or “This is the special prize for the prettiest girl.”

Chess

Instead of a game of logic and strategy this version of Chess becomes a game of creativity and artistry. Players use pieces to reenact either the royal wedding, an episode of Game of Thrones, or the Leonardo DiCaprio version of Romeo and Juliet. Players are allowed to venture outside of popular culture for their reenactment, but they risk alienating the audience. This is a dangerous move as winners are determined by audience applause.

Trivial Pursuit

Whoever throws this game out wins.

Zipping Around Town

2011-12-05T09:16:00.000-05:00

Zip Car gets to strut around like they’re something special. With their washed cars free of sticky cup holders and extensive body damage. But Zip Car isn’t all maintenance and new car smell. Remember all those times you thought you found that one open parking space, right up front, that somehow everyone else missed? But when you got up there, it wasn’t an available spot, was it?

And Zip Car isn’t just unfair to outsiders looking for a good parking spot, the service is also unfair to members. I know this because, though it pains me, I am a Zip Car member. Look, I’m sorry, but sometimes I just finished eating a burrito and I don’t want to propel my bike and body weight up any hills, or even across any flat surfaces. (If it was all down hill, all the time, Zip Car would be out of business.)

Zip Car misleads customers by painting themselves as the simple, stress-free car rental experience. Oh, how convenient, the closest car is about a mile from my house and it’s a pickup truck! And don’t worry, if the truck’s checked out, I can just walk two more miles to the next Zip Car! Often times the only reason I want a Zip Car is because it’s raining. Now look at me. Soaked.

Even after you finally arrive at your Zip Car, you still can’t relax. You have to get into this unfamiliar car, adjust the mirrors somehow, find the windshield wiper controls, figure out why the doors aren’t locking— all while being screamed at by anger-rap and vibrating slightly from the bass because apparently the pervious driver was hard of hearing and mad about it.

And actually driving the Zip Car isn’t any better. Time after time I find myself driving down the road, terrified of new blind spots, trying to figure out how to turn off my brights, and then it hits me! I forgot to look for and report any damage before I started driving! If the previous driver dented the door or something I’m going to have to pay for it. Plus, if I cause any damage I’m going to have to pay for that too because I didn’t remember to report any fake damage in my usual “problem areas” (rear bumper, front fender corners).

Returning the Zip Car is no simple matter. The car must be returned to the original parking space it was picked up from. So, you cannot drive to meet your friends at a movie, park at another Zip Car spot, and forget about the car forever. Instead, you can park the car, keep paying for it while you watch the movie, tell that boy you like you can’t ride home with him because you have to return the Zip Car to it’s original space, and then drive back to the original space— at which point you can finally stop paying for the car.

Now, I must admit, there are some positives to Zip Car. You don’t have to talk to, or be seen by, anyone in order to use the service. Signing up and renting out a car is all done online. And picking up the car requires no human interaction, you just swipe your card. It’s great if, for example, you haven’t changed out of your night clothes in three days and you just want to go to the grocery store really quick to get some more ice cream because, if we look at your pants, you clearly spilled quite a bit of your previous ice cream and probably didn’t get your fill.

Oh, another great thing about Zip Car is that their luxury cars don’t display the logo anywhere. So whoever sees you pulling out of the high school reunion parking lot will be much more likely to believe that you actually are a wealthy Google Brain Surgeon. And they thought there was no such thing and that you were an idiot.

Although I’m pretty much against Zip Car, I will continue to use it. I mean, what am I going to do, buy a car? Figure out the bus schedule? Just stay my room, under the covers, and have my groceries delivered? While that last option does seem ideal (especially if I had Netflix), I think we all know I can’t do that. Sooner or later, I’ll stop getting out of bed to open the door for the grocery delivery man and I’ll die of starvation. Thus, Zip Car is a necessary evil in my life.

Love Is a Curious Thing

2011-11-29T14:37:00.000-05:00

The Power of Love:

Can cause you to sing from the rooftops.

Cannot improve your musical ability or balance.

Can enable you to lift a car to free your trapped baby.

Cannot enable you to pry open the locked doors of a 7-11 to get your favorite candy bar.

Can turn you into a poet.

Cannot make others enjoy people who refer to themselves as poets.

Can give you realistic visions of fireworks exploding in the night sky.

Cannot give you realistic visions of fireworks exploding in big bowls of pudding.

Can make you a more generous person.

Cannot lower the price of anything.

Can make you cry.

Cannot stop you from crying once someone enters the room.

Can bring you to your knees.

Cannot help you grow several feet taller and intimidate the object of your affection into loving you back.

What To Do With Thanksgiving Leftovers

2011-11-28T13:56:00.001-05:00

-Use them as a passive aggressive way to find out who actually liked your stuffing. "Don't you want to take some stuffing home with you, Mom? Oh, just one scoop. I see."

-Save at least one plate exactly as it was left on the table-- obscene mashed potato sculpture, bits of broken glass, tear-stained napkin and all-- as a reminder of why smaller, separate tables are better than one big table the whole extended family can sit at together.

-Passive aggressively tell your sister that her green bean casserole was terrible while giving your dog a healthy treat!

-Make sandwiches. Sure everyone makes leftover turkey sandwiches, but what are you supposed to do when the only thing left is cranberry sauce? Make another turkey? Nope, just slather that stuff between some bread and pack it for lunch! (Ideally, pack it for someone else’s lunch.)

-Collect the discarded food from guests’ plates, mush it together in a Christmas tree shape, freeze until Christmas.

-Use as projectiles to make Black Friday go a little smoother. “C’mon guys, lets leave, people are starting to throw gravy-filled water balloons. We can get a flat screen tv later, at full price. This isn’t worth it.” And then the line becomes one family shorter.

-Use as projectiles to make Any Time Shopping go a little smoother. “Hey, I just got hit by a hard, moldy yam! Let’s get out here, we can do our back to school shopping somewhere else!”

-If sister’s kids or pets were cuter than yours at Thanksgiving, use the leftovers to fatten up her kids and pets so yours will definitely be cuter at Christmas.

-Buy no other food and merely live off the leftovers for as long as possible, thus really sticking it to grocery stores and restaurants that usually have such a monopoly on the whole “need food to survive” thing.

Let's See

2011-11-21T10:53:00.000-05:00

I hate to admit it, but I am near-sighted and need to wear glasses. I tried switching to contacts, it didn't work. Apparently my survival instinct is really high and I can't stomach sticking my finger in my eyeball multiple times a day. And laser eye surgery isn’t really an option because lasers are for things like death rays, and because lasers should always be pointed away from the eyes. Any label knows that. So, I’ve learned to cope with my glasses.

I am lucky because my eyes aren’t so terrible that I have to constantly wear glasses. Sure, my driver’s license says I need them to drive, but the MVA just doesn’t want to be held liable for any accidents. I mean, I can see the cars coming at me, all big and colorful. I just maybe couldn’t read their license plates. No big deal.

However, I do feel like I miss out on a lot of bumper stickers. Bumper sticker font is often too small to read no matter how severely I tailgate. And maybe it’s because I can’t read them, but it always seems like the good bumper stickers are hard to make out, while the asinine ones have big, bold, easy-to-read lettering. Like those old “MEAN PEOPLE SUCK” bumper stickers. So easy to read, but such a bad message! Mean people are some of the funniest people around! Plus, by saying a certain type of person “sucks” you’re being pretty mean yourself. So do you suck, owners of that bumper sticker, or are you just hypocrites?

And don’t get me started on those new “bumper stickers” that go on minivan rear windows. You know, those stick figure decals of each family member all lined up that seem to say, “we’re such a fun, happy family we could have our own special on Nickelodeon Jr— and we have no problem with the fact that we’re so unoriginal a Hallmark employee managed to capture our essence in a stick figure.” Why can’t those bumper stickers be the small ones and the funny stickers that say things like, “If yous kin reed this, thank a teecher,” be the big ones? Just because I have poor eyesight doesn’t mean I deserve to be subjected to the lame and spared from the insults to intellectuals!

Now don’t get me wrong, I do like the popular belief that smart people wear glasses. I mean, in my case it’s just so accurate I can’t possibly find any fault with it.

However, I do not like the popular belief that dorky people wear glasses. It makes no sense. Glasses don’t prevent me from picking up on social cues or wearing a bikini while riding a skateboard. Glasses are just a tool that make my eyes stronger and more effective. Is society trying to say that using tools to make yourself stronger and more effective is dorky? Because under that logic, Batman would be a pretty huge dork. And personally, I wouldn’t want to go around insulting someone who is good at punching and can basically fly.

I’d also like to address the term “Four Eyes.” That is not an accurate description of the situation, nor does it make sense as an insult. My glasses go in front of my eyes and help me see, they are not another pair of eyes capable of independent sight. And if they were, that would be awesome. “Four Eyes” should be a compliment.

For argument’s sake, let’s say the first caveman to evolve opposable thumbs was called “Four Hands.” (This nickname would at least make sense because opposable thumbs are kind of like tiny hands that can grasp and carry.) Now, do you think this early-evolved caveman was insulted or complimented when he was called “Four Hands?” As in, “We should all follow ‘Four-Hands’ because of how much better he is at moving rocks and fighting predators.” Or, “Let’s give our first born to ‘Four Hands’ because he’ll be able to provide him with shelter and food.” Or, “I wish I could give a thumbs up like ‘Four Hands.’ Man, that guy is cool.”

So, I think it’s about time for society to reevaluate the way we look at glasses-wearers. Either that, or invent some kind of machine that is not scary and can painlessly fix my eyes. And it’s free. And it dispenses cotton candy (in case you’re nervous during the procedure). I think we all know which option is more practical. Get to work, medical science!

What Should You Be For Halloween?

2011-10-26T10:07:00.004-04:00

Scary Costumes

Examples: Grim reaper, Zombie, Your future self stuck in the same dead-end job, with less hair, and apparently that rash didn’t just go away on it’s own.

Pros: Satisfaction of being true to the Halloween spirit. It's fun scaring people.

Cons: When children run from you screaming you’ll feel accomplished, but the subconscious effect will be much less positive.

Sexy Costumes

Examples: Nurse, Fairy, Turtle Without Its Shell

Pros: Won’t get over heated in crowded bars. Also, attention!

Cons: Might get really cold. EMTs will take you less seriously when responding to your alcohol poisoning.

Word Play Costumes

Examples: Cereal killer (serial killer), Hot tea (hottie), A gift box with label reading, “To: Women From: God” (annoying person)

Pros: People will call you clever!

Cons: You’ll struggle with your conscience at each and every compliment as you fail to tell people you didn’t think of the costume on your own, but rather Googled, “clever Halloween costumes.”

Your Own Regular Clothes Costumes

Examples: Average Joe, Commuter, Poor Sport

Pros: Easy, comfortable, inexpensive.

Cons: Chance you'll feel left out. People may withhold free drinks because they think you aren't really dressed up.

Obscure Costumes

Examples: 1987 Denver Nuggets third string point guard, The brother from Clarissa Explains it All, That guy from that dream you had once.

Pros: Feel superior to others for knowing more than them.

Cons: Waste a lot of time researching detailed info that will never be useful again.

TV or Movie Character Costumes

Examples: Bart Simpson, Someone from Star Trek/Wars, You if you had applied yourself.

Pros: Costumes are premade and easy to find, so all you have to do is go to the store the night before Halloween and shell out some money.

Cons: Might get sued for character defamation because of eating all that Taco Bell in public while dressed as a celebrity.

Popular Party Games

2011-10-24T10:38:00.000-04:00

Host’s Food Eating Contest

Who can make the most host’s food disappear without getting caught? Remember, despite the name of the game, you don’t actually have to eat the food. You just have to ruin it.

Some options include stealing food, mixing different foods together and then daring people to consume your concoction, throwing food at other guests—either blatantly as a food fight, or secretly as a surprise for guests to find in their clothes and hair the next morning.

But you might just want to go ahead and eat because few things are as satisfying as being drunk and having access to mass amounts of free food.

Disqualification: You throw up any amount of the host’s food.

Bonus points: Find and devour the expensive chocolates/rare and exotic truffles/endangered condor eggs that the host clearly tried to hide from drunk guests.

Beer Pong Distraction

This game is challenging to your imagination and bravery, yet simple in form. All you do is walk up to the beer pong table and try to make players miss their shots. There’s no signing up, no waiting for a turn, and no choosing an allegiance. Why ruin the game for just one team, when you could be ruining it for everyone?

Pretty much anything is fair game outside of attacking players and/or cups. From making noises to starting fires and from pretending the cops have arrived to faking a heart attack, it’s all in bounds if it makes a player mess up.

Disqualification: Somebody hits you in the face.

Bonus points: A player gets so mad he hits the table/wall/his partner with such force it knocks over his team’s cups. Be very careful, it is difficult to pull off this maneuver without getting disqualified.

Create A Bathroom

This game is great for both those who have to go to the bathroom and those who don’t. Though it’s especially great if you do have to go to the bathroom. There are few rules; just create a bathroom by doing your business somewhere that isn’t traditionally a bathroom. Points are awarded for originality and daring, so don’t just settle for some private corner of the yard. Consider the front steps, a corner of the bedroom, someone’s shoes, anywhere, just be creative!

If you’re reluctant to play because you’re “polite,” or “friends with the host,” I have a feeling you’ll change your mind at some point while you’re suffering in the ridiculously slow real-bathroom line.

Disqualification: Bathroom created in pants.

Bonus points: Poop.

Pizza Kingdom

2011-10-21T10:02:00.002-04:00

DOUG: Welcome to Pizza Kingdom.

CUSTOMER 1: Hi, I’d like 2 plain slices.

DOUG: Excuse me, but that is no way to address a king!

CUSTOMER 1: Huh?

DOUG: You come into my kingdom, don’t bow or humble yourself in any manner, yet go so far as to expect me to serve you!

CUSTOMER 1: Listen, I’m starving, can I just have 2 slices?

DOUG: Ugh, I am so tired of the hungry masses crawling to my feet to grovel and complain! If you are starving, petition your lord to increase your rations! This is hardly a matter for the king. How did you get past the guards?

CUSTOMER 1: What guards? Ah, whatever, I’ll just go across the street.

DOUG: Rather rude! Note to self: Find out who her lord is and take some of his land as penance. Hello, and welcome to Pizza Kingdom.

CUSTOMER 2: Hey, how’s it going? Uh...lemme get that spinach and mushroom piece there.

DOUG: You are quite bold indeed, to make demands upon a king!

CUSTOMER 2: Ha ha. Nice act, very funny. Spinach and mushroom please.

DOUG: These peasants disgust me, with their meager vegetable subsistence and slovenly dress.

CUSTOMER 2: Hey, c’mon pal, what gives?!

MANAGER: Is there a problem here?

DOUG: No sir, sorry sir.

CUSTOMER 2: This kid won’t give me my pizza!

MANAGER: Doug! How many times do have to tell you...to address me as Sire.

DOUG: Forgive me, Sire.

CUSTOMER 2: Oh for crying out loud!

MANAGER: It’s alright, Doug. You’re just a young king. Soon you’ll be more versed in the royal ways. Now, who is this mere serf, and how did he get past the guards?

CUSTOMER 2: What guards? And how can you both be king? Shouldn’t he be a prince or something?

DOUG: Insolent subject!

CUSTOMER 2: Alright, alright. Your majesties, would you bestow upon me the right to purchase some pizza from you?

MANAGER: Bargaining with Kings?! How dare you?! I banish thee! Out! Out, I say!

CUSTOMER 2: Fine, forget you guys.

MANAGER: I’ll be on my throne if you need me.

CUSTOMER 3: Hi there, I need to order 3 large pizzas.

DOUG: Is this for some sort of feast?

CUSTOMER 3: Heh, yeah, kinda. I’m from Book Empire down the road, and it’s our manager’s birthday, so--

DOUG: ...Book Empire... INTRUDER! INTRUDER!

CUSTOMER 3: Whoa, hold on a second.

MANAGER: Man your battle stations!

DOUG: Bring up the drawbridge!

MANAGER: Seal off the Queen’s chambers!

CUSTOMER 3: What is going on?! Hey, hey, don’t throw straws at me! HEY, don’t throw pizza! I’m out of here!

DOUG: We are victorious! …We should imprison those guards.

Fun in the Fall

2011-10-19T09:28:00.001-04:00

Fall has a lot going against it. School starts, it’s cold but there’s no possibility of snow, my birthday isn’t in the fall, the plant life dies, the birds start to fly away, the name of the season implies a terrible accident, the list goes on and on. But there are some good aspects of the season, you just have to dig a little deeper to find them.

Fall is the perfect season to make yourself appear smarter. It provides the opportunity for simple changes in vocabulary that can make you seem like quite the well-read intellectual. All you have to do is refer to regular old leaves as foliage, call the weather brisk instead of kinda cold, speak of mulled cider instead of Juicy Juice, and always call the season autumn as opposed to Fall. And before you know it people will be asking you grammar questions and recruiting you for trivia night.

Due to tea, sweaters, and blankets general coziness skyrockets in autumn. The same blankets that you kicked off in a sweaty rage just a few nights ago will suddenly become sought after companions for evening TV time. And even better, all day TV time is much more socially acceptable in the cold weather of autumn. You don’t have to feel lazy for curling up with a hot tea and watching hours and hours of TV because what else are you supposed to do? Go outside and freeze to death?

Corresponding nicely, autumn features the return of new episodes of beloved TV shows, as well as brand new shows to explore and judge! And not only will this grant you lots of fun at home, but work will be more fun too. Water cooler conversation is about to get meaningful. Instead of silence or that same old conversation about Styrofoam cups, you and your co-workers will share genuine laughter over what happened on last night’s Parks and Rec. Thus, I think it’s fair to say that autumn promotes human relationships. Oh, and people sweat much less in autumn than in summer, which is pretty good for human relationships as well.

Once you’ve exhausted everything on Hulu, apple picking is a great autumn activity. You get some fresh air, you get to buy fruit without standing in line at the grocery store behind an old person who accidentally got in the self checkout aisle and won’t figure out how to ring up their apples for at least 17 minutes. As another bonus, apple orchards are littered with soft, or rotting, apples. These are great for stomping, kicking while yelling ‘APPLESAUSE!’ and surreptitiously wiping on fellow apple pickers who look like they’re having more fun than you.

Don’t let a good leaf pile pass you by this autumn. When you see a quality pile, slam on the brakes, run out of the car, leap into the air and ruin the hard work of others with your landing, subsequent rolling around, and attempts at making leaf-angles. Your joy will be enhanced as other drivers slow down and stare at you with envy over your carefree childlike spirit. It might look like they’re staring at you with confusion or judgment, but trust me, it’s envy. Those who yell at you to get your car out of the middle of the street are especially envious.

Don’t be a sucker and build your own leaf pile to jump in. Just remember, neighbor’s leaves are for jumping in, your leaves are for collecting in the gutters and sitting in the yard until they rot and become part of the soil. Unless of course your landlord rakes your leaves. Then, by all means, get in there.

Be warned, leaf piles sometimes contain rocks. But, leaf piles also sometimes contain money or other prizes that have fallen out of the leaf-raker’s pockets. So I’d say jump in with gusto. Consider going in headfirst so you can see the prizes more easily. Plus if your landlord rakes your leaves you can probably sue him for any resulting concussions or stitches.

After investigating the season more thoroughly, it would appear there are lots of good things about autumn. The possibility of money, homemade applesauce, TV—those are all huge pluses in my book. But, I mean, c’mon autumn, have you even heard of sledding? I’m sorry but none of this competes with sledding.

CEO Etiquette

2011-10-13T10:07:00.000-04:00

For the past five years, my greatest fear at Netflix has been that we wouldn't make the leap from success in DVDs to success in streaming. Most companies that are great at something – like AOL dialup or Borders bookstores – do not become great at new things people want (streaming for us). --Excerpt, apology email from Netflix CEO Reed Hastings to all customers.

Dear Reed Hastings,

I always considered us to be on friendly terms. So imagine my surprise upon opening your most recent email. Let me paint you a picture.

I sat down at the computer, put on my glasses and said, “Oh, an email from Reed! He’s probably writing to converse CEO to CEO—or I guess CEO to ex-CEO now. Maybe he’s writing to offer me his condolences about my beloved Borders going under. It’s a dark time for me, and I appreciate any and all support. Or maybe he has a new project he wants to bring me in on! Yes, that’s probably it, he wants to help me out while I’m down.” But that wasn’t it. You just wanted to kick me, and Borders, while we were down.

The Halloween stores that rented our old buildings haven’t even moved in yet, and you’re already taking cheap shots. And lumping us in with AOL? Low blow. It’s not like we became uncool, we just went out of business. Plenty of companies go out of business! And we went out quietly, we didn’t drag down Time Warner or anybody else.

And it’s not like you’re some savvy, intelligent businessman. Emailing all your customers and admitting a mistake? I must have missed Harvard Business Review’s article on that brilliant strategy. And come on, you’re renting movies. It must be sooooo hard to get people interested in the product of a billion dollar industry—a product that focuses on things like true love, explosions, and jokes. Borders was selling books. Do you know what books are about? Things like tax reform law and how to cope with depression. Try selling those, Hastings!

Are you attacking me because it looked like I couldn’t remember your wife’s name at the Helicopter and Scotch CEO party last year? Because you know my mouth was full, I had just been hand-fed like seven or eight grapes. Her name is Barbara! And, as I’ve explained many times, earlier in the party I did say, “Good one, Babs!’ while we pelted the help with golden coins. …Sigh, I’m going to miss those parties.

You look fat in your youtube video, by the way.

Best,

Mike Edwards

Borders Ex-CEO

Baseball

2011-10-11T10:21:00.000-04:00

I have attended two professional baseball games within the last month. I didn’t know much about baseball before going to the games. I mean, I knew the basics like three strikes and you’re out, peanuts and cracker jacks are everywhere, and you shouldn’t run on the field no matter how fun it looks or how fast you think you are. During the games I learned loads more about baseball stuff like sacrifice bunts, balking on the pitch, and just how many security guards they have to keep people from running onto the field. But the more I learned the more questions I had. It seems baseball is a rather complicated game.

First off, I don’t understand the economy inside a baseball stadium. Now I’m no economic expert (if I were, I’d be making way more topical jokes right now) but I do know there is something wrong with an economy where men are hired to walk about offering me salted nuts and giant foam hands, and vendors sell chicken fingers for no less than $10. I could get the cheapest meal on the menu at a fancy restaurant for $10! And are we all just pretending we don’t know how much a beer costs outside of this enclosure? Everyone is fine with what’s happening, and nobody wants to leave and go to a bar? I don’t understand this business model, and I don’t agree with it. And it kills me that I supported it. But what was I supposed to do, just sit there and not get drunk?

I didn’t get a free t-shirt out of the t-shit gun at either game. So, I hate the t-shirt gun and those who invented it. How’d they even come up with such a stupid idea anyway? “Let’s see, we have 7 free t-shirts and 30,000 fans, what’s the most reasonable and fair way to distribute these shirts? We don’t want to incite a riot, but we want to get close—for team spirit. It’s going to be a delicate balance. Hmm … how about…how about a gun? We can shoot the t-shirts, like bullets, into the crowd of children and drunken adults and let them fight it out. Also, let’s make sure the t-shirts are all XXL so they are of no use to anyone. It’ll keep the winners hungry.”

I have a lot of questions about the Jumbotron. If I’ve been on the Jumbotron, can I tell people at cocktail parties and job interviews that I’ve been on TV? I’d argue that more people watch the Jumbotron than most educational television shows. And the actors on those shows get to walk around like they’re something special, so why can’t I?

Hey, Jumbotron, why isn’t the score the biggest number on the scoreboard? Apparently “The Count,” is shown as the biggest number. Is the count more important than the score? Can a team with a lower score actually win the game because of their great count? No. Unlike the rest of written language, text size has no significance in baseball. And even worse, the score isn’t listed under the letter ‘S’ because that would be too obvious, instead it’s hiding under the letter ‘R.’ Baseball really isn’t looking out for the beginner spectator.

But they’re also not really looking out for the players. Every time a player goes up to bat, his picture goes up on the Jumbotron. Seems like it’d be distracting to have a huge photo of yourself looming over the stadium while you try to hit a rock traveling at 90mph with a stick. Plus, the players’ pictures are rarely flattering. They’re the kind of poorly lit close-up headshot where you can tell the photographer gave really unclear directions about whether the player should smile or sort of just bare his teeth and look like he wants to go home. Why put up these pictures and make players self-conscious? No other professions that deal with performance under pressure do that. It would be ridiculous, “Hey surgeon, just remember, you’re no looker! Seeeee? Okay, now carefully take out this guy’s heart.”

If I were in charge of baseball, there would be no giant pictures of players, the score would be displayed clearly, and free beers would float from the sky on parachutes made of free t-shirts. It would be glorious. Especially after I hired some people who knew about baseball, just to keep that part running smoothly. But there’s bound to be an adjustment period, so just bare with us and back off a little. Thanks.

In Case of Accidental Ingestion...

2011-09-30T09:33:00.000-04:00

Induce vomiting

Right away and wherever you are— at work, at the mall, at the rat poison warehouse, anywhere. Don’t be embarrassed, it’s much more important to get that printer ink, perfume sample, or rat poison out of your system than it is to look cool and un-vommity in front of your coworkers, that cute boy at Panda Express, or that cute boy at the rat poison sample table.

Drink a full glass of water

And don’t go in for a second bite until you put some jam, jelly, or at least some butter on that dry, dry double-toasted English muffin.

Contact the Poison Control Center

If they put you on hold, try emailing. If they don’t respond in a few days, and you feel okay and/or alive, you’re probably fine. If you don’t feel okay and/or alive, try emailing again, but with a less spammy subject line. The PCP has a pretty strict spam filter. Try to avoid subjects like, “Big Savings of My Life are Needed” or “Save Big –I’m overweight and my life’s in danger!” or “I Need PCP.” Those go straight to spam.

Seek medical attention immediately

And not the kind of medical attention where you just passively wait for your surgeon dad to notice your good grades. You just ingested poison, you might die. You should aggressively make sure your surgeon dad sees those good grades. His sense of pride and approval will really lift your spirits in these dark times. If your dad isn’t a surgeon, just show your good grades to any old doctor, having a respected member of the community act impressed with you will really lift your spirits in these dark times. If you don’t have good grades to flaunt, beat up a doctor. Beating up someone who thinks they’re so smart will definitely lift your spirits.

Stay Calm

Feeling worried about yourself is no excuse to make everyone put up with your crying and screaming. We’ll take you to the hospital as soon as we can, but the more we have to calm you down and comfort you, the longer it’s going to take to finish this monopoly game.

I Have a Moonbounce to Fit Into

2011-09-28T09:20:00.000-04:00

In two weeks my niece turns two. My sister has informed me there will be a moonbounce at the birthday party. A moonbounce with a weight limit of 99 pounds. My goal for the next two weeks? Drop my weight down to 99 pounds. (For concerned readers, and for my mom: I just need to lose 6 pounds, calm down.) Now, what’s the quickest, hippest way to lose weight that doesn’t involve surgery since I’m afraid of sharp things? Fad diets!

Without doing any research at all, the Atkins diet seems really fun. Especially if I’m around other people. I think I’d enjoy saying things like, “Oh, excuse me, I need to go get more bacon because I’m watching my weight.” Or “Instead of toast with my eggs, can I have a rotisserie pig? But would you mind taking the apple out of his mouth? Fruit has soooo many carbs.”

This would be the perfect diet except for the fact that protein isn’t really my main vice when it comes to loss-of-self-control-consumption. Is there an Atkins diet equivalent where instead of loading up on meat you load up on ice cream? Any, “instead of toast I would like ice cream” options out there? Because I’d excel at that diet.

The Jenny Craig Diet would be good because it would fit in well with my laziness. They deliver premade meals right to your door! But, so does Domino’s and I already have their number programed into my phone…

Weight Watchers isn’t for me. That diet involves simple math. It’s so cruel. I’m already hungry and grouchy from lack of sugar and high fructose corn syrup, and now I have to concentrate and count and add? The math is too “simple” to justify a calculator so I have to do it all in my head, and it’s hard to keep track of, and I’m so hungry, and when I check my work it doesn’t come out right, and my chest is tightening, and before I know it I’m face-deep in the emergency Doritos. So, Weight Watchers is off the table.

A raw food diet isn’t right for me either. I’m not interested in health, I'm interested in a one time burst of weight loss. Plus a raw food diet sounds risky. What if I’m at a dinner party and the host misinterprets my diet and serves me raw meat? Then I would have to choose between making the host look like an idiot in front of all his guests, or mocking him mercilessly later, behind his back. Which would be funnier? I don’t know! But I do know that’s a lot to have on my mind when I’m supposed to be enjoying a dinner party.

I am sort of interested in doing a master cleanse. The diet requires you to live on a mixture of cayenne pepper, lemon slices, and maple syrup. So basically, it’s a diet of all condiments and fixin’s. I think I could handle that, but I’d like to choose my own condiments. And like to choose them from Cold Stone.

I’m conflicted about the Biggest Loser Diet. On the one hand, I love and trust the TV very much, but on the other hand why is the TV insulting me? Besides, they call the diet the “Biggest Loser Club,” so I’m pretty sure they won’t let me in. I’m just a little bit way too cool.

No matter what diet I end up choosing, I must not fail. A 99 pound weight limit? Moonbounces have a severe prejudice against adults, and I will not stand for it. So, in two weeks, when I kick off my shoes and dive through that mesh door, it will be for all the adults in the world who wish they could moonbounce. And when I land on that sleek plasticy cloud, I’m landing for the all the adults who envy children. And every time I turn down a dessert in the next two weeks, I’m turning it down for those who grew up too quickly. I diet— in the name of fun-loving, reluctant adults. Throw your support behind me, friends! And soon I’ll bounce to new heights for us all! No matter how many small children get in my way!

For those who wish to throw their support behind me both emotionally and monetarily, I am excepting donations. Please contact me at clara.a.morris@gmail.com

Dishwasherless

2011-09-22T09:51:00.000-04:00

Dishwashers are one of the greatest inventions ever made, but I didn’t fully appreciate them until I was without one. I used to walk around like an idiot thinking stuff like penicillin or the Internet were the greatest inventions ever. Ridiculous!

Below I’ve analyzed the options the dishwasherless have to improve their lives. And, unfortunately, it’s all too easy to see why these options do not suffice.

Use Only Paper Plates: Wasteful, too expensive, cannot support significant number of marshmallows during or after microwaving.

Let Dishes Pile Up: Creates mold/guilt. When sink and surrounding counters are full, you spend the next week endlessly washing dishes, cursing, and vowing to never let them pile up again.

Wait For Someone Else To Do Your Dishes: See “Let Dishes Pile Up.”

Do Dishes Right After Using Them: See “Let Dishes Pile Up” but apply it to one day later than normal.

Eat Over The Sink: Makes guests uncomfortable, stains shirts.

Eat Out All The Time: Too expensive, have to put on pants before eating.

Turn Non-Disposable Dishes Into Disposable Dishes: Makes trash bags really heavy, you’ll eventually run out of dishes.

Learn To Eat Without Silverware: Sticky hands. If it becomes a habit, you’ll ruin all business lunches.

Subsist Solely On Juice Boxes: Won’t get enough protein, have to go to the bathroom way too frequently.

Just Use Dirty Dishes: More diseases, less self-esteem.

Fast: Makes you pretty hungry.

For Bussers

2011-09-20T09:40:00.000-04:00

As someone who is fragile and who tried to move to New York to be a standup comedian, I find myself rather familiar with bus travel between New York City and the safety and comfort of my parents’ home. During my time as a comedian/bus rider I learned a lot about bus travel—from the various benefits of packing light, to how to stomach the injustice of being forced to spend hours on a bus full of televisions that will not be used. I’d like to pass on some of my wisdom, in case you ever find yourself strapped for cash, far from home, and needing to get out of New York before you burst into tears because you touched a subway pole and it was a little bit wet and there’s no way to tell why.

Let’s begin with seating. The bus seating process serves as evidence that man is inherently evil. Every single person will forgo honesty and generosity in order to have a row of seats to themselves. This isn’t an airplane, there’s no assigned seating. If you’re going to get a row of seats to yourself it’s not through luck, it’s through strategy and perseverance. The row is yours to earn. So put your empty bag on the extra seat to imply it’s occupied, avoid eye contact with passengers searching for a spot, and mumble about fires, warlocks, and the government loudly enough for potential seatmates to hear to you. Whatever it takes.

When choosing a seat for yourself remember to be cautious. Don’t just rush to a window seat because you think it will be fun. Nothing will be fun. Did you forget this is a multiple hour bus trip? Nothing will be fun.

If you tend to get claustrophobic, you might want a window seat so you can look outside and feel less of that trapped-on-a-bus nausea. Plus, in an emergency, being next to a window would give you a quick escape exit. And emergencies seem kinda likely since I’m not sure how well they train those drivers. They certainly don’t train their drivers in manners. I’m trying to sleep. Please don’t make announcements. I’m not going to put my trash in the trash bag no matter how many times you ask. In fact, the more times you make that announcement, the more trash I’m going to leave outside the bag.

Aisle seats have some perks as well. If you’re tall and need a little extra leg room, you can stretch into the aisle. If you’re nosy and need to see what fellow passengers are doing, you can easily peer into the surrounding seats. If you’re mean and relish in other people’s struggles, you have a front row seat to watch passengers try to keep their balance as they attempt to walk to the bathroom. And for a real good laugh you can “accidentally” trip them. However, if they grab the back of your headrest for balance, all bets are off and you can go ahead and scream.

But no matter where you end up sitting, the whole trip will be ruined if you don’t bring a snack. Even if your trip is short, or if you ate a lot before boarding, or if you’re on a steady regiment of appetite suppressants—you’re going to need a snack. Because someone on your bus will have french fries. And there’s something about bus ventilation that will cause the savory smell of french fries to not only fill the air, but also to somehow replace all available oxygen. This has a tendency to make you somewhat hungry. So unless you want to walk to the bathroom and fall over onto the french fry owner, and then regain your balance in such a way that you end up with a handful of french fries, I’d suggest bringing a snack.

Bus travel is never fun, rarely easy, and always too cold. Even in the summer. Who is in control of the air conditioning and why do they want me to get sick? But despite all the unpleasantries, it is possible to get through the trip without murdering anyone or having a nervous breakdown (regardless of how close you were to having a nervous breakdown before boarding the bus.) Just remember to be assertive, look out for yourself, and never ever sit near the bathroom.

Battle Adorable: Dogs vs. Babies

2011-09-15T09:56:00.000-04:00

The tired cliché match-ups of Dogs vs. Cats, Cats vs. Mice, and Man vs. Beast are played out. It’s time for a new rivalry to take shape and capture not only our interest, but our hearts as well. I suggest, in a battle of the cutest things I have interaction with: Dogs vs. Babies.

Dogs play fetch, tug-of-war, and do tricks.

Babies are very good at just lying there.

Point, Dogs

When you’re about to get a new dog people say things like, “um…I don’t know, you’re so… what about a fish? Or a plant?”

When you’re about to get a new baby people throw you a party and give you gifts.

Point, Babies

Dogs can travel by airplane in a bag under your seat, or in a kennel with the checked luggage.

Babies can only travel while shrieking.

Point, Dogs

Don’t ever eat, or even taste, dog food no matter how hungry or curious you are.

Baby food? Eat all you want!

Point, Babies

Dogs give you a few warning dry heaves before they actually throw up. Which provides the opportunity to grab a bucket or shove a whole bunch of paper towels under their face before it happens.

Babies will throw up without warning at any time for any reason. And they will especially throw up if they are on your lap and you’re wearing your good jeans.

Point, Dogs

People can be allergic to dogs, so it can be hard to find a dogsitter.

People cannot be allergic to babies. Thus, when you need a sitter so you can go out and get wasted, your friends will have once less excuse. They’ll be left with only, “I’m sick,” or “I have to go to a funeral that night,” or “I think you should drink less.” None of which are as strong as, “I’m allergic to what you need me to care for.”

Point, Babies

Dogs are very loyal and will always love you.

Babies will grow up to resent you. This is such a distressing concern, that before you even have babies, you have anxiety about your potential future children finding some scathing humor article you wrote about babies in general, before your children even existed. Then they’ll probably take the article personally, and use it as an excuse to go do drugs in the park instead of attending your 50^th birthday party. The big 5-0, the one you rented out the country club banquet room for.

Point, Dogs.

That seals it. Dogs win, 4-3. Take that, babies.

(P.S. to my potential future children: Just kidding! Love you guys! See you at the party!)

Exercise

2011-09-13T10:33:00.000-04:00

Beginning a new exercise program is never easy. Remember it’s important to start slow and build your way up to more intense workouts. Which is great for those of us who want to feel good about ourselves, but also don’t want to exert any effort. For instance, it’s easy to convince yourself that walking around slowly and gently counts as exercise. It’s more than you were doing before! But if that sounds like too big of a hassle, start even smaller. I mean, you don’t want to pull a muscle or have a heart attack right off the bat. That would set you back so much! Try sitting up. That’s gotta burn more calories that just lying there, unmoving. I bet even eating ice cream can count as exercise. It can be pretty hard to scoop out sometimes. But there is a chance you can’t lie to yourself forever. Sooner or later, you’re bound to realize the pounds just aren’t melting off like you thought they would— like the extra cheese on a delicious bacon-cheddar-ranch-chicken-Frito-pie. (But, to be fair, the cheese that melts off and sticks to the plate or microwave gets eaten eventually. It doesn’t just disappear into thin air.)

So, if you’re ready to take the next step and start some of that old fashioned “real exercise,” I’d suggest running. You don’t really need any equipment or skills. Many people like to run on treadmills in a gym. The lack of weather hazards, cars, and small children pointing and laughing can make gym-running much more pleasant than outside-running. But keep in mind, gym-running presents hazards of it’s own. And if your gym has a daycare center, there will still be children pointing and laughing.

Treadmills aren’t the easiest thing to get accustom to. You have to set your own distance and pace before you even begin. Overly proud people set the pace too fast and end up suffering—be it through the embarrassment of ending the workout after just two wheezy minutes, or through the embarrassment of getting thrown from a treadmill that’s spinning at an actually-not-that-impressive 9 miles per hour.

Overly cautious people don’t have it any easier. They end up setting the pace too slow and get stuck trying to decide if they should be speed walking, or doing some sort of shuffle-jog. Both make you look equally awkward, I’d recommend just picking one and sticking with it. Don’t switch between the two, you’ll risk falling, and you won’t be thrown clear like the 9 mph guy.

Aside from gym-running, outside-running is very popular. You’re sure to feel accomplished as you realize you’re propelling your body forward, actually traveling, through your own physical power. Be cautions, this newfound ability, while powerful, isn’t a super power. You still cannot run through walls or stop cars with your mind. Do not try either.

Never outside-run at night. It’s like saying, ‘Hey criminals, I’m clearly tired and weak right now, so you could easily overpower me. Well, that is, as long as you can run faster than this slow jog I’m struggling to maintain.”

Organizing a group run with friends can be more fun than running alone. Maybe you guys will have a conversation to take your mind off the exercise. Or maybe you’ll decide as a group not to go running because it’s unpleasant, and instead just go to that bar over there, and oh my god it has free popcorn!

If you guys do end up running, having friends present will add an element of accountability. You don’t want to look like a wimp, so instinctually you’ll try harder. Unless of course you look stupid when trying – you know, sweating, panting, falling, crying, dialing 911 because you think you’re having an exercise-induced stroke after just .3 miles. In that case having friends around will tend to make you try less hard. And before you know it you’re not exercising at all, but rather just sitting on the curb, throwing small pebbles at those who are running.

But I’d argue that throwing pebbles is a form of exercise in itself. You’re moving your arm way more than normal, and throwing is a part of sports. So congratulate yourself on a tough workout, you sportsman. Looks like someone’s earned a protein shake with a few extra cookie crumbles!

Reasons to Look Both Ways When Crossing the Street

2011-09-08T14:19:00.000-04:00

1. Avoid jaywalking ticket

2. Avoid injury

3. Avoid death

4. Avoid being on some hidden camera reality show where a car comes out of nowhere, hits you, and then all of America watches while you struggle to learn to walk again.

Applying for a Loan

2011-09-06T09:32:00.000-04:00

Bad credit due to past mistakes can really hinder your ability to get a loan. But for some reason, writing a letter of explanation can help. Below is a template of such a letter, which you are welcome to use free of charge.

To Whom it May Concern:

I am writing this letter to explain the late payments on my (mortgage), (numerous credit cards), (as-seen-on-TV, 3-in-one home gym/massage chair/portable DVD player) that occurred in the year (enter year).

I am very distressed that this has happened, but I was (laid off), (seriously injured by less legitimate creditors ), (bored and the TV was on the Home Shopping Network and the remote was out of batteries). These circumstances drained my (carefully put aside), (waning), (already nonexistent) savings and I was forced to miss (a), (multiple), (all) payments. A (financial advisor), (parent), (ABC Family Special), told me it might be good to (tap into my 401K), (get a job), (win the lottery), and I was able to recover from this crisis and begin (making on-time payments), (buying food again), ( showing people handfuls of cash in an attempt to make new, more wealthy, friends).

I have always prided myself in (paying on time), (my looks), (how loudly I can scream), and I have taken steps to put more money in my (savings account), (shoe box), (new cult) to guard against other (unforeseen), (foreseen), (inevitable) occurrences like this.

Sincerely,

(Your Signature), (A happy drawing of you with your loan money), (An angry drawing of what will happen to the bank employee if he doesn’t give you a loan).

False Advertising

2011-09-01T10:08:00.000-04:00

We all fall victim to false advertising once in a while. Be it the bait n’ switch at Best Buy, the “Colossal Pizzas” that turn out to be nothing more than large pizzas, or the Craigslist sofa that is “like new” except for the mystery smell and the amount of cats that are attracted to it. But nothing stings more than back in childhood, when we’d beg our parents for a toy or snack that looked amazing in the commercial, and then turned out to be insultingly lame. The following is what I feel certain successful companies owe me, due to their misleading commercials and slogans during my childhood.

RC Cars owes me a desert-like backyard with small, natural hills and mounds ideal for racing a remote control car. The dirt should be packed loosely enough so the tires kick up a bunch of dust upon starting. And the cars should come with friends who will scream and cheer during the whole race instead of saying they’re bored, or demanding a turn.

The Mars Candy Company owes me M&M’s that will not melt in my hand no matter how long, nor how firmly, I clutch them. While not required, it would also be cool if they didn’t melt in my pockets, in the car, or under my pillow.

The Campbell’s Soup Company owes me Ninja Turtle shaped Spaghettios that are edible. What I’m asking for is two-fold. I’m not just asking for Ninja Turtle Spaghettios to taste better (though that does need to happen. What is their sauce? Ketchup and gasoline?) But I’m also asking for the Spaghettios to actually be Ninja Turtle shaped. Those vague circles they tried to pass off as heroes in a half shell aren’t cutting it.

General Mills owes me a cereal that is actually made out of tiny chocolate chip cookies. Come on, General Mills, do you know how hard kids have to fight to get their parents to buy Cookie Crisp cereal?! And then it doesn’t even remotely taste like cookies! Does it even have sugar in it?! Are the chocolate chips drawn on with a marker?! You make chocolate flavored cereals, you clearly have the technology to do this right! But you just refuse. How do you sleep at night, General Mills? I know it’s not with anticipation of having cookies for breakfast because that’s not a reality, thanks to you.

Milton Bradley owes me a version of Crossfire that is fun in any way. I’m not asking for the game to live up to the commercial; I know that’s impossible. But there are plenty of board games that are fun even though don’t generate lightning bolts or require players to wear sweet karate headbands.

My greatest sense of injustice is due to Nabisco. They owe me a cookie that delivers “a party in every bite.” That was the ad slogan for limited time Chips Ahoy cookies with Sprinkles. Disgusting, but with such a strong commercial, it didn’t matter. The product was short-lived, but the impact certainly was not. I still remember that fateful day in preschool when we had those cookies at snack time (I guess childhood obesity wasn’t in full force yet).

My dad had told me it wouldn’t work, my sister had told me it wouldn’t work, but I didn’t believe them. Like I’ve always said, trust a good commercial over family. So, I sat at the preschool snack table, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and upon exhaling I quietly said, “Ok, Clara. Here we go.” I took a bite. I opened my eyes. And I was met with the same snack table, the same classmates, the same lack of lasers, smoke machines and rock n’ roll there always was in my preschool classroom. It hadn’t worked.

I tried to psyche myself up for the second bite, but I knew. I knew it was over. And right then and there, when I was just three years old, the magic died.

Alright, Offending Companies, I have presented each of you with an opportunity to right your wrongs. And I know somewhere, deep down, you must want to. You know what it’s like to dream. Cookies for breakfast—you know what it’s like to dream. Your products are all wonderful in theory, it’s just the execution that failed. Be bold, create the products the way you intended them. Bring the magic back to life. Oh, and it’d be cool if you did so I could feel less conflicted about having a career in advertising.

Reasons to Ride Your Bike to Work

2011-08-30T09:20:00.000-04:00

-If you’re having a bad morning, you can cheer yourself up by getting some fresh air and making a whole lot of people late for work.

-Good for the environment, so you can stop feeling bad about that month or two when you threw all your garbage out the window because you ran out of trash bags.

-Great way to get exercise, so you can feel less shame after consuming a whole tub of ice cream in one sitting because you don’t want to share it with the rest of your family.

-Get to run red lights, which gives you a sense of justice for all those times a policeman’s presence has made you come to a complete stop, drive the speed limit, or put back the items you were planning on shoplifting.

-Can easily excuse wearing a helmet without explaining your propensity to have “breakdowns” or “anger-fits.”

A Zoological Debate

2011-08-25T10:57:00.000-04:00

Zoos have always presented a moral dilemma. Are they fun? Yes certainly. But is it right to keep wild animals captive for our entertainment? When I say it like that, it really doesn’t seem right. But there are many factors to weigh, let’s delve into some issues like zoo conditions, animal psyches, and the amount of time zoos can keep children from attacking their younger siblings.

Let’s begin by looking to the tiger. Zoo-dwelling tigers have their food prepared and given to them, so their natural hunter instincts wither and die. But research shows, tigers actually prefer it that way. And who wouldn’t? I’ve seen nature documentaries, I know how fast tigers have to run to get one tiny antelope. If I had to sprint a mile to get my food, I’d probably quit instantly and end up starving to death. I mean, I don’t even really like driving to the grocery store to get my food. And I know a lot of people feel the same way because mankind invented pizza delivery, Chinese delivery, and now that MobileWaiter.com thing where you get any restaurant food delivered right to your door. Tigers don’t have the ability to invent stuff like that, so instead they invented getting captured and taken to zoos. Which is kind of a better deal. Humans have to tip delivery guys. All tigers have to do is not kill their delivery guy.

So consciences are clear on food procurement, but what about animals’ homes? We do sort of rip them from their natural habitat. But maybe that isn’t so bad. Zookeepers work hard to give their animals a pretty nice mock-habitat. And in many situations the zoo’s mock-habitat is better than an animal’s natural habitat. Did you see March of the Penguins? Those poor penguins spent like 6 months huddling for warmth because it was so cold. And even though that is clearly entertaining (March of the Penguins grossed $77 million) zoos do not make penguins that unbearably cold.

Oh, also mock-habitats are a little better because the animals are separated from their predators. Kind of a big deal. And separating the animals has other benefits too. Giraffes experience a whole lot of body image issues in the wild because they have to be around other, more normally shaped animals.

No matter how great the mock-habitat, zoo animals still have to deal with people staring at them all day long. But some animals might like it. Some people love it. That’s how reality television shows exist. And zoo animals have it even better than reality TV stars. The animals get all the attention without the judgment. Nobody’s says, “Look at that stupid privileged panda holding that stick like a materialistic brat. She probably only got that stick because her parents are wealthy.” No, instead it’s all, “Aw look at that panda!!!! Oh my god she’s holding a stick, that’s the best thing I’ve ever seen!!!!” The esteem-boosting attention easily outweighs the lost privacy.

In the wild, animals are free to befriend practically anyone (according to Disney movies). Different species, talking insects, and human children are all ready and waiting to build a relationship with wild animals. But poor zoo animals are stuck interacting with whoever lives in their enclosure. It’s a limited selection, which includes their parents. Imagine trying to strike up a conversation with a potential mate while your parents are around. If we could understand animal languages, I’m sure throughout the zoo we’d hear thing like: “Mom! If you pick bugs out of my hair when I’m trying to talk to Mr. Giggles one more time I swear I’m going to choke you with the climbing rope!”

Now on the other hand, zoos do keep mothers from eating their young. So maybe it’s worth putting up with your mom all the time if you get to avoid dying the most traumatic death imaginable.

Maybe zoo animals don’t have it so bad. All in all, they’ve got a pretty cushy situation. But what about the humans who visit the zoo? No one ever champions our plight. We have to search for parking, buy tickets, walk around in the heat, endure crowds, and then we don’t even get to ride any of the animals. These conditions are unacceptable and we cannot rest while they stand. Zoos either need to fix their problems, or I need to be allowed to ride a hippo.

Why Do We Need an iPad?

2011-08-23T09:37:00.000-04:00

With more heft and a wider surface area, bugs are squished much more efficiently with the iPad than with the traditional flyswatter. Plus, right before death, the bug will be super impressed with the iPad’s sleek, minimalistic design.
The touch screen keyboard makes it impossible to get crumbs stuck under the keyboard keys. Combine that fact with the iPad’s ability to become completely flat with a simple rotation of the wrist, and the iPad is the perfect plate for all your snacking and mealtime needs.
10 hour battery life helps you avoid interacting with people for up to 10 hours.
Fingertip scrolling makes computer mice useless, which is great news for actual mice who have been fighting to take back the word, and their sense of identity, since the early 2000s.
Video calling capability helps remind you that your girlfriend/boyfriend isn’t attractive enough for you to move across the country for them.
Additionally, video calling capability keeps your girlfriend/boyfriend from calling you while on the toilet.

Eeeeeeee!

2011-08-19T09:40:00.000-04:00

Published in a real live book.

Check out page 240 of CollegeHumor’s new book “CollegeHumor The Website. The Book.” Or read it here for free.

Thank you for all readership, support, and friendship.

For A Winning Neighborhood Barbeque

2011-08-18T09:26:00.001-04:00

Even though summer usually creates an outdoor temperature known to many as ‘unbearable,’ summer is also the season of the outdoor-party-involving-a-fire, making it somehow even hotter. Otherwise known as the neighborhood barbeque. Hosting a barbeque can be quite rewarding. It’s a great way to get to know the neighbors without letting them inside your home. And barbeque smell really carries, so the non-invited neighbors will know exactly what they're missing. But it’s not all fun and envy-inducing. From what to serve to what to wear, barbeque etiquette can be complex. One wrong move and you’ve got guests with food poisoning who want to use your bathroom. Before venturing into the world of barbeque hosting, take a look at some do’s and don’ts, and start telling people now about how weird it is that your house didn’t come with a bathroom.

What to serve for the main course is pretty easy. Hamburgers, hot dogs, corresponding buns, and of course, plenty of condiments. The greater the variety of condiments, the less effort you have to put into cooking the main course. Is this hamburger still bleeding? Nope, that’s ketchup! This hotdog seems cold, did you even put it on the grill? Sure did, must be cold from the cherry chutney that just came out of the fridge! Is this dog food? Nah, the mustard, bacon bits, capers and snausages just make it look that way!

As for side dishes, fruits and veggies can be crowd pleasers and they take little to no effort to prepare. If you love watermelon there’s no better time to buy one than when you’re going to have a bunch of people over to help you eat it. You get all the joy without the hassle of having to clean three pounds of rotten watermelon out of your refrigerator because you couldn’t finish it on your own.

Corn-on-the-cob is pretty great, and it’s fun too. Is it a vegetable? Is it a fruit? Is it a projectile? Who cares because once you’re done, it’ purely projectile! Plus before you start eating you can load it up with butter and salt guilt free since it’s a vegetable or something and that’s healthy. In fact, it’s so guilt-free you might even feel liked rewarding yourself for eating well with an ice cream. Corn-on-the-cob rules.

Now that the menu is set, what about entertainment? Your guests are in your yard and very near your house, you don’t want to leave them up to their own devices for fun. If you do, sooner or later they’ll trample your flowerbed and then track mud into your house while seeing how many valuables they can hide in their shirts—all in the name of staving off boredom. I know that’s what I’d do. So protect yourself and prepare something for your guests to do.

The toy store offers a wide variety of outdoor activities like lawn darts, slip n’ slide, badminton, and tackle football. These games are great if you don’t like some of your guests because each of these activities offers a pretty big possibility/opportunity for someone to get hurt accidentally/on purpose.

Conversation is also a viable option, though it may seem like something that merely gets in the way of eating and impaling enemies with lawn darts. But in fact, pleasant banter can prove quite advantageous. For example, if a neighbor has an unkempt lawn, try saying something like, “I’ve been looking for a good lawn care company, which one do you use? Oh you don’t? Here are several business cards of lawn care companies I’ve been researching.” Or if they have a pool they haven’t invited you to use, consider saying something along the lines of, “I love swimming. In fact, I wish I could have held a pool party instead of this great, elaborate, and expensive BBQ for all of my beloved neighbors.” Or if your neighbors do something horrible like let their son host band practice you could say, “What kind of music do you like? I like professional, recorded music before 10pm.” No matter what the problems you may have with your neighbor are, they can be solved through conversation.

In terms of what to wear when hosting a barbeque, I’d say clothes, sunscreen, and bug spray should do the trick. Maybe a watch, but that’s up to you. But rest assured, watch or no watch, if you follow my advice you’ll be hosting a barbeque the whole neighborhood will be talking about for years to come.

How the Internet Has Changed the Workday -- or -- Things You Can Do at Work to Look Like You're Working if Nobody Sits Behind You

2011-08-12T16:31:00.000-04:00

1. Watch Cute Animal Videos

One of the few genres of online video that doesn’t require sound to be enjoyed. So whether headphones are allowed or not, these videos will brighten even the darkest day.

Pitfalls to be wary of:

1. Accidentally clicking on a scary animal attack video.

2. Falling in love and seeing how much it would cost to order a baby raccoon or a teacup pig, and then making the snap decision to get both. Though fun a first, this can easily backfire. It’s really gonna break your heart when you have to leave those little guys home alone all day while you're at work watching videos of other raccoons and pigs whose owners have the time to take video of them—even though they aren’t anywhere near as cute as Lil Bandit or Porky.

2. G-Chat

Talk to your friends while sitting at your desk, typing away. Your co-workers will think you’re diligently working, when really you’re being filled in on what you did last night while blackout drunk.

Pitfalls to be wary of:

1. Signing into chat and finding either nobody available, or nobody you actually want to chat with available, and subsequently slipping into a deep depression.

2. Even though the conversation is online, emotions expressed in response to the conversation (like laughing, scoffing, or quietly sobbing) are not online, but rather, are out loud. Expressing emotions out loud is usually frowned upon in the workplace. Not to mention, it sort of let’s everyone know that your mind is so far away from your work that you not only forgot you were at work, you forgot you were in public at all.

3. Shop Online

This is a great pastime because it often results in you getting new stuff. Plus there’s something exhilarating about making money and spending money at the exact same time.

Pitfalls to be wary of:

1. Insecure Internet connection making your credit card number, address, and waist size public information.

2. Buying things you don’t really need/want just to make the workday go by a little bit faster. Fuzzy Crocs might seem like a great idea because fuzzy sounds inviting (especially in the morning when you’re missing your bed) and because you could kill at least an hour browsing their color combos. It’s all innocent enough until a pair of Cleveland Browns fuzzy Crocs show up on your doorstep. Brown and orange? You can’t even wear those in the privacy of your home without feeling dumb.

Clara's Blogging Again!

2011-08-04T15:34:00.001-04:00

As the summer wears on many feel as though they’ve exhausted traditional methods for beating the heat. Be it through lack of extra funds for adequate AC, neighborly bickering turned vicious at the community pool, or getting banned from the local beach for “accidentally” destroying all the sandcastles that looked better than your small sand-hills, which actually have way more structural integrity than those stupid good-looking sandcastles anyway. Whatever the reason, many of us find ourselves in need of some lesser-known, yet equally entertaining, ways to stay cool this summer.

Consider hanging out in the grocery store day after day. The grocery store is always kept at frigid temperatures and there’s plenty to do. From typical and somewhat mundane activities like eating food from the shelves or racing shopping carts, to more adventurous pursuits like cooking food from the shelves (lighters located aisle 12) or Whole Chicken Dodgeball: the Game of Avoiding Salmonella. Plus if you have some spare change you have even more options. Whip coins at old people, buy plastic bracelets or bouncy balls from the machines up front, or use the blood pressure machine to slowly crush fruit. (Reminder: don’t buy the fruit, you’re using/ruining it within the store, so technically that’s not stealing. Also, since when are you opposed to stealing?)

If you think it’s too hot to leave the refrigerated aisles, simply stuff your clothes with bags of frozen peas before venturing into warmer store regions— watch out for skin damage, people mistaking you for a fat person, and accidentally getting disgusting peas anywhere near your mouth.

The library, while dorky, is another great summer hideout. It’s free and always kept at an ideal temperature. Librarians are so desperate to get people in there they don’t care how much they spend on utilities. Now, the library demands calm and quiet, which provides a two-pronged approach to fun. On one hand, you can accept what they demand by browsing the magazines, surfing the web, or napping— the children’s section should have some great bean bag chairs set up for you. And on the other hand, you can reject what they demand by holding screaming contests, building obstacle courses (try involving the bean bag chairs you used earlier!), or attempting to make larger-than-life dominos out of the shelves. Making slightly-larger-than-life dominos out of hard cover books, while fine in theory, is kind of immature.

Library too nerdy? You can always invite yourself over to a friend’s air-conditioned house and then turn the thermostat way down when they’re in the bathroom. But don’t just go to the same friend’s house day after day. In order to slow the eventual friend-to-enemy transition, rotate friends and go to a different house everyday. If you think you don’t have enough friends to keep this up, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your definition of the word “friend.” Friends can be neighbors, ex-girlfriends or boyfriends, or even that guy you screamed at for taking your parking space at the mall.

Not about to leave your air-conditioned house and brave the sweltering walk to your car? That is completely reasonable. And lucky for you, there are plenty of ways to cool off at home. Sitting with your face an inch away from the fan making a funny voice can provide minutes of entertainment, assuming you don’t get too close to the fan. But what can you do after you’ve tired of that funny voice? Consider wearing several sweaters and running around the house until you almost pass out. Then take the sweaters off and sit still, the contrast will feel incredibly refreshing. Or go ahead and pass out. Then you won’t feel the heat, or anything else that might be bothering you.

A cold shower is another great at-home heat-cure, but why not take it to the next level? Try standing in a layer of cold water while you shower, storing your shampoo in the fridge, or using an ice cream sandwich instead of soap. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

This summer is one of the hottest on record. Heed my advice, and do whatever it takes to avoid the heat. Don’t be a hero. The dad playing sports with his kids outside, the dedicated gardener weeding away, the kids playing sports with their dad outside, are all risking dehydration, sun poisoning, heat stroke, death, and excessive sweat/stink. It’s not worth it. Stay cool my friends.

Reading vs. Watching TV

2010-09-30T15:10:00.000-04:00

• Reading would allow you to contribute intelligently to conversations at a dinner or cocktail party. But, if you don’t watch enough TV, you won’t have as many pop culture references to make during conversations at a dinner or cocktail party.

• Reading would be intellectually stimulating. But you’d miss whatever show is on TV while you’re reading. What if somebody you like gets voted off American Idol? Or, what if that episode of Fresh Prince with the extra long introduction rap is on? Or, what if Look Who’s Talking Too is on?! That movie is so cute!

• Reading would allow for some quiet “me time.” But, turning the TV off and allowing silence to fill the house might remind you of just how alone you are.

• Reading would increase your vocabulary. But, you would be even more disappointed when TV stars don’t respond to your letters after you put in all those fancy new vocabulary words you worked so hard to understand.

• Reading is better for your eyes than staring at the TV all the time. But, watching TV is better for your skin. When watching TV you have literally no chance of getting a paper cut. Whereas reading requires you to touch books, which can be made of hundreds of sheets of paper, all with at least three sharp edges exposed and waiting for your supple fingers.

• Reading a lot could impress people. But, your friends will probably be threatened by your attempt to better yourself and they’ll most likely lash out. Then you won’t have friends or TV. Sounds like a real great life you’ve got set up there.

Anger Management

2010-09-11T18:01:00.000-04:00

Today I'd like to discuss ways to deal with road rage and minimize the violent confrontations that invariably result.

Listen, I know driving can be terrible. From the morons who cut you off and stop for pedestrians, to the slow grandmas who what? Don’t notice tailgating, high beams, and excessive honking?! Go, lady!

I’m not here to eliminate your rage, you’re right to be angry at those horrible people. I’m just here to teach you some techniques to express your anger in ways that won’t get you sued or charged with assault and battery.

And I’m not talking about everyday anger management techniques like breathing exercises, counting to ten, or seeing how quickly you can get those around you to cry and shake with fear. That sort of thing never works.

Instead, consider taking your anger out on your passengers. It masks road rage, while getting things off your chest. Your daughter’s on the phone too much, your son’s bad at sports, your wife is like, obsessed, with your road rage issues. Whatever it is, a derisive shouting session can easily release the frustration you feel after 3 red lights in a row.

But what if you’re alone in the car? Let’s say there’s traffic, you’re late for work, and somebody cuts you off. I’d suggest not brandishing weapons out the window while ramming the back of the offending car repeatedly, but rather exerting you energies on inanimate objects of your procession.

Slamming you hands into the thin roof of your car, makes you feel powerful. Punching the passenger seat is satisfying and easy on the hands. And while mashing the radio can be costly, destroying something expensive and electronic really gives you a sense of accomplishment.

Visualizing is another wonderful tool. If someone is driving too slowly, simply visualize yourself punching them, putting them in a headlock while smashing their face into the trunk, or holding a gun to their head as they cry and beg for their lives. Before you know it, your fury will melt away into joy.

So, with these techniques under your belt, I’d imagine the next time somebody honks at you, you’ll be able to handle it— without forcing them to pull over and then making them bleed from the face area.

Conversations Inside the Trojan Horse

2010-03-19T17:33:00.000-04:00

Machaon: Is anyone else hot?

Idomeneus: No.

Machaon: Ugh, it’s so stuffy in here. I’m really hot.

Idomeneus: You must not speak. The Trojans could hear you, realize our plan, and slaughter us all.

Machaon: Oh, there aren’t any Trojans around.

Idomeneus: Just be quiet. There is no way to tell if Trojans are near.

Machaon: Well, we could tell if there were some windows. And it wouldn’t be so stuffy either.

Idomeneus: If there were windows, the Trojans would see in and know that this horse is not a gift, but means to allow the ravenous Greek army into the center of their city. Windows! I cannot imagine anything so foolish.

Machaon: Man, I’m uncomfortable. Did we not have any sheepskin to line the horse with? These walls are so rough. I bet I’m gonna get a splinter. Does anyone have an extra sleeping bag?

Idomeneus: I thought you said you were hot?!

Machaon: I still like to be cozy.

Idomeneus: You are becoming more trouble than you’re worth.

Machaon: Ajax, could you snore any louder?! This is a shared space. And Nestor if you touch my leg one more time, I swear to the gods I am going to scream.

Idomeneus: We must be silent. You understand there could be Trojans right outside these walls?

Machaon: Yeah, but we’ll never know because of Odysseus’ real genius plan, “Let’s build an uncomfortable sauna with no ventilation and all get in, and stay in, until the Trojans fall asleep. Make sure there are no windows so we can’t see what the Trojans are doing or even breathe.”

Idomeneus: For the last time, windows would be a mistake worse than wings of wax too close to the sun! And I suggest you watch your tongue when speaking of the fine Greek that is Odysseus.

Machaon: Has anyone seen my shield? It’s very important to my mom- I mean, my girlfriend. She told me to return with my shield or on it. I don’t really understand her though, cuz if I lose my shield how could I possibly come back on top of it? If I lost it, you guys would have to carry me back triumphantly on something else. Maybe on some sort of throne, or just raised up on your shoulders and backs would probably be okay.

Idomeneus: That’s not what she means! Fight with honor or die trying! It is our creed!

Machaon: She probably meant come back with your shield or without your shield. That makes more sense.

Idomeneus: Attention all, I am concerned we have not done enough to satisfy the gods and place the Greeks in their favor during the upcoming battle. I am considering making another sacrifice. Perhaps something much bigger and more intelligent than a lamb.

Machaon: Ooo, did somebody say lamb? I’m so hungry! Does anybody have any fort-snacks? I nicknamed them fort-snacks just to make it more like a real adventure. You know, like we’re all hunkered down in this fort here. I was going to nickname them horse-snacks cuz that makes a little more sense, but it sounds weird you know? Like, I eat horse or something! That’d be crazy, such a waste of resources. I wonder if it’d taste good though? I bet the thighbones would. Hey, does anybody have any extra fort-pillows? One isn’t enough for me, I need a lot of neck support. I nicknamed them fort-pillows just to make it more like a real adven-

Idomeneus: Prepare for the human sacrifice!

The Horror

2010-03-16T12:02:00.000-04:00

I do not like scary movies. Nor do I understand their appeal. And while I have never seen a scary movie by my own volition, I have been made to watch quite a few. It was almost always due to social pressures; there was a sleepover party and the movie was already rented and everybody else wanted to watch it, the big kids invited me to the movies and I was too excited/nervous to voice an opinion, or I was simply over at a friend’s house and despite my protests the movie was put in and play was pressed. All unavoidable situations; all caused years of anxiety. It’s time I spoke out against this genre.

I don’t see how horror movies could, in anyway, be fun or pleasurable. First of all, they are often violent and gory, which doesn’t top my list of enjoyable things to look at. Additionally, the main point of a horror movie is to make me uncomfortable, jumpy, and frightened. How is that entertainment? Oh, wow, what a great movie! I can tell because I’m shaking and about to cry. This is a wonderful experience! I’d gladly pay $10 again if a movie could make me this upset. I definitely wouldn’t rather pay $10 to watch a movie that makes me laugh and smile.

On another note, if anyone out there is looking for warning signs of potential criminals, writers and directors of scary movies could not be sending stronger signals. Instead of holding these people in esteem as artists, we should perhaps be getting them help. They think of nothing but worst case scenarios. Husband cheating on you? No he’s planning on murdering you! Going on a class trip? Well, all your peers are going to die! Simply having a family, going to work, saving for vacation, trying to have a normal life? Nope, neighbors are serial killers and they’re coming over to kill you with golf clubs! These aren’t logical chains of events. The people who come up with these stories don’t have normal brain patterns.

For example, the writer of the Saw movies is a complete crazy person. The cruelties portrayed in his movies are so grotesque, unique, and brutal they seem unimaginable. Yet the writer imagined them. And he didn’t just imagine them in a in a general sense, he invented every single detail to make those torture devices and the human response as realistic as possible. I would argue that not everyone is capable of those kinds of thoughts. And I’m nervous about giving someone who does have those kinds of thoughts a public voice. Yeah, great idea, let’s grant the guy who thinks up monstrous ways to physically and emotionally torment people a forum to reach everyone ages 17 and up. Oh, and if their parents say it’s okay or they look old, kids under 17 should be able to experience this guy’s ideas too. Makes perfect sense to me!

Believe it or not, I’m also pretty strongly against scary movie commercials. Why do they have to be so graphic? I’m just trying to watch TV, I don’t want to hear some child whispering “are you okay?” all slow and creepy, and then, with a flash of light, have a hand claw out at me. That’s not fair. If I choose to buy a ticket, then sure, go ahead and let that little kid whisper at me, but not until then.

And why are horror movies advertised during comedy television shows? Just because it’s late at night?! Staying up late does not mean I invite images of criminally insane cannibals into my living room. I just want to watch The Colbert Report! I’m not in your target audience! Advertise for pillows, that’s what I’m more susceptible to purchasing after 11:30, not tickets to a murder show.

Don’t worry, I have ways of standing up for myself. I’ve got news for everyone who put effort into creating the scary movies I’ve seen: your efforts were wasted on me. I didn’t see your award winning performances, your expensive special effects, or your artistically framed scenes because my eyes were closed the whole time. (Well, not the whole time, I do tend to watch the nice parts that show how happy everyone is before the murders get going.) But get this: I also didn’t hear your meticulously crafted creepy dialogue, or your painstakingly composed bone-chilling music because I was plugging my ears and humming a pleasant little tune throughout all the frightening parts. So, horror movie industry …take that.

Pride

2010-03-12T12:02:00.000-05:00

Things my parents think I should be proud of, but I’m not ________________________________________

Boggle abilities

Things I am proud of, but shouldn’t necessarily be _________________________________________

Simpsons recall abilities

Knowing not only what an iPod is, but how to use it

Knowing which of the TV-repeating websites has the fewest commercials interrupting the show

Having a clean room

Having room set up so I can see both the TV and the computer from my bed, all without getting any glare from the sun on either screen

Graduating from College

Can spin Frisbee on one finger for minutes at a time

Having a job helping children

Having a really good plan to quit my job after not only using up my annual sick leave, but also waiting until all the paid holiday breaks are over. Thus creating an ideal Money Earned to Hours Worked ratio

6^th place in 800 meter relay, MD state regional track meet, 2001

NYC subway turnstile sometimes says, “too fast, swipe again”

Ways to Maximize Enjoyment of Your Lunch Break

2010-03-09T12:04:00.000-05:00

While my favorite part of the workday is when I walk out the door at 5pm, my lunch break is a very close second. Lunch is a sacred time when you can relax, clear your mind, and pretend you’re not even at work. And while it may seem like whatever you do during your lunch break would be incredibly enjoyable in contrast to what you do before and after lunch, you cannot just rely on juxtaposition. Challenge yourself, put some effort in, and before you know it you’ll be having the best lunch breaks of your life.

There are several quick fixes to making your lunchtime all that it can be. Listen to your iPod, nap in your car, eat exclusively at a Baskin Robbins. But most importantly, get yourself out of the building. How can you clear your head and pretend you’re not at work, if you are still at work?

Leaving the building can be tricky. The halls of your workplace are lined with people desperate for socialization. They’re lonely, bored, and waiting to pounce. Keep your head down, avoid eye contact, and walk quickly. If you don’t, you risk getting sucked into conversation and spending up to 10 minutes of your break learning about the HR lady’s family reunion next weekend.

And what happens if a boring or hated coworker gets you in conversation and then nonchalantly asks, “Where are you going for lunch?” If you answer honestly, he is going to invite himself along. If you say you don’t know, he’s going to ask you to join him at some awful place of his choosing. It’s a delicate situation. I’ve found the best response is, “I’m going to the bank, to run errands.” Just saying “running errands” still welcomes company. But the bank is private and everybody knows that.

That’s not to say you have to eat lunch alone. Arrange for someone you like outside of work to meet up with you. Be warned, this approach has pitfalls. You probably have to ask unemployed friends to meet you because no one else is free in the middle of the day. Then at lunch, when you talk about your day and your unemployed friend talks about his day, you may go mad with jealousy. Worse yet, when you say you’re jealous your friend might not even be sympathetic. He’ll probably reply, “I don’t know, I’d love to have a job right now.” And then you’ll fly into a murderous rage— just in time to have to go back to work. So you have to stifle your emotions, return to work, and let your friend leave thinking he didn’t do anything wrong.

The best way to maximize enjoyment of your lunch break is to maximize your lunch break. Start by coming back 5 minutes late. If nobody notices, increase it to 10 minutes, then 15, and then level off. (20 minutes could be a fire-able offense, depending on company policy.)

Be sure to have your excuses lined up in case/when somebody notices your extra lunch minutes. Some excuses are better than others. Saying, “I lost track of time, sorry ” might keep you free from reprimand, but it doesn’t really leave you open to coming back late again. Saying something like, “I just had to use the bathroom real quick when I got back,” is an okay excuse, but not perfect. If you actually have to use the bathroom, you can’t then go right away without inviting suspicion. (Side note: Don’t go to the bathroom during lunch. That detracts from your break time and takes away an opportunity to miss some work. All bathroom breaks —real or fake— should be taken during working hours.)

A better excuse for returning tardy from lunch would be, “I left for lunch a bit late, so I figured it was reasonable to come back late too.” There’s no way anybody is going to remember what time you left for lunch. But the best excuse involves not admitting you were late at all. “I was helping Brian downstairs. He ran into me on my way back in and asked me to help him.” Whether or not someone named Brian works with you, that’s a pretty airtight alibi.

My last bit of advice is incredibly crucial. Never take a working-lunch. Claim you have a doctors appointment, say you’re meeting a client, run out of the room crying, anything! Just find a way to free yourself. Lunch is your time. Don’t let anything change that.

How To Build a Deck

2010-03-05T12:58:00.000-05:00

Step 1: Put up flyers offering deck building services at low low rates.

Step 2: Negotiate with potential clients; remember to require full fridge privileges, full TV privileges, full toy bin privileges.

Step 3: Buy wood planks, hammer, nails, book about how to build a deck.

Step 4: Try nailing wood planks together in deck-like shape.

Step 5: Go to hospital.

Step 6: Purchase some sort of prebuilt child’s playhouse.

Step 7: Have delivery men carry the playhouse around back and scoot it up right next to real house.

Step 8: Build many layered masking tape connection between real house and playhouse.

Step 9: Revel in your accomplishment.

Step 10: Run away.

Well, At Least Get Some Candy for Yourself

2010-03-02T11:52:00.000-05:00

I have very little patience for long lines. When in line at the drug store, getting frustrated with slow cashiers and contemplating stealing just to get the hell out of there, the only thing that can calm me down is the spread of candy displayed below the registers. Laid out before me is nearly every candy ever made; all wrapped, bright, shiny and new, just waiting for me to make my choice. As an intelligent person, I tend to focus on the chocolate and ignore the fruit chews, the gum, and the breath mints.

While I’m tempted by nearly all the chocolate bars, I try to limit myself to buying only one; I like the challenge and the added health benefits. Hershey’s with Almonds is definitely one of my favorites… but then again, plain Hershey’s is slightly bigger. Do I go for ingredient variety or quantity? Or something else entirely?

Kit Kats are delicious, but their structure is a huge flaw. Due to the candy bar’s built in perforation, people seem to have no qualms asking the owner to give up at least ¼ of their total candy. The horrible idea of sharing is even in Kit Kat’s jingle. Though catchy and fun, “Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar” is responsible for a fairly large sales drop among candy loves. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Twix have the same problem. Get either of those and I may end up losing half my candy to a “friend.”

Snickers is one of my top picks. Talk about variety of ingredients! It’s got what, like 7 things in packed there? And thanks to their ad campaign, “Hungry? Grab a Snickers,” I can easily justify eating Snickers for breakfast.

M&Ms are a fine choice, but I tend to go through them a bit fast. It’s because of their packaging. With the tear-open-and-pour shape of the bag, eating M&Ms by the handful is inviting. But even more inviting is holding the bag straight up to your mouth and throwing your head back. Then, after just a couple swigs, you’re out of candy.

Charleston Chew is one candy bar that does not tempt me. I chose it once in childhood because it was the biggest. But instead of a never ending chocolate bar, I found myself with something that had only an incredibly thin outer layer of chocolate, and then a thick, tough inner center of some sort of sickly sweet hurt-your-teeth-sticky white filling. It was thrown out long before I reached the end.

Though I did disparage fruity chewy candy earlier, I’d like to take a moment to discuss jellybeans. While the hot button topic in the field is certainly how gross licorice jellybeans are, I want to focus on the positive. Jelly Belly brand jelly beans are the most remarkable candy. The amount of genius it takes to make a jellybean taste exactly like pear, strawberry cheesecake, or toasted marshmallows is unprecedented and truly impressive.

For example, plenty of hard candy companies claim to have a grape jelly flavor, but time after time their promise falls short and their product just taste like plain old grape hard candy. But the Grape Jelly Jelly Belly is true to its name! As I chew the bean, I can literally feel the cold lumps of jelly, the flavor is so authentic— it doesn’t taste like grape hard candy, it tastes like I’m licking the knife after making a jelly and jelly sandwich.

The inventors and scientists at Jelly Belly are certainly to be revered. However, one must question their career choice. With their cognitive prowess and ability, they should be doing something like curing cancer, fighting global warming, or at the very least, making medicine not taste bad. (Not to discredit the inventors over at Advil who came up with the sugar coated tablets.) So, while I would like to give Jelly Belly my unwavering support and commendation, my social conscious is too strong to let them avoid at least some reproach.

Ah, Candy. By far my favorite meal, snack, and reward. Let’s be honest, though it comes in many shapes, flavors, consistencies, and packages, all candy has its merits. (*Except Charleston Chew) So no matter what anyone chooses*, it’s going to be great.

Olympic Figure Skating Scorecard

2010-02-25T13:48:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder where in the world those wacky figure skating judges get their scores? Well, take a look at this authentic Olympic Figure Skating Scorecard and see for yourself!

COSTUME

3 points- Costume is reflective and sequined. Costume has skin-toned fabric covering up actual skin. +2 bonus points if skater has skin-toned ice skates that make him/her look like some sort of horse-footed blade walker.

2 points- Sequins are merely in geometric pattern and are not arranged as flower, snake, bowtie, or regular tie.

1 point- Actual skin showing in place of skin-toned fabric.

ATHLETICISM

3 points- Number of mid-air spins exceeds three. On ice twirls are so fast skater’s body gets the “rubber pencil” effect. Any number of flips. No falls. +2 bonus points if skater arranges for basketball hoops to be down, then has coach throw him/her a ball mid routine, and then either dunks, or makes a shot with eyes closed.

2 points- Number of mid-air spins exceeds two. Any number of high kicks. At least 10 consecutive push-ups part of routine. Fell.

1 point- Fell and then got up and just kept going as if we didn’t even notice and it wasn’t a huge deal.

GRACE

3 points- Footwork spells out Judges’ names on the ice. Music selection is in more than one judges’ iTunes library. Skater holds ice skate blade for over 2 seconds without drawing any blood. +2 bonus points if, while skating past area where opponent is sitting, skater holds nose, points to butt, or pretends to vomit.

2 points- Footwork spells out judges’ names on the ice, but later in the routine skater skates over the same patch of ice, literally crossing out judges’ names. Music selection boring or lame. Ugly face.

1 point- At end of routine, skater throws arms up in the air and smiles as if he/she has done a really good job. Why don’t we just wait and see what the judges have to say before we start celebrating.

Your Guide to Choosing a Career

2010-02-23T10:41:00.000-05:00

Whether you’re a recent grad trying to enter the workforce in some way, or you’re an old person fed up with your current job, this comprehensive step by step guide is sure to help you choose a career you wont hate for at least a little while.

The first thing you want to do is throw out any other career guide you’ve purchased or borrowed from the library. Especially throw out top selling, “What Color is Your Parachute?” I don’t agree with their stance: “Quick! Buy this book, figure it out and choose a color, or you’re gonna end up smashed to bits on the pavement you’ve been steadily plummeting toward your entire life! A job is the only thing that can save you! Pick a color, pick a color!!”

The next step is some inward reflection. Think about yourself. What do you like doing? What do you hate? Who do you hate? How can you injure or mentally harm that person? (try not to get sidetracked, no matter how natural the thought progression may be)

Once you’ve answered those tough questions you’re ready to browse careers. I’ve complied my research and below are profiles of some of the occupations most often featured on television.

First up, teaching. Depending on the age you work with, you could be spending a lot of time with super fun toys. And best of all, teachers get three months off for summer vacation. While you might be tempted to become a teacher and stop reading right here, I implore you to continue. There is a dark side to teaching. I mean, do you know what time school starts? And that’s not all. Kids are covered in germs, there’s no spell check when you’re writing on the board, kids can be so cruel, and the toys probably wont even be fun because you have to use them safely.

So, if teaching isn’t for you, maybe you want to be a doctor? You’ll be well off, you’ll get to wear scrubs and Crocs to work, you’ll have access to prescription medications, and best of all you’ll be helping people. That can really raise your self-esteem. But there are sacrifices. You’ll probably have to do some gross blood and guts related things. And you’ll probably get sick a lot thanks to all the damn sick people that keep coming to you for help. It may not be worth it.

Consider becoming a professional athlete. Not only will your paycheck be in the millions, but there’s also bound to be extra income from endorsements, movie deals, and autographs you sell on Ebay. You’ll get all kinds of new clothes: home and away uniforms, warm-up pants, hats, jackets, the list is endless! But being a professional athlete isn’t all money and clothes. You’re going to have to get in shape. And I don’t think taking the stairs instead of the elevator will do the trick. You’re going to have to lift weights, go running all the time, and stop having “beer and cake Fridays.”

Perhaps you’d rather be a lawyer? If you find you have a real talent for law, you could probably keep yourself and loved ones out of jail regardless of the crime. If you find you don’t have that much talent, at least you’ll be in a better position to know a good lawyer than the average criminal. Downsides to this job would be the obvious; getting too involved in your trial and causing the murderer to add you to his hit list.

The last career I’d like to discuss is that of a psychologist. You will definitely be the most interesting person at any party you go to. If another party guest tries to tell an interesting story, I’m sure you’ll be able to top them with something your kooky or ill patients have done. But let’s not lose sight of the psychology profession as a whole. You might have to be fairly mentally balanced yourself to have any credibility at the job. Also, psychologist isn’t a great choice if you don’t like talking to people, looking people in the eye, or listening to others for even the shortest amount of time.

Hopefully by now my advice and insights have led you directly to your dream job. Wherever your interests take you, I wish you luck, prosperity, and enjoyment. And if you find all of that at your workplace, please let me know when they’re hiring. And put in a good word for me. Unless people don’t really like you, and you’re kinda that weird guy nobody sits next to at lunch. In that case, just tell me when they’re hiring.

Dear Professor

2010-02-19T14:37:00.000-05:00

Dear Professor,

Hi, I’m Clara Morris from your Pysch415 class. I’m the one who sits way in the back, kinda behind some people. You might not be able to put a face with my name because I’m very short and contemplative, so I’m hard to see and quiet. But I’m always there, right on time. You probably don’t see me come in, since I’m right on time I enter the classroom along with a bunch of other people. And you probably don’t see me after class either. I have another really interesting class right after yours, so I always rush out the door.

Anyway, I’m writing because I had a few questions about the paper due this Monday. Approximately how long do you think it would take the average person to complete this kind of paper? I’ve already put a ton of time in, and I have a tendency to spend too much time on my schoolwork. I really don’t want to stress myself out needlessly, you know? And I want to be sure to get enough sleep so I’ll be alert when I present the paper in class tomorrow.

Oh, and another question, are we going to have time for everyone to present tomorrow? If we don’t present tomorrow, do we still turn in our papers? It seems like it’d be logical to hang on to the paper until we present, just so we can practice with the original copy. (I would hate to waste trees and print out another one!)

Now, the instruction sheet says you want us to provide a bibliography, and I was just wondering what specific sources you’d like to see in that bibliography. I’ve spent so much time at the library, researching and studying for this paper, I find myself with way too many sources! I don’t want to bore you with a super long bibliography, so if you could help me narrow it down, that’d be great.

If you could also point me to specific page numbers within those sources it would be helpful. Basically, all the reading is so valuable I feel like I should reference every page. But then I’d exceed your allotted word limit for the paper, so I’m really conflicted. Ugh, it’s so typical of me to include too in-depth coverage of each source! I’m just trying to break that habit and do a good job.

I’m sorry, I know this is a lot of questions, and I probably should have contacted you sooner. I’ve just been spending so much time and effort on the academic side (reading and reading, writing and writing) that I sort of let all the nitty gritty formalities go by the wayside. If you can’t answer me right away, I completely understand. I’d even be willing to put in a few days extra work and turn the paper in sometime after Monday. (With no late penalties, of course, since we’re discussing the special circumstances now) That would really be no problem at all.

Thanks and see you tomorrow :)

Clara

P.S. See you tomorrow unless we decide I should stay home to do the extra work on the paper. Which is totally fine with me. So, I guess if I don’t hear back from you in time, I wont come in or turn my paper in tomorrow morning, and I’ll assume we’re going with the above stated plan. Thanks!

Snowstorm Survival

2010-02-16T11:09:00.000-05:00

With a record-breaking snowfall hitting the DC area, many residents find themselves stuck in dire situations not knowing what to do. Below I offer solutions to some of the major problems caused by this life-threatening storm.

The garbage service has been suspended throughout the metro region. Your kitchen trashcan is piling up, the garbage can outside is full and the lid has so much snow on it you couldn’t imagine lifting it or clearing it off. You don’t want to put plain trash bags outside because the animals will get into them and spread trash all over the lawn. And then you’ll have to clean it up and it’ll be disgusting and stinky and frozen.

Hey, calm down. Americans didn’t always have the advanced garbage collection system we have today. Take a lesson from history and fling your garbage from the windows. It’s fun and easy! Plus, you can get the kids involved and teach them responsibility. Make a game of it, seeing who can throw garbage furthest off your property, or aiming for a specific target like the mailbox, other garbage items, or your neighbors’ cleared walkway.

Many families are unable to go the grocery store and are running low on food supplies. Some think the only answer is spending hours digging out the car, only to brave unsafe driving conditions and patience-testing grocery store line conditions. But there are other options. Send a friend/neighbor who’s going to the store for themselves with your list and a little bit less money than they’ll need to cover you. (Before they leave be sure to tell them you expect plenty of change.) Friends and neighbors refusing to do you any more favors? Get creative and make a meal of those never-used back-of-the-cabinet foods. Condensed milk cans, lemonade mix, cranberry sauce, rejected milk duds from Halloweens past, and I’m sure you’ll find some hidden treasures unique to your home to help you make an inventive and edible dinner.

A grim situation affecting millions is that of boredom. Some people have been stuck in one location with only their families for over two days. My advice is trying to find entertainment within the walls of your home and your surrounding yard. TV, Internet, sleep, video games, Taboo, and talking pleasantly to those who share your household can all be great. Sign up for Netflix and watch a movie instantly. Go outside and build a snow fort/man/dragon/blockade for your neighbors’ car. Pick fights with those who share your household. Really explore your options and you’re sure to be amused for days.

Heavy precipitation and extremely high winds have wiped out power lines from Northern Virginia to Baltimore. Those without electricity risk freezing, stubbing their toes, having to eat unmicrowaved meals, and the torture of life without TV and Internet. If this happens to you, the first thing you should do is call the power company, weather service, fire department, police, newspapers, and local hospitals to tell them of your woes. While it may seem enticing, you don’t want to go to a hotel. That would cost money, and you’d have to dig out your car. I’d suggest going to bed and staying there until this whole thing blows over. If it lasts for days and you find yourself getting bedsores, call a friend who has power and a dug out car. See if they’ll pick you up and let you stay at their house for a while. As an added bonus, you definitely wont have to worry about going to the grocery store because you can eat all your friends’ food. Go for the most expensive stuff first.

If you’re lucky enough not to have lost power yet, take some precautionary measures. Fill your dryer with blankets and socks and keep it constantly running. That way, no matter when you lose power, you’ll be able to be all warm and cozy like you should during a snowstorm. Also, consider keeping a pot of hot chocolate continuously boiling.

While you should be able to get through the 2010 blizzard basically alive and happy, I must caution you not to jump back into business as usual as soon as the snow melts. Transitioning to work/school after more than a week of freedom can be incredibly traumatic. Not to mention the hazardous conditions of No More Snow. Forgetting the ice is gone and attempting to run and slide on pavement is responsible for numerous skin injuries every spring above the Mason Dixon line. Don’t let it happen to you. Be careful and adapt back to regular life at your own pace.

Conversations Between Me and My Dog

2010-02-12T11:04:00.000-05:00

Me: Hey lil guy, did you burry your bone?

Dog: I would never tell you that. Please respect my privacy.

Me: Go, kill that stuffed animal!

Dog: Excuse me, did you just say stuffed animal? Am I wasting my time here?

Me: Good dog! Look at you, going to the bathroom outside! Good dog!

Dog: Don’t talk to me right now.

Me: Mmm, yum, dry dog food! Eat it all up.

Dog: Yeah! Fooooooood!! (Leans face in bowl and sniffs) Ew! What gives, lady?

Me: No! No barking.

Dog: I heard a noise, you idiot! We’re in extreme danger! I’m trying to protect you, for crying out loud. Someone …or something… is out there, and I don’t think it’s too friendly.

Me: Aw, you just love tug-of-war, don’t you? Don’t you?

Dog: I’m gonna bite you right in the hand.

Me: Down. Don’t beg at the table. This is my dinner.

Dog: Are you fucking kidding me?

Ways to Make Commuting Less Horrible

2010-02-08T13:26:00.000-05:00

There are few things in life worse than the morning commute. You’re sleepy and grouchy, you’re freezing because the car’s heater hasn’t kicked in yet, your hands are especially cold because you had to scrape ice off your windshield, you’re stuck in standstill traffic and there’s no relief in sight. And I know what you’re thinking, “Please don’t try to make my commute better. It’s impossible. I just want to zone out, stay half asleep, and wallow in my suffering.”

But trust me, after you read this post, there’ll be no need to consider getting in an accident just to free yourself from the monotony that is the morning commute. (Side note: there is no need to discuss ways to make the afternoon commute better because simply reminding yourself you’re not at work and you are, in fact, driving in the opposite direction of your workplace, makes the trip leisurely and refreshing regardless of traffic.)

While quitting your job is clearly the best option to make your commute more enjoyable, I’ve come up with some less financially devastating methods. And I’m not talking about everyday activities like eating in the car, listening to the radio, or seeing how loud you can scream. That stuff gets old fast.

Try out becoming an aggressive driver. Cut people off, constantly change lanes, make risky left turns, tailgate, honk, and let that middle finger fly. The challenge will be entertaining and keep you on your toes, and the adrenaline rush from the close calls is bound to boost your spirits. And all that cutting in front of people and not waiting your turn will probably lessen your commuting time.

Do exercise some caution, however, as you may end up stuck at a red light or in traffic next to cars you haven’t treated well. But then again, that risk is another adrenaline rush! Oh, and I guess you should exercise caution because it’s dangerous/illegal.

If you’re nervous about aggressive driving, perhaps because you have a new car you don’t want to scratch, or you’re shy, or you’re just not the type to use the middle finger, consider this strategy: leave 20 minutes late, thus forcing yourself to drive aggressively in order to arrive on time for work. And you’ll get 20 minutes more sleep! (Feel free to adjust leaving time in accordance with your confidence level.)

But let’s say you’re really stuck in unmoving traffic. I will admit, aggressive driving loses some of its thrill when you can’t get above 5mph. Don’t worry, I have a few ideas.

Stare at other drivers and time how long it takes for them to notice. Then see what they do when you don’t stop staring.

Try and make judgments about people based on the outside of their car. A blue Camary, fairly new, no bumper stickers, small scratch on fender… is the driver a man or woman? Old or young? Fat or skinny? Dumb or really dumb? Then when you get up close, peer in and see how accurate you were.

Try and read signs backwards. Reset your odometer. Make anagrams out of license plate letters. Close your eyes … just for a second … you’re not moving anyway… No! That one’s just a joke!

Another great way to make commuting less horrible is to switch up travel modes. Try public transportation for a few days. It’s nice to have a change, and you’re sure to appreciate the perks of not having to drive. No traffic, you can read a book, or maybe even lightly nap. Plus, public transportation is bound to make the switch back to driving seem like the biggest relief imaginable. No more waiting in the cold for the train or bus, you’re guaranteed a seat, you can’t smell anybody or breathe in their germs, and best of all nobody is going to accidentally touch you.

Now if all else fails, the best way to improve your commute is to call in sick. That way, not only do you skip the drive all together, you also don’t have to go to work. It’s a win-win. If you’re out of sick days, well, then you might just want to cause that car accident we discussed earlier…

Typical NYC Craigslist Writing and Editing Job Postings

2010-02-05T13:55:00.000-05:00

Editor Needed

I am a writer and I have written an ~800 page novel, but for some reason I need someone to edit it for basic grammar and punctuation. Must have superior grammar knowledge. Must treat me as if I am a writer-genius. I will pay $0.05 a page.

Also, manuscript needs to be transferred from bits of paper and dining-room-table-etchings to computer.

Comedy Writer Opportunity

I am looking for a writing partner! I have plenty of my own hilarious friends who I hang out with all the time, don’t worry ;) but I decided I wanted a different perspective so I’m reaching out!

Please send me some samples or ideas, and we can get started right away.

If you have writing or performing experience, it is a big plus. If you have a cool apartment we could meet in and hang out in, it is a big plus. If you want to go to the movies or hang out at a bar every Friday night, like best friends might, it is a big big plus. Even better if you want to make and then exchange friendship bracelets. See ya soon!

No Pay.

Scripts Wanted

I’m a producer. I won’t tell you exactly what that means, or what I’ve worked on in the past, or why I’m posting on Craigslist for scripts instead of using my producer contacts.

Send me your scripts, the ones you consider your life’s accomplishment. Send them to me and I’ll do something. Maybe something good, maybe something bad, who knows? I’m certainly not going to tell you.

This could be your big break. But this could also be a big set up for some sort of humiliating reality show. “Desperate Writers” or something like that. But hey, relax, you’re being overly paranoid; most likely I’m just someone who’s going to steal the best ideas in your script. But then again, maybe it’s your big break! Send scripts.

No Pay.

Writer's Assistant Job Opening

You will work inside of my home. After-dark availability preferred.

No Pay.

Calling All Humor Writers!!!!!!!!!!!

Hiya funny guys and gals! We’re making a website that is going to be the next big thing in terms of comedy websites. We’re hoping to get a vibe like ComedyCentral.com.

Though we have never made a website before, we are sure this website will actually show up, will not have numerous formatting problems, and will not be abandoned within the month. Get your hopes up about this opportunity!

We are taking submissions on basically any topic, but we prefer the following hilarious topics: sex, race, disabilities, and anything Adam Sandler’s done.

Thanks!

No pay.

Attention Young Writers!

New Restaurant opening at 93^rd and 10^th hiring front of house and back of house. Must, repeat MUST, have AT LEAST 2 YEARS NYC RESTAURANT EXPERIENCE. Must be available to work evenings, weekends, holidays, birthdays, and any other time you were looking forward to enjoying.

$2.50/hour +tips

In the Kitchen with Clara

2010-02-02T12:17:00.000-05:00

For years now I’ve been subsisting on a diet of restaurant food and things that are easy to cook. While I do enjoy restaurants, the real driving force behind my dietary choices is the fact that I cannot cook. And I find the idea of learning rather intimidating/impossible. I’m not exactly sure why, but perhaps a look into my past will prove revealing.

When I was 6 my sister accidently caused a small fire in the toaster. But I’m not sure that made me have any negative feeling about cooking. To be honest, I sort of enjoyed it. The fire wasn’t really scary, as much as something to tease my sister about for the rest of her life.

Hmm, perhaps a traumatizing incident happened later in life. At age 15 I sliced my finger while cutting a bagel. Permanent nerve damage left me with no feeling in the tip of my left ring finger. But that’s not actually as bad as it sounds. Sure it hurt at the time, but as a consequence my fidgeting has forever been advanced. While other people can only twiddle their thumbs when bored in class, I can run my finger over my paper and marvel at not being able to feel where the paper ends and the desk begins. I can close my eyes and make a game of it, blindly guessing where the paper’s edge is. Time flies and before I know it class is over. Oh, but don’t worry, I’m sure twiddling your thumbs has the same effect...

While these first two events are logical reasons to cause a fear of cooking, I don’t think that’s what is going on in my complicated, deep, and extremely intelligent psyche.

I believe the cause is more academic. In 7^th grade we spent a week studying the terrifying diseases that come from eating undercooked meat. Trichinosis, tape worm, salmonella, parasites, and of course, death. We went over not just what happened to one’s fragile insides, but what each disease physically felt like.

Just the fact that I remember such details of a middle school science unit should show how deeply I was affected. If only fear mongering had been used in math too; I could have been an astronaut!

So I don’t cook because I’m afraid of getting horribly sick and dying. I’m comfortable with that decision.

Now that’s not to say I haven’t tried. I’ve gone so far as to purchase chicken, put the pieces in individual freezer bags, put them in the freezer, and then look at the ground when a roommate says, “whose chicken is taking up all this room in the freezer, it’s been here forever.”

I’m not exactly proud of my inability in the kitchen, but I am proud of the way I’ve learned to cope. And I’d like to impart my non-culinary expertise on to those of you who, like me, find the kitchen a frightening place full of bacteria, disease, and sharp blades.

Let’s start in chronological order with breakfast foods. Certain cereals are great because they have tons of vitamins and minerals built in, no effort on your part needed. Other cereals are great because they are coated in sugar. Pour in some milk and you’ve got added calcium and protein, which will enable you to stay alive. Bonus!

Instant oatmeal requires little more than tearing open a package, dumping it into a bowl of milk, and microwaving for a few minutes. You’ve got warmth, mush, annnd nutrition!

Think that was valuable? Well, here’s a tip I discovered early on: breakfast foods can be eaten at any time of the day. Cereal for lunch? That’s totally appropriate! Cereal for dinner? That’s slightly less appropriate!

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Next up: lunch foods. Sandwiches are essentially just piling things up. Bread, already cooked meat, already sliced cheese, bread. You just built a tower, and a meal!

Easy Mac is similar to instant oatmeal, perhaps with a bit more stirring. Don’t worry, your work will be rewarded. Easy Mac isn’t just packed with flavor from the cheese-like powder, the hot orange color will make you feel like you’re in a Chuck-E-Cheese commercial! Radical!

Alright, last but not least: Dinner. There are many affordable restaurants that provide healthy, filling, and complicated meals. I’m talking way more than two ingredients! Check your local listings.

Hungry, but not feeling up to stirring, piling, or being in public? No problem, we can work around that. …Canned soup anyone?

Conversations that Led Up to the Invention of Facebook

2010-01-26T11:48:00.000-05:00

Mark: Hey, do you know anything about that cute girl from the bar?

Chris: Not really, all I know is she’s friends with Jared.

Mark: Ah! I wish I could use that knowledge to learn more about her and see pictures of her and her friends!

Chris: You could ask Jared, I guess.

Mark: Well I don’t really want to make it public that I’m trying to find out about her.

________________________________

Chris: Whoa, have you been at your computer all day? Didn’t you have classes to go to?

Mark: Yeah, I did. I’m so sick of this. I spent all day trying to get information on that girl from my econ class. I looked at her AIM profile to get her favorite quotes; Googled her and got some high school field hockey stats; looked through her Webshots page to see the kind of crowd she hangs out with —cuties, by the way—and I searched the university’s club website to see if she registered with any. Man, all this research took forever! My life would be so much easier if there was one website that had all her information complied in an easy to read format!

________________________________

Chris: Hey, what’s up?

Mark: I was thinking, there should be a way for me to alert everyone I’ve ever known when a good picture of me is taken.

________________________________

Chris: Do you want to hit up the bars tonight?

Mark: Dude, I want to, but I gotta stop spending money. I’ve been driving around following this girl I knew in middle school, you know, just to learn more about her before I actually talk to her. I’m having fun and learning a lot, but these gas prices! They’re killing me! I’m going through a $30 tank a week; I can’t afford this lifestyle! If only there was a way to stalk people without spending money on gas.

Chris: You could walk?

Mark: Yeah, I guess. But all that walking would really tire me out. I wish there was some way I could stalk people for free from a sitting down position.

________________________________

Chris: How’s it going?

Mark: If I were in a relationship, I think I’d want to subtly alert everyone I’ve ever known of that fact.

Chris: But what about when you break up? Would you want to tell people that?

Mark: Yeah, definitely! I’d get so much sympathy attention. That would be the best! Why isn’t there a forum for getting that kind of info out?!

________________________________

Chris: What are you up to?

Mark: I’m making an Evite for my birthday party.

Chris: That’s cool. Evite’s are pretty convenient, huh?

Mark: Yeah, but I’m kinda bummed cuz only the people I’m inviting will see it. I want the people who aren’t invited to see the evite, see who’s coming, and read all the invited people’s little comments about the event. Just so they know how much fun I’m excluding them from. Ah, in a perfect world.

And All of a Sudden, I'm a 24-year-old Aunt

2010-01-19T12:54:00.000-05:00

This past fall my older sister, age 29, gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She is my sister’s first child, my parents’ first grandchild, and my first niece. Needless to say, things are a bit different in the Morris family! Some may say the most important thing to do now is welcome this new baby to the world. But I attest that the most important thing to do now is to impress upon everyone that I am too young to be associated with a baby. And, thinking about my future, it also seems important to keep saying over and over that my sister is too young to have a baby.

Some of my readers may think, “What’s the big deal? Don’t most 24 year olds have their own kids, plus tons of nieces and nephews? I mean, people half that age have babies.” And to you I say, stop being so mean! Jeez! Real sensitive! After I told you my family was going through all these changes and everything!

To which you may retort, “and 29 is certainly an appropriate age to have your first child. Maybe even a little late.” But you’re wrong. Trust me. Once you’re in the thick of it, watching your sister stay up night after night, attempting to decipher and quell the baby’s unrelenting shrieks —hair all messy, shirt soaked in spit-up, pregnancy weight still lingering— you’re really made to appreciate your youth.

The whole task of taking care of a baby seems decades beyond me. For example, here are all the things that my sister has to do to prepare breakfast for her baby: wash the bottle, nipple, lid, and some weird thing that goes in the middle of the bottle; boil water; cool boiling water; measure formula; mix formula and water in a way that creates no air bubbles; sacrifice the skin on her wrist to see if food will burn the baby’s mouth.

Now, let’s compare that to what I do to feed myself breakfast. Before I go to bed the night before: mix chocolate flavored instant breakfast with milk in travel mug; put in fridge. The next morning: While brushing teeth, go downstairs; remove mug from fridge; microwave it; run upstairs; spit; get dressed; drive to work with mug in hand; burn mouth.

To be fair, this routine is hardly my everyday. I am often forced to go without breakfast because there are so many variables. Sometimes I forget to mix the instant breakfast the night before, or I forget to take it out of the microwave, or the milk’s gone bad and I have to throw it out, or I didn’t wash my travel mug from the previous day. But more often than not, I skip breakfast because I hit snooze too many times, and there just isn’t any time to heat it up.

Does that sound like someone who’s ready to be associated with a baby?

You now may be saying something along the lines of, “Okay, okay, we get it. Due to your … age… you aren’t ready to take care of a baby, but surely you could handle being an aunt.” Oh, really, you think so? Let’s delve into that hypothesis.

Think back to your own childhood and ask what made a good aunt. One word: Presents. I certainly think I’m good at picking out gifts for children. As someone who refuses to accept her age, I consider myself attune to hot new trends in toys and games. However, there is more to gift-giving than picking out the best present. You also have to pay for that present. I am fairly new to the work force and self-sufficiency; I’m not exactly brimming with surplus income. And besides, any surplus I do have kinda needs to be spent on candy and beer for me. C’mon, I’m 24!

So, presents are out, what else do aunts do? Babysit. I don’t think I’m ready to be alone with a newborn baby. My panic reflex sets in just thinking about it (chest tightens, breath shortens, tears flow). The closest I’ve come to babysitting was holding the baby while my sister took a nap. It lasted about 20 minutes, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t move my spine the entire time.

Anything else characterize being a good aunt? Supporting my sister? Sure, sure, in theory that’s all well and good. But she’s awfully cranky these days— what with being a young mother and all.

Eugene Paldry's "I'm Allergic"

2009-05-25T19:00:00.000-04:00

An audio recording written and performed by Clara Morris and Frank Reynolds.

Links!

2009-05-06T16:28:00.000-04:00

Stay alert for one second of a very talented boy scout

Here, in my greatest acting role, I play an excited child

Watch Me Dive

2009-02-03T11:11:00.000-05:00

off a different platform

Slight Recognition

2008-11-17T23:04:00.000-05:00

A publication outside of this blog

One more joke

2008-11-15T15:30:00.000-05:00

It's not really a video.

Life After Graduation

2008-10-10T16:23:00.000-04:00

Upon graduating from college and moving to New York, I find myself quite unprepared for many aspects of semi-adulthood. I mean, I knew not having homework would rule. But apparently there’s more to self-sufficiency than that. To help illustrate my point, I’ve prepared excerpts of conversations from both my pre and post college days, and paired them side by side. Enjoy!

On Rest and Relaxation:
College Clara: “I was so tired from that awesome party last night, I totally slept through all my classes today!”
Present Clara: “I accidentally slept through business hours, so I couldn’t apply for a job today.”

On Diligence:
College Clara: “That class was so easy, I basically never went, barely studied for the exam, and guess what, l still got a B!”
Present Clara: “I think I didn’t get hired at that pizza place because I didn’t put enough effort into my cover letter.”

On Health:
College Clara: “I just signed up for student health insurance.”
Present Clara: “I just bought anti-bacterial soap.”

On Age:
College Clara: “Check out my fake ID! Sure looks real, huh?
Present Clara: “For lunch today I tried to say I was under 12 so I could eat for free at Fudruckers."

On Entertainment:
College Clara: “We didn’t feel like going to class, so we just stayed in and watched movies all day!”
Present Clara: “I just moved here and I don’t really know anybody yet, so I just stayed in and watched movies all day. Alone. With the lights off for some reason.”

On Food:
College Clara: “Guys, guys, check it out, I told that Dining Hall cashier that my cup is filled with water, but it’s really Sprite! Free Soda! High Five!”
Present Clara: “Today I realized I’m just that weird lady who steals Sprite from the neighborhood Chipotle.”

On Disturbance:
College Clara: “I can’t believe the R.A. gave us a hard time! I mean, these dorms are our home and we’re just trying to have a little fun. We aren’t even being that loud."
Present Clara: “I complained to the building manager that the 6 year old across the hall laughs and plays too loudly.”

On Interaction:
College Clara: “Sure is fun to be around all my friends constantly. Let’s stay young and happy forever. Especially happy.”
Present Clara: “Yes, I got an email! All right, Barnes and Noble coupons!!”

Paris Fashion Week

2008-10-07T14:29:00.000-04:00

Maria Valentin reveals her new collection, including the revolutionary "Lady's Brass Knuckles" with accompanying clutch.

Stand up, for comedy

2008-09-28T13:40:00.000-04:00

One Joke

Superhero: a short play

2008-09-26T18:42:00.000-04:00

A young woman is walking down the street. A robber runs up to her and grabs her purse. The two struggle.

WOMAN: HELP! HELP! IS THERE ANYONE NEARBY WHO CAN HELP ME!

Our hero looks over and sees what’s happening. He twitches his nose and sniffs.

RATMAN: I smell trouble! This looks like a job for…Ratman!

With a series of little rapid steps he runs over to the robber and woman. He proceeds to beat up the robber, bites him, and takes the woman’s purse back.

WOMAN: You saved me! Thank you so much, how can I ever repay you, Rat – wait what did you say your name was?

RATMAN: Rrrratman!

WOMAN: Are you…are you committed to that name?

RATMAN: Yeah, of course! There’s nothing wrong with my name, it’s fitting.

WOMAN: Ew.

RATMAN: No, no, not because I carry diseases or anything like that. I only have the positive rat characteristics. I’m really really fast, and I have a great sense of smell. And sharp teeth!

WOMAN: Please don’t stand near me.

Scene 2:

Ratman enters the mayor’s office.

RATMAN: Hello Mayor.

MAYOR: Thank you for meeting me here, Ratman.

RATMAN: It’s alright, but I don’t know why we can’t ever meet at my place.

MAYOR: The Rat Cave..?

RATMAN: Yeah, I don’t know why you always refuse, it’s much more convenient. Do you know what it’s like to come up town at this time of day? I was in traffic for 45 minutes.

MAYOR: Listen, Ratman, we’ve got an emergency on our hands.

RATMAN: Alright, what’s going on?

Ratman starts to sit down.

MAYOR: Ooo, could you not sit there! It’s just that the upholstery’s really hard to clean. I mean, we just ended up throwing out the last chair you sat in.

RATMAN: Oh come on, do we have to go through this again? You don’t have to clean everything I touch; I only have the positive rat characteristics.

MAYOR: Uhhh, yeah, I know, just, well…better safe than sorry. Now, Ratman, The Exterminator has called in another threat to the city! He plans to pump the city’s drinking water full of cyanide.

RATMAN: (Gasps) Not The Exterminator again! From my very core emanates a deep pulsing hatred for that evil man.

MAYOR: Ooo, could you be careful where you step. We’ve laid out some newspapers, if you could try to just walk on those.

RATMAN: (Sighs) you know this is unnecessary.

MAYOR: I know, I know, but the cleaning staff doesn’t come in until Monday, and it costs extra to shampoo the carpets, you know how it is. Now, get out there and stop The Exterminator!

RATMAN: I’m on it!

Scene 3:

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, in the sewers below the city streets…

The Exterminator stands in the sewer. He has a large vat connected to a pump beside him.

EXTRMINATOR: I’ve got enough cyanide in this pump to kill half the city’s population! That’ll teach the other half to respect and fear me like they should!

Ratman drops into the sewer, The Exterminator doesn’t notice him.

EXTRMINATOR: I’ve got the hose hooked up to the main water line, and all I have left to do is flip the switch!

RATMAN: I don’t think you’ll be getting to that step, Exterminator.

EXTRMINATOR: Rrratman! I’d stay back if I were you. Beside me lies 3 tons of cyanide, or as you may know it, good old fashion rat poison.

RATMAN: Well, first of all, I only have the positive rat characteristics, so I’m just as susceptible to cyanide as you or anyone else. And since I don’t plan on eating any of your cyanide, it’s not a real threat to me…

EXTRMINATOR: Even if I placed it in this hunk of cheese!

RATMAN: Do rats even like cheese? You’re thinking of mice. Rats eat anything, especially garbage.

EXTRMINATOR: Ah ha! You sure know an awful lot about the disgusting eating habits of rats for someone who claims to only have the “positive” rat characterizes!

Exterminator throws the cheese at him and runs away.

Ratman drops to all fours and scurries after him. Exterminator manages to escape off stage.

RATMAN: Hmm, where did he go…

Ratman starts to sniff around in order to find him. He closes his eyes and lets his sniffing guide him.

The exterminator sneaks back on stage and approaches his vat and pump hook-up.

EXTRMINATOR: I’m afraid your characteristics have failed you, and the city, now!

He flips the switch and attempts to run away. Ratman scurries up to him and knocks him out with on punch, and then bites him. Hard. Ratman then struggles to pull the hose off the water pipe and tries to flip the switch back, but fails.

RATMAN: All locked! That blasted Exterminator! Well, there’s only one thing left to do. Good thing I have the positive rat characteristics!

He gets down on all fours and starts to gnaw away at the hose.

Scene 4:

Ratman emerges from the sewer onto the city streets. He is a bit dazed. A little girl and her mother stand near the manhole. The little girl has a fountain soda cup.

RATMAN: (breathing heavily) You’re safe now, drink up little girl.

He moves to put a hand on her shoulder. She screams.

MOTHER: Ugh, get away from us. Did you just crawl out of the sewer?

RATMAN: No, no, I’m Ratman!

MOTHER: Ew!

RATMAN: I just saved the whole city from the evil Exterminator!

MOTHER: Did you kill an exterminator down there? What is wrong with you?

RATMAN: Would you mind calling an ambulance…I’ve consumed a fair amount of poison.

Hobbies

2008-09-05T13:49:00.000-04:00

Choosing a new hobby is always challenging. To aid readers in their decision making, I’ve developed an easy-to-use guide which lists the pros and cons of popular activities. Hope it helps!

Taking Karate classes:

Pro: Exercise has many health benefits.
Con: Exercise requires more effort than eating, watching tv, napping, or sleeping.

Pro: Would learn to defend self physically.
Con: Would learn nothing to defend self mentally or emotionally.

Pro: Would meet new people.
Con: People you meet will know how to effectively attack you.

Pro: The uniforms would keep you from repelling potential friends with your lack of style.
Con: Your numerous food stains will show up more easily on the white uniform.

Taking cooking classes:

Pro: Would learn a valuable skill.
Con: Would have to control self around food.

Pro: Would meet new people.
Con: Would have to control self around knives.

Pro: Would be able to eat better.
Con: Might no longer have use for previously purchased 64 bulk pack Ramen Noodles.

Pro: Would be able to contribute more than just drinks and napkins to potluck dinner parties.
Con: Would feel more spite/shame when not invited to potluck dinner parties.

Taking swimming classes:

Pro: Low impact exercise is good for joints.
Con: Might drown to death.

Pro: Being immersed in water is good for the skin.
Con: Being immersed in water is bad for the lungs.

Pro: Can pee while making eye contact with fellow swimmers.
Con: Can only assume everyone making eye contact with you is also peeing.

Pro: Some pools have slides.
Con: Would be reminded of outgrowing childhood fun while in line for the slide.

Getting a job:

Pro: Would be earning money.
Con: Would have to spend money on an alarm clock.

Pro: Would be contributing to society.
Con: In most cases, would miss Price is Right.

Pro: Would gain sense of self respect.
Con: Couldn’t wear same sweatpants everyday.

Pro: Would be able to fill in “work info” section on high school reunion form.
Con: Might have to change hilarious email address which looks so good on high school reunion form.

Taking up smoking:

Con: Would have to spend money on cigarettes.
Pro: Would get to take smoke breaks at work, school, social outings, family gatherings, etc.

Con: Secondhand smoke is bad for those around you.
Pro: Would always have an “ice breaker.”

Con: Would only have one free hand when doing things.
Pro: Would have something to do.

Con: Death, disease.
Pro: Looks cool; is something the popular kids tend to do.

Taking up shoplifting:

Con: Illegal.
Pro: Get free stuff.

Con: Would have to wear baggy clothes all the time.
Pro: Could wear same sweatpants everyday, as well as, acquire new softer and less tattered sweatpants.

Con: Might get caught.
Pro: Before that, could convince friends/family you have a job.

Con: People would want to borrow, or at least touch, some of the fancy stuff you’ve worked so hard to get.
Pro: Friends!

Joining a gang:

Con: Illegal.
Pro: Friends!

Con: Fellow members might be too aggressive.
Pro: Your angry tendency of slamming doors would no longer look like “problem behavior.”

Con: Might have to murder.
Pro: Get to experience new activities not found in ordinary daily life.

Con: Might get murdered.
Pro: Would be remembered as someone with lots of friends.

Multi Media!

2008-09-03T22:49:00.000-04:00

With love, from me to me

2008-09-03T22:04:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I received a letter in the mail addressed to Clara "Fancy Pants" Morris. I was naturally suspicious. At the time I was wearing sweatpants. I mean, these sweatpants did have pockets, so maybe they could be considered fancy, but I knew it was a bit of a stretch. Even more mysterious was the fact that my name and address were written in handwriting strikingly similar to my own. Could this be an exploding letter from one of my enemies who mastered the imitation of both my handwriting and my wont of making up middle names? I looked at the return address and saw that it was from my 12th grade English teacher. Could she be such an enemy? After a moment of scowling at the envelope, I was graced with a slight memory of making some sort of time capsule for an assignment in 12th grade English.

I zealously ripped the letter open and confirmed my brief remembrance. This letter has allowed me to see in which ways I've grown, matured, stayed the same and not lived up to my own expectations during the past four years. Let's take a look:

My dearest Clara,

This is a letter from you to you, written for points in 12th grade AP English. As I write this I am sure future-me (present you) will remember the motivation behind every idea in this letter, every brilliant idea. (Throwing in the word "brilliant" there was a joke in case you don't remember, MORON. … that was a joke too … I love you). I realize that you might not actually remember writing this letter, but I find that weird and unsettling. It's only been four years.

I think I should point out that the only reason I am typing this, rather than handwriting it, is because I want all the words to be spelled correctly.

I couldn't think of a funny way to start the letter, so don't read the "my dearest Clara" and think to yourself, "God, I sure thought I was funny back then, but man, who was I kidding." Don't do that future-me, because I am funny. Don't judge me, greetings are hard.

You going to a prestigious grad school just like you planned? If not I guess this adds insult to injury, eh?

Did you think the references to "future-me" in the above paragraphs were funny? Cuz you did when you wrote it. Oh how you laughed. How I laughed. Um. How … we? laughed?

I love you so much,

Clara Morris, 1985-2008

(Ominous music)

My favorite aspect of this letter is how the bulk of it is simply my high school-self insecurely trying to prove to my future-self that I was actually funny.

In many ways, I have not really changed since age 18. For example, one of my first reactions upon finishing reading the letter was an overwhelming fear that I was a funnier writer back in 12th grade. I guess insecurities are long-lived. Oh, and I'm still a poor speller.

Some of the letter's defensiveness was warranted. When first reading the salutation, I did find "my dearest Clara" a bit weak in the humor department. It's not that I don't consider myself the dearest; it's just not laugh-out-loud funny. So, my initial reaction was a palpable panic that I made bad jokes throughout high school, convinced myself they were funny and continued that trend into the present day. Imagine my delight when I read the paragraph explaining that I settled on the greeting simply out of laziness and lack of effort! That's something I'll always be proud of.

There was one other part of the letter that filled me with a very tangible fear. 1985-2008. Really, past-me, that doesn't seem too aggressive? Is that really the sort of mean joke you thought I would be able to handle? Did you think I would be braver four years down the road? Because I am not, and I am pretty much convinced I'm going to be looking over my shoulder and having nightmares until 2009.

So, four years after writing this letter, I find myself not attending the prestigious grad school I challenged myself to as an 18-year-old. Instead I'm doing nothing and occasionally trying to be funny. But something tells me past-Clara wouldn't be too disappointed.

. . .With a Shot of Publicity

2008-09-03T21:56:00.000-04:00

This past Tuesday, Starbucks closed stores nationwide for three hours in the early evening. Was it a marketing campaign? Some cruel scientific experiment to see just how addictive caffeine really is? Were they teaching a lesson to all those corporation-haters who badmouthed Starbucks' stranglehold on the market? No, Starbucks stores closed for three hours so that baristas would have time to be retrained. Oh, wait, I mean, yes it was a marketing campaign.

The Starbucks' closing was covered by most major media outlets, including The Washington Post, The New York Times, CBS and Fox. Even The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, though mockingly, gave airtime to the closings. How embarrassing for Starbucks! Now everybody knows there must have been some problem with their baristas! Lucky for them, they managed to fix it, but how horrible that the process was so public! I wish for Starbucks' sake there was some way they could have avoided all that press. It's too bad they couldn't have found a time other than business hours to train their workers, or maybe have found a way to avoid having every store in the nation closed at the exact same time. Oh well, I'm sure glad it's over now … and you know what, I'll bet Starbucks coffee will be better than ever. I can't wait to try it! Taking such an elaborate approach really shows how much Starbucks cared to fix their problems. And that's all it shows.

Some may say I'm being a bit hard on Starbucks, but, for the majority of my life, I've been fairly skeptical of coffee itself, let alone coffee shops. I believe it all stems back to my severe fear of growing up, getting a job, paying bills and becoming responsible for my actions. I've found it's quite easy to take my fears out on coffee.

Adults drink coffee; kids don't. Kids can't handle the bitter taste, and caffeine stunts growth. But adults can't get enough of it. Why? I don't know for sure, but I've got some theories. For one, most adults don't have to worry about stunted growth. And maybe the incredibly bitter cigarette-butt taste of coffee is just an acquired taste that comes with age. Does that mean that growing up is so awful it causes one to start favoring bitter over sweet? I cannot do that. Sweet is my favorite flavor! It is the flavor of all things good: nectar, honey, Kit-Kats. I don't want to live without that joy!

According to the National Coffee Association 82 percent of American adults drink coffee every day. You're right to immediately doubt this statistic because, of course, a fake association has to make itself look popular. But it's true. The National Coffee Association exists. And they take statistics.

I find this statistic incredibly ominous. No, not for health reasons or consumer concerns. You see, the only time I drink coffee is during exam week. A week when I'm trying to replace sleeping with reading unopened textbooks. A week when I'm so strapped for time, I think taking a shower can count as taking a break. A week when I can't fully open my eyes, be it because of sleep deprivation or a side effect of seven hours under the library's fluorescent lighting. Only during this week do I find the need to turn to coffee with hopes that it might have even the slightest energizing effect on my desperate physical condition. And that's the same drink 82 percent of adults turn to every morning.

While I do condemn Starbucks' publicity stunt as well as coffee and adulthood in general, I find I must now apologize. There are aspects of Starbucks that should be celebrated. Starbucks has done me a favor and made coffee as childish as they possibly can.

Take, for example, their drink the "mocha." For those who don't know, that drink is essentially a little bit of coffee watered down with hot chocolate. Oh yeah, with whipped cream on top. And they have other dessert-disguised coffee drinks. Consider their caramel macchiatto. That one's actually made of candy - says so right in the name.

So maybe growing up, having a job and being exhausted all the time won't be so bad simply because every morning I can wake up and drink coffee that tastes like a milkshake … maybe.

University of Maryland Winter Break

2008-09-03T21:46:00.000-04:00

Adjusting to the start of the spring semester is one of the most difficult things I've encountered. It's infinitely harder than adjusting to the fall semester. The fall semester comes on the heels of summer jobs. Not a hard act to follow. However, the spring semester comes on the heels of winter break.

Winter break is the most relaxing, most responsibility-free, most glorious time of our lives. There are no classes, no papers, no exams. There are no jobs, no managers and no bosses. Some of you may disagree with me. Particularly those of you who chose to take a class or work over winter break. But I am not to be blamed for your mistakes.

Winter break is wonderful because of the simple pleasures. When else in life is it acceptable to wear exclusively sweatpants, to sleep until 4 p.m., to not know what day of the week it is, to watch a seven-hour marathon of America's Next Top Model? Never. Well . . . all right, there are exceptions; perhaps if you're sick, having a migraine, suffering from depression, etc. But answer me this: When else in life is it acceptable to partake in these lethargic activities for an entire month straight? Only during winter break.

Any debate between summer and winter break can be cleared up by a simple glance to the calendar. Yes, summer break is longer, but that's not my point. Look more carefully. Winter break begins with holidays. For many of us, present-receiving holidays! For all of us, a holiday where the main point is to stay up late drinking! And what does the start of summer break offer? Let's see … it begins at the end of May … just in time for … oh, great, summer job interviews. Hooray. And what else? Mother's Day?! Followed closely by Father's Day?! Those are present-giving holidays!

So winter break begins with new stuff and evenings dedicated to drinking while summer break begins with seeing what it's like to be a working adult and losing money in order to be nice to your parents. What a contest.

I stand firmly in my belief that winter break is not an appropriate time to get a job. Future employers, grad school admission boards and parents expect you to get a job during the summer. But winter break is too short for anyone, especially parents, to expect a job. And, even if your parents are pushy, winter break has built-in escapes from employment. At every job you apply for, simply state that you refuse to work more than the month you're off from school. Also be sure to demand time off to relax after exams, time off for Christmas (regardless of religion) and, of course, a few days of vacation to recuperate after New Year's. You'll find potential employers rather reluctant to hire you. Especially if you really stress how much you'll need to recuperate after New Year's.

The University of Maryland has one of the longest undergraduate winter breaks. It is quite a blessing. For those of you who complain that winter break is "too long" or "boring," you are being incredibly disrespectful. Full-blown adults don't get a month off from work. I have a feeling you'll regret your bold comments sometime in adulthood when you roll over at 6:45 a.m. to turn off your alarm (which for some reason no longer plays music, but just emits a series of sharp beeps) only rising so you can sit in commuter traffic for hours and hopefully be on time to your soul-crushingly bland nine-to-five job.

I don't mean to scare you about the future. I'm sorry. You see, I'm a senior, thus I've recently run out of winter breaks. And all I can do now is make sure everyone realizes that winter break is something to be cherished.

Don't kill the time; absorb it. Hold on to each nothing-filled minute. Sleep as much as you possibly can. And after you wake up, stay lying down for as long as you possibly can. Spend some quality time with the TV. Watch E!. Watch Jurassic Park 3 with the violence edited out on TBS. Because if you don't do it during winter break, you may never get another chance. Winter break is an opportunity; seize it.

Final Push

2008-09-03T21:28:00.000-04:00

With exam week upon us, many feel that it's time to get serious, panic, and consider dropping out of school. While this is perhaps not the most constructive train of thought, it is a natural response to trying to read an entire textbook in 12 hours. (Or possibly even less time, depending on how many levels of Super Mario Bros. 3 you were able to beat that same evening). Let's be honest, most of us stopped trying after midterms. I mean, a lot of us stopped trying even sooner. And some of us never even started trying. (Hey, if the teacher wanted my attention the class should not have been scheduled for 8 a.m. …or 10 a.m. … and a 1 p.m. class is tricky because I get sleepy after lunch).

Now all of a sudden, the information that we spent months ignoring has to be learned in a week. It's an unpleasant situation, but I'd like to offer some strategies to decrease stress and anxiety during this grim, trying time.

Ignoring and not showing up for exams definitely curbs the pressures of exam week. But, be warned, this option does have its downsides. For example, if your roommate has an 8 a.m. exam, he might ask you to stop doing beer bongs and screaming along to Now That's What I Call Music 4! when you are just a mere two hours into your anti-exam celebration. Worse yet, he might even have the gall to accidentally wake you up when his alarm goes off at 7 a.m. Talk about irritating!

If you decide ignoring exams isn't for you, there are certainly other ways to lessen the tedium, the headaches and the tightening of the chest that always accompany exam studying. Procrastination is a wonderful tool. It's surprisingly easy to convince yourself you're studying when you're really just wasting your life. Remember the age old adage: As long as you're at a desk and/or computer, you're making progress.

If you have a laptop, move on over and "study" in bed. You'll find that lying down and falling asleep is much more comfortable than sitting at your desk and studying.

Consider compulsively checking your e-mail. Once every 15 minutes should make you feel busy. In the face of studying, anything from Barnes and Noble coupons to e-mails offering eternal youth in exchange for your credit card number can be worthwhile. However, this is not the best strategy to avoiding work. Stores, friends and con artists can only send out so many e-mails. There are few things as demoralizing as checking an empty inbox 12 times in a row.

I'd recommend moving on to a more personal, yet still removed, form of online communication: reading AIM away messages. This year, I implore everyone to please put up an amusing - or at least long - away message. Putting up a plain and simple message that says "studying" is completely insufficient. Think about it. That message is not interesting, and it takes about one second to read. And here I am trying to procrastinate. Thanks for nothing.

Give me an amusing quote, a YouTube link, the PSYC221 exam questions you swiped from the teaching assistant while explaining to him or her the illness/family emergency/secret spy mission that made you absent for the past month. Anything works, just put some effort in!

Study breaks are a great strategy. Convince yourself you need coffee to stay awake and read. But you can't just have homemade coffee; you deserve a treat because you're so stressed. Take a trip to Starbucks to get a sugary, milkshake-flavored coffee. And because the atmosphere is so inviting, curl up on one of their soft chairs. If you happen to fall asleep for four hours, well, hey, that's just your body's way of saying you really needed that coffee break.

If you've exhausted other procrastination options, you can begin to delve into actual schoolwork. But be cautious. Start by looking at past test scores and tally up your grade in that class thus far. Then plug in some hypothetical grades and see how badly you can do on the exam to still get a B … or a D. This little exercise can do wonders for alleviating anxiety. (Warning: If you discover you need more than 100 percent on your final to pass a course, stress may increase dramatically).

While these methods may not (read: certainly won't) help you get better grades, they will, at least temporarily, keep you from facing the mountains of work that have been building up since September. Nothing relieves schoolwork-related stress better than not doing schoolwork.

Shopping Solutions

2008-09-03T21:22:00.000-04:00

Holiday shopping puts quite a strain on the average college student. Finals are coming up; we don't have time to shop. Many of us don't have cars, making a trip to the mall a rather complicated journey. And, most difficult of all, many of us have been spending all our money on pizza and beer since the semester started. Yet parents, siblings and sometimes even extended family members expect gifts in return for their gifts. Talk about unfair.

Well, I'm here today to give you some advice and help keep you from breaking the bank this holiday season.

The first money-saving option that comes to mind is, of course, stealing. A great method to avoid spending while having some fun! Though this is certainly a thrifty, more creative way to "shop," there are some pitfalls. Each stealing technique has its drawbacks. Credit card fraud is fairly time-consuming, shoplifting limits you to only small, pocket-sized items, and old-fashioned holdups have a tendency to get a bit messy. And besides, if you get something too nice or expensive, your family is going to know you stole it.

If theft isn't your thing, don't worry. There are other ways to keep your wallet closed this holiday season. Take a lesson from your elementary school days and make your gifts this year. A drawing or a poem riddled with misspellings brought tears to your parents' eyes when you were 9 years old. Who's to say the effect will be different a decade later? The nostalgic value alone should have parents reaching for the tissues.

Arts and crafts activities offer more material options as well. Making jewelry or knitting scarves are definitely less expensive than buying either product. Origami looks impressive, and there are free instructions online. A cheap picture frame can be decorated to look much fancier. (Plus, giving a picture frame practically guarantees one more picture of yourself going up in your parents' house. Take that, older/younger sibling!)

Now, I know what you're thinking: "These are great money-saving ideas, but they take (some) time, (some) effort and (some) artistic talent. Not to mention, art supplies cost (some) money, so what's the point?"

You are wise to ask, but fear not my lazy, poor, artistically challenged friends: I have solutions. You can still make gifts for your loved ones; just consider making gifts poorly.

Glue some Easy Mac noodles to a piece of paper as fast as you can, and you've got abstract macaroni art. Consider using the powdered cheese product to add color. When the recipient opens this gift, be sure to talk about how much you liked the surrealism chapter in your art history book.

Glue together a tower of empty beer cans. When this gift is opened, make jokes about how much you drink; it'll be important to keep the mood light. I f you pull it off correctly, your parents will think you're silly and showing off, and your younger siblings will be impressed by your coolness. Be sure not to substitute building materials. A tower of empty hard liquor handles is less endearing and may be a bit disconcerting to parents.

Print out a family tree (or a family tree of the same, or at least a similar, last name). Though this gift should take no more than a quick Google search and the pressing of "print screen," you're sure to wow your elders with your tech-savvy capabilities.

Got some old ripped-up jeans? Don't throw them out; they're a gift waiting to be given! In fact, don't even wash them! Those jeans may seem unwearable to you, but I'm sure a younger sibling can be convinced they're the hottest new style straight from Diesel's grunge line.

Warning: Whatever you do, do not resort to giving chore coupons. Parents and relatives can see through this "gift" very easily. They may even futilely attempt to redeem the coupons, which is always a sad sight and tends to put a damper on the holidays.

Hopefully these tips and hints can keep you from dipping into your pizza and beer fund this gift-giving season. Because, whether you're stealing, drawing or just gluing garbage together, you're sure to have something for everyone on your list.

Trick or Treating

2008-09-03T21:17:00.000-04:00

This Halloween created quite a bit of inner turmoil for me. There were a lot of obstacles in the way of my celebrating the holiday. But it was also my senior-year Halloween, possibly my last chance to really do Halloween appropriately. So on Wednesday, despite being in my twenties, despite my evening class from 6:30 to 10, despite the influx of crime in the area, I braved the balmy fall night, headed out into the darkness and went trick-or-treating.

I haven't missed a year yet, and I wasn't about to break that streak, especially considering my age. Graduating college will bring with it a fate worse than not being able to drink constantly and having to wake up before noon. Next year, I might actually be too old to go trick-or-treating.

I do understand that I'm already pushing it. But as someone who is slowly realizing her last growth spurt isn't coming, permanently dooming her to a childlike 5-foot stature, I figure I'm entitled to some free candy at least once a year. C'mon, I can barely reach most shelves. I'm owed something!

Plus, as long as I'm still a student, I can easily justify myself. Trick-or-treating is for children, and children go to school. I also go to school and, therefore, should have no moral qualms or concerns about going trick-or-treating. I certainly can't find any holes in that logical argument!

I'm just not sure justification will be so lucid next year when I'm out of school, working some depressing grown-up's job. Something about rushing home after a long day at the office to change out of my take-charge pantsuit and into my totally awesome Ninja Turtles costume just seems wrong.

And no, I don't consider going trick-or-treating with kids of my own someday to be a chance to relive Halloween fun. That won't be real trick-or-treating. I imagine parenthood would force me to spend the entire holiday making sure nobody gets kidnapped or poisoned. How fun! I bet parents don't even get to eat chocolate until they vomit or steal candy from the smaller, weaker, less-experienced children. No, Halloween won't be the same at all.

Now, before you condemn me as a greedy, gluttonous, con-artist-thief, let me inform you that it's not all candy and costumes. I've had to face a fair amount of adversity because of my insistence on trick-or-treating well into legal adulthood.

First off, it's hard to convince your friends to go with you. Some would rather go to bars and get drunk. Others feel that, as appropriately sized people, the situation would prove too awkward to be fun.

Even if I can convince someone to accompany me, it's hard to get them looking like a child. Masks help. Having them hang back and pretend to be a parent is a little better. But I've found making new, shorter friends to be my best option.

No matter what, awkward situations do result. I guarantee at least once each Halloween I'm made to feel like a jerk. Maybe it happened because some feeble old lady actually believed I was 10. Or maybe because I got caught up in the moment and pushed an actual child out of the way so I could be first to ring the doorbell. It's hard to predict what's going to make me feel my age. However, I have a hunch graduating from college just might. So, I urge the readers still in school, both the short and the tall, to take advantage of the fleeting youth you have left. Halloween may be over this year, but there are always opportunities to act like a child. Throw some stuff at The Diner, use your outdoor voice indoors, play with fireworks. And next Halloween, forget the bars and go trick-or-treating instead. You've got your whole boring, responsibility-filled actual adulthood to spend drinking.

You may see your youth as already having past, but consider this: I've never in all my life been denied trick-or-treating candy. Once, in my junior year of high school, a woman said to me, "Aren't you a little too old for this?" as she dropped a fun-sized Snickers into my pillow case. And while her question may have sent me spinning into a pit of self-loathing, the truth remains: I still got candy.