• Reading would allow you to contribute intelligently to conversations at a dinner or cocktail party. But, if you don’t watch enough TV, you won’t have as many pop culture references to make during conversations at a dinner or cocktail party.
• Reading would be intellectually stimulating. But you’d miss whatever show is on TV while you’re reading. What if somebody you like gets voted off American Idol? Or, what if that episode of Fresh Prince with the extra long introduction rap is on? Or, what if Look Who’s Talking Too is on?! That movie is so cute!
• Reading would allow for some quiet “me time.” But, turning the TV off and allowing silence to fill the house might remind you of just how alone you are.
• Reading would increase your vocabulary. But, you would be even more disappointed when TV stars don’t respond to your letters after you put in all those fancy new vocabulary words you worked so hard to understand.
• Reading is better for your eyes than staring at the TV all the time. But, watching TV is better for your skin. When watching TV you have literally no chance of getting a paper cut. Whereas reading requires you to touch books, which can be made of hundreds of sheets of paper, all with at least three sharp edges exposed and waiting for your supple fingers.
• Reading a lot could impress people. But, your friends will probably be threatened by your attempt to better yourself and they’ll most likely lash out. Then you won’t have friends or TV. Sounds like a real great life you’ve got set up there.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Anger Management
Today I'd like to discuss ways to deal with road rage and minimize the violent confrontations that invariably result.
Listen, I know driving can be terrible. From the morons who cut you off and stop for pedestrians, to the slow grandmas who what? Don’t notice tailgating, high beams, and excessive honking?! Go, lady!
I’m not here to eliminate your rage, you’re right to be angry at those horrible people. I’m just here to teach you some techniques to express your anger in ways that won’t get you sued or charged with assault and battery.
And I’m not talking about everyday anger management techniques like breathing exercises, counting to ten, or seeing how quickly you can get those around you to cry and shake with fear. That sort of thing never works.
Instead, consider taking your anger out on your passengers. It masks road rage, while getting things off your chest. Your daughter’s on the phone too much, your son’s bad at sports, your wife is like, obsessed, with your road rage issues. Whatever it is, a derisive shouting session can easily release the frustration you feel after 3 red lights in a row.
But what if you’re alone in the car? Let’s say there’s traffic, you’re late for work, and somebody cuts you off. I’d suggest not brandishing weapons out the window while ramming the back of the offending car repeatedly, but rather exerting you energies on inanimate objects of your procession.
Slamming you hands into the thin roof of your car, makes you feel powerful. Punching the passenger seat is satisfying and easy on the hands. And while mashing the radio can be costly, destroying something expensive and electronic really gives you a sense of accomplishment.
Visualizing is another wonderful tool. If someone is driving too slowly, simply visualize yourself punching them, putting them in a headlock while smashing their face into the trunk, or holding a gun to their head as they cry and beg for their lives. Before you know it, your fury will melt away into joy.
So, with these techniques under your belt, I’d imagine the next time somebody honks at you, you’ll be able to handle it— without forcing them to pull over and then making them bleed from the face area.
Listen, I know driving can be terrible. From the morons who cut you off and stop for pedestrians, to the slow grandmas who what? Don’t notice tailgating, high beams, and excessive honking?! Go, lady!
I’m not here to eliminate your rage, you’re right to be angry at those horrible people. I’m just here to teach you some techniques to express your anger in ways that won’t get you sued or charged with assault and battery.
And I’m not talking about everyday anger management techniques like breathing exercises, counting to ten, or seeing how quickly you can get those around you to cry and shake with fear. That sort of thing never works.
Instead, consider taking your anger out on your passengers. It masks road rage, while getting things off your chest. Your daughter’s on the phone too much, your son’s bad at sports, your wife is like, obsessed, with your road rage issues. Whatever it is, a derisive shouting session can easily release the frustration you feel after 3 red lights in a row.
But what if you’re alone in the car? Let’s say there’s traffic, you’re late for work, and somebody cuts you off. I’d suggest not brandishing weapons out the window while ramming the back of the offending car repeatedly, but rather exerting you energies on inanimate objects of your procession.
Slamming you hands into the thin roof of your car, makes you feel powerful. Punching the passenger seat is satisfying and easy on the hands. And while mashing the radio can be costly, destroying something expensive and electronic really gives you a sense of accomplishment.
Visualizing is another wonderful tool. If someone is driving too slowly, simply visualize yourself punching them, putting them in a headlock while smashing their face into the trunk, or holding a gun to their head as they cry and beg for their lives. Before you know it, your fury will melt away into joy.
So, with these techniques under your belt, I’d imagine the next time somebody honks at you, you’ll be able to handle it— without forcing them to pull over and then making them bleed from the face area.
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